tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post8618720237546309805..comments2023-04-07T06:23:59.516-04:00Comments on Shades of Grey: Re: Objectification of MeShades of Greyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02733139852424935591noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post-9502887500079995982011-01-18T00:54:05.996-05:002011-01-18T00:54:05.996-05:00So personally, one of the main flaws I find with t...So personally, one of the main flaws I find with the shidduch system is exactly this point. One spends hours, weeks, months even looking into a person's health records, learning backgroung, job information, middot, etc yet something as basic as attraction is only found out on the first date (often much after all the time and effort is spent). If it were as easy as smacking a picture on one's shidduch resume I'd say great! problem solved! But like you said, it's not that simple. Pictures are often not chosen well and or look nothing like the person being photographed.<br />I know this is pretty controversial the following "solution" does provide a good way of knowing whether that basic attraction is there before going through all the motions of checking someone out. Basically, my best friend was being looked into by someone. This someone's mother called me to ask questions about my friend. She confessed to me that her son was of the picky sort when it came to looks so what he did was he actually went to my friend's place of work, took a peak and left. This method obviously doesn't work if the daters live in two different states or countries and yes, it can be misleading if someone's having a bad hair day, and for obvious reasons it can feel very objectifying but really, it was quite effective: he saw her, he liked her, finito! Anyhoo great blog, thanks for all your helpful advice! Keep it up! :)FeistyFrummyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00087256024971595173noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post-69412453398819977782010-12-30T13:45:33.405-05:002010-12-30T13:45:33.405-05:00bad4 - that's exactly my point. If A) the guy ...bad4 - that's exactly my point. If A) the guy is such a stickler for details that he can't honestly think, "Ok, so in my eyes her nose is a little off, but that realistically isn't a deal breaker" - which is a very healthy response, even if he doesn't like her nose - why would she want to go out with such a guy in the first place when he's so focused on looks. Or B) A certain physical feature may indeed be more than someone can handle and be a legitimate hang up, like the red hair for my teacher. <br /><br />I can speak from personal experience on this. I was suggested someone and sent a picture. The profile was great, very on-target, and the picture was good except for one thing, she had these slightly fleshy jowels on her jawline (basically, from the bottom lip up she was attractive). I figured, like a decent person, "maybe it's just the picture." So I went out with her anyway and had a great time. But I honestly could not get over the little jowel thingies. I gave it 4 dates - 2 weeks of forcing myself to reconsider before each date and give her another chance because she honestly deserved it for the great person that she was. <br /><br />But I couldn't get over it, no matter how much mental anguish I put myself through. If you honestly find everything about a person to be perfect but you can't find them physically attractive, for whatever reason - that's a legitimate deal breaker. <br /><br />Art of the Date (much maligned as it is) quotes a story where a girl really liked the guy, except for his stick-out ears. She asked him if he would consider pinning them back, and he agreed, and that one quibble, which could have ruined it for her, was gone. They went on to get married and live happily ever after. That isn't to suggest plastic surgery is an answer in every situation, but if everything is absolutely perfect (which for me with the aforementioned girl, it was very good, but not perfect) why not "fix" the hang up? It sounds kind of terrible, but it makes some sense to me.<br /><br />It certainly requires a bit more experience and some astute personal reflection to determine what your limits are, but it IS possible to figure these things out from a picture. I wouldn't compare the nose to being extremely obese - I would have given the nose person a chance and not the obese person, because as you said, I might find the overall big-picture aspect of her attractice, whereas for the obese girl it wouldn't matter how many hashkafic or common interest compatibilities we shared.Shades of Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02733139852424935591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post-80833806576629638782010-12-29T16:00:09.362-05:002010-12-29T16:00:09.362-05:00Also, I don't think there's a "basis ...Also, I don't think there's a "basis for attraction." So much of what makes a person attractive is only visible in person. I have a friend who said she hates her nose. I never noticed her nose. She has the sort of personality that adds sparkle to any sub-par features. But once she mentioned it: yeah, I could see where her nose might not be the nicest. <br /><br />So if a guy sees her picture, the first thing that will jump out at him is her nose. If he goes "yuk" then he's not giving her the chance she deserves, because she's a whole lot more than her nose.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post-58058777287053442302010-12-29T15:54:09.647-05:002010-12-29T15:54:09.647-05:00A SYAS shadchan told me to get a professional pict...A SYAS shadchan told me to get a professional picture done and referred me to a service. I priced it: lowest fee $150. Seriously? <br />Spend that on a photo that <i>might</i> be superior to what I have already and <i>might</i> make a guy more interested in dating me - a guy who <i>might</i> be the one I marry. That's a whole lot of "mights" for over $150.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post-4940363726347020412010-12-28T21:45:47.818-05:002010-12-28T21:45:47.818-05:00I completely agree with: "As a side point, pa...I completely agree with: "As a side point, particularly since this happened to me several times when I was dating: why in the world would ANYONE want to have an unattractive picture of him/herself available for the purpose of evaluation regarding shidduchim?"<br /><br />I don't understand it either! My personal pet peeve is when guys on YUConnects/SYAS have pictures of themselves and they are not smiling. At least smile. Someone just needs to give certain people advice about which pictures to put up.SternGradhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7081163247094703505.post-38150970036288893102010-12-28T09:18:25.404-05:002010-12-28T09:18:25.404-05:00Absolutely agree. Especially nowadays where shidd...Absolutely agree. Especially nowadays where shidduchim often involve travel, and expectations for the first date often involve a large investment of time and money. This is such a simple thing to verify...is there any basis for attraction? Why wouldn't we determine it beforehand? If other necessary criteria could be established so simply, for example if you could know whether the girl/guy has a certain "must-have" middah before the date, why wouldn't you??<br /><br /><a href="http://asformeandbeiti.blogspot.com" rel="nofollow">AsForMeAndBeiti.blogspot.com</a>Primum Non Nocerehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01928564781704168333noreply@blogger.com