Shades of Grey

Shirei Halevi'im Preview!

2012-02-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

After I posted my initial Jewish Music Friday covering Shirei Levi'im, I was contacted by none other than Rabbi Benjy Epstein himself thanking me for the review and the publicity.

I mentioned that I usually link to youtube videos for people to sample the album and asked if he could do so. He replied that he couldn't do it at the present time, but I could!

Presenting "Friday" and "Shabbos" From Shirei Levi'im to get you in the mood for Shabbos!

"Friday"

"Shabbos"

Absolutely beautiful, aren't they? I am particularly fond of the repetition of the words "Mikolos Mayim Rabim" from "Friday" which is simply magical, to say the least.

If you don't already own this album yet, please do yourself a favor, head to CD Baby and buy it! This is one Jewish Music purchase you won't ever regret.

Are Profiles - On And Offline - Hurting Our Dating?

2012-02-08T13:49:00.004-05:00

Cnn.com recently posted another very interesting article about what some psychologists have to say about the pitfalls of using online dating - and specifically the issues that arise from relying too much on written dating profiles.

Sound familiar anyone?

I recall times in my dating life where I put too much into what I saw on the computer screen, whether on YUConnects or in a word document sent to me by a friend. I can also remember later points in my dating career wherein I would read a profile, without any real depth, making a brief phone call or two, and going out on a date. In fact, that was how I ended up meeting ASoG.

It seems like the process of trying to make the dating/shidduchim system very rigid and ordered, requiring certain things to be done in terms of the profile, massive investigation, etc make people more focused on the itty bitty details and not on the whole picture of who the person is and how he/she might fit into one's life.

We were recently working with a single friend, acting as her research people for a guy attending YU. After speaking with a friend of his and a Rosh Yeshiva who made some calls on our behalf, we had a good report. The guy has a great family, is very dedicated to his learning, serious about life and has healthy goals for what he wants to accomplish. The "problem" was that he came from a more yeshivish background and ultimately ended up at YU. She couldn't understand why someone would want to do that, given the "greater" opportunities he had had for Torah study when he attended a different yeshiva.

In an effort to spend too much time focusing on specifics in the profile, wondering why this was and why that was - and these were not real red flags of any sort - she almost turned down a great guy simply because he had matured and become his own person hashkafically. The YU Rosh Yeshiva who I spoke to was familiar with both people, said the match was certainly "ballpark" and worthy of at least a first date. I mentioned the concerns our friend had, and he replied that it's best to learn more about those details on a date and not through continued investigation. If, in fact something didn't quite check out after speaking to the person, THEN he said we should do further research.

I think that is a very healthy approach to the whole process. The problem that has arisen, mostly for men, but increasingly for women as well, is that no one seems to have a realistic standard in mind when accepting what's on paper as a potential worthwhile suggestion. Yes, guys are certainly guilty of maintaining lists of girls and their profiles (though I never had such a plethora of suggestions to deal with in the first place), but it's the "traditional" shadchanim who started and encourage this sort of unbecoming behavior. As the system has worsened, the profiles have become less truthful, more standardized, and frankly unreliable at times. This, of course, perpetuates the problem, rather than making things easier.

Do I personally believe in profiles? Yes. I think people should still use them, but only as a barometer for a general sense of who the person is and if he/she passes the threshold for what they are looking for.

An interesting point that the CNN article mentioned was that people often don't even know exactly what they want in a spouse. This is certainly true for beginning daters, because the more you go out and get exposure with different sorts of people and personalities, you begin to learn what does and doesn't work for you - and that includes physical appearances. I know that my own view of what I was looking for changed over the course of my dating career. From recent shadchan related experiences, it seems like there are a number of people out there who have had their needs/wants dictated to them by rabbeim/friends/teachers/family/mentors - and that's horribly wrong. It's one thing to say you need someone who has good middos and is caring, which I think everyone can agree on - but getting specific in suggesting/requiring a particular lifestyle (IE kollel) or certain criteria beyond the general need for religious observance and regular Torah study is rather unhelpful.

This sort of thing only prevents young, impressionable finds from discovering themselves and forging their own identities. Relying too much on profiles can exacerbate this problem, preventing free thinking and replacing that with a cookie cutter image that fails to live up to reasonable, realistic life.

How much substance do you put into profiles? Does dating work better by paying close attention to what's written on the page, or by investing more in the actual experience of meeting the person?

Maccabeat Mazal Tov

2012-02-02T10:03:00.004-05:00

Just when I think that I can wait a whole year and finally update the graphic, I get the pleasant surprise of hearing that another Maccabeat got engaged.

I've updated the picture in the post and present it here as well.

This means that just over half of the Maccabeats are engaged/married!

For those ladies interested, better hurry up before they're all taken...

High Heels = A Hazard To Your Health

2012-01-30T13:11:00.003-05:00

I never understood why women torture themselves by wearing high-heeled shoes. Granted, there is an added element of height, but the pain and suffering that tend to go along with such confining, unnatural footwear doesn't make it worth it from my somewhat rational, male perspective.

I often brought up the topic on a date, and most girls seemed to not mind wearing them, despite the blisters, foot pain and other annoyances.

Well, add to that list of concerns heart disease. Check of this report by ABC News, which features, oddly enough, a male reporter trying out high-heels.

If these things are indeed dangerous - aside from the risk of tripping, heels breaking, falling, and now chronic inflammation/heart disease - why should anyone seriously want to keep wearing them?

Has anyone's high-heeled shoes caused any tripping/needing to be caught awkwardness on dates?

For those interested in further gory details of what high heels do to you, and how you can kick the habit, check out this article here.

Maccabeats Marriage Update

2012-01-26T13:02:00.005-05:00

A year ago, on January 26th, 2011 I posted a gag picture I whipped up that featured the suddenly famous Maccabeats and identified which were married, engaged, or single.

Aside from the humorous element of appealing to all the Macca-fan-girls out there, I didn't think much of the post at the time. I went about business as usual, wrote a few more posts, and figured life would go on as it had until that point.

Then, a little over a week later the internet suddenly noticed the picture, and I was featured on blogs, Face Book statuses and even the Jerusalem Post's website. This humble little blog was flooded with visitors from all over the world. Talk about unexpected exposure.

In fact, that post continues to be the most visited, most searched (via word and image search), and most linked post I've written in over 2 years of blogging.

While a year has now passed, and people out there continue to in

quire via search engines which members of The Maccabeats are married, some things have changed and that picture is no longer factually accurate. I figure that as long as people still care about knowing this information, I don't want to mislead visitors and have impressionable young ladies pining away for a married or engaged man.

Therefore, I have put together an updated image (which looks pretty nifty, if I do say so) that relates the current marriage statuses of our beloved A Cappella singing sensations (click to enlarge):

IMAGE UPDATED 2-2-12

With OVER half of the 14 guys in The Maccabeats now married or on the way, time is running out for any Jewish girls out there (and their mothers) who dream about Maccabeat zemiros at their Shabbos table.

On a more serious note, I recall hearing that The Maccabeats themselves weren't so happy with the initial post, and I imagine they won't be with this one either. Since the other post exists and cannot be taken back, I have created this new image to properly inform the masses at large who are already looking for this anyway. Sorry guys, if I have further offended you.

More important than the married or single status of The Maccabeats is their continued success at spreading the positive message of Torah Umadda and reaching out to Jews everywhere, religiously observant or not (yet).

I hope they can create more songs, more videos, and more albums (where is that second CD anyway!?) to further enhance our modern Jewish culture, and serve as a positive role models for our community, and the world at large.

P.S. This post will also be in lieu of Jewish Music Fridays because of my grad school work.

Update: From their Facebook status, it seems like their long anticipated 2nd album is almost completed!

Jewish Music Fridays: Jewish Dance Dance Revolution

2012-01-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

Ever played "Step It Up," otherwise known as the Jewish Dance Dance Revolution, or officially "The Original Jewish Dance Game" at your local Jewish supermarket/Judaica store?

Well now you can play at home too, turning your personal PC or Laptop into a "Dance Machine!

You can buy the basic bundle, which includes the original version along with the dance pad and features "60 hit songs from top Jewish artists like Lipa, The Chevra, Dovid Gabay, YBC, and more!"

Then, when you want even more songs to dance to, you can buy the upgraded software version 2.0 that features "hits like Yalili (8th Day), Ah Ah Ah (YBC), Just Do It! (Yonatan Shainfeld), and the Maccabeats sensation "Candlelight!"

I have to admit that I do not own this product.

However, I think this whole concept is downright hilarious. For the longest time, video games have been a bit taboo in the more right wing Orthodox world. Now, not only is one available to play in public, but in the privacy of the home as well. The release of this product also assumes that the potential consumers out there own computers.

Granted, this video game is unlike others that contain violence, objectionable content, secular stories or values, which makes it less problematic than Mortal Kombat or Batman: Arkham Asylum.

Once it's been established as having kosher content, the makers/advertisers also dodge the potential accusation that this game is a waste of time, like one could say about something family friendly like Pac-Man by informing us that it is actually a fun way to exercise:

"Step It Up will change your perception of fitness. A fitness regimen can not only be fun, but include your entire family!"

Honestly, the same family fun and fitness could be achieved by playing the Jewish music you already own and create a fitness regimen consisting of jumping jacks, sit ups, push ups and other non-machine exercises. You'd also save $100+ and be able to have the entire family join in at the same time instead of taking turns on a single pad. You'd also probably get a better work out.

I certainly welcome the idea of maintaining one's health through exercise, but I don't think that people will typically get that much exercise from a dance pad. Yes, you can work up a sweat, as I described in my Dave and Buster's dating case study, but I don't think "Step It Up" can serve as a real substitute for an actual exercise regimen for people "ages 8-88."

I also wonder what this product says about popular Jewish Music as a whole. Most songs features on a secular Dance Dance Revolution game are really high energy, pumping dance/club songs, techno beats, or J-pop. Does this mean that these Jewish Music songs are somewhat equivalent?

Anyway, I don't intend to insult or denigrate the value "Step It Up," and I'm sure it is probably fun. Maybe even fun enough to try on a date - it could be a new activity along with the usual board game dates! I recall that there were a few guys who had DDR nights at YU... but that was entirely unrelated to their dating lives.

Does anybody own "Step It Up," or know someone who owns it? If someone would like to do a review and have it posted here, please send me an email.

Are Platonic Friends Possible?

2012-01-18T11:52:00.000-05:00

Inspired by an interesting debate she witnessed, Tania over at Thinking Jew Girl asks readers if it is possible to have a close male-female relationship that has no potential for marriage, while both the guy and girl are actively dating other people.

I think the answer is no. That doesn't mean there aren't exceptions. But they are, in fact exceptions rather than the rule.

Case in point, "colloquiallyspeaking" replied that she had had such a guy friend who was beneficial in coaching her while she dated her husband, and now continues her friendship with him alongside her husband. While she concedes that adding physicality to the relationship can make things complicated, she adds that "a good emotional friendship is definitely possible and happens everywhere outside of the religious world."

I beg to differ, based on personal experience in secular academic institutions, as well as this completely objective and pseudo-scientific video that has been making the rounds on Youtube:

I think this video is very telling. As much women seemingly think platonic relationships with the opposite gender is possible, popular opinion from men seems to indicate the exact opposite.

From my own single experience from high school until marriage, I don't think I had female friends for whom I did not possess at least a small measure of attraction - even when the matter was openly discussed and the girl would adamantly say that she had no interest in anything other than a platonic relationship. I would certainly abide by her decision and keep things strictly platonic in terms of our interactions, but I couldn't deny that some residual feelings (or more) continued to dwell within me.

And that's the trap.

Can you honestly say that you could continue to be friends with a guy or girl, knowing they want no further development to that friendship, and successfully grapple with any ongoing feelings or spikes in attraction for him/her? That's very tough, to say the least.

I know I went through several cycles of waxing and waning of these troublesome feelings throughout my time in NCSY, while in Israel, and even at the start of my time at Yeshiva University. When I started dating, I was very aware of this distraction, and was reminded of this conflict by a married female friend (who was one of aforementioned single female friends) that I'd need to knock it off when it came to maintaining and cultivating female friendships while I was dating. And she was right. It made my life that much simpler, gave me greater focus, and allowed me to have success in my dating.

I'm reminded of an interesting observation that Rav Aharon Lichtenstein made during a Q & A session related to us by Rabbi Hayyim Angel. Someone asked Rav Lichtenstein if it was possible to have a platonic relationship, and Rav Lichtenstein, per his usual scholarly nature, went into a discourse explaining the true definition of a platonic friendship, which is actually between two men. I can't recall what Rabbi Angel said about Rav Lichtenstein's answer to the actual question, but I imagine he wasn't so encouraging.

Can anyone give an argument that demonstrates platonic male-female relationships are actually possible on a large scale instead of an exceptional minority?

Bashert In Other Religions

2012-01-17T00:00:00.001-05:00

I found this very interesting post on CNN.com which addresses the concept of having a "soul mate" from the perspective of several different religions, including Judaism.

The launching point for the article is a discussion of a Christian dating website that claims they can find G-d's match for its users. It seems there are indeed a lot of Christians out there that put a lot of stock in hoping to find their soul mate, which can keep them optimistic, or mire them in holding out forever, or even lead to divorce when they "discover" that the person they married wasn't the soul mate they had once envisioned.

The debate among Christians is intriguing. Some are very adamant that soul mates exist, yet others refuse to think that there is one specific person out there for every individual.

I was a bit surprised to learn that Muslims don't believe in the notion whatsoever. Apparently, it places the "fault" of divorce in G-d's Hands if He is also the one who makes matches. After thinking about it a bit, it makes some sense, especially with the belief of multi-virgin reward in the great hereafter and continued practice of polygamy in many areas.

I'm not such a fan of Christian author Dannah Gresh's attempt to understand the Hebrew word "Yada" - which she elaborated on in a separate blog on eHarmony (yes, the lone comment is me).

The conclusion seems pretty moderate, and reflects some values that many Jews also hold onto. Namely, your soul mate/bashert is who you make out of your spouse. Certainly once married, it is appropriate to take this stance, and thereby put all of your mental and emotional energy into espousing that concept for the health of the relationship. Pining after a unknown, other soul mate can only get someone in trouble, as we have seen with former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford.

For prior posts about soul mates, see here and here.

Wanting Shalom Bayis Vs. Needing Shalom Bayis?

2012-01-15T22:31:00.001-05:00

I recently overheard a shiur given by Rabbi Zacharia Wallerstein on this past week's parsha. I say overheard, because ASoG was listening to it across the table from me as I was coincidentally reading this post by Rabbi Harry Maryles over on Emes Ve-Emunah which comments on that very shiur. He decries Rabbi Wallerstein's anti-internet plea stemming from a rather crazy internet-email/chat story which sounded as though it occurred in the mid/late 1990's (which I also heard and found a little strange). For more info about that, see Rabbi Maryles' post.

The point I strongly object to was related to Shalom Bayis (somewhere after the 20 minute mark).

Rabbi Wallerstein went through the concept of "wants" versus "needs." One pair, which I thought was appropriate, was "wanting" versus "needing" to be closer to HaShem. Too many people say that they "really, really want" to have a closer relationship with HaShem, but few people say that they "need" a closer connection to HaShem. Instead of "We want Moshiach now," it should be "We need Moshaich now." Point taken - I like the message.

But, Rabbi Wallerstein then said there is a difference between "wanting" Shalom Bayis and "needing" Shalom Bayis. He remarked that if you "want" Shalom Bayis, then you go to a therapist to tell you what to do, to tell you how to make your spouse happy. But if you say that you "need" Shalom Bayis, then you won't go to a therapist, because you will truly know what makes him/her happy and do that.

With all due respect, that's rubbish. Not only is it incorrect, it could be immensely harmful.

No one really knows what they're doing when they married. This is why pre-marital counseling is important, and groups like Shalom Task Force thankfully exist. Everyone needs to prepare in the best way that they can, with whatever time and resources that they can devote or access, to get ready for marriage before the big transition comes under the chuppah.

Having said that, even with reading every book out there, talking to every Rebbi, teacher, counselor, psychologist, married friend you know, and listening to every shiur you can attend or download, does not make you 100% fool-proof in your approach to marriage. Every individual situation is different, and no matter how well you think you know your fiance/e, there will be plenty of things he/she never told you or did in your presence before that will throw you for a loop. It's not inherently bad, and in many cases the conflict can be harmless or easily resolved, but it's all part of the process of coming together as husband and wife.

However, there are sometimes issues that can come up - whether there were something that was withheld from a spouse prior to the wedding, or some condition/situation/difficulty that arose anew while in the freshly married state - a young couple may not have the tools, knowledge, or experience to handle the problem. If this problem is causing unhappiness, and as a good spouse, you want to make sure your husband/wife is happy in life, then you will do everything you can to resolve the conflict.

But that does not mean that if you realize that peacefully working through the issue is a "need" that you won't need a therapist's help to do so.

One of my rabbeim is very, very encouraging, and appropriately so, when it comes to matters of this nature that the couple should see a professional counselor. He will even suggest that seeing a psychologist, who is clinically trained for his/her work, is better than seeing a Rabbi who is not. The professional has been given an education specifically to work with issues that can arise between couples, whereas a Rabbi may have personal experience and experience as a spiritual advisor, but lacks the breadth and depth that a PHD in psychology or master's in counseling provides.

Every couple must develop the a key to success in marriage: good communication. Without being able to talk openly, respectfully, sensitively, and sincerely with one another, you'll never be able to even broach difficult topics and satisfactorily reach a resolution through discussion. Sometimes this can be hard to do, and if you find yourselves talking in circles, above each other's heads, or past one another - then it is time to seek proper guidance.

All married couples need Shalom Bayis. On that point, Rabbi Wallerstein is correct. But to resolutely proclaim that someone who knows they "need" Shalom Bayis instead of "want" Shalom Bayis will have some greater understanding to successfully keep their spouse happy is utterly wrong.

If, as one should, firmly believe that Shalom Bayis is a true necessity, then he or she will have the courage to openly communicate with their spouse, and seek out professional help as needed to assist them in solving their ongoing difficulty. There is nothing embarrassing or shameful about utilizing the resources that are available, and there are plenty of observant, Jewish couples' counselors/psychologists in our world who are more than happy to offer their guidance and perspective.

There are too many young people out there today who have been damaged or otherwise uneducated by their personal experience, seeing what their parents did, or hearing mistaken notions from educators and rabbeim. When these role models let us down, whether intentionally or for lack of ability (and after all, no one is perfect) it's only proper to look for help in the right places.

May we all know, deep inside, that Shalom Bayis is an absolute necessity in married life, whether married or hopefully soon-to-be married, and may we all have the intestinal fortitude to take the right steps to achieve and maintain healthy Shalom Bayis in our relationships and homes.

Jewish Music Fridays: haMAKOR

2012-01-13T10:25:00.001-05:00

This week's Jewish Music Fridays features a band that continues an established trend of musical performance from the well known and talented Solomon family: haMAKOR.

For those who don't yet know, the lead singer/front man for haMAKOR is Nachman Solomon, the younger brother of Yehuda Solomon (Moshav Band) and Noah Solomon (Soul Farm) and son of Ben-Tzion Solomon (Yeshiva Diaspora Band).

I randomly discovered their first CD, while in Manhattan Judaica browsing for something new to listen to. "The Source" had an interesting green tree cover image, but what took me by surprise was the little white label stuck on the front that said read:

I was already a fan of Moshav Band and Soul Farm, so I had to check it out.

The first thing I noticed was that Nachman's voice is similar to Yehuda's in many respects, as can be seen in this video of him covering Moshav's "Eliyahu Hanavi:"

I also found a few lyrics of some songs to be a little similar to a couple of Moshav Songs. But beyond those connections, haMAKOR has their own unique sound and groove. I happen to be a big fan of electronic/techno music, and haMAKOR is one of the few groups out there to use this in a very attractive and engaging fashion.

Unlike other performers who might overly rely on synthetic beats too much to the point of annoyance or in a way that ends up sounding like 80's music, haMAKOR utilizes electronic music along with their instrumental performance to create hypnotic, mesmerizing and otherwise really cool sounding songs.

Like Moshav Band and Soulfarm, haMAKOR's music is a mix of Jewish music, secular-ish songs that can have a spiritual theme or message, and some tracks that sound entirely secular. It's a nice mix, and provides a good bit of variety for fans.

The one thing I didn't like about "The Source" was that I felt it was too short, with only 8 songs. However, while researching for this post, I learned that they released a second album in 2010 called "World on its Side" and I didn't even know it!

I don't yet own it, but I plan to purchase it soon. I have listened to several of the songs that are posted on their Myspace page, and it sounds like they're continued to mature and develop their style. I particularly like "Shir Tzion:"

One of my favorite songs from their first album is the title/first track, "The Source." The intro is pretty funky and very unique. You've got to hear the recorded version to get the full psychedelic effect.

"Memories" is an example of one of their secular songs from "World on its Side"

In the end, haMAKOR is a rockin' and welcome contribution to modern Jewish music, that helps diversify the types with their unique combination of synthetic beats with the more typical guitars, drums, and bass.

For anyone who wants to check out haMAKOR's music, which I highly recommend, both of their full albums can be found on Myspace: 1) "The Source" 2) "World on its Side."

Further information about haMAKOR can be found on Facebook and Myspace.

How About HER Summer?

2012-01-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

On a recent Shabbos, ASoG and were guests at a meal shared by a small group of single young women who are dating. Of course, since I'm no longer in that stage of life, and as a part-time Shadchan, I always take any opportunity I get to hear what daters are saying. We eagerly listened and participated in what turned out to be a rather lively discussion.

Of the many points talked about, one in particular really irked me. One speaker remarked that she has struggled through numerous first dates wherein the conversation was stilted and didn't flow naturally. She explained that the reason behind the awkward verbal exchanges was the fact that there was no real exchange. On each date, she would inquire about the guy's interests, his family, what he did over the summer, what he's studying in college, etc - and not once did he then ask her about her life and interests.

"I just mentioned that I spent the last summer in HASC - no less than 3 times - and he still couldn't take the hint to ask me how my summer was!?" She complained in an exasperated tone.

I believe that she has every right to complain about this lack of social skills. I learned a term from Dr. Pelcovitz that applies to counseling but is very appropriate for this scenario as well: "volley."

Imagine if you were asked a friend to play volleyball with you, and he/she gladly agrees. You soon discover that every time you serve the ball, he/she ignores you and it thuds on the ground somewhere near his/her feet. That's not much of a game, is it?

The same concept applies here. In order to have a decent conversation, each dater needs to volley back to the other in order to keep discussion going as well as to have mutual and reciprocal information sharing. If he asks you how many sibling you have and what they do, it's proper to then ask him about his own siblings after you finish talking. If she asks about your summer activities or your Shana Aleph experience, it's only fitting to take the time to let her talk about what she did as well.

This doesn't have to be done in a rigid, mathematical way of exact give-and-take, firing back the very same question or introduction that your date initially offered. You can use something they said as a springboard to turn the attention back toward him/her. Each person should get their fair share of talking about him/herself - not to fulfill some egotistical need to flaunt their accomplishments, but to share part of who they are, what they're about, how they think, what they're like with their date.

If you don't really care to find out these sorts of things, then why are you on a date with them in the first place?

I'm pretty sure that the guys these girls had been out with were rather inexperienced and thus didn't really have a background of what it means to talk with girls on a date. Even so, I would hope they'd have some level of common sense to understand what I'm talking about. If not, then I pray they listen to feedback from shadchanim, assuming those shadchanim care enough to report such things as "he didn't ask a single thing about me the whole time!"

Most veteran daters know this by now. It seems simple, right? But if several young women complain that they've each had more than a handful of dates where this stilted conversation occurs, it seems like it could be a real problem.

I remember reading in "The Art of the Date" (I think) that one particular married woman used to take her younger brothers on practice "dates" so that they would learn how to do the sorts of basic things expected and avoid issues like what I've been describing. It stands to reason that shiurim discussing preparing to date need to cover more than halachos of yichud and hashkafa. You certainly won't get far enough to know if she's the one if you can't even talk to her about basic, fun stuff.

Also, for girls out there suffering from this unintentional neglect, I say take matters into your own hands and find something he said to use as a segue into talking about yourself. Although this might get annoying, I think it might help clue him in better rather than silently imploring to yourself that he ask about you. In either case, I think the guy is more at fault, but I don't believe a girl should just mentally throw her hands up in frustration, either.

So guys out there who are starting to date: Ask about her, too!

Have any of the female readers encountered this sort of behavior?

Jewish Music Fridays: Prodezra

2012-01-06T11:15:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to Jewish Music Fridays! This week we have a very unique and rather talented artist: Prodezra!

I admit that rap/hip hop is not my favorite genre of music. I don't have a bias against the type of music itself, but rather I have come to distance myself from it because of how it has become so closely associated with negative subjects, foul language, mistreatment of women, condoning violence and drug use, among other things.

For me, music should be positive, inspiring, and meaningful. Everyone has their own specific tastes and each person connects to different things, which is why there needs to be different types of music to suit the interests and needs of many different kinds of people. Using music to promote causes and ideas that are harmful or offensive seems like a misuse of this gift.

Prodezra opened my eyes to the positive potential of rap/hip hop. In particular, the song "Liora," which is a tribute to Prodezra's wife, as well as Jewish women as a whole. I found the song to be refreshing and inspiring as it proudly proclaims positive messages about women, in stark contrast to all of the garbage out there in the secular music world that is misogynistic and insulting to women.

It seems like there is an increasing interest in this burgeoning field within Jewish music, and some of the artists are, like Prodezra, African-American converts. I think there are two major beneficial points from this development:

1) People who may have become acculturated to popular rap/hip hop music, whether raised religious or largely unaffiliated, now have a "kosher" outlet to enjoy that style of music instead of hearing nivul peh and harmful messages.

2) The horizon of Jewish culture is being broadened and becoming more inclusive. I think it's wonderful for people of different backgrounds who become part of the Jewish people to enhance our understanding and approach to the world. We can always learn something from everyone around us, especially from those who may be different from us. A ger tzedek is every bit a Jew like anyone born Jewish, but their previous experiences can be utilized to help create their own unique Jewish identity, as well as positively influence others to be broader minded and learn new things and new perspectives that they otherwise would never have reached on their own. This is a similar phenomenon to ba'alei teshuva who don't reject their past, but instead draw from their previous life to give more meaning to their practice of Judaism.

Prodezra happens to be a friend of mine, and I can attest that he is a wonderful, spiritually in-tune guy, a family man, and someone who cares about helping his fellow Jew through learning and inspiring others with his music. Unlike secular rappers who boast about their personal talents and how they are the best, most talented, wealthiest, strongest, or whatever other stupidly egotistical claim they can think of, Prodezra attributes all his talents and success as blessings from G-d. He draws inspiration for his music from Torah sources and Chassidus (notably Chabad). His message is positive and worth paying attentive to.

His musical tagline, "Beats L'shem Shamayim" couldn't be a more appropriate appellation for his work.

Here are a few other of the many songs Prodezra has created and uploaded on Youtube.

"ReJewvenated (J.E.W.)"

"Proud To Be"

"Where Are You? (24/7"

Prodezra also composes beats featuring other artists.

"Let Me In" featuring Nachman

The famous song "Change" featuring Y-Love and Describe.

Prodezra also produces instrumental songs:

"The Lamplighter"

"Ein Od Milvado"

As seen previously on this blog, Prodezra was also featured on G-dcast.

Check out more of Prodezra's music on Youtube, his website, Facebook. You can purchase his albums on iTunes and cdbaby

Ultimately, I think Prodezra's music might not be for everyone, but he certainly has a large audience which allows him to reach out and positively influence those who might not be otherwise interested in the more standard forms Jewish music.

I hope Prodezra continues to produce meaningful beats and songs that bring our distanced brothers and sisters back to their heritage, as well as opening up the ears, eyes, and minds of the rest of us to a broader appreciation of Jewish music and culture.

It's Been A While...

2012-01-03T11:12:00.002-05:00

...since I last updated. Sorry about the unannounced break from blogging. Between tests, Chanukah, and lots of travelling, I haven't had much time to write or read blogs as of late.

Since the blog was getting inundated with hits because of the Matisyahu, Maccabeats and Chanukah video posts, I didn't want any new content to be ignored/lost in the traffic.

I also wanted to give "Serendipity" as much exposure as possible, since I particularly liked the story and felt it was a big departure from my usual comedic style. If you haven't read and commented on it yet, please do.

A lot has been going on since I last posted, so I figured I'd compose several mini-posts to catch up.

1) One last Chanukah music video, which I was told about but forgot to post, "Maoz Tzur" by Except Saturday:

2) Overall, I think that the winner of the music video competition was Aish's "Jewish Rock of Ages," followed very closely by the "Miracle" by the Maccabeats. The main thing that made me like the Aish video more was the fact that all their songs were very sing-able and stuck in my head, which "Miracle" failed to do. Both videos had great production values, humor, and were executed very well.

3) Here is video proof that Matisyahu has joined the Maccabeats:

4) Of course, by now everyone should realize that my "interview" with Matisyahu post-shave is a clever forgery, as is the quickie Photoshopped picture I made of him wearing a white button-down shirt and black skinny tie. I was hoping to be the first to write about this humorous idea, but Jewlicious beat me to it, but thankfully didn't really expand on the joke or make the picture that sprang into my mind and later onto my computer screen.

5) The Maccabeats successfully raised over $80,000 for their Miracle Match campaign which benefits Gift of Life. Great job, guys - and everyone should continue to donate and help save lives.

6) Judablue announced via Facebook that have a new video in the works!

7) The Groggers are also apparently working on a new video, which will be filming in Florida.

8) I apologize for slacking off on the Jewish Music Fridays feature. I hope to continue that as a regular weekly update starting this Friday, G-d willing.

9) I submitted several of my stories to Mishpacha magazine. They praised my writing, including the sci-fi aspect depicted in a few of them, but didn't think the stories fit their readership :(

I'm trying to see if any of them are worth editing and hoping to hear back from them regarding what they would like to see in general in their published stories.

10) I recently read the book "Hush" (I know, I'm late). It's fantastic, gripping, moving, and scary. Everyone, Chassidic or not, should read it.

11) I am greatly dismayed by the disgusting actions of certain groups of chareidim in Israel. They do not represent Torah Judaism and this needs to stop. At any rate, here are two really great responses among the dozens that have been written and are must-reads. The first is an excellent critique of the whole situation: "The Curse of Violent Extremism" and the second is a very interesting analysis of the story behind the violent: "Ultra Orthodox extremism is a reaction to growing reform in the community"

12) New things upcoming on this blog: I (of course) have more posts and stories to share. I also am toying with the idea of rereading some of the dating and marriage books in my rather extensive collection and publishing reviews, which will probably be a monthly feature.

Anyway, it's good to be back.

Serendipity

2011-12-19T13:58:00.000-05:00

Leah stood outside the restaurant, arms crossed tightlyagainst her chest in an effort to stay warm. Her date was overdue. She hazardeda peek at her watch, hoping the maître d' hadn’t already given away their tableto one of the other couples that passed her by in the last fifteen minutes.Tired of seeing her breath puffing into ephemeral life and fading into the coldair, she decided to head inside and wait by the sushi bar.

Yoel Dovid hurriedly bobbed and weaved through the stream ofpedestrians on the sidewalk. He didn’t need to check the time; he knew he wasquite late. He hoped his date would understand that his hectic school schedulesometimes inconvenienced him and often frustrated his shidduch opportunities.Thankfully, he had found a spare block of time to get away and focus on hissearch for a wife, now entering its sixth year. Turning the corner, he saw therestaurant’s sign glowing in the fading light of the evening. He quicklychecked right and left then dashed across the street, flung open the door andwaded inside.

The head waiter looked up from his smart phone and offeredhis most polished smile.

“Do you have a reservation, sir?”

Yoel Dovid pulled his scarf away from his chin and clearedhis throat. “Yes, Sandler, table for two.”

“Ah,” the other man skimmed the list on the computer screen infront of him. “You’re late.”

“I know, I’m sorry. Do you still have an open table?”

“Why of course,” the waiter smirked. “Is your entire partyhere?”

Yoel Dovid searched the restaurant, hoping that his datehadn’t gotten fed up with him and left already. “Yes, I think that’s her rightover there,” he gestured toward a tall woman with shoulder-length auburn hairstanding by the sushi bar with her back to them.

“Do fetch her then, and follow me,” he replied in a haughtytone.

Yoel Dovid practically ran over to the lone woman. “Hello!I’m terribly sorry,” he greeted her in his most congenial, yet apologeticvoice. “I should’ve texted you, but there wasn’t service in the tunnel on theway from school, and I-”

“It’s about time, Yoel Dov-” She whirled around and frozemidsentence.

“Leah?” he inquired, lifting an eyebrow in confusion.

“Joel?” Her eyes widened in disbelief. “Is that you, JoelSandler?”

“I go by Yoel Dovid now,” he briefly looked at his feet.“But, yes, it’s me.”

“I can’t believe it!” Leah fought to keep her surprised ireunder control.

“Me either. I never would have thought in a million yearsI’d find you here.”

“Yeah, I never thought in a million years I’d ever set footin this place with you again,” she snapped.

“If anyone should be upset, it’s me, not you,” he retorted,narrowing his gaze.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Leah demanded with a tersewhisper.

“As if you could forget! After all, you were the one-” YoelDovid felt a firm, annoyed tap on his shoulder.

“This way, please,”the maître d' curled a long finger in the air, beckoning the couple forward.

“R-right,” Yoel Dovid stammered.

“Sure, thank you,” Leah added as they quickly followedbehind the server.

Upon reaching their destination, Leah and Yoel Dovid bothstopped short and furtively glanced at one another.

“Here is your table,” the head waiter gestured with aflourish.

“Is there any chance you have another one available?” YoelDovid requested anxiously.

“No,” came the curt reply. “Please sit.” He thrust two menusin their direction and stormed off. The next few moments passed in silence asthey sat down and intensely poured over the potential selections. The tensionbuilt to a crescendo and both Leah and Yoel Dovid simultaneously peeked overtheir respective menus. Noticing the other’s stare, they quickly jerked themenus back to their protective place.

Leah released a pent in breath, folded her menu and placedit flat on the table.

“This has got to be some kind of cosmic joke.”

Yoel Dovid dropped his menu with a clunk. “What do you meanby that, exactly?”

“This,” she gestured around them with a circular motion.“Us,” she continued, alternatively pointing toward Yoel Dovid and herself. YoelDovid sighed softly, biting back a potentially insulting remark.

Leah wasn’t relenting. “I just don’t understand how thiscould have possibly happened,” she paused for a moment to think, eyes fallingtoward her lap. “Ok, I can see how I messed up, since you’re using your Hebrewname now, and I’ve gotten so jaded with dating that I don’t really callreferences anymore,” she looked up and glared across the table. “But how in theworld didn’t you know it was me?”

“Well,” Yoel Dovid began, calmly linking his fingers infront of him. “It’s been a while since we last went out, if you’ll recall. Idid happen to go out with another Leah Schwartz around six months ago, so Imade sure when the name came up that she wasn’t the girl being suggested.”

Leah opened her mouth to speak, but Yoel Dovid held up ahand to silence her. “And if you’re wondering, as I know you were about tomention, why I didn’t think about you when I saw the name ‘Leah Schwartz,’ it’sbecause I’ve worked hard to forget about you,” he exhaled slowly, letting thepoint sink in. “Thinking about us is not something I tend to reminisce about.”

Leah swallowed hard, and Yoel Dovid could tell he’d bruisedher ego.

“Perhaps you can now understand just a little what it feltlike to be me all those years ago.”

~~~

Joel was bouncing with excitement. Tonight was the night.He’d reserved a table at their favorite restaurant and informed the staff abouthis special plans. As soon as their waiter saw the predetermined signal – Joel returningfrom the restroom with his hand in his right pocket – the staff would get readyfor the big moment.

Leah looked gorgeous. She even wore that dress of hers thathe liked so much. Joel had made sure to wear his contacts, since Leah thoughthe looked more handsome that way.

“I can’t believe we’ve been going out for nine months,” Leahgushed. “Time really flies when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?” She grinned.

Joel smiled back. “Especially when you’re with someone youcare about.” He glanced over her shoulder and noticed their waiter walking to anearby table with a tray of food. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use therestroom.”

“Sure, no problem. See you soon.”

Gentling tucking his chair under the table, Joel scurriedoff to the men’s bathroom. Inside, heturned on the water and splashed a handful on his face. He checked his cellphone and found it to be almost fully charged. Joel knew they’d soon be makinga lot of phone calls and sending out rounds of text messages, and he didn’twant to end up like his recently engaged friend whose phone died on him at thatmost inconvenient moment.

Joel closed his eyes and attempted to calm himself down bytaking a few deep breaths. Why should he be nervous? He knew things were goingreally well, and Leah’s best friend told him that lately Leah had been chattingher up about her own engagement, seemingly indicating that Leah was ready. Hebought the ring with his savings, along with some help from his parents, whoadored Leah. It was the exact design and size Leah had always dreamed of, or soher sister informed him. Joel had already met with her parents and asked Leah’sfather for permission to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. TheSchwartzes also liked Joel a lot, and wished their future son-in-law hatzlacha,telling him that they looked forward to planning the engagement party.

This was it… It was finally going to happen. He’d met thegirl of his dreams and he was finally going to propose. Nothing could be betterat that very moment. Steeling his nerves, Joel left the restroom, his handfirmly clenching the small velvet covered box in his right pocket.

Nearby, he caught their waiter’s eye and offered aconfirmatory nod. The waiter discreetly flashed a double thumbs up sign andwent to the kitchen to prepare for his role. Joel sat down at their table andsteadied his bouncing knee with his free hand.

“Did I miss anything interesting while I was gone?” He askedcasually.

“Other than me eagerly awaiting your return, nope.”

Well, it was now or never. Joel inhaled deeply and steadiedhimself.

“Leah,” he began, fixing his eyes on Leah’s own. “These pastnine months have been wonderful. I always felt unsure if I’d ever meet someonelike you, someone who complements and completes me so perfectly. You’re caring,considerate,and loving…” Joel waited briefly to gather his thoughts.

“You have a tremendous love and respect for Torah, mitzvosobservance and chesed, and I believe with all my heart that I could find no onebetter to be my partner in life,” Joel let the words linger so he could catchhis breath. He quietly got up from his chair and kneeled in front of Leah.

Fumbling slightly, he retrieved the velvet box from hispocket, opened the lid, and held it out for her to behold the sparklingcontents within.

“Leah Schwartz, will you marry-”

“Joel,” Leah interrupted, an uncomfortable look on her face.“I don’t think-”

“Ah, I apologize,” Joel interjected, and quickly returned tohis seat. “It didn’t occur to me that you might be embarrassed to be proposedto in such a public place-”

“That’s not it,” she shook her head rapidly. “It’s justthat-”

“Congratulations!” Beamed their waiter, and presented Leahwith a bouquet of bright red roses cradled in the crook of his arm.

“Th-thank you, that’ll be all,” Joel said tersely as hesnatched the flowers and slipped the man a five dollar bill.

“Oh, but what about-“ The waiter turned to indicate theother servers who were rapidly approaching with a bottle of champagne, two longnecked champagne flutes, a fancy cake that said “Mazal Tov” in icing on thetop, along with Joel’s camera. Leah looked mortified.

“Not now,” Joel insisted, holding out a hand, fingerssplayed. “Please give us a moment.”

“But of course!” The waiter chirped. “I’ll let you enjoysome privacy first.” He spun on his heel and shooed away his fellow employees.

Joel stuffed the flowers beneath the tablecloth and let themfall onto his shoes. He sat up stiffly, licked his lips, mouth suddenly dry andmanaged to ask, “What’s wrong?”

She refused to meet his eyes, her brow was furrowed withworry.

“Leah?”

“Joel… we can’t do this. I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?” He leaned forward, his voice faint.

“This isn’t going to work,” Leah slowly shook her head. “Iknow we’ve had a great time together, but I don’t see this going anywhere inthe long run.”

“Well, this is a bit sudden, isn’t it?” Joel raised aninquisitive eyebrow.

“It really isn’t,” her jaw tensed and she looked up. “We’vetalked about this before.”

“Talked about what, exactly?”

“Where we’re going in life. I know what my plan is, and I’vebeen accepted to grad school-”

“And I’m going to go to medical school! You know that. Andif you’re suddenly going to say you can’t handle marrying a future doctor, Iknow you’ve considered that already since your father is a doctor, and-”

“That’s not it, Joel,” Leah bit her bottom lip. “You’ve been saying that you want to goto med school since we started dating, but you’ve barely made an effort tostart studying for the MCAT, and I know all about that bad chemistry grade thatmight foul up your application chances.”

“I have every intention to ace that test. I even bought astudy guide last week. And that grade won’t mean a thing once they see myoverall GPA, the research and my impressive MCAT score.”

“Joel, you don’t even have an MCAT score. You graduatedcollege almost a year ago and you’ve just been working as a lab tech. To me,that doesn’t show serious commitment or the ability to support a wife andfamily.”

Joel winced. “But-”

“No buts, Joel. We havetalked about this before, and you definitely should know I’ve been worriedabout you,” Leah pursed her lips. “But I can’t keep being your cheerleader as Iprogress in life and I don’t see any effort on your part to make good on yourpromises.”

“Leah,” Joel briefly closed his eyes. “You’re right, I didsay I was going to start studying three months ago, but then things got busy atwork, and we’ve been going out a lot, so I-”

“Joel, please stop with the excuses. I really like you and Ican tell you like me. But, it takes a lot more serious commitment to make amarriage work, from both the practical and emotional standpoints.” Leahstopped, seemingly unsure what came next.

“Well, this is a fine way to break up with me,” Joel barkedsarcastically. “In our favorite restaurant, on our anniversary, no less.”

Leah recoiled as though she had been struck. “Look, you werethe one shoving a diamond ring in my face without ever bringing up the subjectof getting engaged,” she fired back, her voice wavering with exasperation. “Youcan’t just assume that since we’ve been dating for close to a year that we’regoing to get married!”

Joel moved an elbow onto the table. “If you’ve been thinkingabout ending things, then why have you been all cheery and smiling tonight?Have you been faking it, waiting for the right moment to break my heart?”

Leah’s upper lip trembled. “How could you say that Joel? Ihad no negative intentions coming into this date. I wanted to have a good timeand celebrate our anniversary,” she wiped back a tear. “And now you spring thiswhole surprise proposal on me, almost making a scene in the restaurant, andaccuse me of breaking your heart?”

“That sure seems like what’s happening from this side of thetable.”

Leah sniffed and dabbed at her eye with her napkin.

“And if you were so darn sure that I would never change, whyare you still going out with me?”

Leah inhaled deeply, trying to compose herself. “Becausethere is a part of me that really believes in you, cares about you… even lovesyou,” the tears trickled down freely. “I couldn’t bring myself to do anythingdecisive, I was scared. We had spent all this time together, seemed to getalong so well, but this major red flag wasn’t going away, no matter how hard Itried to encourage you and believe that things would change.”

“Leah,” Joel began, his tonesoftening.

“No, Joel… it’s over. I knew that deep down this couldn’twork without me believing in you, or the possibility of our future – a securefuture – with all of my heart. I’m not going to sit around waiting for you tomake the right move and prove yourself, I’ve done that enough already.”

“Leah,” he repeated weakly.

“I… I have to go. Goodnight.” Leah pushed her chair back,swung her coat around her shoulders and hurriedly went out the door.

“Leah…” Joel murmured aloud to no one.

“Oh, has the future missus gone to the restroom to adjusther makeup?” The waiter inquired, suddenly reappearing with the cake on a trayand Joel’s camera dangling from his wrist.

“No. She left,” Joel said, not even bothering to look up atthe man.

“Ah,” he pulled at his collar uncomfortably. “I’ll just wrapthis up then and bring you your check.”

Under the table, Joel's foot stomped the bouquet of roses.

~~~

Leah and Yoel Dovid sat in silence.

“I never would have thought you’d actually be in med school,”Leah remarked casually.

“I never thought you’d still be single,” Yoel Dovidcountered, his voice even. “I would’ve bet you’d be married by now with a few kids.”

“So did I,” Leah replied meekly.

The quietness engulfed them again.

Unexpectedly, Yoel Dovid chuckled to himself.

“What’s so funny?” For some strange reason, Leah’s own mouthpuckered into a slight smile.

“This,” he waved around the room. “Us,” he pointedalternately at himself and Leah.

“What do you mean by that?” She stifled the unexpectedgiggle building in her throat.

“What are the odds that we’d meet back here, five yearslater, just a few weeks short of what would have been the night we gotengaged?”

Suddenly, Leah’s mind was reeling. Had it really been fiveyears?

“And at this very table, no less,” she said, looking down.When she raised her head, she was actually smiling. “I thought you said youdon’t reminisce about us from back then?”

“I don’t,” he licked his dry lips furtively. “But that doesn’t mean I forgot you completely,”Yoel Dovid gazed deeply into Leah’s eyes. “No matter how hard I tried to.”

“Well, I still remember how romantic you used to be,” shegrinned. “I guess you haven’t lost your touch over the years.”

“So,” Yoel Dovid twiddled his thumbs.

“So… what?” Leah noticed his awkwardly busy hands andlaughed to herself.

“What have you been up to since the last time I saw you?”

Leah felt barriers she had built up inside her crumble andcome crashing down. Walls she haderected to keep out certain feelings and lock others away turned to dust and vanishedin a puff. She felt freer and more at peace than she had in a long time. Judgingby the way Yoel Dovid was playfully smirking, she thought he might haveexperienced a similar cathartic release.

Taking a deep breath, Leah launched into her recent lifestory, full of its own ups and downs, woes and joys. Yoel Dovid listenedintently, throwing in the occasional comment or joke, and in turn recapped hisown history from the past five years. Leah was absorbed with his exposition,and began to feel as though they were the only two people in the entirerestaurant.

Before they knew it, they were laughing and smiling togetherlike old times.

“Do you remember that time Avi tried to get you to set himup with your friend Ally?” Yoel Dovid asked in between mouthfuls of pasta.

“Man, what a disaster that was!” Leah put her fork down,trying not to choke as she cracked up from just thinking about Avi pining afterAlly.

“Ahem!” A loud voice declared, almost causing both of themto jump from their seats. They whirled around to face the maître d’, who stood nextto them with a ramrod straight posture holding an index finger to hiswristwatch. He tapped it three times with great annoyance.

“We are closing in ten minutes,” he indicated the otherwiseempty room. He reached into the pocket of his apron and flung a leather bound folderonto the table. Yoel Dovid quickly snatched it up, extracted a credit card fromhis wallet, and returned both to the waiter. “Thank you, sir. I’ll returnshortly,” he quipped, spinning on a heel and retreating to the register.

“Well…” Yoel Dovid grinned ever-so-slightly as a wild thoughtpopped into his head. “Want to go see if the old ring still fits?”

Leah was flabbergasted. “What do you mean…?! You still haveit?”

“It’s funny, actually...” He leaned back in his chair andstared absently at the ceiling.

“W-what’re you talking about?”

“It’s been sitting in my glove compartment for five years.”

Leah’s jaw dropped. “You’ve been driving around with thatexpensive thing right there, ready to be stolen all this time?”

“I threw it in there that last night we went out and neverwanted to see it again. I guess I forgot about it and kept piling other thingson top of it,” he lowered his gaze to Leah’s face. “Like I was trying to burythe past.”

“And you randomly thought of it just now? That seems like alittle too coincidental for me,” Leah crossed her arms over her chest.

“The truth is, I finally started cleaning out my car thisweek after my last date complained how messy it was. It just happened to bethat today’s cleanup project was the glove compartment.”

The waiter reappeared with the check and set it down with abelligerent harrumph. Yoel Dovid quickly calculated the tip and signed itbefore turning back to his date.

“I figured that while I was in the city I’d take the ring toa pawn shop and get rid of it after my date was over.”

“I really can’tbelieve that, you know,” Leah winked slyly.

“That’s exactly what happened!” he exclaimed defensively. Theoutburst faded into silence, and neither one could manage the courage to lookat the other. Swallowing hard, Yoel Dovid’s eyes lifted and focused on Leah’s.

“What do you say?” He asked, an edge of excitement creepinginto his voice.

Leah hesitated and bit down on her lower lip. The fire inYoel Dovid’s eyes began to fade.

“Yes. I’d like that.”

Yoel Dovid’s face lit up in the biggest grin Leah had everseen.

Jewish Music Fridays: Songs at a Table

2011-12-16T00:00:00.001-05:00

This week's Jewish Music Fridays is featuring an A Capella album that truly deserves recognition, in more ways that one.

I was introduced to The Niggun Project: Songs at a Table by a friend of a friend who is related to the people who coordinated and produced the album. Since encountering it, I have been quite enamored with its quality of niggun selections as well as the atmospheric feel of the tracks.

"Songs at a Table" is a collection of beautiful niggunim (though a few have words as well), recorded in a fashion unseen of in the Jewish music world. Instead of cramming into a professional studio and crafting tracks that can at times sound artificial - even if they are quite pleasant - "Songs at a Table" is literally that: a group of guys gathered together to sing some great, moving, inspiring, and invigorating niggunim around a dinner table.

Check out this Youtube video for proof of the concept:

Check out previews of all the songs on the album here.

"Songs at a Table" includes niggunim from a variety of sources such as Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach, Chassidic niggunim from Breslav, Lubavitch, Mobov, Moditz, Stolin, as well as favorites like "Shabbos Koidesh" and "Mareh Kohen." Lastly, there is an original niggun by the project coordinator, Dr. Josh Milner named after his youngest daughter Batya, which I personally feel is worthy of being included as one of the many niggunim popularly sung during a kumzitz.

The appeal of this album for me is how immersive the listening experience is. As soon as I pop the CD in (or start paying the MP3s), I feel like I'm sitting there at a lively kumzitz, and feel encouraged to join in and sing along with the vocalists. Many albums out there that either have niggunim on them or are solely collections of niggunim are often produced in such a way that there is a clear difference between the recorded version and what I'd expect to encounter when I would get together with some friends on Friday night for some spiritual inspiration. "Songs at a Table" captures this essence, and anytime I feel like I need an uplifting spiritual escape I can start listening to these niggunim and be transported to a different dimension.

On top of all the wonderful things about this CD, all profits made from its sale go to benefit Leket Israel, the National Food Bank for the State of Israel. So purchasing this album is a win-win situation - you get to listen to some really great niggunim, and you'll give tzedakah at the same time!

With Chanukah coming up, I think this would make a great present for anyone you know who enjoys Jewish Music. Or, save it until the Sefira A Capella season post Pesach or during the 3-Weeks. Either way, check out and buy this unique and uplifting album!

Matisyahu To Join Maccabeats, Enroll At YU

2011-12-14T20:03:00.005-05:00

While Jewlicious was the first to break the exciting news, Shades of Grey is proud to present an exclusive interview with the Jewish musical performer formerly known as Matisyahu, Mathew Miller, that tells the whole story behind his recent public transformation.

After the shocking revelation of the Twitter pics and accompanying note that brought the frum (religious Orthodox) world to its collective knees, many Jewish fans of Matisyahu can breath a sigh of relief.

Before: Matisyahu. After: Mathew Miller.
Image Source: AV Club.

No, Matisyahu, now Mathew Miller once again, has not gone "off the derech" (or OTD for short).

Nor did he, as Vos Iz Neias? incorrectly reported, use a razor blade to shave his beard - the usage of a straight razor for shaving is forbidden by Jewish law.

"I went out and bought a suitable electric shaver, just like every other observant Jewish man who shaves. I figured it was time for a change. It's clear to me now that my time in the spotlight as a Chassidic reggae/rapper is long past."

Miller attributes partial inspiration to the release of the Maccabeats' latest video, a cover of his marginally popular song/video from last year, "Miracle."

"The response they've generated vastly exceeds everything I had hoped for in my own version of 'Miracle,' especially with the charitable cause they are promoting. Some might want to say it's the unfortunate coincidence that I made the video at the same time 'Candlelight' dropped, but after some healthy self-introspection, I was able to step back and realize that everything is from the yad HaShem (hand of G-d)."

"It's clear as daylight that this has all been hashgacha pratis (divine influence) to guide me toward my new path in life."

Miller, who always dreamed of reaching out to disenfranchised and irreligious Jews in the hopes of bringing them closer to their heritage, claims that he has now realized how he can continue that goal, while remaining a public music figure and continuing to inspire the masses.

"You know, I'd just heard so much about the 'big tent' that [Yeshiva University] President Joel always talks about in his speeches. I began to realize that this was something I'd always yearned for, something that was always at the core of my musical message."

While many listeners initially found Miller's Matisyahu persona, complete with full beard, large velvet yarmulka, peyot (sidelocks) and tzitzit (ritual fringes) inspiring, Miller now thinks that some of these aspects have become a hindrance for attracting the attention of those potentially interested in exploring their Judaism.

"Not every Jew had a beard, and certainly not every Jew wears a velvet yarmulka. In some ways, these have become part of a uniform for a subculture within Judaism that I simply don't want to represent anymore. For a while, I was mislead into thinking that there was only 'one right way' to be Jewish. I now know that this is the farthest possible thing from the truth," Miller remarked poignantly as he adjusted the new knit yarmulka on his head.

In an effort to reconnect to the broader world of Torah-observant Judaism, Miller and his family have moved to Washington Heights, the upper Manhattan Neighborhood that houses Yeshiva University's Wilf Campus, where the male student body as well as the Rabbi Isaac Elachanan Theological Seminary is located.

In addition, Miller has enrolled at Yeshiva University's Philip and Sarah Belz School of Music, hoping to broaden his own appreciation and knowledge of the breadth of traditional Jewish music. He intends to split his time between learning in the new Glueck Beit Midrash, attending a variety of classes at the Belz School of Music, and working on what may be the most exciting development since his recent announcement: singing with the Maccabeats.

Miller, wearing his new Maccabeats outfit, sent Shades of Grey this exclusive photo.

"The Maccabeats have been very gracious to me in giving me the chance to become a part of their mission. I strongly believe in their efforts to spread the message of Torah Umadda (Torah and secular wisdom) to the world, engaging in both Torah study as well as the world at large. It's kind of funny that I was never really able to succinctly describe my 'weltanschauung' as the Rav (Soloveitchick) used to say, but since becoming closer to the guys in the group, I think I've found a new home."

The process of joining Yeshiva University's world famous Modern Orthodox A Capella group led Miller to decide to shave his beard and sidelocks.

"I don't want anyone to think that the Maccabeats have some sort of rigid dress code that required me to shave," Miller said. "Well, besides their white shirts and skinny black ties," he chuckled.

"At first, they told me I was fine just the way I was, without needing to alter my physical appearance one bit. It was entirely my decision to shed the outward expression of my former Chassidic persona."

Miller was very impressed with the Maccabeats' version of his own hit song, "One Day," which was their first music video venture back in 2010. With complete humility, Miller willingly agrees that their video for "Miracle" surpasses his original version.

The Maccabeats' take on "Miracle," which Miller says is better than his original.

"I was always a bit worried about how some people might view the scenes portrayed in 'Miracle.' And honestly, I think it turned out a little wacky in the end. The Maccabeats, along with their amazingly talented friend, Uri Westrich, have certainly elevated the stature of the song by pairing it with a video that is both engaging and meaningful, instead of all the strange X-mas imagery my director forced on me."

Having followed their career with great interest since the release of their "One Day," Miller was very moved by their High-Holidays themed "Book of Good Life." He claims that the message presented in the video moved him to perform a serious soul-searching that led him to where he finds himself today.

"I don't want to be remembered as that rabbi-guy brawling with Santa Claus in an ice-skating rink. I would much rather my legacy be more clean-cut, palatable, and appealing for a wider audience. I still have plenty of ideas and musical dreams, and now I will, G-d willing, be able to achieve them in the right environment and with the right musical group."

The original "Miracle" music video, which Miller now partially regrets.

When asked further about his plans at Yeshiva University, Miller is reluctant to plan too far ahead. He is not currently sure which morning shiur (lecture) he will join, but he is looking forward to becoming involved with the student body, including Rabbi Hershel Reichman's monthly Rosh Chodesh (new Jewish month) get-together, participating in the annual Chanukah Chagigah (celebration), and occasionally serving as prayer-leader at the Friday night Carlebach Minyan (prayer group).

"There are so many opportunities for me to positively influence the lives of students who may be struggling with their connection to Judaism as I have been these past few years. I hope to use my talents and music to inspire and increase the level of spirituality on campus."

There is, however, one thing that Miller already has had to contend with, even though he just relocated to Washington Heights a few days ago.

"President Joel won't stop calling, texting, and emailing me. We met before at last year's Chanukah concert, but now that I'm officially part of the YU community, he keeps asking me to include his trademark 'ennoble and enable' catchphrase in one of my forthcoming songs."

"I keep telling him 'one day,' if he's lucky," he concluded with a smile.

Mayim Bialik Talks About Her Maccabeats Cameo

2011-12-13T19:55:00.003-05:00

I wasn't so surprised when I noticed Jewish actress and neuroscientist Mayim Bialik appear in the latest Maccabeats video, "Miracle." I had been following her online cheer-leader-ing and remarks about her favorite (in a kind of obsessive way) Jewish music group.

Mayim was the first celebrity - way before Obama - to take a real interest in the guys and their positive Torah Umadda message. She even gave them a shout out at Tribefest this past March (this clip is worth watching for the other meaningful things she says aside from the name-drop).

Now she has posted her side of the story in "Mayim's Miracle Maccabeats Debut," sharing with all of us out there in internet-land her experience of how she came to make a cameo in their follow-up video to "Candlight."

I'm glad Mayim is out there in the notoriously liberal Hollywood promoting real Jewish values, as well as publicly supporting our now-famous A Capella group. She's a breath of fresh air in a sometimes very anti-Jewish or self-derogatory (self-hating can be a bit much) world out there.

THE GROGGERS - Anonymous Girl (Acoustic)

2011-12-12T14:56:00.004-05:00

The whole controversy that has been sweeping the YU world and beyond deserves some serious critical thinking, which I may write about in a future post. If readers are interested in getting a general sense of my perspective, please read Chana's posts on the matter (one and two) and my replies there.

On a less serious note...

This is an amazing piece of satire, that's what this is.

If you haven't checked out The Groggers yet, please do.

How About The Other Chanukah Music Videos Of 2011?

2011-12-12T00:00:00.009-05:00

Ever since the Maccabeats catapulted to fame last year with their smash-hit "Candlelight" every time a Jewish holiday draws near, it seems we are inundated with new Jewish-themed music videos. From professionally recorded, expertly choreographed productions by name-brand organizations to a group of friends getting together to show their enthusiasm for the festival, everyone seems to be looking for the chance to replicate the popularity and success that Yeshiva University's A Capella group achieved.

Now that we're almost at Chanukah once again (has it really been a year already?), the Maccabeats have released their Chanukah follow up cover of Matisyahu's "Miracle." But what about all the other musical artists out there?

Let's check out the latest non-Maccabeats Chanukah-themed music videos out there.

Aish continues their trend of musical parodies after their very popular and original video from Rosh Hashana. The Lion of Zion dancers are back, and this video is called "Chanukah Jewish Rock of Ages," which features 8 songs, some classic and some modern, that tell the story of Chanukah.

Some of the lyrics are a bit corny, but they all fit really well. I can't get enough of the shot of two guys on the motorcycle in front of the motion-screen.

"A New Chanukah Medley" - a A Capella parody medley that really "gets into the spirit of the season," with each song sharing a certain theme...

It's kind of cute. I have heard of prankster yeshiva bochurim using jingle bells or other holiday tunes for Lecha Dodi during this time of year, so I guess this has been done before, to a degree.

The Yeshiva Boys' Choir has thrown their hat into the ring with a high-quality video for an original comedy song called "Those Were the Nights (of Chanukah."

While it's pretty obvious they're playing the safe game by featuring boys dressed as women and no real female participants whatsoever, which once caused the Maccabeats to be critiqued, I can't help but be a little weirded out by some of the cross-dressing going on here.

If you're in the mood for a bunch of bubbes and zaides have a fun time singing/celebrating Chanukah, check out the rather funny video by The LA Jewish Home called "Happy Chanukah From the Jewish Home!"

Not quite the Maccabeats, but another male A Capella group for Temple Adat Shalom:

Here's a Jewish rap/R&B video called "Hanukkah 2012 - All of the Lights"

We'll continue with another Jewish rap video, by Matt Rissien called "All I do is spin" a parody of "All I do is win," originally by DJ Khaled.

The Shlomones are back again with "The Rocky Hora Chanukah Song."

I have to say I'd never thought I'd see a "Rocky Horror Picture Show" Jewish parody song...

In my opinion, the funniest, most original video thus far comes from veteran A Capella group Six13, called "Chanukah Rights:"

UPDATE (12/12/11): I'm not sure how I missed The Fountainheads, but here is their contribution called "Light Up the Night." Just to forewarn, this contains women singing/dancing.

And here's a new A Capella group, with a pun-tastic name: Pella! Their debut video "Holiday Party -Tonight Tonight" is quite fun, and I happen to know a few of the guys in the group...

This might be my favorite video. They picked a great, catchy, upbeat song, have great production values/editing, include a number of pretty funny jokes, and pretty much covered almost all the chagim out there. I'm also a big fan of their energy, dance moves and green screen use (all the clones, etc). However, since they go through all the holidays, does this mean they're not going to make another video when Purim rolls around?

UPDATE 12/14/11: Here is a FANTASTIC song by The Avoda called "Spread the Light," which has an amazing, pounding beat. The lyrics are great too. The video itself doesn't compare the the shtickyness of all the others out there, but the most important thing is the music, right? This song gets my vote for the best original song of the Chanukah season this year.

UPDATE 12/16/11: The B-Boyz are back again with another Chanukah-themed take-off of a popular secular song. This time it's called "Menorah Hearts" and is based on "Stereo Hearts" by Adam Levine & Gym Class Heroes. These are the guys who happened to pick "Dynamite" last year and tried to cash in on the Maccabeats' fame, with very little success. I wrote a bit about them here.

MyJewishLearning.com presents a Bible Raps song for Chanukah 2011 called "Light is in the Air."

UPDATE 1-3-12 Though a little late, here is "Maoz Tzur" Except Saturday:

If anyone finds other Chanukah related music videos, please share in the comments, and I'll add them to the list.

New Maccabeats Chanukah Video! Miracle By Matisyahu

2011-12-09T11:40:00.005-05:00

After hinting at a new video release for Chanukah on their Facebook page, The Maccabeats have released their version of "Miracle" by Matisyahu, which oddly enough, was the Chanukah song/video that The Maccabeats outshone last year with "Candlelight." Whereas "Miracle" has only garnered a little over 750,000 views, "Candlelight" has exceeded 6,000,000.

Check out The Macceabeats version of "Miracle:"

The Maccabeats are also fundraising for The Gift of Life Bone Marrow Foundation via The Judy Greenberg z'l Miracle Match Campaign. The Gift of Life is famous for their cheek-swabbing events at YU (and elsewhere) in which they try to match potential bone marrow donors to patients suffering from leukemia. Their goal is to raise $80,000 - $10,000 for each night of Chanukah.

Check out this video explaining this charitable cause, featuring Jewish actress, star of The Big Bang Theory and major Maccabeat fan Mayim Bialik:

And click here to donate.

So what do you think? Does it compare to "Candlelight?"

P.S. This post in in-lieu of this week's Jewish Music Fridays feature. Although I attempted to post it earlier, I don't want a wonderful album to be overshadowed by The Maccabeats. So tune in next week!

One Way NOT To Propose

2011-12-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

Take note guys: Do NOT hide the ring in an item of food that could be easily consumed.

Not every girl will be as lucky as this one and find the engagement ring inside her tortilla as planned:

Hopefully, the guy won't purchase the ring at Wal-Mart either.

The image below demonstrates what can go wrong with this idea.

This is a real X-ray from a Huffington Post article about strange items found in X-rays, and it demonstrates why I was very reluctant to act on any of the suggestions given to me for engagement ideas that involved hiding the ring in a food item or drink. Thanks anyway, Mom ;)

The last thing you want to happen is for the girl to mistakenly gulp down the ring without noticing the precious object nestled in that piece of cake or resting at the bottom of that flute of champagne.

On top of all that, what girl wants her ring to get dirtied with icing, pasta sauce, sorbet, salad dressing or whatever, and have to go clean it up before she can show it off and pose for the obligatory Only Simchas pictures?

And if she fails to notice the ring in that her guy so lovingly hid in the special dessert or whatever... well, the clean up won't be much fun either once the ring is retrieved.

For those readers who are suspicious about the above X-ray and can't believe that this has ever happened, please feel free to watch this segment on the nationally broadcast NBC Today Show which features an actual incident of accidental engagement ring consumption.

To be honest, I think having pictures on Only Simchas that featured the guy and girl smiling and talking on their cell phones while holding the X-ray of the ring's location between them would be pretty darn hilarious.

Just imagine that for a moment...

Triple bonus points to the couple who pulls that off as a prank when they get engaged.

Has anyone heard of this ever happening in the Jewish dating world?

Jewish Music Fridays: Shirei Halevi'im

2011-12-02T11:33:00.002-05:00

Welcome back to Jewish Music Fridays! This week we're featuring an album that came out a few years ago, but is one of the most unique and beautiful releases I've ever heard.

It's called "Shirei HaLevi'im" and it's by Rabbi Benjy Epstein. Rabbi Epstein is a former sgan mashgiach at YU, and was once the lead singer for a band called Aspaklaria, which was formed during the time he and his friends were undergrads at YU.

This album was another random seforim sale find for me, and I didn't even discover it until the 2010 sale, despite the fact that the album was released in 2009.

The overall structure of the album is as the title implies: the daily perek of tehillim we recite after Shacharis, the very same songs that the Levi'im sang in the Beis Hamikdash. There are a few other perakim thrown in as well, plus an amazing bonus track that is hidden after a gap at the end of "Borchi Nafshi" which features Rabbi Epstein singing R' Shlomo Carlebach's "Ana Bekoach" A Capella - and it's simply gorgeous.

The overall feel of the album is a relaxed, soothing, soul-stirring journey that really speaks to the listener's inner essence. I'm sure that every consumer will be struck by different aspects of the music, but the combination of Rabbi Epstein's soft voice and the masterfully composed accompanying music puts me in a very meditative, positive state of mind/being.

It just so happens that I gave this CD to ASoG while we were dating, and we'd often listen to it on repeat during our car ride back to Washington Heights while there was construction being done on the George Washington Bridge. Traffic can be annoying, especially late night traffic, but with "Shirei HaLevi'im" coming out of the car's speakers, I really didn't mind at all.

Unfortunately, there aren't any real Youtube videos of songs from "Shirei Halevi'im" other than this very short clip from an appearance at the Seforim Sale:

I've never gotten tired of this CD as I have with other albums, but I think it does require a certain mood to listen to it, or a desire to be transported to another realm of spiritual tranquility. There are a few slightly faster songs here, but don't expect anything you could really dance to, which I don't think is a fault whatsoever.

According the Shirei HaLevi'im's Facebook page, there might be new material in the works as of this past September. I really hope Rabbi Epstein and crew will be able to produce and release a second album!

In short, Shirei HaLevi'im is a must-buy, and probably will be one of the most, if not the most unique album in your Jewish Music collection. It's an amazing week-long (and then some) listening experience that will elevate your soul.

Please check it out and support Rabbi Epstein's music!

This Is Disgusting - Sikrikim Victory Over Manny's

2011-11-30T18:30:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that it's come to this.

Manny's, a wonderful seforim/Judaica store in Mea She'arim, has finally given in to the ridiculous demands of the unintelligent, chilul-HaShem-ridden vagrants known as the Sikrikim.

Now, the store will have a "machgiach" who will decide what seforim (Hebrew only, thankfully) can be sold in the store and a sign requiring modesty will be placed in their window display.

This is sick.

I remember going to Manny's frequently during my time in Israel. It's a great store, and I managed to buy a few titles that were out of print. I also ran into many old friends I hadn't seen in a long time or fallen out of touch and were attending different yeshivos/seminaries. There are also very few good, large bookstores that sell English seforim for decent prices (the Feldheim stores are okay, but limited for obvious reasons). The staff there are also quite friendly and very helpful if you can't find something or want some directions around their multitude of shelves.

While I don't think Manny's has quite the pull of the YU Seforim Sale, I'm sure a number of people met nice members of the opposite gender while they were browsing. I wouldn't necessarily bet money on it, but I imagine potential shidduchim could have come about through this sort of casual kosher socializing. Maybe that's what these hooligans are so violently protesting against. If true, that's another reason this foolishness needs to stop.

Just to remind readers, these are the very same ruffians who have been causing a ruckus over the religious Dati girls school in Bet Shemesh.

In short, they are perverts for staring at modestly dressed little girls, and gangsters who vandalize property with human excrement.

Certainly the Rabbonim should vehemently speak out against them, if that will even have any effect at all. On top of that, the Israeli police need to round them up and forcibly end their reign of terror. There is no question their tactics are entirely illegal. Perhaps the government is reluctant to get involved because they figure this is an intracommunal problem and let the chareidim handle it themselves - which we've seen by now with persistent, damaging issues like child abuse - is nigh impossible.

This sort of false zealotry is the real machalah plaguing Torah Observant Judaism these days, and contributes to many other factors that have been detrimental to the world's view of us, not to mention the perspective of the secular Israelis within Israel, and has harmed the cause of achdus in Klal Yisrael.

Enough is enough. If they only understand force, then the government should respond in kind, enforce the law, and put them in their place.

UPDATE: Hat tip to Emes Ve-Emunah, who linked an Arutz Sheva article that reports the police are beginning to crack down on these guys. Baruch HaShem.

Any Bilha's And Zilpa's Out There?

2011-11-29T22:59:00.000-05:00

In this week's parsha, Yaakov marries not only Leah and Rachel, but also their maid-servants Zilpah and Bilhah (who may or may not have been their half-sisters).

I used to not be bothered by the fact that most of our liturgy and other Torah-related writings have much of any reference to the maid-servant foremothers, but a particularly feisty tour guide in the Old City of Yerushalayim started railing about it one day.

She wondered why no one seems to care where Bilhah and Zilpah are buried. We know where Rachel and Leah are - in a roadside grave/memorial and Ma'aras Hamachpelah respectively. What about the other half of Yaakov's wives, who produced 1/3rd of the shevatim, Klal Yisrael's ancestors?

One could venture to say that nowadays, since the exile of the 10 "Lost Tribes," Bnei Yisrael consists of members from the tribes of Levi and Yehuda who were born to Leah along with Binyamin who was born to Rachel. As such, we don't really have any connection to Yaakov's 3rd and 4th wives.

However, we also know that, to a degree, many of the members of the "Lost Tribes" may have been found and returned through the various groups from far away locations that have proudly identified themselves and begun the process of moving to the State of Israel. Of note is Israel's Chief Sephardic Rabbi Shlomo Amar recognizing the Bnei Menashe of India as one of the 10 lost tribes back in 2005.

On a less recent note, I recall hearing/learning that a number of our exiled brethren did indeed join up with the remaining community either in Israel or in Babylonia before the time of the 2nd Commonwealth and the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash. I think the same source remarked that not every last member of these 10 tribes actually left when the vast majority of the Northern Tribes were exiled, which means we never totally misplaced them in the first place.

I'm not going to discuss the Talmudic references here, since that's not really the point of this post.

Back to our near-forgotten foremothers.

Thinking to myself, I didn't think I had ever met anyone named after Bilhah and Zilpah, nor had I seen a memorial/dedication plaque of any sort that listed such a name. Then one day, ASoG mentioned the name of a family friend's mother who was ill and needed tefillos said on her behalf, and lo and behold her mother's first name was Bilhah! Sufficed to say, I was a bit flabbergasted, but in a good way.

Before completing this post, I decided to Google "Bilhah" and "Zilpah" to see what I could find.

First, it seems I was mechaven to a 2004 post by A Simple Jew who also wondered "Whatever happened to Bilhah and Zilpah?"

I also found an "Ask the Rabbi" question on Chabad.org which discusses why we don't mention Bilhah and Zilpah as matriarchs like Rochel and Leah.

Lastly, a comment on A Simple Jew's blog led me to check Wikipedia, which informed me that Bilhah and Zilpah are buried at the "Tomb of the Matriarchs" in Tiberias, which would seem to indicate that we indeed treat them as full-fledged Imahos. I had not heard about this particular grave site before, and find the list of women who are buried there to be a fascinating collection of important Biblical figures.

Do you know anyone named Bilhah or Zilpah?

The Imahos Didn't Cover Their Hair?!

2011-11-25T15:34:00.000-05:00

Two thoughts that occurred to me during Shnaim Mikra v'Echad Targum this week:

Why do we need to say when Rivkah "inquired of HaShem" as the Midrash in Bereishis Rabba says: that she went and talked to Shem to hear from HaShem? Rashi, Ibn Ezra, Rashbam, all say this. Even the Ba'al HaTurim, with his renowned penchant for gematria adds "Lidrosh - it's gematria = min Shem ben Noach (from Shem the son of Noach)."

Upon reading the psukim, the pshat would seem to me that Rivkah simply went and asked HaShem herself. Sarah was a prophetess, and was even greater in this are than Avraham. HaShem had conversations with the Avos, so why not the Imahos also? We can certainly extrapolate that if Sarah was a greater prophetess than Avraham was, she must have had some "off-screen" dialogue with G-d.

To substantiate this point: Later on in the parsha, Rivkah is told about Esav's declaration to take revenge on Yaakov, which the meforshim say means she was told this information prophetically - from HaShem Himself, I presume. Shem certainly isn't there in this instance, and there are no other people around who could have served as an intermediary to deliver the message - it certainly wasn't Yitzchak or Yaakov.

While looking into the commentaries on this verse to see if anyone far more reputable than I also had thought similarly about this issue, I discovered - Baruch Shekivanti - that the Ramban says the same thing, in direct contrast with Rashi. "I only found the language of 'drisha' regarding praying to HaShem" and he cites Tehillim 34:5"Derashti es HaShem va'aneni" - "I inquired of the L-rd, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears," Amos 5:4 "For thus saith the L-rd unto the house of Israel: inquire of Me, and live;" and Yechezkel 20:3 "'Son of man, speak unto the elders of Israel, and say unto them: Thus saith the L-rd G-d: Are ye come to inquire of Me? As I live, saith the L-rd G-d, I will not be inquired of by you."

So there you have it, a less midrashically-inclined understanding that Rivkah did have conservation with HaShem herself.

Now, onto the title of this blog post.

We see in this week's parsha, along with two separate incidences with Avraham and Sarah, that where our forefather disguises his relationship with his wife by claiming that they are brother and sister, in the hopes that he will not be killed so that a foreign ruler can marry her.

Upon reading the psukim describing this incident, a question struck me.

How did the whole she's my sister thing work?

Somehow, both Sarah and Rivkah had to be visibly similar to an unmarried woman, otherwise the whole ruse wouldn't work. I considered a few different possibilities:

1) Women at that time, married or not, did not wear hair coverings at all. Hence, looking at Rivkah's hair for a cover wouldn't confirm anything about their relationship.

2) All women wore hair coverings, but married women's hair coverings were not distinguishable from those of single women.

In either case, there must have been no specific garment/item of dress that indicated she was married, otherwise it'd be pretty silly to tell Avimelech that Rivkah was Yitzchak's sister when she wore their equivalent of a wedding band and diamond ring.

I know this is a bit of a stretch, but perhaps married women back then wore nose rings! Eliezer gives Rivkah one in anticipation of her forthcoming marriage to Yitzchak. Perhaps she simply took it off, and then you'd have the modern equivalent of removing a wedding ring, which is by no means immodest.

Has anyone out there heard/learned anything to shed more light on these topics?

No Jewish Music Fridays This Week

2011-11-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

I apologize, but I haven't had the time to put together a Jewish Music Fridays post this week because of the Thanksgiving break. Tune in next week!

Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and Steve Jobs

2011-11-21T21:00:00.001-05:00

Inspired by a post by Garnel Ironheart as well as my response there, I've decided to expand on the issue of the Chief Rabbi's remarks about consumerism and how they may have been misinterpreted, which caused Rabbi Sacks' office to issue a statement of clarification.

Please read those posts before continuing on here.

Rabbi Sacks is entirely correct in criticizing the plague of consumerism that threatens our society today. In fact, he has done so already when he wrote about the riots in London and how they also indicated that the world has some deeply ingrained issues revolving around our consumerism sickness:

"But what we have witnessed is a real, deep-seated and frightening failure of morality. These were not rebels with or without a cause. They were mostly bored teenagers, setting fire to cars for fun and looting shops for clothes, shoes, electronic gadgets and flat screen televisions. If that is not an indictment of the consumer society, what is?"

Rabbi Sack's most recent remarks are entirely leshitaso (according to his previously established views). I think he has written other pieces about this devastating trend as well - and he is right to do so!

Here are a few of his sharpest remarks from the address that has come under scrutiny:

"The consumer society was laid down by the late Steve Jobs coming down the mountain with two tablets, iPad one and iPad two, and the result is that we now have a culture of iPod, iPhone, iTune, i, i, i.

"When you're an individualist, egocentric culture and you only care about 'i', you don't do terribly well."

He went on: "What does a consumer ethic do? It makes you aware all the time of the things you don't have instead of thanking God for all the things you do have.

"If in a consumer society, through all the advertising and subtly seductive approaches to it, you've got an iPhone but you haven't got a fourth-generation one, the consumer society is in fact the most efficient mechanism ever devised for the creation and distribution of unhappiness."

This is Emes, pure and simple.

I once heard a recorded shiur from Rabbi Dr. Johnny Krug in which he talked about how our consumerism has gone so far that we take the "use it and throw it away" approach to our relationships as well, especially marriage. He said that we're so used to the idea of disposable products, which are there for our convenience but have none of the responsibility of maintenance and upkeep as real glass or metal utensils, that we think we can do that to spouses as well. If he/she doesn't do exactly what I want, doesn't please me the way I want, or if someone tells me something better is out there - out he/she goes, and I'm on to the next spouse.

It's a disturbing, sickening way to think and live, no "if"s, "and"s, or "but"s.

Don't get me wrong, Steve Jobs was a revolutionary designer and businessman. We certainly owe him gratitude for the wonderful products he helped create, produce and market. He had a unique creative genius that won't soon be replaced.

However, as I began to read all the news reports, articles, and quotations that came out after his recent death, I came to the conclusion that all Steve Jobs was could be encapsulated by his accomplishments in the business world. As a moral person, he was no role model whatsoever, as a number of prominent events from his life attest to, such as cheating his friend and future partner Steve Wozniak out of a bonus at work, or leaving his pregnant girlfriend after she refused to have an abortion.

When ASoG and I were in an airport recently waiting for our connecting flight, I walked over to the nearby bookstore and flipped through a few of the prominently displayed books about Jobs. One book was a large listing of quotes on various subjects. I was struck by a particular quote that talked about the production of Toy Story 2 by Pixar, which he owned at the time. Jobs spoke about working his employees to the bone, making them miss family occasions/celebrations, holidays, and weekends for an extended period of time to make sure the movie was released on schedule. Jobs said it was grueling and difficult at the time, but the product was entirely worth it and he thinks his employees would agree.

I enjoyed the movie, but my perception of it now is a bit tainted by the fact that Jobs forced people to slave away and miss parts of their lives for the sake of a product, work of art, or whatever you want to call it. I don't think that's right - and Jobs did this a lot in his Apple product design and development as well. I read numerous pieces that talked about how much of an unforgiving task master he was in controlling his employees. None of that is something to be proud of or worth emulating. A true leader can and should inspire greatness in those in his charge without resorting to the tactics that Steve Jobs did.

A real model of leadership worth emulating can be found in Rabbi Sacks' essay on the concept of Jewish leadership based in the parshiyos Nitzavim-Vayelech here.

Another huge critique I discovered of Steve Jobs following his death was the fact that despite all the enormous sums of money he earned for his products, he never became a philanthropist of any sort. A short time before Jobs' death, reporters wrote about the breaking news that Apple had more cash than the US Government. These writers joked about President Obama looking to Jobs for a loan to help with the debt crisis. It was funny then, but not so funny to me now when I think about the fact that Jobs never did anything charitable with all his money. In my mind, anyone with a significant amount of wealth should use it wise to give and benefit others in need, as Jobs' rival, Bill Gates has done in co-founding The Giving Pledge.

In many ways, Steve Jobs was a big jerk. Yes, he revolutionized the way we compute, listen to music, and browse the internet/media with the Apple/Mac computer, iPod/iTunes, and iPad. But when it comes down to it, his lasting legacy is giving the world a bunch of fancy toys to play with.

As we say in Tehillim 49:17, which is recited at funerals - "When he dies, he shall take nothing with him. His wealth/honor will not descend after him."

I'm not writing this post to besmirch the name of Steve Jobs - I think he did that well enough himself while he was living. I want to support Rabbi Sacks' remarks, because I believe he is correct in his criticism. His message is one that we all need to hear - and that Steve Jobs may have benefited from, had he been given the chance.

Let us enjoy the gifts we have, and recognize their source as Koheles says 3:13 "And also every man should eat and drink and enjoy pleasure (or I might translate: see good) in his labor - it is a gift from G-d." I hope that we can all learn to lead lives that are charitable and full of caring for others. No one said that we should live austere lives without pleasure, rather, we should live comfortably within our means - and make sure to give to and do chesed for others less fortunate than we.

And in doing so, let's focus on what's really important, as the penultimate posuk in Koheles (12:13) says: "The end of the matter, all having been heard: fear G-d, and keep His mitzvos; for this is the whole of man."

Jewish Music Fridays: Judablue

2011-11-18T10:53:00.002-05:00

This week's Jewish Music Fridays features a band that some readers may already be familiar with from a post I wrote a few months ago that enthusiastically promoted their music video called "Falling."

Judablue has knocked my socks off since I first discovered them via a friend (who happens to be related to one of the band members) who was promoting their music by linking them on Facebook. For months I listened to their in-progress tracks on Myspace and was later delighted to find their EP "Forty Days," at the YU Seforim Sale.

What made their music so engaging for me was their fresh take on selecting lyrics from psukim not typically used, along with songs about subjects such as Avraham Avinu and Noach with original lyrics that were really heartfelt and creative. What truly amazed me was that these guys recorded their songs while in high school, or the summer prior to heading off to Shana Aleph/college. Even before they released their EP, they had already performed at a number of venues and had a fairly impressive following for their live shows (see videos below).

Shlomo Ari Gaisen, Judablue's vocalist and younger brother of Jewish musician Jeremy Gaisen, has a very mature, powerful voice that sounds as though it belonged to an older performer who has many years of experience under his belt. The combination of his natural talent along with the soulful expression of Judablue's meaningful lyrics provides an incredible listening experience. Shlomo also plays the saxophone and piano.

I can't forget to mention the rest of the band as well - Yaniv Hoffman (guitar), Ravi Brooks (drums), Moti Schnapp (Guitar) and Danny Feinberg (Bass) since they are also incredibly talented. The band's story is unique; all the guys in the group come from different religious backgrounds, and unlike what many might expect in our increasingly divisive world, they all get along great and create music that inspires, touches the soul, and truly rocks!

Fun factoid from an informative though unintentionally amusing (at least the questions) interview on Arutz 7/Israel National News: The outdoor field scenes was shot in the "eye" of a tornado/storm! If any of the Judablue members are out there reading this, I'd love to hear more about that experience, and would definitely write a post about it (free publicity!).

I think their mission statement is quite accurate, in which they characterize their music as:

"An epic attempt to bring heaven down to earth."

"Im Lo Aleh" from "Forty Days"

"Forty Days"

"Falling"

Here are some videos from a live show at Mexicali Live in Teaneck, New Jersey from 2009, featuring some of my favorite songs:

"Modeh Ani"

"Lech Lecha"

"Hiney Keyl"

"Hamalach"

I really can't wait for more music from these very talented guys! Very rarely do I like every song on an album, but their EP "Forty Days" is worth every penny, and if "Falling" is any indication, Judablue is only getting better and better as time goes by.

Things I Don't Understand: Meta-Bathrooms

2011-11-16T09:57:00.001-05:00

See this lovely picture on the left? No, it is not a photograph of the bathroom set up in our new apartment. In fact, it is a painting of a bathroom - a nicely decorated and organized bathroom, to be sure.

In fact, this picture, purchased at Homegoods by ASoG, is hanging IN the bathroom of our new apartment.

I don't get it. Why have we, and by we I mean Orthodox Jews, adopted a standard practice of

displaying art of bathrooms IN bathrooms?

I didn't grow up with this practice. My parents never had pictures of any sort hanging up in any of the bathrooms in their home, whether in any of our personal bathrooms or the guest bathrooms. Instead, we always had interesting wall paper which usually featured some sort of intricate design, or little artistic portrayals of scenes of a particular theme.

Since I have become more well-traveled, particularly in the New York area once I began attending YU, I saw art of bathrooms in almost every home I visited. For example, the bathrooms in President Richard Joel's presidential estate feature art of bathrooms in the bathrooms.

In truth, I did see this phenomenon in one place in my hometown - inside the local mikvah which I saw on my pre-Yomim Noraim visits. For some reason, this makes more sense to me than having bathroom paintings in a regular bathroom. But the point still remains:

Why do we do this?

What is the reason why we have this strange obsession with being meta-expressive by having bathrooms in bathrooms? It would be ridiculous if there were pictures of bathrooms in the pictures of bathrooms that we have in our bathrooms.

Per ASoG's insistence - and not that I really object, since I didn't have a better suggestion anyway - we've joined the bathroom art in bathroom club. She couldn't quite explain why this was the most appropriate form of art to display in out bathroom, but it is something that everyone else seems to do. I remain confused.

Can someone explain it to me?

Happy First Wedding Anniversary To Us!

2011-11-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

Wow.

I can't believe it's already been a whole year since ASoG and I stood under the chuppah together.

Ever since my time spent at my yeshiva in Israel, I've perceived how fast time moves. I remember in high school

Not only was it our anniversary, but we were honored to be the kvatters (baby carrying couple) at the bris of a friend of ours on the same day! For those not in know, being a kvatter is a segulah to have children. I guess that as soon as Shana Rishona is over and there are no children or known pregnancies, the pressure is on that we're next on the expected-to-be-parents list. That in and of itself is a whole different discussion, though one that I probably wouldn't have on this blog.

Anyway...

The first wedding anniversary is known as the "Paper Anniversary" according to social ettiquete, and the modern equivalent of the present one is "chayiv" to give to one's spouse is apparently a clock of some sort. This is supposed to be symbolic of the cherished time that has passed by, which although possibly romantic from a certain point of view, makes for one rather boring gift in my opinion.

As a side point, it should be noted that one of the reasons a chosson is given a watch is related to this concept, to value the time spend with his fiancee/wife.

My personal perspective is that a couple's 1-year wedding anniversary only occurs once in a lifetime (G-d willing that no one has a need for a second one for any reason), and that it is an occasion worth a bit more celebration than exchanging clocks. I started planning a series of surprises and gifts about a week and a half beforehand, all of which were designed to punctuate the date with moments and items that were special and would always put a smile on ASoG's face.

I started off by gently waking ASoG up shortly after midnight (she had gone to bed and I was studying for grad school) and presented her with a card and a pair of pearl earrings - ASoG loves pearls.

The next day was a bit crazy with grad school class, a bris, and running around to prepare the additional surprises I had in store.

I left school at 12 and ran to a local store to buy a bouquet of a dozen red roses, which I gave to ASoG upon my return home, along with another anniversary card that had red roses on the front (all of which recalled the red roses I gave her when we got engaged, and several times afterward).

As it turned out, I wasn't informed that we were scheduled to be the kvatters, though ASoG DID know (thanks for telling me, ;) ) and I ran over to shul in my regular clothing and without my davening jacket, which I typically wear to a bris to dress up a bit. We walked into the hallway and stood near the sanctuary, casually chatting together, when our Rav suddenly runs over and tells us to get ready to carry the baby into the sanctuary (ASoG) and to the bima (me).

Aside from being caught unawares (and feeling underdressed), I was really, really nervous about the whole thing. I don't have much experience holding or carrying infants, especially ones that are so young, and particularly walking down, then later up, a lengthy incline while holding the baby horizontally outward in a pillow on my arms, instead of clutched closer to my chest or on my shoulder.

Once ASoG handed me the baby boy with a smile and a warning to hold his head up, I very carefully and very nervously plodded forward with measured steps, eyes focused on the little innocent face in my arms as well as the floor in front of me. I was deathly afraid of tripping, dropping or otherwise harming the poor kid. I was confused by ASoG's admonition, especially once I saw the next man I passed the baby not worry about that at all. She later told me that just as the mother was about to hand her the child that he began spitting up, so his mother quickly took him back, cleaned him up and returned him to ASoG.

After the baby was brought to the bima and settled down into the sandak's lap, everything suddenly ground to a halt and the father ran back down the aisle and into the hallway. Everyone was a little alarmed, and our Rav turned to us, saying "Don't worry, we double-checked and it's still a boy!" He then announced that there was a last minute diaper change required. A few minutes after the little guy was refitted, the same thing happened again! After the father returned the second time, he announced that it's a good idea to bring a few spare diapers to a bris, which drew laughs from the crowd. One of our kollel rabbis standing nearby turned to me and said that the double diaper dirtying was a segulah that the baby will have healthy intestines!

The bris went on without any further concerns, and I carried little Yosef Simcha haKohen back to ASoG, still extremely nervous, but happier I was walking up and not down the incline of the aisle. Surprisingly, at least it was a surprise to me, he seemed rather chilled out, sucking on the wine-absorbed little cloth and not crying bloody murder in pain. It definitely felt a little strange carrying him and thinking about why we were asked to perform this honor, but the opportunity was eye opening and spurred a spiritual connection in me I didn't really know I had before for children...

All the while we were at shul people were wishing us Mazal Tov on our anniversary, some more positive than others. One man's father actually was nifter on our wedding day, and he told me that his parents were very much happy and in love for 56 years of marriage, and then wished us that we should have at least as many years together as they did. Another fellow told me that we should take it as a good sign that if we haven't killed each other yet after a year, we're going to be successful together.

After the bris I went back to school for a 2-hour lecture, picked up a book at the library and then went shopping for the last few things I needed for the next round of surprises for ASoG.

I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy candles for a romantic dinner I had planned thanks to our local kosher caterer. I also happened to find a nice wall-mounted clock to replace one that we accidentally broke and ASoG had wanted replaced (she liked my choice).

I ordered all of ASoG's favorite foods from the caterer, starting off with a salad with baby corn, cornbread muffins accompanied by sweet onion spread (which was made by my sister, Shades of Black), and fettuccini alfredo as the main course.

As icing on the cake (pardon the pun) I ordered a special icecream cake for dessert from our local Cold-Stone Creamery, which conveniently makes cakes sized for 2 people, along with the message "Happy 1st Anniversary ASoG" written across the top. I though about calling them back after I placed the order to tell them to add "Love, SoG" but there wouldn't have been enough room anyway, it turned out.

The key to this plan was getting SoBl to get ASoG out of the apartment so I could set up the dinner. Thankfully, she came up with a plan to take her shopping, and the timing worked out quite nicely. I had time to prepare the table, organize the food, shave and change clothes before they got back.

At dinner, after ASoG was every-so-pleasantly suprised by all the delicacies, I gave her the 3rd card in my planned trilogy, along with a pearl bracelet which ASoG loved. For those of you wondering how I can afford all this jewelry, I heartily recommend Bluenile.com, which has some nice pearl pieces and other items that aren't too expensive.

Bringing out the little cake was definitely the highlight of the evening for me, and a perfect way to top off my day of surprises for ASoG (or so she tells me :) ). It was also a very delicious way to conclude an already scrumptuous meal.

For those wondering what she got me for our anniversary: ASoG very expertly and carefully put together a photobook from pictures I had on my old computer spanning our first date, our engagement, the wedding, and more recent events in our lives together. Each page was very well arranged and accompanied by a poetic narrative that was very cute and heartwarming. Although ASoG tells me that I couldn't have made our anniversary any more special for her, I think her gift topped all of mine put together because of it's uniqueness, personal touch and memorable significance.

So for anyone out there planning 1st anniversary festivities, I highly recommend a staggered series of surprises/gifts/cards spread throughout the day that makes the entire 24-hour period feel special. It's not the money spent, but the creative and thoughtful effort as well as the presentation that really counts.

I hope that ASoG and I get to spend many, many more anniversaries together (until 120, at least) in good health, happiness and with lots of smiles and laughter.

Jewish Music Fridays: Eden

2011-11-11T13:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome back to a special 11-11-11 edition of Jewish Music Fridays!

Today we're featuring a Jewish rock band trio from Brooklyn called Eden.

Their original album "Break of Dawn" was released in 2005. I remember discovering it in a Judaica store when I was visiting cousins in Baltimore the summer after Shana Aleph. I thought the cover art was quirky, different and interesting, which helped convince me to buy the CD.

As someone who got into the modern Jewish rock scene with the advent of Blue Fringe after listening to a lot of early 2000's secular alternative rock in and around high school, I thought Eden's style was great. Their sound was very different from Blue Fringe, and had a great variety in the genres found throughout the album. The stark contrast between their fast-paced, rocking"Adon Olam" and their very beautiful rendition of "Od Yishama," the only song to feature a piano, demonstrates their knack for successfully utilizing a wide variety of styles of music.

I also particularly liked their English lyrics, which were meaningful and thought-provoking. One of the best examples that comes to mind is "V'ahavta," which describes our requirement to love our fellow as ourselves. That song in particular really speaks to me.

Another unique aspect about these guys is their vocalist, David Ben-Yshay (great name, right?) who is Sephardic. As such, I have always felt his pronunciation of Hebrew (with taf instead of saf, etc) sounds more natural and authentic than when non-Israeli Ashkenazim pronounce Hebrew this way. I think this is best demonstrated in their new song "Kadish."

After a few years of not hearing much about them, they produced a 6-song EP called "Knock at the Door," which was released earlier this year. The sound of the songs here feature a harder rock vibe, a little more energetic and in-your-face, such as the song "Yigdal." Overall, I think the EP captures the essence of "Break of Dawn" which includes very impressive music accompanied by meaningful lyrics. Their "Lecha Dodi" is nothing short of masterful, in my opinion.

I also saw them perform recently, and I have to say their live performance really rocks. They're really nice, well-spoken guys who are dedicated to their music but also take the time to connect the music to ideas from their personal learning and how it all connects to their Judaism. Everyone in attendance, from the most yeshivish to the unaffiliated really enjoyed the concert.

They don't have too many Youtube videos to embed here, so check out a playlist of songs from "Break of Dawn" and "Knock at the Door" on their Myspace page.

I'm not sure why these guys aren't more well-known, but they have a lot of talent I am looking forward to their second full album, which I believe is currently in production.

Both "Break of Dawn" and "Knock at the Door" are absolutely worthy of purchase. You can also check them out on Facebook.

Happy Belated 2nd Blogoversary!

2011-11-09T12:06:00.005-05:00

Last year I completely forgot to go back and write a reflective 1st Blogoversary post. This year, I forgot when my Blogoversary was, primarily because I remember starting the blog around Yom Kippur, not realizing that since this year was a leap year that Yom Kippur fell out much later in the secular calendar than it did the year I began this blogging adventure. I continued to fall behind as grad school took up most of my free time, along with other more timely post ideas popped into my head.

Truthfully, I've also been a bit stuck in making an attempt to write something profound and meaningful. It's pretty hard to achieve that on demand, and I've always found inspiration to strike at unexpected moments that cannot be summoned or controlled.

Nevertheless, I think I owe it to myself, more so than the readers, to at least make an attempt to take a step back and ruminate a bit about where I came from, where I am now, and where I'm going with this blog.

I, like many other single bloggers out there, started the blog during a time of introspection following a series of unproductive shidduchim. My goal wasn't to create a dating/shidduchim themed blog per se, and initially was inspired to share my own hashkafic musings about events in the world and things I learned and experienced at YU. I drew my primary inspiration from Chana's Curious Jew for the hashkafic concept, and Bad For Shidduchim (to a degree) for what soon became the dating heavy theme of many posts. I greatly enjoyed both of their blogs, but felt there was an unfulfilled niche in these arenas from the male perspective - particularly when it came to dating. I won't make any sort of egotistical statement claiming I had any measure of success compared to either of these two bloggers, especially Bad4 in the realm of shidduchim, but I like to think I have made some positive impact in both areas.

The blogging started out somewhat sporadic and unfocused, sometimes correlating to my dating experiences, though altered and timed in such a way that they were not akin to the bloggers who run home to post about every (un)successful date they take part in. I didn't want this blog to become a sort of journal of my daily/weekly trials and tribulations, but rather a reflection on moments and experiences that made an impact on me and my thoughts, which I hoped to translate into a readable presentation for others to benefit from. I also managed to write a few posts about hashkafic matters, but soon that gave way to a greater focus on shidduchim...

I always wanted (and still want) to generate discussion, rather than simply throwing up posts and ideas for the sake of spitting out everything that comes into my head. Some posts certainly succeeded in doing that, such as the post that began the rise of readership in which I wrote about the intelligence of a shidduch prospect.

I wrote a lot about different aspects of dating.

I also found this blog to be a fun form of expression for me to share my somewhat zany sense of humor, often intellectual but sometimes just for fun, in the form of short stories. The vast majority of my stories centered around dating, often with the intention of making a critical point about some aspect of the overall dating/shidduch process I feel is not quite right or needs correction. I am a sci-fi fan, and a theme found within science fiction is often taking things to extremes, beyond where they stand now, to demonstrate where we might be heading if we don't examine our deeds/society. For example: focusing too much on personal traits in an excessive fashion or demanding that a potential date match our list of requirements in every possible way to even qualify for consideration. I also explored a re-imagined Exodus story, mixing modern technology with the Biblical story in a dark/humorous narrative told from the Egyptians' perspective. I hope to finish that some day (sooner, rather than later).

In year 2 of this blog, the unthinkable happened and I got engaged, and no, it didn't happen like the story portrays. I frantically tried to compose as many blog posts as I could about dating from a single person's perspective before I forgot anything. I still have a number of incomplete pieces from that time which I may go back and finish, though I admit they will be different since they will be written from a retrospective viewpoint.

Then I got married and wrote all about the in-and-outs of what happened. However, I was now left with a major dilemma: What is a "shidduch" blogger supposed to do once he finds the right one, gets engaged and stands under the chuppah with her?

Write about the Maccabeats, of course ;)

Honestly, I loved these guys when they were just the wannabe nerdy A Capella group of my undergrad university. I enjoyed the novelty of finally having our own group of singers to be proud of - just like "real" colleges. Of course, the turning point that made this blog into an unofficial fan site/source for Maccabeats info was the infamous picture I made as a joke that labelled which Maccabeats were single, engaged and married. Suddenly, I had a multiple thousands of visitors popping in, largely in part to a link on the Jerusalem Post and everywhere else on the internet. I still continue(d) to follow their career, and am very, very proud of their accomplishments on behalf of Yeshiva University and Judaism as a whole. I also poked fun at them a bit on Purim, which seems to get a few random Google hits every now and then. I personally think it's a sharper article than the Taio Cruz lawsuit article.

Then my lovely wife ASoG and I became connectors/shadchanim for YU Connects, which led to an ongoing series talking about how to properly use the YU Connects system. It's been an interesting experience writing about shidduchim from the "other side," though I have to admit ASoG's been doing far more active shadchanus work than I have in recent times because of my heavy workload with grad school. However, I do field questions from friends and step in to make a phone call or two when a particular guy isn't being cooperative for some reason.

I've also attempted to pass on lessons I've learned over the course of my shana rishona. This feature will definitely continue into the future. As much as I can hope to inform readers about what lies ahead in the final stages of dating leading to engagement, my experiences as a husband are something that I hope to always learn from and translate into lessons worth sharing.

With regard to the future of this blog, though I was once concerned about maintaining a steady rate of updates or finding material to write about, I think I've begun to figure things out. Since I am not in the active dating scene any more, I hope I can continue to share my musings on matters pertaining to Torah learning and hashkafa in addition to posts about being married and acting as a shadchan. I also have a bunch of stories that are in-progress and waiting for me to give them the time for proper thought and composition. I definitely look forward to sharing those with everyone.

I'm also going to continue to indulge my love of Jewish Music, which encompasses far more than my interest in the Maccabeats. Be sure to come back every Friday to explore new or under-publicized Jewish musical artists and their albums.

In conclusion, I want to thank all the readers out there for visiting, reading, sharing this blog with your friends, posting links on Facebook, and leaving comments(!!!) that add to the atmosphere of meaningful discussion and dialogue I've tried to create throughout this humble venture.

Life moves very fast, whether we want it to or not, and things can change - bringing both good things and challenges - before we know it. The key is to be flexible, open minded enough to think about the goings-on around you, and have respect when interacting with others. I think I've learned a lot about these things over the course of my time writing on this blog, and I hope I've had some positive influence on others, in addition to making you guys laugh and think.

May we all continue to move forward in this journey together, and may I soon have the opportunity to write a blog post about the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, Bimheira Biyameinu - Amen.

Sarah, You've Got Some 'Splainin' To Do!

2011-11-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

The episode of Sarah's laughter at overhearing the prophecy that she and Avraham will have a child in one year's time has always been perplexing. I'm sure many of the readers have heard numerous shiurim or read divrei Torah on the incident. While reviewing the second aliyah of this week's parsha Vayera for Shnaim Mikra v'Echad Targum, I noticed a few more wrinkles that doen't make sense to me.

Here's the scene. HaShem is visiting Avraham, who is recovering from his recent circumcision. Avraham looks up, sees three men, leaves HaShem to go greet them and arrange for food to be prepared for his unexpected guests. They ask him where Sarah his wife is (I guess he told them her name already, or they knew beforehand because Avraham and Sarah were famous), and Avraham replies, "Behold! In the tent!"

The man talking to Avraham informs him that he's going to return again in a year and Sarah will have given birth to a son. The next posuk tells us that Sarah is eavesdropping in on the conversation at the entrance of the tent, which is located behind "him," which I guess means Avraham, who had been going in and out to bring the dishes of food. In a narrative verse, the Torah tells us that Avraham and Sarah were old, Sarah had entered menopause.

Sarah apparently thinks this well-wisher and his blessing are funny, and laughs at herself/within herself/at her insides (depending on the translation) and wonders aloud if it's possible that though she has withered, she'll once again have "smooth skin," or resume menstruating (both per Rashi) and thus be able to conceive and bear a son. She also mentions her husband/lord is old.

Out of nowhere, HaShem, Who had seemingly been "absent" from the ongoing discussion (is G-d ever not there?) joins the conversation and asks Avraham why Sarah laughed, and famously alters what she actually said, omitting her seemingly slightly offensive remark about her husband to "Is it even true that I shall give birth, though I have aged?" HaShem proclaims that nothing is beyond His abilities, and says now that He will return in a year and Sarah will have a son.

Parenthetically, did you notice the sudden change from what the visitor said to HaShem saying the same thing? I think it's at this point that we can infer that the men who happened to stop by are implied to be angels. Though some commentators claim they were normal men - and according to Rashi, perhaps Avraham still thought so too - by combining this interjection by HaShem, along with their foreboding gaze toward Sodom (18:16) and departure for Sodom (18:22) following HaShem's revelation of His plan to Avraham, it seems to be somewhat overtly indicated that they are more than what they appear to be.

Anyway, after HaShem tells Avraham of Sarah's laughter and alters her words for the sake of Shalom Bayis (as Rashi says in 18:13), Sarah appears in the main tent, no longer hiding and denies laughing, which the narrative posuk tells us was because she was afraid.

Finally, the Torah writes, "וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא, כִּי צָחָקְתְּ" - "and he said, 'No, but you laughed'" (18:15).

WHO said that? According to the Artscroll translation, the pronoun "he" from "and he said" is lowercase, implying Avraham (which makes more sense than the speaking male visitor).

Is it just me, or does this whole scene sound like an episode of, l'havdil, "I Love Lucy?" Sarah/Lucy gets caught red handed, so-to-speak as HaShem / l'havdil Fred tells Avraham/Ricky. Avraham/Ricky turns to his wife as she vehemently denies it, knowing that she really did it, despite her denial and affirms that she did, indeed laugh.

Cue the audience laugh-track.

Did Avraham hear Sarah laugh because her laughter was quite loud and unique? Or is he saying that, "Well, if G-d says you laughed, sweetheart, and you deny it, I'm going with G-d on this one"?

It all seems strange to read the flow of the conversation that way,.

The JPS translation has the English version of the posuk written with a capital "He," meaning HaShem addresses Sarah and replies that she did, in fact, laugh. This makes a little more sense to me, since HaShem certainly did "hear" her laugh (how could He not, being G-d and everything?) and had just informed Avraham of that occurrence.

Now back in our crazy sitcom version, HaShem / l'havdil Fred turns to the embarrassed Sarah/Lucy and wags a finger at her saying, "Oh, yes you did!" Again, cue the laugh-track as Sarah/Lucy makes that famous grimace we all know and love.

It all seems a little strange. Even without the Nick-at-Nite references, HaShem "appears" out of nowhere, Sarah gets admonished, and we cut back to Avraham with his guests. Did Sarah just slink away, happy that she will have a baby but a bit embarrassed at the scene that just transpired?

Another thought, somewhat related thought.

At the end of last week's parsha of Lech Lecha, when HaShem first tells Avraham that he will have a child with Sarah, Avraham himself falls on his face laughing. He says "Will a hundred year old have a child? And Sarah, who is ninety, give birth?"

Avraham's response seems very similar to Sarah's. Each wonders with incredulity that he/she could possibly sire/give birth to a child because of their advanced age, and then remarks that his/her wife/husband is elderly. Granted, the terminology is not exactly the same. Avraham just uses their ages, while Sarah mentions her menopausal state and that Avraham is old. But is that really so much more offensive? Especially given HaShem's critique of Sarah, when He proclaims that nothing is beyond His abilities.

The Artscroll Stone Chumash quotes the Kotzker Rebbe who says that though Sarah truly believed her laughter was in good spirit, there was some real subconscious doubt deep within her mind. There's also the vort I heard Rav Goldvicht quote from the a Sefas Emes that viewed Sarah's denial in a better light. However, I can't recall anyone ever saying that Avraham's response was negative in any way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to besmirch the reputation of our holy forefather, I just don't quite understand the inherent difference regarding the level of laughing disbelief expressed by Avraham and Sarah.

Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions on these parsha musings?

P.S. As many readers know, I am quite fond of Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and his writings. His "Covenant and Conversation" from last week on Lech Lecha is simply fantastic. His essay the week before that on Noach also discussed a fascinating interpretation of the Tower of Bavel and the languages getting mixed up that I had never heard before.

Jewish Music Fridays: Except Saturday

2011-11-04T11:00:00.001-04:00

Welcome back to Jewish Music Fridays! Kick back, relax, and enjoy the music.

This week, we're featuring a Jewish rock group from Brooklyn called Except Saturday. I first discovered these guys my first year at YU, when they won the Battle of the Bands and went on to open the annual Chanukah Concert. They had a really great sound, and a tremendously powerful vocalist, Erez Cohen, whose range and energy was very much unlike any I'd seen/heard in other Jewish bands. I really enjoyed their Shabbos-focused songs, and was particularly enthralled with "Lecha Dodi," "Mizmor Shir," and "Show Me the Way."

I had hoped for them to release an album, and they had some personal recordings of a few of their songs available on Myspace. However, their professional recording debut didn't materialize. Erez became ill with a debilitating physical ailment that knocked him out for some time, forcing the band to a halt while he could recover. Read the full story on that saga here.

To my delight, the band reappeared somewhat suddenly last year on Facebook, with news that their album was finally coming together. When I actually purchased it off of Amazon, listening to the tracks felt like an old friend reappearing after a long absence. The songs I was familiar with from their live performances were all there, and sounded much better and more developed, and the songs I had not yet had the pleasure of hearing, such as "Yedid Nefesh" as well as the title track from their much anticipated album "To New Beginnings" were great, too.

Incidentally, "To New Beginnings" includes the words "Shades of Grey," though I doubt it's even an indirect reference to this humble blog ;) You can also download this track from their website.

Check out a few of their songs below, and be sure to buy their album!

"Lecha Dodi"

"Yedid Nefesh"

"To New Beginnings"

"Everyone's Alone"

"Mizmor Shir" live (not the best quality, I know, but I had to post it since it's one of my favorite songs of theirs).

I hope this "New Beginning" is the start of a long, and fruitful career!

Shidduchim? There's An App For That!

2011-11-03T17:41:00.003-04:00

Imagine if all it took to get a date would be opening an app on your phone, checking to see which guys/girls were available in the nearby vicinity, a few quick texts/first phone call, and you're off!

Apparently, this is a new thing that's catching on in the secular world. Check out this NY Times article called "With an App, Your Next Date Could Be Just Around the Corner."

Sounds interesting, right?

Of course, there are some potential issues which the article, and the makers of these apps, try to address, such as personal safety when you're meeting up with someone you've had next-to-no contact with. Users of the app seem to think highly of it, though they have some difficulty attempting to move past a mental/societal stigma that this sort of thing is geared toward hook-ups and one night stands.

They say the services allow them to skip the more elaborate mating rituals of standard online dating, which seems to move glacially in an era of text messaging and social networking.

“It can take a month to actually meet up with someone that you’re messaging online,” Ms. Wang said. Mobile services allow for a “quicker jump from virtual meetings to actually meeting.”

In my time as a shadchan, and as a dater, I know that it can take a long time to "officially" set up a date, and there is indeed a rush, because people frankly have limited time to devote to dating, especially in the fast-paced existence that we live in.

So is this sort of thing the way of the future for Jewish Orthodox dating, perhaps in more Modern/YU circles?

I tend to think we won't adopt this technology in the immediate future, particularly with our culture's obsession with resumes, fact finding, and research. Granted, everyone should try to find out something about the person who has been suggested to them, because no one wants to end up going out with a psycho who either wastes their time or puts them in danger of some sort.

However, I can see this catching on eventually, especially if it becomes more standard in secular society. We adapted the online dating model with J-Date and Future Simchas, then customized it further to be in-line with our shidduch values system with Saw You at Sinai and YU Connects - so if near-instant app dating becomes an accepted norm, I think it could happen.

Sure, you may say: "You're certifiably crazy Shades of Grey! Who in their right mind would try this or even find someone they would want to date or marry using an app that locates the nearest available singles of the opposite gender?"

I'll answer that question/exclamation with a story of my friend, who randomly met his wife while going on Yeshiva University's Torah Tours for Simchas Torah a few years ago, back when non-YU/Stern students could participate. In order to save time/gas, the CJF people running Torah Tours asked all the volunteers to coordinate rides with one another so that they could meet up and get to their communities together. My friend, along with another mutual friend, were told to pick up a girl who was assigned to their group and give her a ride to their destination. Of course, they gladly obliged - and she in fact lived one block over from his parents apartment.

I'm sure you can see where this is going. Over the course of Yom Tov they hit it off, began dating, and are now happily married with a young daughter. Too good to be true? They grew up within one block of one another and never encountered each other before! To make things spookier, upon showing his wife some old videos of us all hanging out together in Israel while we were in yeshiva, his not-yet-wife walked through the frame of one shot. Yes, they were in the exact same place, within 10-15 feet of one another and never even exchanged glances. Now they're married.

Yes, yes, you can tell me this is one more example of those crazy hashgacha pratis stories we all know and love (or hate), but hey, it happened! Imagine if we could input our own hishtadlus by making those nearby, but currently unnoticed connections sooner? Ultimately, how it works out will be in the hands of HaShem anyway, but why not "help" in anyway we can, k'v'yachol? Chazal tell us that even HaShem finds making shidduchim as hard as it was to split the Reed Sea when our ancestors left Mitzrayim, so why shouldn't we find every means of putting in our own effort?

For those who are scared of the idea of going on a date without sufficient research being conducted beforehand, I have a few ideas.

1) The dates necessarily won't be as instantaneous , but let's give a short window of opportunity, say an 1-2 hours, for the interested person, should he/she desire, to make a phone call or two.

2) If the system catches on, and we can create a network of references who "approve" the person, all you would have to do is check the list of registered references and see if there was anyone you know. The dater would have had to contact the person, invite them, we'll say, when they set up their mini-profile, and that individual has to reply and potentially be available for contact. Instead of having a few references, you could end up having a very long list - each categorized differently based on their personal connection to the dater - and odds are, you'll know someone on it, given how Jewish Geography works, especially if both of the daters live in close proximity.

3) For anyone who still wants a shadchan available - and ASoG and I have seen fewer people actually use us at all as intermediaries - those people could also be attached to the profile, "on call" as it were, for post-date follow ups and anything else that may need to be communicated, even a 1 and done reply.

I'll admit, the idea isn't perfect and would certainly require further thought and planning before YU Connects makes an app of their own like this. But with the increasingly fast-paced, time-crunched daily schedules we all deal with, perhaps this could be a new tool to be used in the never-ending quest to match up all the singles out there.

Yesh Mussar Bagoyim

2011-11-02T00:00:00.000-04:00

Chazal tell us that there is chochma, but not Torah amongst the nations of the world. I would like to include that they also have mussar as well.

During class recently, I accidentally interrupted another student during their presentation, a time we weren't supposed to be asking questions or making interjections of any sort. I guess my brain was on auto-pilot as I tried listening to what she said while simultaneously taking notes. To put it mildly, I was immediately mortified when she turned to me with a confused expression and the rest of the class also looked in my direction in silence. I quietly apologized and wished I could crawl into a hole in the wall and disappear.

During the break, I profusely apologized to her, explaining what I just wrote and admitted how rude my behavior was, even if it was entirely unintentional.

Later in class, during a group discussion, I also spoke too soon while another student was commenting on a diagram. The same student I had interrupted earlier turned to me and said rather bluntly, "You know, you have a tendency to interrupt people. It's really not nice."

This time, however, I simply said "You're right, thank you." After her remark, I made sure that I was very aware of who was speaking and made sure not to say anything when another person was talking. I honestly hadn't realized that my fast-talking, and often interrupting manner of speech was a big problem in my current academic setting. I guess I've become too used to the format of a quick give-and-take in casual conversation among my friends at YU or in learning. Regardless of the scenario, not being mindful of my tongue and when I should express myself does not behoove me whatsoever.

After we concluded for the day, I went over to the girl who mussared me out and apologized again while also thanking her for the rebuke. I told her about the concept of "mussar," which I couldn't really think of a good translation for, and explained that I appreciated her remonstrance for my interruptions. She smiled and said she can relate since she has a tendency to do that when she's talking with her family at home. Thankfully, we smoothed things over.

Since then, I've learned to be more conscious of when/how I say things, particularly in settings where people from non-Jewish backgrounds may not be familiar with the rapid conversation/exchanges that I have grown accustomed to. I certain never expected to receive mussar from a gentile classmate, but I am glad the opportunity presented itself, not only for my own self-correction, but also to allow me to learn from everyone around me in my daily life.

Commemorating Your "Own" Yartzeit

2011-10-31T09:08:00.003-04:00

The experience of looking up on a memorial plaque during davening and noticing your own name, exactly matched in both Hebrew and English, with a little light bulb lit up next to it, along with and engraved date of death can be a little unsettling.

I knew my namesake's yartzeit was coming up soon, but the exact date slipped my mind amid all the busy running around from Yom Tov and delving back into work at grad school. I was genuinely surprised when I noticed the small light bulb glowing this morning after I finished Shemonah Esrei.

It's hard to describe the exact feeling that coursed through me, but chilling may have to do. Though I've heard many stories and learned various bits of information about the concept of gilgulim, or 'reincarnated' souls (for lack of a better term), I'm not 100% sure what I understand or believe. The notion of naming a child for a deceased relative, as is the Ashkenazi practice, seems to incorporate some aspect of gilgul, in addition to the more mundane belief of serving as a merit for the family member who has passed on and a living reminder of their legacy.

My great uncle - my paternal grandfather's older brother - though not a particularly religiously observant man, was a pediatrician, fought in World War II, and was one of the first white doctors in my hometown to treat minorities, often at reduced cost or for free. He was well known in the general community, in addition to the Jewish community, and I have often been "recognized" waiting in line at the pharmacy by an elderly person looked at me with a confused expression and informed me happily that my namesake was their pediatrician back in the day.

I was once at a local hospital signing in for a blood test when the nurse filling in my data suddenly stopped. She reread the information on the screen, turned to me, and asked if I was 90-something years old. I realized that the hospital had never properly declared my great-uncle dead, and quickly explained to her that I was indeed the 20-odd years I looked.

After noticing the lit bulb, I quickly walked over to a family friend, who is of my father's generation, and asked him if he would say kaddish for my great-uncle, who was this man's own pediatrician in his childhood. I figured it would be more meaningful than asking the fellow sitting next to me, who could say kaddish since his parents have passed away, merely out of convenience. The family friend graciously agreed.

I stood nearby whenever he recited the kaddish, and sensed some strange aura of fulfillment answering him. I have no idea, even if the concept of gilgul is readily applicable in our day and age, if there was some aspect of my neshama responding to the kaddish being said for my namesake. It certainly felt something akin to what I just described, but who can know for sure?

I can only hope that my own actions, including my study of Torah and observance of mitzvos, which exceed the level of religious practice of my great-uncle, can serve as an aliyah for his neshama in the Olam HaEmes.

Jewish Music Fridays: The Groggers

2011-10-28T12:55:00.005-04:00

Hello and welcome to what will hopefully be a regular feature here on Shades of Grey. Based on my checking hit-counter statistics, Fridays don't seem to be a very big day for serious blog post reading, which has led other bloggers to also pursue some form of lighter reading on this final workday of the week. In addition, everyone can use a little musical pick-me-up to get ready to leave the stress of the week behind and get ready for Shabbos.

My solution will be to post short snippets about Jewish music artists out there that I enjoy and feel need a bit more exposure to the public, hence really big name Yeshivish singers/groups and Maccabeats need not apply.

To start off, we've got The Groggers. Here's their bio from their website:

“The Groggers are a unique Jewish pop-punk band with a comic twist. Based out of New York, the band formed in early 2010 and took the internet by storm with their controversial music video, “GET.” The song, which brashly dealt with the delicate issue of a Jewish husband withholding a ritual divorce from his separated wfe, sparked much controversy surrounding the video and the band. The uproar caug…ht the attention of several prominent bloggers and websites, including those dedicated to the resolution of such sensitive domestic complications. After surviving their tumultuous internet debut more determined than ever, The Groggers began work on their frst full-length album and unveiled their second video “Eishes Chayil” in November of 2010. The new video featured Jewish music legend Rav Shmuel and was well received by critics and fans alike. In August 2011 they released their debut album “There’s no ‘I’ in Cherem” which harnessed a powerful blend between unrelenting pop-rock melodies and cleverly entertaining lyrics. With their highly eccentric, yet accessible, messages and authentic musical chops, The Groggers are able to captivate both Jewish and Non-Jewish audiences alike."

I must say, "GET" was particularly interesting, and definitely on the controversial side. These guys are very talented, produce great-sounding music and write some pretty creative lyrics. Their videos are also top-notch and are released with a refreshing regularity, almost akin to secular musical artists. The lead singer L.E. Staiman started out as part of Aryeh Kunstler's performing band, though I'm not sure if he is still with Aryeh and co or not. The last song/bonus track on Aryeh's first album "The Chevrusa Break Up Song" (preview it here, it's #12) features Staiman's characteristic creative lyrics and sense of humor. I tend to think it's the precursor that began the evolution of The Groggers.

Anyway, I'll stop talking and let the readers check out their music (and videos) for themselves. I particularly like "The Shidduch Hits the Fan" the recently released "prequel" of sorts to "Upper West Side Story." The introductory story/lyrics/Jewish culture reference are quite funny

"Get"

"Eishes Chayil"

"The Shidduch Hits the Fan"

"Upper West Side Story"

I don't have their album yet, but I will definitely by watching The Groggers' musical career with interest.

UPDATE 12/16/11:

L. E. Staiman, the lead singer and creative genius behind The Groggers has put together two hilarious songs inspired by recent events in the Jewish world.

First, based on the recent Anonymous Stern girl controversy from The Beacon, we have an acoustic song titled "Anonymous Girl":

And here is a song composed by Matisyahu's shaven beard called "View From the Sink."

Rav Schachter Is A True Gadol

2011-10-26T09:43:00.004-04:00

One of the many reasons I'm proud to have gone to Yeshiva University is the caliber of the rabbeim in the Yeshiva. Although I remained in the same shiur with the same rebbi for the entire duration of my academic career there, I was fortunate to be exposed to and learned from a great number of the 0ther Roshei Yeshiva in MYP and rabbeim in the other morning programs - including BMP, IBC and Mechina, believe it or not.

Unlike a number of students I knew, I really liked staying in YU for Shabbos often. Aside from fact that as an out of towner who hated schlepping around the tri-state area I was more likely to stay on-campus, I enjoyed the meals in the caf, the lively davening at the Carlebach Minyan, Shenk Shul's communal feel along with Rabbi Orlian's inspiring drashos, and the general camaraderie among my friends that I didn't get a chance to participate in during the week as much as I would have liked.

Shabbos on campus also provided me with the opportunity to hear divrei Torah from rabbeim that I would not normally have learned directly from during my morning shiur. Rav Schachter is one of the best examples of this. I LOVED his post-kiddush parsha shiurim, along with his Pirkei Avos shiurim, pre-Yom Tov halacha shiurim, and his oneg musings. Aside from his absolute gadlus in Torah knowledge, he is very down-to-earth and realistic in how he approaches the modern world we live in - case in point, the very sharp comment he made about who needs to be machmir nowadays.

While I don't have much to comment directly with regard to the apparent corruption of the beis din system as it exists now, Rav Schachter's interview in Ami Magazine - republished here on Vosizneis - I will say this interview is refreshing and eye opening. Refreshing that Ami, a rather chareidi publication would A) Interview Rav Schachter and B) Print exactly what he had to say without censoring/distorting it and eye-opening as Rav Schachter always is whenever he opens his mouth to share his vast wisdom with us.

The article and it's reposting are kind of old, but I don't think it has gotten enough exposure, which is why I am talking about it here. With so many "gedolim" from the more right wing elements of our society spouting things vitriolic and divisive, or clearly negatively agenda-driven, brain-washed/hoodwinked by devious and malevolent askanim, or oblivious to the reality of the society around us - it is wonderful to see a gadol, a TRUE American gadol, demonstrating what it means to earn such a title for being recognized as the Torah authority he truly is.

I am encouraged by some of the positive yeshivish/chareidi responses on the article (ignoring the few typical anti Modern Orthodox hateful remarks). Perhaps if we, the Modern Orthodox world can rid ourselves of the influence of the vitriolic left and demonstrate our realistic, true belief in rabbinical figures such as Rav Schachter, we can create a unifying force for all of Torah Observant Judaism.

Thank G-d For Glasses

2011-10-24T17:18:00.005-04:00

I'm near sighted. I first got glasses in middle school because I had trouble seeing the dry-erase board, even from the front row of desks, which obviously hampered my ability to perform in the classroom. I'm not entirely sure if the cause is genetic, or perhaps due to my use of a night-light in my room for many years, or perhaps straining my eyesight in the summers as I walked along the beach looking for shells, fossils and sharks' teeth in my youth.

Initially, I only needed them for distance, and was told to not wear them outside of the classroom, in case my eyes became dependent on them for seeing in general. Stupid kid that I was, the summer after my 9th grade year I wore my glasses all the time, and found out later that year that I done exactly that. Thus, my driver's license requires me to have glasses or contacts to correct my vision before I get behind the wheel of a car.

Though I was self-conscious about my glasses at first - I feared being called four-eyes and other nasty nicknames that were so prevalent in middle school teasing - I grew to like them. They even made me feel as though I were more intelligent, though I doubt there is any real connection there other than stereotypes of nerds and professors always wearing glasses.

As I grew more religious, I made sure to have a second pair of nicer glasses that I wore l'kavod Shabbos and Yom Tov, since my everyday pair often became scuffed and worn. When I became yet older, I made sure to have that nicer pair of glasses also available for going on dates and attending weddings.

Parenthetically, I remember the time I was on a date and discovered I needed a new prescription, since I could no longer read street signs in New York until I was literally right next to them. Not such a great thing when you're not a local and already have issues with finding your way around town.

Yesterday and this morning, I learned a tremendous lesson that will forever impact my appreciation for the existence of glasses to correct my less-than-perfect vision.

I recently went to my ophthalmologist for my annual checkup and was given a new prescription, which of course meant I needed new glasses. Ever since ASoG and I moved into our new apartment, I had been breaking my own personal rule and relying solely on my weekday glasses when my nicer Shabbos/Yom Tov/Wedding/Former Dating pair went missing sometime during packing, never to resurface. As such, when I went to Lenscrafter's to get my new prescription yesterday with ASoG, I bought a new, nice pair to replace the ones that are MIA as well as update the lenses of my weekday pair.

The new pair, which is half-rim, won't be ready for another week. My weekday pair, which has a full rim, wouldn't be ready with the new lenses until this morning. I figured, "I can rely on my trusty contact lenses to get me through the afternoon/night/morning at school!"

Boy was I wrong.

Although I have contacts, I don't wear them regularly. I initially got them to be in a school play during high school wherein I didn't want my spectacles to ruin the look of my medieval character. After that, I wore them every now and then, mostly for special occasions like weddings, a date or two, or while dressed in a Purim costume that either didn't call for glasses or wouldn't fit the glasses inside the mask. I've always had a bit of a hard time getting the contacts in and out, though the process is a bit smoother when I wear them more frequently. As of yesterday, I hadn't worn the contacts for any significant period of time, and after 15 minutes of struggling with my overly blinky eyelids, I finally got them in.

They hurt! The left one felt like it was inside out (it wasn't) then resolved to burning, while the right was merely achy and tired. I wore them for a few hours while attempting to study for grad school, but kept tearing up and failing to blink/rub out the irritation. Of course, I took them out and began to feel a lot better.

However, this left me without anything to focus my eyesight properly. Admittedly, my eyesight isn't anywhere near blind (thank G-d), but the world beyond 15 inches in front of me was blurry and blurrier. I had a very hard time trying to read my textbooks and take notes, let alone compose a presentation for my class. I felt like an old man with failing eyesight, bent over my books, pain in my neck and back. I almost gave up studying altogether, but managed to finish my presentation preparation with some much needed encouraging from ASoG, though I didn't take a practice test I had planned on completing.

I have a bad habit of hanging onto to old things I probably won't ever use again, so it just so happened that I managed to locate a pair of old glasses from at least 2 prescriptions ago buried on my desk. After much frustration with my inability to study, I dug them up, thinking I could at least see somewhat better than with no glasses at all. Of course, I was wrong, and foolish to ignore the advice of my ophthalmologists of the past who warned me not to wear an incorrect prescription, which could do more harm than good. After that brief painful attempt, I closed my books for the night.

Going to shul for Mincha/Ma'ariv and Shacharis went off without a hitch, though I had to hold my Mishna Berura very close to do my daily daf. Surprisingly, no one seemed to notice my lack of glasses.

As I previously mentioned, without my glasses, I was also unable to drive. ASoG had to take me to grad school this morning, which also made me a lack of empowerment, being unable to drive my own car. Once I got into the classroom, I explained to my classmates about my situation, and preemptively asked their forgiveness as well as the professor's for what was probably going to be a sub-par presentation, since I'd need to remain close to the board to see my diagrams and hold my notes close to my face instead of glancing at either from a more professional distance. In the end, I did well enough to get a 4/5, though one classmate critiqued my habit of talking into my notes instead of to them.

As class progressed, I was forced to get up from my seat and stand near the dry-erase board as another classmate wrote out a few equations so that I could properly pay attention and take notes. I felt so helpless and frustrated that I couldn't see the writing on the board 7 feet away from my desk other than the colored blur of the markers being used.

Thankfully, my weekday glasses were ready in time for ASoG to get them and pick me up as soon as class was over. I can't describe the wonder and joy I experienced and felt when the world became clear once again as I slid my updated glasses over my ears. I had almost gotten used to being visually impaired, and was at first a bit shocked at the clarity and precision that welcomed me in my surroundings. I could clearly see ASoG's face as she sat in the driver's seat, street signs, leaves on trees, and various other things I seemed to take for granted before this experience.

I don't think most of us who wear glasses/contacts really appreciate the bracha that we have. If we had lived in an era before they were invented, we'd be behind in our education, unable to function fully in society (this is to the exclusion of Braille and provisions made nowadays for those who are permanently visually impaired or blind). I really felt helpless to an extreme as I kept losing things around our apartment, such as my watch or phone, or even failed to empty the leftover contents of my dinner plate properly into our trashcan - which brought about an annoyed, though understanding protest from ASoG.

I know I'll never view my glasses in the same way again (pun intended). I also wonder how many other things in my life, certainly major things, but especially little things, that I simply accept as always being there, never truly appreciating their value - be they people or objects. It's kind of funny in a way how such a seemingly simple mishap could become such a eye opening experience (zing!). I could have probably held onto my glasses until the new ones arrived before updating them, which would have avoided all these issues and made me feel less foolish for not doing that, but then I wouldn't have gained from going through almost 24 hours without the ability to see clearly and comfortably.

HaShem certainly works in mysterious ways that are beyond our comprehension, and I am very thankful for both presently having my glasses to help my vision and the lessons I learned from their brief absence.

The King Awaits

2011-10-06T20:41:00.003-04:00

Life's been a bit hectic since Rosh Hashana and I haven't had much time to blog, despite having received numerous ideas and bits of inspiration over the course of Yom Tov and Shabbos. I had to share an interesting notion that occurred to me as I examined the tefillos from Rosh Hashana (and afterward) related to HaShem's role as our King.

Many times in the past, different rabbeim/shiurim/divrei Torah have described the interrelated dual roles that HaShem has in relation to the Jewish People, which can be summed up as Avinu Malkeinu - Our Father, Our King.

HaShem's fatherly role is described as merciful, compassionate, forgiving, the aspect of Him in which we will find Rachamim and forgiveness for our mistakes and misdeeds.

His Kingly aspect is described as one of judgement - din, which is more strict, unyielding, the attribute by which we are held to a high standard and held accountable for our actions. He is the True King, the Holy King, The King of Judgement, among others appellations.

We even discuss the idea of HaShem moving from His throne of Din (Malkeinu) to the throne of Rachamim (Avinu) when we merit a nation-wide atonement on Yom Kippur. He is, as we say in the 2nd bracha before Shema in the morning, "Av Harachamim" - "the merciful Father" and we don't just stop there, but add "Who acts mercifully," emphasizing the aspect of mercy with HaShem our Father. (The title Av Harachamim is found elsewhere in other tefillos, too).

However, as I began to review the Rosh Hashana Davening, the insertions added during the 10 Days of Repentance, and the regular Shabbos/weekday davening, I began to notice that this strict dichotomy wasn't always true. Especially with regard to HaShem's Kingship, which is actually described in terms very different from a strict sense of retributive justice.

In the first insertion during Magen Avraham we describe HaShem as "the King who desires life." Requesting that the King write us in the book of life isn't counterintuitive - the King judges, and we can either merit to be in the book of life or the bo0k of death (chas v'shalom, lo aleinu). Yet, the King desires life!

In the second bracha of Shemonah Esrei, we describe HaShem as the King who causes death - which is a fact, since death originates as a decree from Him. Yet, He is also the King Who "restores life and makes salvation sprout," which seems (to me) to be of greater emphasis, and again an indication of our King's merciful tendencies.

In Ya'aleh V'yavo, we conclude be describing HaShem as "the gracious and compassionate King" - going so far to describe the Melech as "Rachum" - which we typically associate with our Father. There is clearly some underlying currents here that indicate a greater unity among HaShem's Fatherly and Kingly attributes. A similar wording is found in the bracha Haskiveinu after Shema at Ma'ariv and in one of the Tashlich prayers.

In the paragraph from the Yom Tov Mussaf, "Mipnei Chata'einiu," we again refer to HaShem as "Melech Rachaman" - the Merciful King.

In Selach Lanu we ask our Father to forgive our errors, and our King to pardon our willful sins.

We find in Refa'einu that our King is "the faithful and compassionate Healer."

Lastly, we find in Shalom Rav that HaShem is the King, "Master of all peace." Not the King who judges and creates strife with harsh sentences, but One who creates peace for all of Israel.

I'm sure there are others I've missed. This is not meant to be a comprehensive list, but rather me shining a spotlight on an idea I had not heard of until I stumbled upon it myself.

If anyone has any more references or knows Talmudic/rabbinical sources that further discuss this fascinating notion (or at least fascinating to me) please share it in the comments.

So as we approach Yom Kippur and ask forgiveness of our Father, Our King, let us all have in mind the mercy and compassion that is utterly characteristic of HaShem, and pray that we all receive proper atonement (through proper teshuva) and merit being seal in the Book of Good Life.

To anyone I may have offended this past year with anything I wrote, I am sorry. I am especially sorry for my sometimes harsh responses/temper, in particular The Professor and Burnt Dreadlocks, for which I humbly apologize for my lack of emotional control in responding to their comments.

I hope that 5772 can be a year free of divisiveness and ill-feelings. Let us all use blogs and everything else we do in our lives, to sow harmony and unity amongst Klal Yisrael. May this year be the year - Tihiye Shana Ad Bichlal - the year that features the inclusion of the conclusion of the galus (no more galus!) and the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, Bimheira Biyameinu.

Amein, Kein Yehi Ratzon!

Teshuva Season 5771 Thoughts

2011-09-27T00:00:00.000-04:00

Every year since the inception of this blog, I have endeavored to relate some of my thoughts during the teshuva season (check them out here: 5770, 5769) hoping to gather together my mental ponderings in some coherent fashion from which I can draw inspiration and share with others as well.

While previous years have been somewhat similar, though nuanced in their own ways, this year in particular is very different. This is the first time I've approached Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur as a married man. No longer am I the single guy in yeshiva/college struggling on my own to maintain and improve my spirituality. I am no longer alone, and am not the only person that my actions affect. I can no longer do what what I want without thinking of repercussions that extend beyond my own personal space. Almost akin to being pregnant, everything I did and do has some effect on my wife, ASoG, whether I want it to or not, regardless of what my intentions were.

I was trying find some way to express this eloquently, and it turns out I was lucky enough to discover something Rav Avigdor Nebenzahl wrote in his "Thoughts for the Month of Elul" that very concisely captures the sentiments I wanted to convey in writing:

I once heard from my illustrious teacher and Rav, Hagaon Chaim Shmuelevitz, zt"l, that the subject of interpersonal relationships may be compared to fire. One who hurts his friend is like a person who thrusts his hand into fire. His intentions are irrelevant; he is burnt whether he wanted to extinguish the fire or intensify it. (180)

With all due respect to Rav Nebenzahl, I understood what Rav Shmuelevitz wrote in a fashion differently than he goes on to elaborate.

When we are single, though we are obligated in mitzvos, both interpersonal and between ourselves and G-d, ultimately the nexus of our world is limited to who we are and how things affect us. True, we have friends and parents, teachers and rabbeim, but when we are going through the al chait's on Yom Kippur, we are ultimately thinking about all the sinful things we did for and to ourselves. My choice to transgress a particular aveira drags me down in my development and avodas HaShem. I made a mistake, I stumbled, and now I must pick myself up, brush off my dirtied clothing, and do my best to continue onward in a way that will make me a better, more observant and spiritually in-tuned person.

However, once you stand under the chupah, your actions and their consequences are no longer intrinsically limited to what they do to you and how they alter your mind and soul. Everything you do, by yourself, or especially in interactions with your spouse, have a profound affect on him/her and your relationship.

If I, as a single guy, decide to sleep late and miss davening Shacharis with a minyan, my guilt is limited to my poor choice and the improper start to my morning. If I skip Shacharis as a married man, I have not only taken away merit from my spouse, disappointed her expectations of a religiously observant husband, and by lowering myself because of my selfish decision to indulge my physical being with a few more minutes of shut-eye - I've downgraded our overall spirituality as well.

Further, as Rav Shmuelevitz said via Rav Nebenzahl - my intentions for my actions don't really matter as much as they used to. I can be the judge of my own actions when I am not directly affecting anyone else, I know I did my best, I wanted to do good, and I can feel content that I may have tried my best or given a decent effort, or excused my performance in a particular area of life. But when I am interacting with the one other person who now shares my entire existence, these sort of lame self-excuses don't cut it.

I may have said or done something in the usual way that I always did in the past, which never seemed offensive or harmful to me, or that my friends never took offense from - but my spouse may very well have perceived things quite differently. That one comment that you think is jokey might actually be a great insult in her eyes. The way I conducted myself in a particular area may have seemed quite normal and appropriate to me, but she saw it as rude and insensitive. I can offend and hurt without any intention to do so whatsoever, and it does me no good to try and explain things afterwards, rationalizing that what I did was not meant to hurt, because that does very little to remove the pain I've caused by my lack of understanding.

What needs to be done in a marriage, and more broadly in every relationship, is to do our very best to be aware at all times of how things we do and say are perceived. Perception truly is everything, and as justified as a particular action might be in my own eyes, if my wife thinks it was a horrible thing to do, and that it seemed like I was expressing something negative and harmful to her - I am at fault for my lack of vision and consideration. Even little things, which we can consider generally unimportant, can have impact beyond our understanding.

I do not mean to say that we all have to be absolutely perfect at every single moment, since such a thing is impossible. Certainly, one's spouse should also do his/her best to have patience and consider what might have been the intent behind an action or statement that seemed offensive and damaging. We all make mistakes, and we all must be dan lekaf zechus in the best way that we can - especially with our wives and husbands. Nevertheless, because of the sensitive nature of this relationship, which is closer and more intense than any other, both from a spiritual and physical standpoint, we must be on our toes and on our best behavior at every moment that we can be.

Yes, we are sometimes exhausted by our day, or can legitimately be upset with our spouse, and in those moments we require some reciprocal consideration from him/her, but we should also be cognizant of what we are doing and how we are being perceived. Being able to recognize what is happening and how our tone, demeanor or actions are seen, and putting forth the conscious effort to be able to say, "Hi honey. I know it looks like I'm upset and frustrated - it's because I am. I just want you to know that while I am dealing with these emotions that I say or do something that seems intentional out to get you, please recognize that it's merely me working through my feelings and I never want to hurt you in any way."

Again, this doesn't excuse every thing we might do intentionally or unintentionally that hurts our spouse, but it certainly sets the stage for him/her to give us some space and to be considerate that what we do and say was not really meant as an attack.

Marriage is a huge undertaking and a tremendous life-changing process. No one is truly ready to be married from the chupah and everyone makes mistakes. ASoG and I have had our share of disagreements and conflicts, but we have exerted a great amount of effort to understand one another, discuss where each of us may have gone wrong, and how we can learn from these moments to make ourselves better and more dedicated to serving the other as our #1 priority in life.

I don't think I've ever approached a Yom Kippur with as much trepidation as I will this year. Any transgressions I've committed against ASoG are not only bein adam l'chaveiro, but also (as reflected in the Kesuba and numerous quotes from Chazal) bein adam l'Makom. I may have many things to answer for from my own shortcomings and short-sightedness, but I have also grown and benefited from this ongoing and developing relationship.

My love for ASoG has transcended anything I ever considered to be love before we got married. Things are now far more real, meaningful and significant than the naive, giddiness of dating and being engaged. Life can be hard sometimes, but the essential thing is to focus on supporting and being supported by your spouse. We've had some rough spots here and there, which every married couple does, but we've persevered, grown stronger and more connected because of our struggles.

May we all focus on achieving a greater sensitivity toward our spouses and everyone else in our lives this year. May everyone who is already married be able to achieve true Shalom Bayis through hard and successful work together. May everyone who is not yet zoche to experience these rewarding challenges soon find their zivug and start their own journeys through life together. And may we all achieve levels of personal Shalom Bayis that will bring the ultimate Shalom Bayis for all of klal Yisrael, with the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, bimheira biyameinu.

A Plan For The New Year That Works

2011-09-25T12:52:00.004-04:00

I wrote this for my shul's Shabbos/Yom Tov Divrei Torah booklet and figured it was worth sharing with the readers. Please feel free to use it at your table this week during Yom Tov.

We find ourselves at the beginning of the Days of Awe, The Ten Days of Repentance, and the start of a new year, Rosh Hashana. It is a time of reflection, of meditation on events and actions from the last twelve months. We all remember going through the same process last year, and we experienced similar struggles, perhaps even the same ones that have troubled our spirituality in years past. Often, we think of grandiose strategies that become more than we can realistically handle, and as a result we find ourselves disappointed that we have not succeeded in improving our character traits, our actions, and our interactions with others. Here we are again, crowning HaShem as our King and looking toward a new year and new possibilities for change and improvement. We must now think: What can we do to make things better for ourselves and those around us in a fashion that will bring us success and growth instead of stagnation and frustration?
As Jews, we turn to the truest and best resource available to us, the Torah itself. The Torah teaches us a very important lesson in Parshas Nitzavim, which we read last Shabbos, that we can use and incorporate into our own lives to provide us with the means to ascend in spirituality and observance. On the last day of his life, amidst many other significant words of rebuke and encouragement, Moshe tells the Jewish People,

For this mitzvah which I command you this day, it is not hidden from you, nor is it far off. It is not in heaven that you should say, ‘Who shall go up for us to heaven, and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who shall go over the sea for us, and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it.’ For the matter is very near to you, in your mouth and in your heart to do it. (Devarim 30:11-14).

The Babylonian Talmud (Eruvin 55a) tells us that this passage refers to Torah study itself, informing us that the opportunity to learn Torah is not beyond us, but readily accessible – near and dear – to our hearts. Ramban, in his commentary on these verses, writes that the Torah is actually telling us that teshuva – repentance – is always close at hand, and we can always return from our erroneous ways to better serve HaShem.

I’d like to offer a different interpretation, thereby adding another level of meaning and significance to these famous words imparted by Moshe as explained by the Talmud and Ramban.

The literal reading of the verse refers to an unnamed mitzvah, which Moshe tells us is not too esoteric, distant, or spiritually lofty that we should feel as though we cannot have any sense of achievement in fulfilling it. The reason why Moshe did not specify what mitzvah he was referring to was because he was speaking to each and every Jew individually. We all know that there are certain mitzvos that we think – erroneously – are too hard for us, require too much effort, that seem to be reserved for other people who are more religiously observant or “frum” than we consider ourselves to be. And that, Moshe is informing us, is a mistake.

As imperfect, mortal humans, we have a tendency to self-deprecate far too much. We look at a particular mitzvah and say to ourselves, “Oh, I wish I could do that mitzvah, but I can’t because of X, Y or Z.” We think that if only we were more religious, or we had a better Jewish education growing up, or a myriad of other excuses that our minds can think of to justify our “inability” to fulfill G-d’s commandments. Moshe Rabbeinu is telling us that all these thoughts are entirely misguided. The mitzvos are all within reach, they are not across the ocean in Israel or anywhere else. The mitzvos can be performed by anyone, even people like ourselves with whatever background might be, not just for those we consider to be more religious than ourselves. The Torah is telling us that the reason why we don’t accomplish more in our mitzvah observance is because we put limitations on ourselves – we self-impose limits and barriers that prevent us from becoming more spiritually connected to G-d and His Torah and mitzvos. No one is twisting our arm, no one is telling us we aren’t good enough or smart enough – we do that to ourselves!

Now that Rosh Hashana is upon us once again, it behooves us to look within and figure out one mitzvah – just one mitzvah – that we have continually placed beyond our own reach. Once we find that one mitzvah, we should contemplate what we can do, what little changes need to be made in our lives, that will allow us to add this one extra mitzvah performance to our repertoire. We all know of people who may have said that a certain mitzvah, perhaps going to shul every day, keeping kosher or Shabbos, was beyond them. But, when circumstances changed and the opportunity presented itself, they seized the moment and were able to succeed, perhaps slowly but surely. Why should we view their success from afar, putting ourselves behind facades of excuses? If we put our minds to it, we can also increase our religious observance and improve our spirituality and connection to G-d. It is not beyond the sea or high above in heaven; that mitzvah is right here in front of us, ready and waiting to come into our lives.

However, one may say, “There are so many mitzvos! How can I possibly take them all upon myself right now? It’s far too much for me to handle!” The answer to that is we don’t have to do everything right away. We can take baby steps, learning a little more and a little more, slowing building our knowledge and observance. As Rabbi Avigdor Nebenzahl, the former Chief Rabbi of the Old City of Jerusalem and senior Rosh Yeshiva at Yeshivat Netiv Aryeh said,

“A person is not expected to immediately reach the top rung of the ladder… He is, however, required to improve himself slightly. For example, he can have that much more kavannah [concentration] in his davening [prayers]. Even in the way he honors his parents, he is not expected to immediately reach the highest level that the Torah demands, but he should at least talk nicely to his parents for the first ten minutes after he comes home. Perhaps the next day it will not be too difficult for him to increase the number of minutes.” (Tit’haru! P.101)

It is in this fashion, one of slight improvements, one day at a time, one mitzvah at a time, that we can realistically raise ourselves up into higher levels of mitzvah observance and service of HaShem. So let us forget New Year’s resolutions that we know are too much to take on right now, and focus on that one mitzvah that we struggle with, and figure out how we can incorporate it into our lives. Once we’ve mastered that mitzvah, let’s move on to another, and another. Slowly but surely, we can and will ascend in spirituality, and our lives will be that much richer and enjoyable because of our efforts.

May we all take this notion to heart and start off with that one mitzvah to take with us into the New Year, and as a result, may we all merit to be written and sealed in the Book of Life.

New Maccabeats Video For Rosh Hashana / Yom Kippur - "Book of Good Life"

2011-09-22T19:56:00.005-04:00

And here it is folks!

I think it's FANTASTIC.

The Maccabeats definitely get better with each video - I like this one more than "The Purim Song," and feel as though it's as good as (if not a bit better) than "Candlelight." The new video is quite catchy, but "Candlelight" might be a bit easier to sing - I've got to get more used to "Book of Good Life."

Aside from the quality of the song itself, the usual masterful production values from Uri Westrich, and all the cute inside jokes such as the reappearance of the space suit in Noey's closet, Uri's cameo, and the "Greeks" in shul - The Maccabeats have finally included women in their video (and lots of them) which is a great, positive answer to the undeserved critiques leveled at them when "The Purim Song" was released earlier in the year.

Of course, now that the new video is out, the next question must be: when will the 2nd album be released, guys? ;)

Abolish The Death Sentence? I Think Not.

2011-09-22T16:15:00.001-04:00

GREY AREA ALERT

The world has been following the story of Troy Davis, a man convicted and executed for the murder of an off-duty police officer back in 1989. Protests have been going on around the country - and world - in an effort to save his life, but the Supreme Court of the state of Georgia followed the United States Supreme Court denied those requests, and Davis was executed via lethal injection last night.

The world is now up in arms over a the government instituted execution of a man purported to be innocent based on recent retractions and alternate claims that cropped up in the last few years after he was originally convicted. I honestly don't know which side to believe, since both seem to make good points, but I can say that I felt a chill race down my spine as I read his reported final words last night.

"(Davis) made a statement in which he said... 'Despite the situation you're in, (I) was not the one who did it.' He said he was not personally responsible for what happened that night, that he did not have a gun. He said to the family that he was sorry for their loss, but also said that he did not take their son, father, brother.

"He said to them to dig deeper into this case, to find out the truth. He asked his family and friends to keep praying, to keep working, to keep the faith. And then he said to the prison staff, the ones he said 'are going to take my life,'...'May G-d have mercy on your souls,' and his last words to them (were), 'May G-d bless your souls."

Scary, huh? At any rate, it certainly makes one wonder.

The world is outraged and many are calling for the abolishment of the death penalty. They say that no one deserves to suffer such cruel punishment, certainly not a potentially innocent man. But what about criminals who really do deserve to be permanently removed from society, such as this racist from Texas name Laurence Russel Brewer, who was also executed yesterday.

Note the huge disparity between the comments on the two pages about execution.

If execution is unfitting for everyone, then yes, it should be abolished. But if it serves a purpose, as a deterrent to potential violent and fatal crimes, then it should exist and continue to be applied as judicially appropriate. The question for Troy Davis was, did he actually commit the crime he was charged of? Had he been executed when he was originally convicted, I doubt the world would be as stirred up, if at all, as it is now. Would the EU foreign policy chief Catherine Ashton have said "The abolition of that penalty is essential to protect human dignity" about Brewer? Almost all the comments on articles discussing his execution can be summed up as "why didn't this happen sooner?" and "he should have been killed like his victim, chained up and dragged behind a truck!"

As Jews, we can't ignore these sorts of things, since they can, and do affect us as well. Anyone remember the execution of Martin Grossman last February? The charedi response there was ridiculous - a chillul HaShem - as the sister of the ranger Grossman killed basically says in the video interview there. I couldn't find an article on CNN, but all the Jewish websites and blogs covered it quite extensively, and almost all were outraged at the idea of a Jew being killed by a secular government. I still don't understand why a convicted killer deserved such protest, even if he was Jewish and even if he did do teshuva, as some reported.

And what of poor Lieby Kletzky's vicious murderer, Levi Aron? The evidence is there. Should he be put to death? I tend to think he should - as should any other proven murderer. There is capital punishment in the Torah for a reason, as it says in several locations, to "remove evil from our midst." If we, as a world society, decided to abolish the enforcement of the death penalty, our already problematic laundry list of annual violent crimes would increase exponentially, and we'd all be in a lot of trouble.

If a person contemplating killing another person weighs out the options he has within his free will - to kill the person who wronged him, who he hates for whatever reason, or for the mere horrific 'thrill' of doing so, and thus be rid of that person forever, while ending up in a secure facility where he will be fed, clothed, and given TV etc for the rest of his life, all at the expense of the tax payers - or to live the life he does now, with the same person causing trouble or grief for him, a life that may already have other troubles from debt, relationships, unemployment, drugs, whatever (a lot of these things seem to go together) - what would he seriously choose?

If there is no deterrent to such heinous acts, what is there to stop such a person from exacting revenge, spilling blood, and going on to live the out his days in moderate comfort for free? If we decide that no one should die for their crimes, no matter how horrible they are, what reason will there be for anyone to ever not commit such atrocities when the opportunity arises? Throw serious consequences out the window, and let's see what happens...

I'm sure some readers are thinking, as I have, that even in the halachic system it was very hard to properly convict a murderer - which required two witnesses to the act who warned the killer beforehand, saw him acknowledge their warning, and carried out the killing anyway. In my limited experience (I haven't learned Shas after all) of learning Gemara, I've seen discussions where Chazal went out of their way to make sure a potentially innocent man wasn't put to death by intensive questioning of witnesses that often led them to trip up.

But there was also the concept of kipa, discussed on Sanhedrin 81B wherein Beis Din would punish a criminal they were convinced was guilty but lacked the required witnesses. They'd lock the person in a cell, starve him, then feed him barley bread until his stomach burst.

Clearly, Chazal knew that executing a violent criminal, or sinner deserving of capital punishment, was a worthy pursuit. So why does the world at large seem to forget this? Without the threat of punishment, why would anyone consider not committing a murder? With all the news coverage of cases where alleged killers are either exonerated, or at worst, sentenced to life in prison, what's to stop a young person watching the broadcast from getting inspired to attempt a similar act in the future, should the circumstances become valid in their eyes? There are far too many problems with today's youth (of all races) in underserved and overpopulated areas with drugs, pregnancies, theft and other crimes, many of which go unnoticed or unpunished, to provide yet another harmful outlet for their frustration and anger at their lot in life.

What the world needs is effective punishment where criminals do not enjoy the finer things in life, such as free housing, food, cable TV, workout rooms, etc in jail - for those who truly deserve the death penalty. We shouldn't be dragging out such cases for 20+ years before finally deciding to execute a criminal, because that distances the punishment from the crime, and gives people a chance to feel bad for someone who deserves to answer to justice for their wrongful actions.

We humans are often weak when it comes to our emotions. That's why we often give into the urge to sin or hurt others. It is also why we can be manipulated into believing falsehoods as crafty individuals pull our heartstrings, forcing grey into arenas that can be, or were, more starkly defined as white and black.

With all the other negative things going on in this world, including such sad things as horrible conflict within our own people in our own land, and with morality quickly going down the drain in so many different and frightening ways, I hope humanity can get a grip on itself before we sink into moral anarchy.

I've had enough of all this...We need Moshiach now.

Shofar Callin': A Rosh Hashana Song

2011-09-21T12:24:00.004-04:00

I seem to have totally missed this video last year. The artist behind the music, Prodezra, is a good friend of mine.

In other news, The Maccabeats filmed their new Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur video last week at a shul in Riverdale, and their facebook page says the video will hopefully be released at the end of next week.

UPDATE (9/22) - It's HERE!!!!

Lastly, there seems to be a new member of the Maccabeats as seen in a picture on their Facebook page from a recent performance in Seattle. Perhaps it's time to update the Maccabeats availability graphic? ;)

Wearing A Kittel For Rosh Hashana? Not This Year!

2011-09-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

My Rav recently spoke about the minhag of wearing a kittel on Rosh Hashana during his dvar Torah/halacha in between mincha and ma'ariv. He mentioned an aspect of the minhag which I was familiar with but did not the reason behind it.

In short, there exists a custom to wear white on Rosh Hashana to symbolize:

1) Purity, like the posuk in Yeshaya 1:18, part of which reads "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Though we know we have been sinful and transgressed HaShem's mitzvos, we are confident that He will purify us from our misdeeds, whitening our neshamos as it were.

2) Burial shrouds, which are also white and very similar to a kittel (for those who have not attended a tahara, I can vouch for the resemblance). The purpose of dressing in a garment that resembles the one that is placed on a corpse for burial is to keep us mindful of the awesome holiness and seriousness of the day - and help us ponder where we might be in the the near future if we are not judged with life for the coming year, lo aleinu.

Women wear white clothing. Some men will wear a white tie or yarmulka, but the prevalent custom for men is to wear a kittel as their white garment.

However, a chosson in his first year of marriage - that's me - does not wear the kittel on Rosh Hashana. I had heard this before, but not the reason my Rav presented: the Torah tells us in last week's parsha of Ki Seitzei that a newlywed man has a special mitzvah to gladden his wife during their first year of marriage, which is why he does not go to the army (Devarim 24:5). Instead, he stays home to be mesameach her.

This is the very reason why the chosson doesn't wear the kittel during shana rishona - because their resemblance to burial shrouds might make his wife start worrying about him too much, and he is under special command to make her happy, not cause her grief!

Sufficed to say, my kittel will be staying right in my closet until Pesach.

And So It Begins... Rosh Hashana Music Videos

2011-09-15T00:00:00.004-04:00

Update 9/22 - New Maccabeats video! "Book of Good Life" is HERE!

Oh, Maccabeats, as much as I love your music, what have you brought upon us? ;)

From Aish, the Rosh Hashana Rock Anthem (is this really "rock" though?):

And from The Maccabeats' fiercest competition, The Fountainheads, there is "Dip Your Apple" (caveat: contains women singing and dancing).

I guess the big question is, with all the other Jewish music videos/parodies out there now, very obviously inspired by the Maccabeats, when will they make another video - and for which holiday?

Update: 3:05 PM - I turns out the Maccabeats are indeed coming out with a Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur video soon. Thanks to reader "leo" for the tip. I guess that's what I get for writing this post on Sunday and not checking Facebook yesterday...

Also, it turns out that the dancers in the Aish video are NOT Aish students at all. They are an Israeli dance crew called Lions of Zion. The link features a video of the dance crew performing elsewhere, and I'm not too surprised their female dancer isn't in the Aish video ;)

It seemed too good to be true, though I wouldn't have doubted the possibility that some ba'alei teshuva at Aish would have amazing dancing skills. When I saw the guys flipping with their yarmulka's falling off, after which they made no eff0rt to recover them, I thought something might be up... This revelation does take the cool factor of the video down a notch in my view, but it's still quite fun.

Update 3:47 PM - Rabbi Michael Tzadok commented on Bad For Shidduchim that some of the guys ARE Aish students... I can tell some of them definitely aren't from the previously cited link, but the guy in the glasses looks like he could be a yeshiva bochur.

I'm Really Not A Kofer... I Hope.

2011-09-12T19:05:00.003-04:00

As most (or all) of the readers have probably realized by now, I'm a guy who holds very strongly of the halachic, Torah observant form of Judaism, and don't generally tend to point out things I find in the Torah or elsewhere in Tanach to be objectionable or worth changing or whatever. I really don't identify with the people who categorize themselves as liberal Orthodox and rally for the change of halacha to fit our modern times, or modify things to be more in accordance with current philosophic trends. However, two mitzvos in this past week's parsha of Ki Setzei really, really bug me.

I don't want anyone to make the assumption that I've become a biblical critic, reducing the word of G-d to nothing more than yet another literary document that humans can examine and argue with at will. Far be it from me to challenge the authenticity of our mesorah. I just don't understand the greater functionality of these mitzvos (both are similar as you'll soon see), specifically from a woman's perspective.

Cue shriek of horror: Oh no! Shades of Grey has become a liberal feminist!

I will admit that I thought that the girls I would eventually date who attended Stern College for Women would be of the more pro-feminist sort, and in fact read a number of more modern Orthodox books on the subjects of women and halacha, such as several titles by Rabbi Yehuda Henkin (who isn't so left-wing anyway), but I never actually encountered anyone like that while I was dating. That topic probably deserves a post of its own, so I will simply attribute my inquiries on the parsha to insights developed from my pre-dating research.

Into my questions, both from chapter 22.

Mitzvah 1: In Devarim 22:13-21, the Torah tells us about a man who marries a woman, hates her and decides to besmirch her name by claiming he discovered she wasn't a virgin, implying she was unfaithful to him while they were betrothed via erusin (in which they are halachically married but unable to cohabit), and that his father-in-law tricked him into marrying an immoral woman.

There are two potential conclusions. If she's guilty, she's executed as an adulteress. If her parents prove her innocence, the man pays a fine of 100 silver shekels to her father, and has to remain married to her, unable to divorce his wife for the rest of his life.

Mitzvah 2: Devarim 22:28-29 - If a man grabs hold of and lies with a virgin, who is not betrothed, he pays her father 50 silver shekels as a fine. He must also marry her because he afflicted her, without the possibility of ever divorcing her for the rest of his life.

Now, granted that I can see, from my very lowly human perspective, that the Torah is perhaps teaching the man a lesson about his bad behavior, and he will hopefully do teshuva and become a proper husband, turning his lust/ill intents into true love and caring for his new wife. However, having had some experience with human nature and hearing/meeting individuals who are not by any means model men or husbands, I don't think that will always be the case.

If so, and the man remains the testosterone fueled jerk he was before he was hauled to beis din to answer for his impetuosity, does the woman have any say in this?

The answer I DON'T want to hear is that the Torah was written in a patriarchal society where woman never had any rights, and thus we see the man-made hand behind our holy scripture. I don't believe such things, especially after learning more in-depth about mitzvos such as onah, which is one of the 3 biggies I'm now responsible for as a husband. So please spare me any such diatribe of that nature in the comments section.

After explaining my questions to ASoG while we at Shalosh Seudos together, I asked her if she were hypothetically in such a position, would she have any desire to remain married to a man who either defamed her or forced himself on her. Her answer was an emphatic no. I don't think I'm crazy, and I definitely know ASoG's isn't a feminist of any sort.

I checked Rashi, who doesn't comment, and Artscroll's Stone Chumash commentary is completely silent on this section. I confess that such was the extent of my research, and have not looked into any further sources since I don't really have the time presently. As it goes, grad school and marriage will do that to a person.

I hope to find a source, or that someone will tell me where one is located, that says the woman has an option to refuse to marry this guy just like she does by yibbim if her brother-in-law is unappealing to her.

Any readers out there have any thoughts or sources they'd like to contribute?

Learning From An Angel Among Men

2011-09-08T09:59:00.003-04:00

ASoG and I recently paid a shiva visit to her great-uncle who lives on the other side of Washington Heights (the Breur’s side) for the unfortunate loss of his younger brother. Both ASoG’s uncle (who I’ll now refer to as Uncle Shmuel) and his brother survived Auschwitz, the only two children of 12 that survived the war.

As I sat there, listening more than talking, I learned more and more about Uncle Shmuel and his brother, and I have to say I admire him now more than ever. I’ve always thought of him as an angel of sorts, just from barely knowing his personality, but now I’ve seen and heard more that convinces me how much of a tzadik he is.

Uncle Shmuel and his wife never had the merit of having children, while his younger brother did have several daughters who married and produced grandchildren. Instead, he and ASoG’s great-aunt Sara treated ASoG’s mother and siblings as their own children. Even now, in their advanced age, he continues to learn daily with great zeal, and she is very involved in baby-sitting and making bikur cholim visits.

One guest that came to be menachem avel while we were there, herself quite elderly, a bit bent over, and generally frail, sat down near Uncle Shmuel with some effort. He thanked her profusely for coming to visit, and she replied that she could never forget the chessed he performed with her husband of blessed memory – who was once a chazan and ba’al koreh in their shul – when he was quite ill and neared his own end. Uncle Shmuel would go downstairs (they live in the same building) and helped her husband put on his tefillin when he no longer had the strength to do so on his own.

Uncle Shmuel recounted a number of stories from his personal experience in the Holocaust, all of which were quite riveting and heart-breaking. When the entire family was deported, he managed to stay with his father while his younger brother (who he was sitting shiva for) was sent to another camp that ended up being slightly less harsh (if one can say that). He never saw his younger brother again during the 5 years they spent in Auschwitz, and his father died before liberation. Thankfully, through hashgacha pratis, he was reunited with his brother 10 days after the American soldiers liberated them, when he went back to his home in Yugoslavia, hoping to meet up with his older siblings. While he found his brother, they later discovered that they were all that was left from their immediate family. They later made their way to a DP camp, then to Belgium, Antwerp, Montreal and finally America.

One particularly striking story that he told us was a recurring dream he had throughout his duration at Auschwitz.

In the dream, which Uncle Shmuel explained became a form of prayer to HaShem, he found himself free from the horrors of the concentration camp and in a wide open field. There was food planted in the field which he would happily harvest and prepare himself, with no need to bother anyone else with the physical labor involved.

He also imagined/wished/requested that he could go learn Gemara like he used to back at his home. He wanted to just learn a Gemara, any Gemara, it didn’t need to be like the fancy Artscroll Gemaros that we have nowadays. He said all he wanted was a simple Gemara, and two little light bulbs, which would let him study day or night. Even the light bulbs didn’t need to be of the high quality variety we enjoy now in America, just two dim little bulbs that would produce enough light to let him see the words printed on the page.

I was blown away after I heard this dream. I sat back and thought about all the things I’ve ever wanted and dreamed about, some serious, most silly and extraneous, and none of it compares to the purity and Emes that Uncle Shmuel expressed.

Uncle Shmuel repeatedly told us that everyone who survived the Holocaust has their own story, but that for him (and others) it has become too difficult for them to properly tell over their experiences. When they were younger, after arriving in America, the survivors focused solely on getting by, they felt as though they were lower than ants, and merely struggled to make a living and exist in their new country. They didn’t think about trying to record their stories because they were so busy rebuilding. Now that they are old, it has become too emotionally draining for them. Aunt Sara can't even begin to relate her experiences without breaking down into tears. I tried to gently encourage him to tell us more, but in the end I respected his admission of how difficult it would be to relate events in more detail.

Uncle Shmuel spoke about how he found his wife, Sara. He was only 19 when he was liberated, and he waited several years until he was in his 20’s and already in America before he started looking to get married. He told us how all he wanted was an aidel Yiddeshe girl, not someone extremely beautiful, nor someone from a wealthy family. He repeated, with great emphasis, that he never wanted someone whose parents had money. For him, having wealthy in-laws was never a consideration. Uncle Shmuel just wanted a religiously observant girl who would build a proper Jewish home, and he certainly found that in his lifelong partner.

Aunt Sara greatly encourages Uncle Shmuel's learning, and is a perfect companion for living a life full of chessed and tzedaka. They regularly host young singles and other not-so-young residents of the Breur's side for Shabbos meals, and Aunt Sara dabbles in shidduchim when she isn't babysitting or visiting a local nursing home.

Uncle Shmuel is clearly a man who recognizes that everything he has is a matat Elokim, a gift from G-d, to quote Koheles. He has been through so much, yet he still appreciates the most minute things in life. How many of us would actually have the same dream he did while he was suffering in Auschwitz? How many of us would put ourselves in his mindset when we are looking for our zivug? Think about all the brachos we enjoy, and how spoiled many, or most of us are.

There are very few people I’ve ever met in my life that I would honestly describe as a malach (angel), but Uncle Shmuel is one of them. May we continue to learn from him and benefit from his experience, wisdom and humility – along with Aunt Sara’s – for many years to come.

Continuing The Fight Against Evil

2011-09-05T12:52:00.004-04:00

It looks like the guys behind the Mighty Morphin' YU Rangers episode are back at it again with another super hero video set on the Yeshiva University Campus.

This one is called Kamen Rider RIETS and seems to be about a YU-themed Power Ranger of sorts.

It looks pretty interesting - especially the costume design - and they chose to include one of my favorite songs, which seems to fit nicely. I wikipedia'ed "Kamen Rider" and it turns out it's very similar to Power Rangers, but with only one or two heroes instead of a team.

This preview video came out a while ago, so I'm not really sure when the finished product will be put online, but I'll definitely be keeping an eye out for it. The more fun YU videos the better, I say.

What do you guys think?

Re: A Second Look At The IDF

2011-08-24T00:00:00.001-04:00

I just finished reading this great guest contribution to Cross-Currents, titled "A Second Look at the IDF." The article is written by Eli Julian, a young married man who wanted a better means to support his wife and family and decided to join the IDF's new Shachar group, which caters toward Charedim. I was very pleasantly surprised by his positive experience, as well as the encouragement he has received from a rabbinic leader like Rabbi Yitzchok Zilbershtein of Cholon.

Arguably, this is one of the most encouraging parts of the article:

At one point during the time I spent there, Rav Zilbershtein was coming to Yerushalayim to speak at the Agudas Yisroel Yarchei Kallah, so I got approval from my commander to go to the speech instead of going to the kollel that day. Being that I was only traveling locally, I decided to come in a hat and jacket as opposed to my army uniform that I wore daily to the kollel. The next day Rav Zilbershtein called me over. “Why didn’t you wear your uniform yesterday?” He asked me. “I was only traveling locally. I felt more comfortable in my hat and jacket,” I replied. “I think you should have come in your uniform,” he responded. When I seemed puzzled, he continued, “Do you know what a Limud Zechus you are on the Medina? Here the Medina pays you a salary and tells you ‘Make sure to keep your religious lifestyle, make sure that you learn Torah.’ You need to publicize that! I think that whenever you go to a public place of learning, you should wear your uniform.”

I'm very pleased to see that the divide between secular and religious is showing some signs, however small, of being broken down along with growth of achdus and acceptance.

Who knows, if we can all work together in earnest ahavas chinam, maybe next Tisha B'Av we will all gather together in Yerushalayim to celebrate the mo'ed that it is meant to be?

Life Is Hard - But Not As Bad As That Guy

2011-08-22T23:06:00.000-04:00

I'm been pondering something and I want to get the readers' opinions. Hopefully this will turn into a meaningful discussion.

Everyone has tzaros (difficulties) in life, and no one really understands how hard/bad it may be for another person unless we've been "in their shoes" and experienced the exact same thing, such as, lo aleinu, the death of a parent, broken engagement, life-threatening illness/injury, etc. And even then, circumstances are never exactly the same, so while there may be some similarity and identification/empathy, everyone's experiences are still unique.

It doesn't really serve us well to compare ourselves to people we know, especially in areas where they find success and we struggle. We can become jealous, and the relationship can fester in many vile ways as we attempt to regain some positive self-worth belief in ourselves.

But what about the flip side of the coin?

I have a friend I've known since high school, but haven't really seen in a long time, and they happened to friend me on Facebook right after I joined during my first year at YU. We don't really ever interact, but I've noticed consistently from their status updates/notes in the past several years that their life seems to always be falling apart due one disaster after another on a fairly regular basis. Some crises are brought on by obviously bad decisions that could have been avoided and others unexpected and uncontrolled. I often wonder why they won't ever learn from their mistakes, whether it is related to relationships, family, school or otherwise - and I also feel bad for the suffering they experience, regardless if it is self-fulfilled or not.

There really isn't anything I can do for the person - and I've tried to contact them on an occasion or two, but nothing can be accomplished. They also live far away and have basically cut themselves off from the Jewish community they grew up in and their family. So here I am, watching this train wreck go on and on - and on and on - and I can only feel pity for them.

In times when I think I'm having a bad day, when school is tough, my learning isn't so good, I wake up late for davening, or procrastinate too much on my work (or anything else you can think of), I am often confronted with another one of this friend's disastrous life events as soon as I sign onto Facebook. I immediately take a mental step back and think to myself, "Wow, my life really isn't so bad after all." I will think about the abundance of brachos that HaShem has showered upon ASoG and I and feel how truly fortunate we are in the major areas in life, realizing that the things that are "bad" are actually pretty insignificant in the overall big picture.

But is this a proper thing to do?

I'm not aggrandizing myself over my forlorn friend, like pointing and haughtily turning my nose up at the guy who came 20 minutes late to Shacharis when I arrived 15 minutes late, thinking "I still beat that guy, look how late he got here!" That's obviously a tactic of the yetzer hara to get us accustomed to our improper practices by making us feel better because we've put someone down.

I don't look at this person and say to myself, "Boy, at least I never made that mistake! How stupid are they?" I just read these sad stories and turn inward, recognizing the Yad HaShem and the gifts I'm given on a daily basis.

While the end result, which I feel is a proper mussar lesson - being thankful for all the HaShem has given me while being uplifted when I'm troubled - I feel like I got there by taking a dirty alleyway. Instead of reading a mussar sefer, I hear about this nebach person and receive inspiration, which just feels wrong.

So, what do you think?

National Council Of Young Israel Singles Shabbaton

2011-08-15T13:03:00.003-04:00

I received this in my email and I figure it's worth passing on for anyone single who fits the bill. Sorry I posted this past the early bird date. It's for this upcoming weekend, so hurry up and apply!

ATTENTION SINGLES 25-38
A Great Shabbaton August 19-21, 2011

Young Israel of Vacation Village & National Council of Young Israel present

“Single Mingle” A Shabbaton for Modern/Machmir Orthodox Singles

Vacation Village, Loch Sheldrake, NY Ages 25-38; Early Bird Special: $175 per person (by August 10); $195 (after August 10)

PLEASE NOTE: Admission to Shabbaton contingent on acceptance by Vacation Village Singles Committee Review.

For more information, contact: vvsingles@gmail.com
or Rebbetzin Judi Steinig: jsteinig@youngisrael.org
212-929-1525 x112 or fax 212-727-9526

Shabbaton Features Home hospitality in beautiful Loch Sheldrake’s Vacation Village

Speed Dating and other fun activities
Gourmet Shabbat meals at Bonnie’s Place
Motzai Shabbat Entertainment
Melava Malka at Star-Gelt Cafe, an outdoor/lakeside cafe
Sunday morning brunch

Limited Housing available
Don’t Delay -- Past Shabbatonim have been closed out in advance.

FOR MORE INFORMATION AND AN APPLICATION PLEASE CLICK HERE

Dancing In The Vineyards

2011-08-15T00:30:00.001-04:00

How many of our single female readers out their have their borrowed white dresses ready?

Maybe you'll find the right guy and you'll end up married in a vineyard, too!

Original photo credit.

Anybody up for planning a Vineyard Discotec for next Tu B'Av?

P.S. It's really hard to find a picture of a modest wedding gown that isn't from an Orthodox Jewish wedding... what's the point of showing off the bride like that, anyway?

Who's Ready For Some Football!?

2011-08-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

Yeshiva Unviersity recently posted a particularly clever video on youtube that advertises their upcoming homecoming event that will take place on Sunday, September 18th, starting at 9:30 AM.

I remember seeing someone post a picture of grass quadrangle (the only legitimate grassy area on campus) a few weeks ago on Facebook. I thought it was a prank of some sort, but this turned out to be quite cute.

For those readers who didn't attend a secular high school with a football team, homecoming is generally a big get-together event shortly after the school year starts in the fall where alumni, students, teachers, and their families visit their alma mater and attend a big Friday night home game. Sufficed to say, I never went to one in high school, but the notion that YU is trying to live up to the hype of a stereotypical homecoming is pretty darn funny.

The entire event looks like it's going to be a lot of fun, and a great opportunity to hear shiurim as well as visit the campus for anyone who hasn't been around in a while. More information, including a schedule of events, can be found here.

Tisha B'av Thoughts

2011-08-08T21:58:00.003-04:00

Here we are again, another Tisha B'Av is upon us.

We weren't strong enough, good enough, righteous enough...

We didn't do enough mitzvos, learn enough Torah, daven enough tefillos, or do enough teshuva...

We harbored too much resentment of our neighbors and friends, we didn't forgive enough, we didn't try to make peace enough, we didn't look for enough opportunities to help another...

Our chessed wasn't enough, our tzedaka wasn't enough, our kavana for brachos wasn't enough...

Bottom line: we didn't care enough, want it enough, beg for it enough, cry for it enough...

And now another Tisha B'Av is here - a fast day, and not a mo'ed. No Moshiach, no rebuilt Yerushalayim, Beis Hamikdash, no shirei levi'im, no kohanim performing the avodah...

Just nothing.

Again.

Why can't we be better, care enough about each other and about the Beis Hamikdash to have it rebuilt in our lifetime?

We haven't derserved it almost 2,000 years... so how can we merit to properly deserve its return to our lives?

We don't even know what we're missing. As my Rav said, it's like asking a blind man if he missing seeing the world - there is simply no comprehension of the loss we choose to live with each and every day of our lives - in galus and in Eretz Yisrael, because we're all in this together.

I was reading the YU Tisha B'Av To-Go packet for 5771 (find past years here) and something Rabbi Kenneth Brander quoted in his introductory remarks struck a deep chord with me:

Rav Naphtali Tzvi Yehuda Berlin explains in his introduction to Sefer Bereshiet that the calamity of the Diaspora occurred when those involved with Torah study were not willing to recognize that there are multiple gateways of service to God. “The pious, the righteous and those steeped in Torah study were not virtuous in their interactions with others. They had baseless hatred of others in their hearts. They looked askance at those who served Hashem differently … thinking that they were zadukim and apikorsim, apostates and heretics. It is for this reason that death and civil unrest [came to our people], and all the evils that happened in the world culminating with the destruction of the [second] Temple occurred.”

It's as true nowadays as it was then that it's scary - and it's keeping the Beis Hamikdash from being rebuilt.

Too many "frum" Jews look down upon their brethren, whether they are very right wing looking down on their more modern brethren, chassidish looking down upon yeshivish, or shomrei Torah u'mitzvot of any banner looking down upon their less religious brothers and sisters with disdain. It's horrible, simply outrageous, and it shouldn't happen, ever.

Enough is enough.

Enough with the sinas chinam.

Bring on the ahavas chinam.

Bring on the Moshiach.

And bring back the Beis Hamikdash - amein, kein yehi ratzon.

Things I've Learned Since I Got Married #8 - Fridge Art

2011-07-27T23:22:00.000-04:00

Many of the marriage books I've read suggest that leaving little love notes for one's spouse to find is a good tactic to keep the other person thinking about you when they discover the little composition you've created. ASoG is particularly adept at leaving cards or notes in my weekday tallis bag carrier-thingy - and she gets me every time. I get ready to start putting on my tallis in the morning and to my surprise, I find another lovely little note. The tallis bag carrier-thingy is stored on a shelf where I don't pay much attention to it after Shacharis, so she picks some random time of the day and slips them in.

While I like the idea of hiding notes around, we've discovered an even better method of conveying such messages of affection.

One of the most useful, not to mention fun, purchases that ASoG made when we were moving into our apartment was a magnetized dry-erase board for our refrigerator door. We could write down things like upcoming appointments, semachos we were going to attend, errands/chores that needed to be taken care of, and shopping lists - which would all be very visible and thus easier to remember and harder to forget.

However, the best "use" of the dry-erase board by far has nothing to do with run-of-the-mill, day-to-day stuff like the things I just listed. Rather, the dry erase board becomes a vehicle to compose little love notes, poems, display quotes, or the best of all (in my opinion) drawing funny or wacky doodles designed to make the other spouse laugh.

It's really perfect, especially if one spouse wakes up and departs before the other, which gives him/her a chance to scribble/draw something that their spouse is bound to notice when stopping by the kitchen for breakfast. I can't count the times that both ASoG and I have given each other words of encouragement, a laugh, or just something cute to make us think about the other on our little dry-erase board.

Here's an example (drawn by yours truly):

Amazing, isn't it?

To all the engaged, soon-to-be-engaged, married, and soon-to-be-married folks out there, do yourselves a favor and add a magnetic dry-erase board to your shopping list for your new apartment/home. Your spouse will love you for it.

Guy > Girl = Happy Marriage?

2011-07-20T12:01:00.004-04:00

I recently found an interesting article on the Daily Mail (a British newspaper) website which is titled Marriage 'more satisfying when wife is THINNER than husband'.

In short, a study conducted that followed the calculated body mass index (BMI) of both the husband and wife of 169 couples under the age of 35 over the course of 4 years determined that as long as the husband was larger than his wife, both at the start and throughout the study, he maintained a higher level of happiness.

Conversely, a heavier husband did not impact the level of happiness of the wife. However, a wife who had a lower BMI than her husband was in fact "significantly happier" than a wife whose BMI matched or exceeded her husband's.

Aside from the obvious conclusion, that younger men view physical attractiveness with greater significance than younger women, the lead female researcher, doctoral candidate Andrea Melzer remarked, "The great take-home message from our study is that women of any size can be happy in their relationships with the right partner. It's relative weight that matters, not absolute weight. It's not that they have to be small."

This could explain the number of couples I know, or have seen on Only Simchas where the guy is quite a bit larger than his fiancee/wife. I do wonder though, if the results or further testing could show to what degree a woman, from the average male's perspective, "should" have less BMI than he does? While the study proclaims that married women shouldn't feel the need to be pressured to fit into size 0 jeans to please their husband, how does this reflect on the shidduch world when reality is so distorted and unreasonable sizes are demanded just to make the cut for a potential date?

Is it possible that such research could demonstrate that a guy legitimately only needs a girl who has less BMI than him, within a healthy range that would account for his personal preference (not every man likes supermodel thin or more zaftig women)? Perhaps this could somehow be explored to put a spotlight on how bad things have gotten with expectations of women's sizes and put our dating culture back on a more realistic, functional track?

Thoughts?

Things I've Learned Since I've Gotten Married #7: Icky Removal

2011-07-18T15:33:00.004-04:00

This point seems to be blatantly obvious for most men and women, but I figured it's worthwhile to add my own insights to the mix of (mis)information out there.

As most people seem to know, women are not quite fond of creepy crawly things, slimy/squishy things, and scampering/slithering scaled things, among other creatures out there that aren't in the same category of cuteness as a puppy or kitten. This means whenever an insect, arachnid, rodent, reptile or whatever shows up uninvited, it's generally the husband's job to capture/kill and dispose of the unwanted guest. This also comes up whenever multi-legged critters turn up deceased around the apartment and their remains must be removed without delay - especially if they are found in very public or high traffic areas.

I am not such a fan of killing animals for no real reason, and am more likely to pursue a catch-and-release-outside option should it be available, especially for things that don't have an exoskeleton. While I have indeed killed a few spiders/roaches, I've also caught and released a gecko or two (true story, and no, they aren't native in these parts).

The policy of having the husband deal with gross things also applies to cleaning/throwing away items that have become rather noxious, dirty, or slimy. Generally, this isn't much of a problem, and I find it much easier to deal with than living animals.

Sometimes, though, even my tolerance for dealing with such things can be tested.

Case in point, ASoG was cleaning the tub of our new apartment and discovered that the water wasn't draining well. Of course, this probably meant that there was something clogged beneath the little drain stopper. As a rule, I'm the one who always removes any sort of hair clot, even if we know we caused the issue (and women are notorious for shedding, which is the topic of another post entirely). However, this time was a little different.

Granted, the drain clog had nothing to do with us, and was created by the previous occupants, which did add another level of icky-factor. In fact, I was already expected ASoG to ask me to assist her in this aspect of cleaning the tub. What I didn't expect to hear was this:

"AHHHH! Come quick! It's LOOKING at me!"

I honestly had no idea what I was going to find, but I ran to the rescue anyway and peered into the drain as ASoG hovered a safe distance away. I thought there might have been a lizard, maybe even a mouse, but instead I saw a bunch of eyes looking back at me. More in number and larger in size than any local creature that I'm aware of. It was also quite fuzzy/hairy. I could tell it wasn't a tarantula, but I was still a bit hesitant to stick my finger anywhere near it. I grabbed a vinyl glove from nearby and extracted this interesting thing:

Basically, it's a combination fuzz/hair clot along with a woman's hair scrunchy thing with beads that look like large eyeballs. I've dubbed it "The Drain Googly." ASoG wouldn't even look at it because of its high level icky-ness, and I can't really blame her. I quickly ran to the kitchen, took this picture for posterity (and this post), and dropped it into the garbage. This discovery makes me wonder if someone who used to live here is looking for her hair thingy.

Ah, the pleasures of being Pest Control in shining armor.

Y U Don't Connect #4: Being Unfairly Dismissive

2011-07-14T17:56:00.000-04:00

As a dater, I tried to be one of those who was very dan lekaf zechus, both for myself and other singles when we were constantly berated with the belittling retort “well, the reason why you’re not married is because you’re too picky!” I thought that most guys and girls were simply being lectured by the older generation who were lamenting how much easier it was “back in the day” and that the modern generation is so super-saturated with choices in life that they apply this misdirected attitude toward finding a spouse. Granted, there definitely exist a certain subset of singles who are so full of themselves, usually portrayed as egotistical guys, who want nothing short of perfect and gorgeous, but I believed they were an incorrigible minority.

Speaking from my own dating experience, I can honestly say I tried to give every profile I received proper consideration. I’d read over what was written, make a few phone calls (or have a dating mentor help me with research), and come to a conclusion that whether the girl was worthwhile or not. On a few occasions, I did receive profiles that I declined shortly after reviewing them, because it was simply clear that we were hashkafically mismatched, or in some cases that included a picture I legitimately didn’t find her attractive whatsoever (and as have I mentioned before, to each his/her own in that area, as long as it’s reasonable).

During our time working as Connectors, ASoG and I have experienced what I would describe as a significantly high number of people, both men and women, who are unusually and unfairly dismissive of perfectly good suggestions for the most ridiculous reasons. Certain individuals who we’ve sent dozens of suggestions to have not yet accepted a single idea we’ve given them. It’s not as though we’re coming up with ideas that are a hashkafic mismatch, one person wants to make aliyah tomorrow while the other isn’t interest whatsoever, or that the other person’s appearance is utterly unlike anything they are attracted to. These individuals point out spelling and grammar errors, unclear sentences, or “general feelings” they get after reviewing a profile and simply reject the person outright instead of say, being reasonable and calling the references to find out more.

On the surface, these uber-picky people will tell us, either in their initial decline or when we press for more information when they send a blank response, the person we sent is actually very much what they are looking for. But, there is some seemingly minute detail, which is only apparent in the profile itself that they then use as the lynchpin to reject what otherwise seems like a great shidduch.

Understandably, this is quite frustrating for us, because ASoG and I really do read the profiles and try to match people up as best as we possibly can. Granted, nothing is ever perfect, although sometimes they seem as though they are almost perfect, but I would think that any shidduch that legitimately looks like it has potential should be investigated as much as possible before just throwing away a perfectly good opportunity.

I’m not really sure what the problem is with all these guys and gals. Do they think that there are so many people out there that they can simply turn down any suggestion that is less than a 99% match for their “list” of requirements? Why don’t they actually invest some time into checking out these prospective candidates? Granted, daters using YU Connects, and often daters in the YU World in general, are not required to perform the more extensive research protocols found in the more right wing/yeshivish dating circles. Doing so requires a lot of time and effort, and it can be very frustrating, so many rabbeim encourage a middle ground of some investigation before and more while dating (if things are going well).

At any rate, whatever means of researching suggestions a person may utilize, it seems ridiculous to me that all these people don’t want to put an ounce of effort into checking into prospective matches if everything isn’t picture perfect on paper. Why not ASK for the person’s reference numbers and inquire from the people who know him/her? Or, as a few saner people do, simply ask the connector to find out for you. It’s really very simple. We will email the person saying a potential match would like elaboration on point X in your profile, and we almost always receive a thoughtful reply. I think it behooves each and every member on YUConnects/Saw You at Sinai to treat each suggestion with the utmost seriousness, to the exclusion of the random, dart-board suggestions thrown at them from uncaring connectors.

To the readers who are involved in the more Modern Orthodox-type dating world, particularly those who use YU Connects or SYAS – do you actually make an attempt to check into profile sent to you? If you don’t, why not?

Bubbe's Always Right

2011-06-29T15:52:00.003-04:00

“My grandson Yossel is so smart, he finished Shas for the first time when he was 5!” Fruma exclaimed.

“Is that so?” Shprintza inquired.

“Yes ma’am! It was his first major accomplishment after he was potty trained,” Fruma puffed out her chest with pride.

“You don’t say!” Shprintza thumbed her fist on the armrest of her chair.

“I do say!” Fruma retorted.

“That’s what I said!”

“What?!” Fruma held her hand to her ear.

“I said, that’s what I said!” Shprintza cupped her hands to her mouth and shouted.

“I can’t hear you, my hearing aid needs adjusting,” Fruma poked at the device. It warbled and whined momentarily, then fell silent.

“Well,” Shprintza sat up straighter, “My granddaughter, Sarala is so smart they let her run the whole production when she was still in the 7^th grade!”

Fruma tilted her head at an angle. “I don’t believe that for a minute.”

“It’s true, I have the program with her name in the credits right here,” Shprintza lifted her purse onto her lap and pulled out a wrinkled, faded photocopy. “See here, I even circled it so it’d be easier to find,” she handed Fruma the well-worn sheet of paper, pointing at the big red circle around a few words.

“Are you kidding me, look how small this print is, no one can read this!” She squinted. “It could say President Roosevelt for all I know!”

Shprintza raised an eyebrow. “Theodore or Franklin Delano?”

“There were two of them?” Fruma asked, puzzled.

“Weren’t they brothers?” Shprintza scratched her head. Fruma shrugged and looked back down at the program, brow furrowed in concentration.

“Anyway,” Shprintza continued, snatching the paper from her friend’s hands. “My granddaughter is so aidel, she’s the most sought after girl for shidduchim in the tri-state area. Believe it or not, the boys all line up for her!”

Fruma eyes widened in disbelief, “You’re yanking my chain! That’s impossible!”

“You better believe it! Her list of potential boys is five whole pages long,” Shprintza jabbed a finger in the air for emphasis. “And that’s front and back, too.”

“Feh,” Fruma waved her hand dismissively. “I gua-ran-tee that my grandson Yossel wouldn’t even think about going out with what’s-her-name.” Shprintza looked at her friend as though she’d been slapped.

“You know what? You’re grandson, what’s-his-face, isn’t even good enough for my Sarala!”

“Is that so?” Fruma countered.

“Well, I say it’s so, so of course’s it’s so!” an irritated Shprintza spat. Her dentures flopped out of her mouth and landed in her lap. “Now look what you made me do!” She yammered and quickly popped them back in. Fruma twittered with laughter, slapping her thigh.

“I bet you that if your granddaughter were redt to my Yossel that he wouldn’t even have to consider it for thirty seconds before he turned her down!”

“Ha! Says you! Your grandson couldn’t even make it to the bottom of Sarala’s list! The moment she even heard your grandson’s name she’d know he wouldn’t be worth the time it took to call his references!” Shprintza fired back.

“What do you know, anyway!” Fruma fumed. “If your Dovidel-”

“Yossel!”

Fruma paused mid-rant. “I thought you said his name was Dovidel?”

“Yossel, for crying out loud!” Shprintza shook her fists in the air “You got a hole in your head or something?”

“Fine. Yossidovel or whatever, if you could actually convince him to go out with Sarala, I bet you a million dollars she’d call the shadchan the second he dropped her off at her house and turn him down for a second date!”

“You think so?!” Shprintza thundered. “He’d reject her so fast, he’d probably even call the shadchan with her in the car to say no to a second date.”

Fruma cocked her head at an angle and shot Shprintza a disapproving look. “Now that’s not middos tovos!”

Shprintza scrunched up her face in a scowl. “He’d only do it because Shirala-”

“Sarala!” Fruma interjected.

“-would have been such a horrible date! It’d be real sakanos nafashos, even,” Shprintza finished in a serious tone.

“Now you’re lying through your false teeth!” Fruma raised an angry fist. “No one talks about my Sarala like that!”

“Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?” Shprintza taunted, waving her hands on either side of her head.

“I’ll give you a potch so hard, your girdle will turn backward!”

“I’d like to see you try, you old fogey!” Shprintza raised her hands like a boxer. “I took tai-chi on Thursdays last month, you better watch yourself!” She slowly chopped the air a few times.

“Just you wait ‘til I get over there and I’ll knock you into next Tuesday!” Fruma challenged.

“Why I oughta!”

“No you oughtn’t-a!”

A sudden knock on the door startled the pair of octogenarians, bringing them back to reality. They both hurriedly cleared their throats, and called out “Please come in!” together. The door swung open gently.

“Hi bubbe!”

“Yossel, my boy!”

“Good afternoon, Grandma!”

“Sarala, it’s so nice to see you!”

Fruma and Shprintza fell silent and stared at each other in suspicion.

“What’re you trying to pull?” Fruma demanded in a low voice.

“What’s your game?” Shprintza answered in kind.

Yossel walked over and sat down next to his grandmother. “Bubbe, I’ve got some exciting news for you.”

“I knew it!” Shprintza leapt from her chair to hug her grandson. “You’re engaged, aren’t you?!”

“How’d you know?” Yossel smiled broadly. Shprintza peeked over his shoulder and stuck her tongue out at Fruma.

“So, nu, who’s the lucky girl?” Shprintza inquired warmly.

“I am!” Sarala chirped with glee.

“No kiddin’!?” Fruma held her hand against her cheek. “That’s so exciting!” Fruma enveloped Sarala in an embrace, and winked at her friend, whose jaw hung slack from her face.

“Well, if that ain’t that the baker’s blintz!” Shprintza said.