Happiness Is An Avodah

I heard this idea presented in shul tonight.

We all want to be happy. Most people strive to achieve happiness, but stumble and struggle, and are even discouraged that they may ever be truly happy.

Image Source: http://www.deliveringhappiness.com/12-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Often enough, however, we tend to think that the source of our happiness comes from some external source. If only we had X, Y, or Z - then we'd really be happy. But, because we don't have those things right now, we aren't happy, and we believe that we can't be happy without them.

Rav Yaakov Weinberg Z'tl said that this is a harmful train of thought. By declaring that you can't be happy because you don't currently have X, Y, or Z - you are deciding for yourself not to be happy. Happiness shouldn't be dependent on something external to us. Rather, it is self-generated from within our own minds and souls.

Rav Weinberg elaborated on this theme, saying that this is one of the reasons why Sukkos, known as Zman Simchaseinu - the Time of our Happiness - follows Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, a rather somber and serious period of time. First, we recognize HaShem is our King, and then we plead for our lives from the Ultimate Judge - which doesn't leave a lot of room to focus on happiness.

However this process of going through the Yomim Nora'im is meant to help us recognize a thought pattern that we should ingrain into our daily lives. What brings us true happiness should be the realization that HaShem is indeed, our King, and we are His servants. By doing His requested acts of service, namely the Mitzvos, we will be productive and rewarded, and our internal happiness will stem from our spiritual connection and relationship with HaShem.

Happiness is part of our Avodah of HaShem. It takes hard work, like any Avodah, but we will be better off because of it.

~~~

While thinking about this idea, my mind started making other connections and expansions on the concept.

I know I myself have often focused on external things that I believed, once I attained them, would bring me happiness, but in reality, happiness needs to be self-generated. Whatever stage we are in life - single, dating, engaged, married, parents, grandparents - there is always bound to be something not quite perfect, something lacking in what we expected to have at this stage.

The most stereotypical example is someone engaged and soon-to-be married.

He or she often believes that as soon as they leave the chuppah for the yichud room, everything will be glorious, full of rainbows and sunshine. The truth of the matter is, marriage isn't a happily ever after - it's really hard and requires a lot of work. It can, and will be difficult at times - and couples will struggle with one issue or another.

Nevertheless, everyone still has some positive thing(s) in their life that they have been given as blessings from HaShem. Recognizing them, expressing gratitude for them, and enjoying them - will produce happiness.

If I recall correctly, Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz wrote in one of his books (I think The Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide to Life) that happiness is never an end goal, a destination to be reached or a stage to achieve, rather it is the journey in life itself.

So no matter what troubles are thrown at you in this often crazy world we live in, there is still something we can all recognize and latch onto that will help us create that self-generated state of happiness.

Of all the things I've learned while married, I must say that this is one of the most important: having Simchas HaChaim. Without it, life can get quite dreary and dreadful.

So let us all strive to elevate our minds, bodies and souls with the simcha of the forthcoming chag of Sukkos, and by internalizing Rav Weinberg's ideas, let us choose to be happy, and hopefully we can carry that simcha with us throughout the rest of the year.

Teshuva: Make One Small Change

I heard this idea presented tonight before Ma'ariv.

The speaker (one of the members of the local kollel) mentioned that his brother-in-law had an idea for a business. Since everyone knows that the air of Israel makes a person wise (Bava Basra 158B), he wanted to sell bottles of Israeli air to tourists. Whenever they needed a burst of smartness, such as the night before a test, they'd open the bottle and breathe in the inspirational air.

Of course, this wouldn't really work as a practical financial venture, but it does work with regard to doing teshuva.

The Ba'alei Mussar write that an effective way to do teshuva is to make one small, consistent change to one's life. The speaker quoted his rebbe in Israel as commenting that the best time to take this small change upon oneself is to do it during Ne'ilah, when you really feel the power and awe of HaShem's kingship and the overall spiritual rush of the conclusion of Yom Kippur. By doing this, you are effectively capturing that moment of spiritual elevation and inspiration in your own small bottle.

Every time you perform this small change - every day - it's as though you will be sampling some of the power you captured from that moment of acceptance during Ne'ilah. Each day, you will, to a small degree, re-experience that feeling of spiritual fortitude and inspiration. By doing this small thing every day, you create a link that strings together all the days of the coming year that leads back to that awe-inspiring moment of Ne'ilah.

And that is how you can create an effective change that will have a lasting impact - from this Ne'ilah to the next.

From Adam To David

This Dvar Torah started formulating in my head a short while ago as I started getting ready for Shabbos, and I had to share it.

Here we are, fresh off of Teshuva Season 2012/5773. We made it through Elul with its selichos, crowned HaShem King on Rosh Hashana, endured the fast and fully repented on Yom Kippur, behaved as best as we could to ensure our inscription in the Book of Good Life was delivered on Hoshana Rabba, then celebrated with HaShem and His Torah over Shemini Atzeres and Simchas Torah.

Now what?

Chazal, in their wisdom, developed our Torah reading practice to end on Simchas Torah (or Shemini Atzeres for those in the Holy Land), and right away we begin with the introductory portion of Bereishis, the very first Parsha of the Chumash.

While there is much substance to the notion of showing our collective love and dedication to G-d's Torah so soon after our Days of Awe, I think that there is a more nuanced, deeper lesson to be derived as well.

One of the most infamous incidents of the entire Tanach takes place in this week's Parsha. Shortly after being informed that they can eat of any tree in the Garden of Eden except for the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Bad, Chava and subsequently Adam violate that commandment after some insidious plotting by the snake.

When confronted with their transgression, Adam, then Chava play the blame game. He points to her, she points to the snake, and everyone receives their particular punishment.

So soon after our annual Teshuva Season, we read of the very first humans and their example of how NOT to do Teshuva.

Instead of owning up to his own poor choice, Adam deflects responsibility entirely:

And the man said: 'The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.' (Bereishis 3:12)

Upon hearing this accusation, G-d turns to Chava for her response,

And the L-RD G-d said unto the woman: 'What is this thou hast done?' And the woman said: 'The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.' (3:13)

G-d doesn't even give the snake a chance to defend itself, and starts off right away doling out punishment, beginning with the snake and moving onto Chava and then Adam.

On a literary side point - note the nifty repetition and reversal of the order of subjects: Adam is told the commandment and tells it to Chava who then repeats it to the snake, the snake convinces Chava who convinces Adam, G-d goes to Adam who blames Chava who blames the snake, and then G-d distributes punishment starting at the snake, then to Chava and back to Adam.

What should have happened?

Adam should have fessed up for his bad decision, not shifted the blame to his wife and partner. Chava in turn should have admitted to her own wrongdoing at choosing to follow the admittedly negative intentions of the snake.

Where do we see a model of this sort of proper teshuva, where the sinner admits to his transgression right away without batting an eye or rationalizing his behavior?

David Hamelech.

Centuries later, in the story told in Shmuel Bet chapters 11 and 12, David notices Batsheva, wife of Uria HaChiti and desires her. They sleep together, David subsequently has Uria sent off to die on the front lines of battle via his general Yoav, and he marries Batsheva. HaShem is not happy with this turn of events, for David has committed a most egregious sin.

HaShem sends the prophet Natan to rebuke David via a parable of a rich man stealing a poor man's lone lamb, which stirs up feelings of justice, leading him to say the rich man in the story should be put to death for his sin. Natan turns to David and says that he is the rich man of the story and he has sinned by having Uria killed and marrying Batsheva. He goes on to describe the forthcoming, very public and very damaging punishment that David has earned for his secretive sin.

Without any hesitation, and without batting an eye, King David immediately replies two words (12:13): "Chatasi LaShem" - "I have sinned against G-d."

Now THAT is teshuva.

The effectiveness of King David's teshuva is immediate:

And Nathan said unto David: 'The L-RD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. (12:13)

King David does not escape all punishment, and the child he has conceived with Batsheva will become sick and die. While he fasts and prays for mercy on behalf of his son while the child is ill, immediately after he dies, King David gets up from his fasting, washes, dresses, goes to the House of HaShem and bows, returns to his own home and eats, thus resuming his role of King of Israel.

His servants are baffled at the sudden diametrical shift in behavior. But King David replies to their questions by stating:

And he said: 'While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said: Who knoweth whether the L-RD will not be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.' (12:22-23).

Even after the tragic fulfillment of the punishment decreed by G-d, King David remains steadfast in his Teshuva. He knows there is the possibility that HaShem may show mercy, and still he accepts the judgement that has been passed on him because of his actions. He goes on to comfort his wife, Batsheva, and they later conceive Shlomo - his eventual successor to the throne.

We are human, and we will make mistakes and choose wrongly on occasion - just as we see with the very first humans beings created. It's part of our imperfect nature. HaShem knew this before we even existed, hence the Gemara in Pesachim 54A where Chazal tell us that Teshuva was one of the few things HaShem found important enough to create before our physical universe came into being.

Perhaps this connection further supports the Midrash in Yalkut Shimoni (Bereshis 41) that discusses how Adam was originally supposed to live for 1000 years, while King David was only supposed to live for 3 hours. Adam was told this information, and willingly "donated" 70 years of his life to David.

I don't know when this exchange took place, but based on what we've seen above, I would venture to say that it takes place after Adam ate from the Tree of Knowledge and received his punishment. It could very well be that Adam's motivation in doing so was also prophetically motivated - just as he knew David was supposed to live for such a short time, he saw David's potential and how he could become a role model for Teshuva in a way that Adam himself could and did not.

Let us take to heart the model of Teshuva as embodied by David HaMelech and not fall to playing the blame game as Adam and Chava did. In doing so, we can maintain the momentum of the growth and inspiration that we achieved during Teshuva Season 5773 - and even when we take a misstep here and there, we can bounce back with full repentance and further develop our devotion and connection to G-d.

Thank G-d For All I Missed...?

While a lot of modern secular music today is utter trash - full of nivul peh, discussions about physical relationships, women's bodies, lustful desires and other inappropriate topics not worth singing about, there are still a few gems out there.

For some reason, on the days I've gotten tired of listening to the few Jewish Music CDs I have in my car (my older model vehicle doesn't have a multi-disc CD changer), I've been gravitating toward the local country station. Yes, go ahead and laugh if you'd like, but there are some very moving and inspirational songs to be found there. At the very least, there are definitely more worthwhile songs there than on the popular "90's, 2K, and today" stations.

I stumbled upon a song called "This" by Darius Rucker, once known many years ago for his band Hootie and the Blowfish (and their classic song "I Only Wanna Be With You").

In short, it's about a man reflecting on where life has taken him - or not taken him - along with his recognition and gratitude to G-d for arranging things the way they've happened. Despite the many setbacks and disappointments he's experienced, from the seemingly minor red traffic lights or the more major heartbreaks suffered from relationships that didn't work out - he's thankful for what he has and appreciates his life as it is.

I don't really know how I got here

But I'm sure glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing

Could've changed all of it

How often do we take a step back to think about the process that led us to where we are now? I know I did this a lot when I was in yeshiva in Israel, and I began to see how many of the little, often complicated pieces of my life all came together to allow me to spend time learning in the holiest place on earth. 

Of course, life being as busy as it always is, I fell out of that mindset after I got back to America and YU. Not only did I not think about the positive things or circumstances that brought me to where I was, my mind veered the other way entirely, and began to focus on the negative happenings that upset or disrupt my life. I am embarrassed to say that after some time, I seemed to focus on a string of negative experiences that appeared linked together - for the purpose of dragging me down.

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned

Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man

Despite all that, there is so much to be thankful for - no matter how rough or frustrating life may become. Man's plans can go totally awry, but nevertheless, it will work out in the end, if we give it time and proper consideration.

We can apply these thoughts to any area in life, but they are especially suited to dating, marriage and personal relationships. Often, when we get frustrated with how this are of our lives is going, we become resentful, wondering why we have to go through so much for seemingly so little gain - or what appears to be no gain at all. Yet, we don't know what will happen a year from now, six months from now, a week from now or even tomorrow. Things can and do turn around in ways that we don't expect because we aren't privy to the whole picture.

I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense

It may not make "perfect" sense, since nothing in our human realm is ever really perfect, especially our understanding of how life works, but it will make some worthwhile sense.

One day, hopefully sooner than later, the process of dating, meeting people, forming connections, making phone call after phone call, dressing up and going out again and again will come to an end.

For those of us who are already married, I can speak from personal experience that marriage is definitely a beginning rather than an ending, with its own trials and tribulations,  its highs and lows, the full spectrum of emotions. Figuring all that out, discovering more about your new life partner as well as learning more about yourself and how you work - which you would NEVER have thought through as a single person, can be maddening.

All the fights and tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never go through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you

Yet, if we all take a step back and try to see the bigger picture we can be appreciative of what we have and how we got here. The journey may be rough at times, but we're still here, right? For every opportunity you've had but lost, felt like you failed, or reached a hopeless dead end, think more deeply and wonder where you were able to go on from there, precisely because of this roadblock that frustrated you at the time.

Don't think about what could have been had you succeeded there, because there is no use crying over spilled milk. What did you do in that situation? How did you move on and to where? More importantly, where are you now? How did that event affect you, positively or negatively and lead you to where you are and who you have become? Did you use those "missed" opportunities for what they really were - a chance for growth, or did you stew in misery? Even if you didn't learn something then, what can you learn from it to apply to life in the here and now?

All the doors I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank G-d for all I missed
Because it led me here to this

This mindset is particularly appropriate for the month of Elul, when we should be focusing on the past year and the things we've done and experienced. If we can see our mistakes and other negative moments in life in a positive light, to draw strength and inspiration from them, we can use that to turn even our aveiros into mitzvos, regretting the negative but learning from our actions to propel us forward into a better, more informed future.

May we all appreciate all the things we've missed, tap into that source of inspiration for the good.

The King Awaits

Life's been a bit hectic since Rosh Hashana and I haven't had much time to blog, despite having received numerous ideas and bits of inspiration over the course of Yom Tov and Shabbos. I had to share an interesting notion that occurred to me as I examined the tefillos from Rosh Hashana (and afterward) related to HaShem's role as our King.

Many times in the past, different rabbeim/shiurim/divrei Torah have described the interrelated dual roles that HaShem has in relation to the Jewish People, which can be summed up as Avinu Malkeinu - Our Father, Our King.

HaShem's fatherly role is described as merciful, compassionate, forgiving, the aspect of Him in which we will find Rachamim and forgiveness for our mistakes and misdeeds.

His Kingly aspect is described as one of judgement - din, which is more strict, unyielding, the attribute by which we are held to a high standard and held accountable for our actions. He is the True King, the Holy King, The King of Judgement, among others appellations.

We even discuss the idea of HaShem moving from His throne of Din (Malkeinu) to the throne of Rachamim (Avinu) when we merit a nation-wide atonement on Yom Kippur. He is, as we say in the 2nd bracha before Shema in the morning, "Av Harachamim" - "the merciful Father" and we don't just stop there, but add "Who acts mercifully," emphasizing the aspect of mercy with HaShem our Father. (The title Av Harachamim is found elsewhere in other tefillos, too).

However, as I began to review the Rosh Hashana Davening, the insertions added during the 10 Days of Repentance, and the regular Shabbos/weekday davening, I began to notice that this strict dichotomy wasn't always true. Especially with regard to HaShem's Kingship, which is actually described in terms very different from a strict sense of retributive justice.

In the first insertion during Magen Avraham we describe HaShem as "the King who desires life." Requesting that the King write us in the book of life isn't counterintuitive - the King judges, and we can either merit to be in the book of life or the bo0k of death (chas v'shalom, lo aleinu). Yet, the King desires life!

In the second bracha of Shemonah Esrei, we describe HaShem as the King who causes death - which is a fact, since death originates as a decree from Him. Yet, He is also the King Who "restores life and makes salvation sprout," which seems (to me) to be of greater emphasis, and again an indication of our King's merciful tendencies.

In Ya'aleh V'yavo, we conclude be describing HaShem as "the gracious and compassionate King" - going so far to describe the Melech as "Rachum" - which we typically associate with our Father. There is clearly some underlying currents here that indicate a greater unity among HaShem's Fatherly and Kingly attributes. A similar wording is found in the bracha Haskiveinu after Shema at Ma'ariv and in one of the Tashlich prayers.

In the paragraph from the Yom Tov Mussaf, "Mipnei Chata'einiu," we again refer to HaShem as "Melech Rachaman" - the Merciful King.

In Selach Lanu we ask our Father to forgive our errors, and our King to pardon our willful sins.

We find in Refa'einu that our King is "the faithful and compassionate Healer."

Lastly, we find in Shalom Rav that HaShem is the King, "Master of all peace." Not the King who judges and creates strife with harsh sentences, but One who creates peace for all of Israel.

I'm sure there are others I've missed. This is not meant to be a comprehensive list, but rather me shining a spotlight on an idea I had not heard of until I stumbled upon it myself.

If anyone has any more references or knows Talmudic/rabbinical sources that further discuss this fascinating notion (or at least fascinating to me) please share it in the comments.

So as we approach Yom Kippur and ask forgiveness of our Father, Our King, let us all have in mind the mercy and compassion that is utterly characteristic of HaShem, and pray that we all receive proper atonement (through proper teshuva) and merit being seal in the Book of Good Life.

To anyone I may have offended this past year with anything I wrote, I am sorry. I am especially sorry for my sometimes harsh responses/temper, in particular The Professor and Burnt Dreadlocks, for which I humbly apologize for my lack of emotional control in responding to their comments.

I hope that 5772 can be a year free of divisiveness and ill-feelings. Let us all use blogs and everything else we do in our lives, to sow harmony and unity amongst Klal Yisrael. May this year be the year - Tihiye Shana Ad Bichlal - the year that features the inclusion of the conclusion of the galus (no more galus!) and the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, Bimheira Biyameinu.

Amein, Kein Yehi Ratzon!

Teshuva Season 5771 Thoughts

Every year since the inception of this blog, I have endeavored to relate some of my thoughts during the teshuva season (check them out here: 5770, 5769) hoping to gather together my mental ponderings in some coherent fashion from which I can draw inspiration and share with others as well.

While previous years have been somewhat similar, though nuanced in their own ways, this year in particular is very different. This is the first time I've approached Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur as a married man. No longer am I the single guy in yeshiva/college struggling on my own to maintain and improve my spirituality. I am no longer alone, and am not the only person that my actions affect. I can no longer do what what I want without thinking of repercussions that extend beyond my own personal space. Almost akin to being pregnant, everything I did and do has some effect on my wife, ASoG, whether I want it to or not, regardless of what my intentions were.

I was trying find some way to express this eloquently, and it turns out I was lucky enough to discover something Rav Avigdor Nebenzahl wrote in his "Thoughts for the Month of Elul" that very concisely captures the sentiments I wanted to convey in writing:

I once heard from my illustrious teacher and Rav, Hagaon Chaim Shmuelevitz, zt"l, that the subject of interpersonal relationships may be compared to fire. One who hurts his friend is like a person who thrusts his hand into fire. His intentions are irrelevant; he is burnt whether he wanted to extinguish the fire or intensify it. (180)

With all due respect to Rav Nebenzahl, I understood what Rav Shmuelevitz wrote in a fashion differently than he goes on to elaborate.

When we are single, though we are obligated in mitzvos, both interpersonal and between ourselves and G-d, ultimately the nexus of our world is limited to who we are and how things affect us. True, we have friends and parents, teachers and rabbeim, but when we are going through the al chait's on Yom Kippur, we are ultimately thinking about all the sinful things we did for and to ourselves. My choice to transgress a particular aveira drags me down in my development and avodas HaShem. I made a mistake, I stumbled, and now I must pick myself up, brush off my dirtied clothing, and do my best to continue onward in a way that will make me a better, more observant and spiritually in-tuned person.

However, once you stand under the chupah, your actions and their consequences are no longer intrinsically limited to what they do to you and how they alter your mind and soul. Everything you do, by yourself, or especially in interactions with your spouse, have a profound affect on him/her and your relationship.

If I, as a single guy, decide to sleep late and miss davening Shacharis with a minyan, my guilt is limited to my poor choice and the improper start to my morning. If I skip Shacharis as a married man, I have not only taken away merit from my spouse, disappointed her expectations of a religiously observant husband, and by lowering myself because of my selfish decision to indulge my physical being with a few more minutes of shut-eye - I've downgraded our overall spirituality as well.

Further, as Rav Shmuelevitz said via Rav Nebenzahl - my intentions for my actions don't really matter as much as they used to. I can be the judge of my own actions when I am not directly affecting anyone else, I know I did my best, I wanted to do good, and I can feel content that I may have tried my best or given a decent effort, or excused my performance in a particular area of life. But when I am interacting with the one other person who now shares my entire existence, these sort of lame self-excuses don't cut it.

I may have said or done something in the usual way that I always did in the past, which never seemed offensive or harmful to me, or that my friends never took offense from - but my spouse may very well have perceived things quite differently. That one comment that you think is jokey might actually be a great insult in her eyes. The way I conducted myself in a particular area may have seemed quite normal and appropriate to me, but she saw it as rude and insensitive. I can offend and hurt without any intention to do so whatsoever, and it does me no good to try and explain things afterwards, rationalizing that what I did was not meant to hurt, because that does very little to remove the pain I've caused by my lack of understanding.

What needs to be done in a marriage, and more broadly in every relationship, is to do our very best to be aware at all times of how things we do and say are perceived. Perception truly is everything, and as justified as a particular action might be in my own eyes, if my wife thinks it was a horrible thing to do, and that it seemed like I was expressing something negative and harmful to her - I am at fault for my lack of vision and consideration. Even little things, which we can consider generally unimportant, can have impact beyond our understanding.

I do not mean to say that we all have to be absolutely perfect at every single moment, since such a thing is impossible. Certainly, one's spouse should also do his/her best to have patience and consider what might have been the intent behind an action or statement that seemed offensive and damaging. We all make mistakes, and we all must be dan lekaf zechus in the best way that we can - especially with our wives and husbands. Nevertheless, because of the sensitive nature of this relationship, which is closer and more intense than any other, both from a spiritual and physical standpoint, we must be on our toes and on our best behavior at every moment that we can be.

Yes, we are sometimes exhausted by our day, or can legitimately be upset with our spouse, and in those moments we require some reciprocal consideration from him/her, but we should also be cognizant of what we are doing and how we are being perceived. Being able to recognize what is happening and how our tone, demeanor or actions are seen, and putting forth the conscious effort to be able to say, "Hi honey. I know it looks like I'm upset and frustrated - it's because I am. I just want you to know that while I am dealing with these emotions that I say or do something that seems intentional out to get you, please recognize that it's merely me working through my feelings and I never want to hurt you in any way."

Again, this doesn't excuse every thing we might do intentionally or unintentionally that hurts our spouse, but it certainly sets the stage for him/her to give us some space and to be considerate that what we do and say was not really meant as an attack.

Marriage is a huge undertaking and a tremendous life-changing process. No one is truly ready to be married from the chupah and everyone makes mistakes. ASoG and I have had our share of disagreements and conflicts, but we have exerted a great amount of effort to understand one another, discuss where each of us may have gone wrong, and how we can learn from these moments to make ourselves better and more dedicated to serving the other as our #1 priority in life.

I don't think I've ever approached a Yom Kippur with as much trepidation as I will this year. Any transgressions I've committed against ASoG are not only bein adam l'chaveiro, but also (as reflected in the Kesuba and numerous quotes from Chazal) bein adam l'Makom. I may have many things to answer for from my own shortcomings and short-sightedness, but I have also grown and benefited from this ongoing and developing relationship.

My love for ASoG has transcended anything I ever considered to be love before we got married. Things are now far more real, meaningful and significant than the naive, giddiness of dating and being engaged. Life can be hard sometimes, but the essential thing is to focus on supporting and being supported by your spouse. We've had some rough spots here and there, which every married couple does, but we've persevered, grown stronger and more connected because of our struggles.

May we all focus on achieving a greater sensitivity toward our spouses and everyone else in our lives this year. May everyone who is already married be able to achieve true Shalom Bayis through hard and successful work together. May everyone who is not yet zoche to experience these rewarding challenges soon find their zivug and start their own journeys through life together. And may we all achieve levels of personal Shalom Bayis that will bring the ultimate Shalom Bayis for all of klal Yisrael, with the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, bimheira biyameinu.

Yom Kippur Musings

Yom Kippur is a different experience for me each year as I get older. When I was very young, I stayed at home and played with my cousins while my parents went to shul. As I became a bit older, I went with my parents for Kol Nidre and part of the day, but ended up walking home in the afternoon and stayed there until they came home for our break-the-fast party. After I became bar-mitzvah, I went with my parents to shul both night and day, but used to come home during the break - until I realized how pointless and tiring that was - after which I stayed in shul the entire day.

Then my 2 years in Israel changed everything, and Yom Kippur became the epitome of spiritual experiences. Sufficed to say, davening right next to the Kodash Kodashim in a beis medrish full of yeshiva students, alumni, rabbeim, and roshei yeshiva will do that to you.

I was always worried about matching that incredible uplifting feeling in America, but suprisingly enough, Yom Kippur at my hometown shul was incredible my first year back, and has only gotten better each year, believe it or not.

This year I managed to start the night off right by not over-drinking water during the seudah hamafsekes, and instead sufficed with a typical amount of water accompanied by a lot of grapes. A friend's mother once told me about the slow-release hydration effect of grapes when I was eating the seudah hamafsekes with his family before Tisha B'Av - and it works! I had my Rav Soloveitchik machzor to inspire me with its enlightening commentary, and a full stomach that allowed me to fully focus on the task at hand. The davening was lively and engaging, and our chazan was on the top of his game, and davening was over before I knew it. I was so absorbed that I didn't notice the time flying by.

One thing I've noticed since I started going to Kol Nidre with my parents many years ago was that the temperature outside on the walk back home has always been noticeably cooler than the day before, even that very afternoon. It certainly makes the long walk to our house (around a mile) much more enjoyable. It's an amazing sight to see dozens of Jews walking down the road in little groups - even those who may not necessarily walk to shul every Shabbos decides to partake in the festive return home.

I used to be a little puzzled at the happy atmosphere that pervaded the trip from shul, but after doing a good bit of reading about the chag, Yom Kippur is actually quite a happy time, particularly with the assured national forgiveness. So regardless if people realize that fact or not, the jovial feelings in abundance were quite appropriate.

After I woke up this morning, I found the temperature outdoors to be skin-tingling cool. This fall season is my absolute favorite weather. The warm sun at your back, and the cool breeze blowing through you - sending a bit of a shiver down your spine, almost as though your it touched your soul. Contemplating things on the spiritual side; if Yom Kippur is indeed the day that G-d is most available and closest to us in proximity, is it any wonder that walking through the sudden, cool breeze feels other-worldly? It is almost as though a gentle embrace fills the air. Even if you're caught off guard by the coolness, the warm sun acts as a balance, and the two feelings swirl around you like a palpable aura of sorts. The exhilarating sensation is wholly unique and rather pleasing. I've only experienced this sort of weather in my hometown, and thankfully the season lasts a good few weeks into November.

Although I started off the morning a bit tired, I seemed to gain momentum over the course of the day, with my physical strength for standing up and mental clarity to access proper kavana for davening increasing steadily as the day went on. Rather than fighting to remain on my feet for all of Ne'ilah (it was a custom of my grandfather to stand the entire time of Ne'ilah, regardless of how he was feeling, as a segulah for the new year), I had no trouble at all. I didn't have a headache and I wasn't hungry.

Maybe this was a tiny preview of what it is truly like to be sustained from the radiance of the Shechina, to feed off of that intense power like the angels - which is what we strive to emulate through our self denial and afflictions. By reducing the strength of our physical self, the spiritual inner being is given the chance to shine through and become dominant once a year. If that's really what I tapped into, then I look forward to an even better experience next year!

I think this was also the first Yom Kippur where I was aware of my own short-comings in much greater detail, and spent a lot of time meditating on the Ashamnu listing and the Al Chayts, with specific incidents in mind. I felt much more connected to the davening and had a greater ability to summon remorse, as well as the resolve to do even better this year. I highly recommend checking out the extended Vidui commentary that is featured in the back of the Artscroll Machzor (also available as a separate pamphlet for those with other machzorim). Taking the time to read the entire thing, even if it makes you a bit late for the chazan's repetition, is totally worth it.

Stepping back to Elul, I think this year's "teshuva season" was more effective for me than in years past. One thing that helped me focus on the entire process was viewing the shofar blow each morning from a slightly different perspective. Instead of merely the soul stirring wake-up call that many perceive the shofar as, I thought of it as what it really is in essence, a war-horn, summoning the troops to muster up their strength for one final push toward victory.

Imagine if you will, a battlefield strewn with loose weapons, broken armor, and bodies of fallen soldiers. Many, many men of war lie sprawled out on the blood stained earth, seemingly lifeless.

Then one fellow, of the not-quite-dead-yet variety, sits up and rises to one knee. He strains, reaches behind him and yanks at the bugle horn strapped over his shoulder. Drawing in a breath that fills his lungs' maximum capacity, he lets loose with everything he has left. A piercing blast rings in the air of the hazy battlefield.

Eyes suddenly open on the faces of men long thought dead, beaten and brutalized by the overbearing enemy forces. Slowly, tired and bruised limbs shudder to life, and the soldiers reach out for their weapons that lay in the dirt nearby. One by one, and then in pairs and larger groups, the valiant army rises to its feet once again. Some stretch strained muscles, others readjust their armor fitting, yet others brush off the filth that stains their uniforms.

The courageous leader, who had seemingly been lost in combat, draws his sword and walks to the front of his reassembled forces. The men look from one to the other, weary smiles spreading across their sweat-stained faces. The general lifts his sabre in the air and pumps his sword-arm. The men answer as one, a great renewed fervor that is their wordless oath to pursue the invaders until they are have defended their homeland. The signal is given, and the revitalized army races to confront their enemy, their forthcoming victory the only thought on their minds.

For me, at any rate, this image was more inspiring in my own personal efforts to correct my mistakes and misdeeds of this past year. Sometimes it can be very hard to really effect any improvement when one becomes bogged down in regret over the past, which leads into the over-burdening sense of just how bad things have gotten. As HaRav Reuven Feinstein shlita said in his mussar schmooze at the new Glueck Beis Medrish - you have to focus on the positive things first, build yourself up a bit, and then focus on what needs fixing.

I found it more effective to perceive the shofar as a call of inspiration not to give up; that it was time to muster up the strength for a final push against the yetzer hara (and as many seforim write, the conflict with the yetzer hara IS a war). True, I may have stumbled here and there, even during Elul and during the Aseres Y'mai Teshuva (I certainly can't claim perfection as a character trait), but I felt much more motivated to get back up and continue to fight.

Yom Kippur was the final battle, and the tekiah at the end of Ne'ilah the victory signal. I really felt, almost on a physical level, as though some spiritual element was vacating my sense of awareness. A kind of emptiness began setting in as everything returned to the normal everyday-ness of life. While it may be true that the intensity of the spiritual high that has been building up through Yom Kippur is no longer there, the task at hand now is to look toward the near-future and grab onto Sukkos. As Rav Simon mentioned in his most recent parsha shiur, the shift from Yom Kippur's teshuva me'yirah transforms into Sukkos' teshuva me'ahava. The simcha of the chag becomes a rallying point for spiritual ascention.

Hopefully we can all carry the spiritual high we felt on Yom Kippur into an incredible and simcha-filled Sukkos, thereby making sure we get off to a great start in 5770!

Gut voch and Gut Yor to all.