Happiness Is An Avodah

I heard this idea presented in shul tonight.

We all want to be happy. Most people strive to achieve happiness, but stumble and struggle, and are even discouraged that they may ever be truly happy.

Image Source: http://www.deliveringhappiness.com/12-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Often enough, however, we tend to think that the source of our happiness comes from some external source. If only we had X, Y, or Z - then we'd really be happy. But, because we don't have those things right now, we aren't happy, and we believe that we can't be happy without them.

Rav Yaakov Weinberg Z'tl said that this is a harmful train of thought. By declaring that you can't be happy because you don't currently have X, Y, or Z - you are deciding for yourself not to be happy. Happiness shouldn't be dependent on something external to us. Rather, it is self-generated from within our own minds and souls.

Rav Weinberg elaborated on this theme, saying that this is one of the reasons why Sukkos, known as Zman Simchaseinu - the Time of our Happiness - follows Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, a rather somber and serious period of time. First, we recognize HaShem is our King, and then we plead for our lives from the Ultimate Judge - which doesn't leave a lot of room to focus on happiness.

However this process of going through the Yomim Nora'im is meant to help us recognize a thought pattern that we should ingrain into our daily lives. What brings us true happiness should be the realization that HaShem is indeed, our King, and we are His servants. By doing His requested acts of service, namely the Mitzvos, we will be productive and rewarded, and our internal happiness will stem from our spiritual connection and relationship with HaShem.

Happiness is part of our Avodah of HaShem. It takes hard work, like any Avodah, but we will be better off because of it.

~~~

While thinking about this idea, my mind started making other connections and expansions on the concept.

I know I myself have often focused on external things that I believed, once I attained them, would bring me happiness, but in reality, happiness needs to be self-generated. Whatever stage we are in life - single, dating, engaged, married, parents, grandparents - there is always bound to be something not quite perfect, something lacking in what we expected to have at this stage.

The most stereotypical example is someone engaged and soon-to-be married.

He or she often believes that as soon as they leave the chuppah for the yichud room, everything will be glorious, full of rainbows and sunshine. The truth of the matter is, marriage isn't a happily ever after - it's really hard and requires a lot of work. It can, and will be difficult at times - and couples will struggle with one issue or another.

Nevertheless, everyone still has some positive thing(s) in their life that they have been given as blessings from HaShem. Recognizing them, expressing gratitude for them, and enjoying them - will produce happiness.

If I recall correctly, Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz wrote in one of his books (I think The Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide to Life) that happiness is never an end goal, a destination to be reached or a stage to achieve, rather it is the journey in life itself.

So no matter what troubles are thrown at you in this often crazy world we live in, there is still something we can all recognize and latch onto that will help us create that self-generated state of happiness.

Of all the things I've learned while married, I must say that this is one of the most important: having Simchas HaChaim. Without it, life can get quite dreary and dreadful.

So let us all strive to elevate our minds, bodies and souls with the simcha of the forthcoming chag of Sukkos, and by internalizing Rav Weinberg's ideas, let us choose to be happy, and hopefully we can carry that simcha with us throughout the rest of the year.

Requirements For Marriage: Simchas HaChaim

I've been musing about the nature of marriage and what it takes to be successful in this often-stressful, yet rewarding endeavor. We're told from the time we are children that marriage will lead to the fabled "happily ever after" among other fantastical things, but I don't think enough people out there paint a realistic picture of how difficult and challenging spending your life with someone of the opposite gender can be.

To that end, I want to discuss the attitudinal notion of Simchas HaChaim and what it can and should contribute to one's life, both singe and married.

Somewhat loosely translated, Simchas HaChaim means the "Happiness of Life," though I would modify that to "the happiness inherent in life itself."

On a philosophical level, I would explain it as something akin to Joie de Vivre. It's a perspective on life wherein a person finds joy in anything and everything, in simply living, and in the simple as well as the more grandiose things in life.

Marriage, and life as a whole, can be very difficult at times. There is conflict, misunderstanding, unclear communication, mistakes, offenses committed, along with frustration and the occasional feelings of anger.

And despite all this, there is always something to be happy about. Whether it's because the weather is pleasant outside, you've got a roof over your head and a comfortable bed to sleep in, there's plenty of food on your table and in your fridge, you can't figure out what outfit to wear from your collection of clothing, or you physically feel good without illness or aches and pains.

I think that Simchas HaChaim means to be able to find these sources of brightness that lift you up and bring some cheer to your mind and soul.

Therefore, even if you've just had a big argument with your spouse, something you were looking forward to didn't pan out, or life took an unexpected and disappointing downturn (sudden or otherwise) - you might be rattled, but on the whole you can overcome the present difficulty by putting it into its compartment in your mind, and continue living.

Sure, everyone gets overwhelmed at times, especially when so many things have gone "wrong" and we feel trapped or stuck with nowhere and no one to turn to. We all have those moments where things kind of break down and we're at our lowest emotionally and psychologically. However, I tend to think that in most normal lives this occurs only on the rare occasion and not with any regularity. If someone feels like this the majority of the time, then I would hope and pray that he/she gets the professional help he/she needs.

Being able to handle the ups and downs of life, being able to find something to smile about despite everything else, is one of the main keys to being successful both in life, and in marriage. Without this, a person can become disheartened and begin to doubt him/herself, marriage, and life itself. That's when you need your spouse to help lift you up and out of the darkness. The ability to do that has a lot to do with the dynamics of communication - which is another important key to success in marriage, but that's a topic for its own post.

I very strongly urge all the readers to explore your own sense of Simchas HaChaim, to understand how your individual emotional and mental attitudes and states of being function, and to find that inner sense of happiness with life.

Happiness is not a goal, but rather the enjoyment of the ride that life presents us, wherever we may go.

Cultivating a sense of how we can recognize and summon that sense of internally motivated happiness is extremely important, and will provide a wellspring of inner strength to endure and grow from the often bumpy road of life.

May we all achieve an understanding of our personal Simchas HaChaim, and may that lead us all to happy lives and happy marriages.

Judging Yourself While Dating

Looking Within

This post was born from some ruminations in my head about people going out with others who veer away from their personal standard of "normal," and how to come to terms with such differences/conflicts/complications.

Case in point - you've always been an omnivore, enjoying both meat and dairy (as well as vegetables) as part of your diet for 20-something years, and suddenly you find yourself on a date, or perhaps in an even a more serious relationship, with an individual who will not, per his/her beliefs, or cannot, per his/her biological constitution, eat the same foods you've always enjoyed at mealtime. Whether he/she does not eat meat at all, red meat, dairy or some other comestible you've come to define as a staple of your regular diet, you are now presented with a conflict of interests.

Does this person mean enough to me, given the rest of his/her personality, middos, dreams, desires, needs, etc, that I can handle this deviation from my norm?

Perhaps you've been one of the fortunate individuals who has always known what it means to have a loving home with two married parents, and the biological parents of this person sitting across the table from you haven't lived in the same home since your date was 5, or fought like cats and dogs until their bitter divorce a few years ago. This clearly has had some impact on your date, molded the way he/she has grown and developed, shaped his/her perspectives in ways you probably can't begin to comprehend.

Does this worry you, frighten you? Do you think about those statistics you read about regarding children from divorced parents being more likely to become divorced themselves?

These are simply two examples, among countless others, which can create mind-twisting dilemmas for daters.

The key to navigating these "deviations" from the norm - or rather, your norm - is to stop and turn inward. Your date's norm is clearly different from your own, and by the standard with which you were raised and have experienced life, they may be lacking or even seemingly "problematic" in some form, based on your own experience.

But that's not the way to determine if he/she can be a worthwhile spouse.

The key is to remain objective about your date, and his/her differences - assuming he/she is otherwise healthy, not plagued by harmful emotional imbalance or utterly unrealistic expectations that border on impossible and perhaps dangerous fantasy - and to judge yourself, not your date.

Hopefully, your date will be forthcoming, given the appropriate timing and length of the courtship, with all the ins and outs about him/her, including things that may not be viewed in such a positive light. Real marriage consideration requires knowing the whole picture, warts and all, and determining if YOU can live with this other reality as part of your own.

It is not for us to judge someone who comes from a broken home, automatically labeling him/her as damaged goods. They are what they are, and that is factual. Hopefully, he/she has learned to be resilient and grown from potentially negative experiences, rather than allow them to remain as destructive or caustic influences in his/her life - regardless if the issue or persons involved have become entirely resolved. One can live with a disruptive parental figure by placing the appropriate boundaries and developing healthy emotional reactions that maintain one's own sense of well-being, notwithstanding the parent's anger or personal imbalance. Such a person can also learn from positive parenting role models, and through self-introspection, develop a form of beneficial parenting that he/she would like to embody for his/her own future children, distinct from what was seen during his/her childhood and being actively cognizant not to fall to the trap of the modes of parenting he/she experienced.

What one needs to do as a dater is to look within. Given the reality of the person sitting across from me, can I acknowledge, accept, adapt and live with the challenges, difficulties, and "abnormalities" that are being presented to me, and will be a part of my future life should I choose to marry this person?

The decision regarding "can I handle this?" should not negatively impact on your view of your date. No one is perfect, and we are mandated to judge everyone favorably.

If you end up deciding your date is not appropriate for you, based on your self introspection, your choice shouldn't hinder your ability to suggest this person to others you may know - and allow them to evaluate the potential of their match with your former date without preconceived negative impressions that you may want to pass along.

Judging yourself, rather than your date is not an easy thing to do. But it's essential to figuring out the marriage potential of the relationship. You can't expect a person to change or willingly alter their habits and attitudes to match your own to prevent conflict. Take into consideration who they are and what they're about, and see how well it fits you and your ability to act in consonance with another person as a life partner.

Part 2 coming soon.

Marry Jewish: Our Future Is In Your Hands.

Today I read an op-ed piece on The Jewish Daily Forward by Jane Eisner titled "For 2013, A Marriage Agenda," thanks to a link on Hirhurim's news postings.

Eisner's piece is thoughtful, and thought provoking, especially for those of us who know, are friends with, or perhaps related to Jews who are not particularly observant and are rather free-spirited when it comes to who they date and who they would consider marrying.

As I mentioned at the end of my post The Shanda of "Chrismukkah," I believe that intermarriage is perhaps the worst thing an individual Jew can do nowadays, because he or she is actively choosing to betray his or her own people, friends, family, and parents.

Eisner cites the statistics of later marriage period, and thus fewer marriages and fewer births, which combine with a 1/3 to 1/2 of those unions being intermarriage, are set to decimate (and are decimating) the non-Orthodox Jewish population.

While some people in various circles of our Torah Observant populace might turn their nose up and announce that our less observant brethren are getting just what they deserve - and as soon as they're all gone the "frum" people will be the only ones left to define and embody Judaism - I say we have to stop this madness before so many unique, precious people are lost to the sands of time.

One particular paragraph in Eisner's piece struck me:

But this acceptance — some call it assimilation — comes at a price we are not willing to acknowledge, which I believe endangers the future of egalitarian, progressive American Judaism. And we don’t know what to do. Parents do not want to alienate their children with what may seem like outdated prejudices, while religious authorities, such as they are, are reluctant to judge for fear of rejection. We hope that those coming into our community will compensate for all who leave, but they won’t. We pour money into free 10-day trips to Israel with the not-so-hidden agenda of promoting inmarriage, and they do a little. But such “success” comes at a huge monetary cost, with the added risk of tying Jewishness only to Israel — hardly a winning argument in today’s political environment.

Without expressly admitting it, I think this indicates who the primary people at fault are: the parents.

For years, in personal communication with people in my hometown community and elsewhere, I've been decrying how much the parents have negated their responsibility for instilling a firm sense of Jewish identity in their children. This happens in Orthodox homes as well, Modern and not - and is the reason I strongly encourage high school graduates to find the program in Israel that best suits him or her so that they can forge their own Jewish identity of their choosing - one that will be strong enough to combat the pressures of college, wherever they attend, and guide them in a path of recognition and service of G-d that includes marrying a Jewish spouse.

Parents who still have young children need to open their eyes and realize what impact, or lack thereof, they are having on their kids with regard to establishing and creating their own Jewish identity. Children may not want to be exactly like their parents, hashkafically or otherwise, and that needs to be acceptable, rather than a source of discord that pushes their offspring further away and into such a lack of Jewish observance that they intermarry.

Parents who themselves have been fortunate enough to marry a Jewish spouse need to realize that what made them choose to do so will probably have little to no influence on their children. They don't have the grandparents or parents who were immigrants and instilled the basic need of marrying someone Jewish, regardless of how many mitzvos they did or didn't keep. The more these parents keep their heads in the sand, the more they will come to regret a future heartbreak when their son or daughter brings a non-Jew home to meet the parents and their dreams of Jewish grandchildren go up in flames. Even if a daughter ends up marrying a gentile, that does not create an environment which will be conducive to the growth of a hardy Jewish identity, and those grandchildren, though halachically Jewish, will be that much more likely to care very little about having a Jewish husband or wife - and could view their mother as hypocritical for suggesting otherwise.

For the youth, young adults, and adults out there - we need to educate them. Books like Why Marry Jewish? by Rabbi Doron Kornbluth (who I heard speak when this book was released) explain the need to marry-in without beating people over the head with Jewish guilt or more extreme-minded perspectives that can and do turn people off.

Every Jew out there has a spark within, some call it the Pintele Yid, which can and should be engaged. There is bound to be some topic about Judaism that interests the guy or girl you know that can capture their thoughts and imagination. Even if they don't become complete ba'alei teshuva, as wonderful as that would be, averting the disaster of intermarriage is something that needs to be addressed by every single one of us.

Keep our future Jewish. Date Jewish. Marry Jewish. Raise your children to be proud of their Jewish identity. Make it the bedrock of who they are so that they will always choose to build the rest of their lives by that path.

Let's not forsake any more unfortunate souls... we've lost too many already.

YU-Connects To-Go 5773 - Divrei Torah About Dating and Marriage

After a delay due to hurricane Sandy, the YUConnects along with Yeshiva University's Center for the Jewish Future have published a collection of Divrei Torah and professional insights about dating and marriage that are authored by numerous well-respected Roshei Yeshiva, rabbeim, teachers, doctors and professionals.

I am a big of the To-Go booklets of Divrei Torah, and always make sure a batch gets delivered to our shul. If you're lucky, your congregation will have these available shortly, but if they run out or happened to not have ordered any, all the articles are available online to download for free. 

Here are the various different articles and their authors:

• Divrei Bracha from Rabbi Hershel Schachter
• Rabbi Kenneth Brander - "Foreword"
• Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky - "Introduction"
• Rabbi Michael Taubes - "Is there a Mitzvah to Arrange Shidduchim?"
• Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky - "Rejoice Beloved Friends"
• Mrs. Mindy Eisenman - "Communication in Relationships in Tanach: A Paradigm for Others"
• Rabbi Chaim Eisenstein - "The Ultimate Connection: Developing the Necessary Tools for a True Lasting Connection in Your Marriage"
• Rabbi Akiva and Chaya Sima Koenigsberg - "Matchmaking Fees and Beyond"
• Rabbi Ari Sytner - "Our Words: Helpful or Hurtful? Ona'at Devarim in the Singles Community"
• Rabbi Dovid Cohen - "Dating or Waiting: When Am I Ready?"
• Dr. Chani Maybruch - "Essentials to Look for in a Spouse"
• Shana Yocheved Schacter, CSW - "Relationships that Work: Introspection and Expectations"
• Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Schwartz - "Seeking Mr./Mrs. "Perfect": Denying Mr./Mrs. "Right""
• Dr. Sara Barris - "Deepening your Relationship: Dating and Beyond"
• Mrs. Marjorie Glatt, J.D. - "Let's Get Practical! Top Tips for Increasing Matches in Your Community"
• Dr. Nicole Schreiber-Agus, Estie Rose & Chani Wiesman Berliant - "Frequently Asked Questions about Genetic Testing"
• Rabbi Dr. Eddie Reichman - "The Mandate of Genetic Testing"
• Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky - "Points to Ponder: Positive Action Items"

Enjoy! I hope the insights contained in these Divrei Torah and articles will inspire daters and shadchanim alike.

Are Profiles - On And Offline - Hurting Our Dating?

Cnn.com recently posted another very interesting article about what some psychologists have to say about the pitfalls of using online dating - and specifically the issues that arise from relying too much on written dating profiles.

Sound familiar anyone?

I recall times in my dating life where I put too much into what I saw on the computer screen, whether on YUConnects or in a word document sent to me by a friend. I can also remember later points in my dating career wherein I would read a profile, without any real depth, making a brief phone call or two, and going out on a date. In fact, that was how I ended up meeting ASoG.

It seems like the process of trying to make the dating/shidduchim system very rigid and ordered, requiring certain things to be done in terms of the profile, massive investigation, etc make people more focused on the itty bitty details and not on the whole picture of who the person is and how he/she might fit into one's life.

We were recently working with a single friend, acting as her research people for a guy attending YU. After speaking with a friend of his and a Rosh Yeshiva who made some calls on our behalf, we had a good report. The guy has a great family, is very dedicated to his learning, serious about life and has healthy goals for what he wants to accomplish. The "problem" was that he came from a more yeshivish background and ultimately ended up at YU. She couldn't understand why someone would want to do that, given the "greater" opportunities he had had for Torah study when he attended a different yeshiva.

In an effort to spend too much time focusing on specifics in the profile, wondering why this was and why that was - and these were not real red flags of any sort - she almost turned down a great guy simply because he had matured and become his own person hashkafically. The YU Rosh Yeshiva who I spoke to was familiar with both people, said the match was certainly "ballpark" and worthy of at least a first date. I mentioned the concerns our friend had, and he replied that it's best to learn more about those details on a date and not through continued investigation. If, in fact something didn't quite check out after speaking to the person, THEN he said we should do further research.

I think that is a very healthy approach to the whole process. The problem that has arisen, mostly for men, but increasingly for women as well, is that no one seems to have a realistic standard in mind when accepting what's on paper as a potential worthwhile suggestion. Yes, guys are certainly guilty of maintaining lists of girls and their profiles (though I never had such a plethora of suggestions to deal with in the first place), but it's the "traditional" shadchanim who started and encourage this sort of unbecoming behavior. As the system has worsened, the profiles have become less truthful, more standardized, and frankly unreliable at times. This, of course, perpetuates the problem, rather than making things easier.

Do I personally believe in profiles? Yes. I think people should still use them, but only as a barometer for a general sense of who the person is and if he/she passes the threshold for what they are looking for.

An interesting point that the CNN article mentioned was that people often don't even know exactly what they want in a spouse. This is certainly true for beginning daters, because the more you go out and get exposure with different sorts of people and personalities, you begin to learn what does and doesn't work for you - and that includes physical appearances. I know that my own view of what I was looking for changed over the course of my dating career. From recent shadchan related experiences, it seems like there are a number of people out there who have had their needs/wants dictated to them by rabbeim/friends/teachers/family/mentors - and that's horribly wrong. It's one thing to say you need someone who has good middos and is caring, which I think everyone can agree on - but getting specific in suggesting/requiring a particular lifestyle (IE kollel) or certain criteria beyond the general need for religious observance and regular Torah study is rather unhelpful.

This sort of thing only prevents young, impressionable finds from discovering themselves and forging their own identities. Relying too much on profiles can exacerbate this problem, preventing free thinking and replacing that with a cookie cutter image that fails to live up to reasonable, realistic life.

How much substance do you put into profiles? Does dating work better by paying close attention to what's written on the page, or by investing more in the actual experience of meeting the person?

Are Platonic Friends Possible?

Inspired by an interesting debate she witnessed, Tania over at Thinking Jew Girl asks readers if it is possible to have a close male-female relationship that has no potential for marriage, while both the guy and girl are actively dating other people.

I think the answer is no. That doesn't mean there aren't exceptions. But they are, in fact exceptions rather than the rule.

Case in point, "colloquiallyspeaking" replied that she had had such a guy friend who was beneficial in coaching her while she dated her husband, and now continues her friendship with him alongside her husband. While she concedes that adding physicality to the relationship can make things complicated, she adds that "a good emotional friendship is definitely possible and happens everywhere outside of the religious world."

I beg to differ, based on personal experience in secular academic institutions, as well as this completely objective and pseudo-scientific video that has been making the rounds on Youtube:

I think this video is very telling. As much women seemingly think platonic relationships with the opposite gender is possible, popular opinion from men seems to indicate the exact opposite.

From my own single experience from high school until marriage, I don't think I had female friends for whom I did not possess at least a small measure of attraction - even when the matter was openly discussed and the girl would adamantly say that she had no interest in anything other than a platonic relationship. I would certainly abide by her decision and keep things strictly platonic in terms of our interactions, but I couldn't deny that some residual feelings (or more) continued to dwell within me.

And that's the trap.

Can you honestly say that you could continue to be friends with a guy or girl, knowing they want no further development to that friendship, and successfully grapple with any ongoing feelings or spikes in attraction for him/her? That's very tough, to say the least.

I know I went through several cycles of waxing and waning of these troublesome feelings throughout my time in NCSY, while in Israel, and even at the start of my time at Yeshiva University. When I started dating, I was very aware of this distraction, and was reminded of this conflict by a married female friend (who was one of aforementioned single female friends) that I'd need to knock it off when it came to maintaining and cultivating female friendships while I was dating. And she was right. It made my life that much simpler, gave me greater focus, and allowed me to have success in my dating.

I'm reminded of an interesting observation that Rav Aharon Lichtenstein made during a Q & A session related to us by Rabbi Hayyim Angel. Someone asked Rav Lichtenstein if it was possible to have a platonic relationship, and Rav Lichtenstein, per his usual scholarly nature, went into a discourse explaining the true definition of a platonic friendship, which is actually between two men. I can't recall what Rabbi Angel said about Rav Lichtenstein's answer to the actual question, but I imagine he wasn't so encouraging.

Can anyone give an argument that demonstrates platonic male-female relationships are actually possible on a large scale instead of an exceptional minority?

Wanting Shalom Bayis Vs. Needing Shalom Bayis?

I recently overheard a shiur given by Rabbi Zacharia Wallerstein on this past week's parsha. I say overheard, because ASoG was listening to it across the table from me as I was coincidentally reading this post by Rabbi Harry Maryles over on Emes Ve-Emunah which comments on that very shiur. He decries Rabbi Wallerstein's anti-internet plea stemming from a rather crazy internet-email/chat story which sounded as though it occurred in the mid/late 1990's (which I also heard and found a little strange). For more info about that, see Rabbi Maryles' post.

The point I strongly object to was related to Shalom Bayis (somewhere after the 20 minute mark).

Rabbi Wallerstein went through the concept of "wants" versus "needs." One pair, which I thought was appropriate, was "wanting" versus "needing" to be closer to HaShem. Too many people say that they "really, really want" to have a closer relationship with HaShem, but few people say that they "need" a closer connection to HaShem. Instead of "We want Moshiach now," it should be "We need Moshaich now." Point taken - I like the message.

But, Rabbi Wallerstein then said there is a difference between "wanting" Shalom Bayis and "needing" Shalom Bayis. He remarked that if you "want" Shalom Bayis, then you go to a therapist to tell you what to do, to tell you how to make your spouse happy. But if you say that you "need" Shalom Bayis, then you won't go to a therapist, because you will truly know what makes him/her happy and do that.

With all due respect, that's rubbish. Not only is it incorrect, it could be immensely harmful.

No one really knows what they're doing when they married. This is why pre-marital counseling is important, and groups like Shalom Task Force thankfully exist. Everyone needs to prepare in the best way that they can, with whatever time and resources that they can devote or access, to get ready for marriage before the big transition comes under the chuppah.

Having said that, even with reading every book out there, talking to every Rebbi, teacher, counselor, psychologist, married friend you know, and listening to every shiur you can attend or download, does not make you 100% fool-proof in your approach to marriage. Every individual situation is different, and no matter how well you think you know your fiance/e, there will be plenty of things he/she never told you or did in your presence before that will throw you for a loop. It's not inherently bad, and in many cases the conflict can be harmless or easily resolved, but it's all part of the process of coming together as husband and wife.

However, there are sometimes issues that can come up - whether there were something that was withheld from a spouse prior to the wedding, or some condition/situation/difficulty that arose anew while in the freshly married state - a young couple may not have the tools, knowledge, or experience to handle the problem. If this problem is causing unhappiness, and as a good spouse, you want to make sure your husband/wife is happy in life, then you will do everything you can to resolve the conflict.

But that does not mean that if you realize that peacefully working through the issue is a "need" that you won't need a therapist's help to do so.

One of my rabbeim is very, very encouraging, and appropriately so, when it comes to matters of this nature that the couple should see a professional counselor. He will even suggest that seeing a psychologist, who is clinically trained for his/her work, is better than seeing a Rabbi who is not. The professional has been given an education specifically to work with issues that can arise between couples, whereas a Rabbi may have personal experience and experience as a spiritual advisor, but lacks the breadth and depth that a PHD in psychology or master's in counseling provides.

Every couple must develop the a key to success in marriage: good communication. Without being able to talk openly, respectfully, sensitively, and sincerely with one another, you'll never be able to even broach difficult topics and satisfactorily reach a resolution through discussion. Sometimes this can be hard to do, and if you find yourselves talking in circles, above each other's heads, or past one another - then it is time to seek proper guidance.

All married couples need Shalom Bayis. On that point, Rabbi Wallerstein is correct. But to resolutely proclaim that someone who knows they "need" Shalom Bayis instead of "want" Shalom Bayis will have some greater understanding to successfully keep their spouse happy is utterly wrong.

If, as one should, firmly believe that Shalom Bayis is a true necessity, then he or she will have the courage to openly communicate with their spouse, and seek out professional help as needed to assist them in solving their ongoing difficulty. There is nothing embarrassing or shameful about utilizing the resources that are available, and there are plenty of observant, Jewish couples' counselors/psychologists in our world who are more than happy to offer their guidance and perspective.

There are too many young people out there today who have been damaged or otherwise uneducated by their personal experience, seeing what their parents did, or hearing mistaken notions from educators and rabbeim. When these role models let us down, whether intentionally or for lack of ability (and after all, no one is perfect) it's only proper to look for help in the right places.

May we all know, deep inside, that Shalom Bayis is an absolute necessity in married life, whether married or hopefully soon-to-be married, and may we all have the intestinal fortitude to take the right steps to achieve and maintain healthy Shalom Bayis in our relationships and homes.

How About HER Summer?

On a recent Shabbos, ASoG and were guests at a meal shared by a small group of single young women who are dating. Of course, since I'm no longer in that stage of life, and as a part-time Shadchan, I always take any opportunity I get to hear what daters are saying. We eagerly listened and participated in what turned out to be a rather lively discussion.

Of the many points talked about, one in particular really irked me. One speaker remarked that she has struggled through numerous first dates wherein the conversation was stilted and didn't flow naturally. She explained that the reason behind the awkward verbal exchanges was the fact that there was no real exchange. On each date, she would inquire about the guy's interests, his family, what he did over the summer, what he's studying in college, etc - and not once did he then ask her about her life and interests.

"I just mentioned that I spent the last summer in HASC - no less than 3 times - and he still couldn't take the hint to ask me how my summer was!?" She complained in an exasperated tone.

I believe that she has every right to complain about this lack of social skills. I learned a term from Dr. Pelcovitz that applies to counseling but is very appropriate for this scenario as well: "volley."

Imagine if you were asked a friend to play volleyball with you, and he/she gladly agrees. You soon discover that every time you serve the ball, he/she ignores you and it thuds on the ground somewhere near his/her feet. That's not much of a game, is it?

The same concept applies here. In order to have a decent conversation, each dater needs to volley back to the other in order to keep discussion going as well as to have mutual and reciprocal information sharing. If he asks you how many sibling you have and what they do, it's proper to then ask him about his own siblings after you finish talking. If she asks about your summer activities or your Shana Aleph experience, it's only fitting to take the time to let her talk about what she did as well.

This doesn't have to be done in a rigid, mathematical way of exact give-and-take, firing back the very same question or introduction that your date initially offered. You can use something they said as a springboard to turn the attention back toward him/her. Each person should get their fair share of talking about him/herself - not to fulfill some egotistical need to flaunt their accomplishments, but to share part of who they are, what they're about, how they think, what they're like with their date.

If you don't really care to find out these sorts of things, then why are you on a date with them in the first place?

I'm pretty sure that the guys these girls had been out with were rather inexperienced and thus didn't really have a background of what it means to talk with girls on a date. Even so, I would hope they'd have some level of common sense to understand what I'm talking about. If not, then I pray they listen to feedback from shadchanim, assuming those shadchanim care enough to report such things as "he didn't ask a single thing about me the whole time!"

Most veteran daters know this by now. It seems simple, right? But if several young women complain that they've each had more than a handful of dates where this stilted conversation occurs, it seems like it could be a real problem.

I remember reading in "The Art of the Date" (I think) that one particular married woman used to take her younger brothers on practice "dates" so that they would learn how to do the sorts of basic things expected and avoid issues like what I've been describing. It stands to reason that shiurim discussing preparing to date need to cover more than halachos of yichud and hashkafa. You certainly won't get far enough to know if she's the one if you can't even talk to her about basic, fun stuff.

Also, for girls out there suffering from this unintentional neglect, I say take matters into your own hands and find something he said to use as a segue into talking about yourself. Although this might get annoying, I think it might help clue him in better rather than silently imploring to yourself that he ask about you. In either case, I think the guy is more at fault, but I don't believe a girl should just mentally throw her hands up in frustration, either.

So guys out there who are starting to date: Ask about her, too!

Have any of the female readers encountered this sort of behavior?

One Way NOT To Propose

Take note guys: Do NOT hide the ring in an item of food that could be easily consumed.

Not every girl will be as lucky as this one and find the engagement ring inside her tortilla as planned:

Hopefully, the guy won't purchase the ring at Wal-Mart either.

The image below demonstrates what can go wrong with this idea.

This is a real X-ray from a Huffington Post article about strange items found in X-rays, and it demonstrates why I was very reluctant to act on any of the suggestions given to me for engagement ideas that involved hiding the ring in a food item or drink. Thanks anyway, Mom ;)

The last thing you want to happen is for the girl to mistakenly gulp down the ring without noticing the precious object nestled in that piece of cake or resting at the bottom of that flute of champagne.

On top of all that, what girl wants her ring to get dirtied with icing, pasta sauce, sorbet, salad dressing or whatever, and have to go clean it up before she can show it off and pose for the obligatory Only Simchas pictures?

And if she fails to notice the ring in that her guy so lovingly hid in the special dessert or whatever... well, the clean up won't be much fun either once the ring is retrieved.

For those readers who are suspicious about the above X-ray and can't believe that this has ever happened, please feel free to watch this segment on the nationally broadcast NBC Today Show which features an actual incident of accidental engagement ring consumption.

To be honest, I think having pictures on Only Simchas that featured the guy and girl smiling and talking on their cell phones while holding the X-ray of the ring's location between them would be pretty darn hilarious.

Just imagine that for a moment...

Triple bonus points to the couple who pulls that off as a prank when they get engaged.

Has anyone heard of this ever happening in the Jewish dating world?

Y U Don't Connect #4: Being Unfairly Dismissive

As a dater, I tried to be one of those who was very dan lekaf zechus, both for myself and other singles when we were constantly berated with the belittling retort “well, the reason why you’re not married is because you’re too picky!” I thought that most guys and girls were simply being lectured by the older generation who were lamenting how much easier it was “back in the day” and that the modern generation is so super-saturated with choices in life that they apply this misdirected attitude toward finding a spouse. Granted, there definitely exist a certain subset of singles who are so full of themselves, usually portrayed as egotistical guys, who want nothing short of perfect and gorgeous, but I believed they were an incorrigible minority.

Speaking from my own dating experience, I can honestly say I tried to give every profile I received proper consideration. I’d read over what was written, make a few phone calls (or have a dating mentor help me with research), and come to a conclusion that whether the girl was worthwhile or not. On a few occasions, I did receive profiles that I declined shortly after reviewing them, because it was simply clear that we were hashkafically mismatched, or in some cases that included a picture I legitimately didn’t find her attractive whatsoever (and as have I mentioned before, to each his/her own in that area, as long as it’s reasonable).

During our time working as Connectors, ASoG and I have experienced what I would describe as a significantly high number of people, both men and women, who are unusually and unfairly dismissive of perfectly good suggestions for the most ridiculous reasons. Certain individuals who we’ve sent dozens of suggestions to have not yet accepted a single idea we’ve given them. It’s not as though we’re coming up with ideas that are a hashkafic mismatch, one person wants to make aliyah tomorrow while the other isn’t interest whatsoever, or that the other person’s appearance is utterly unlike anything they are attracted to. These individuals point out spelling and grammar errors, unclear sentences, or “general feelings” they get after reviewing a profile and simply reject the person outright instead of say, being reasonable and calling the references to find out more.

On the surface, these uber-picky people will tell us, either in their initial decline or when we press for more information when they send a blank response, the person we sent is actually very much what they are looking for. But, there is some seemingly minute detail, which is only apparent in the profile itself that they then use as the lynchpin to reject what otherwise seems like a great shidduch.

Understandably, this is quite frustrating for us, because ASoG and I really do read the profiles and try to match people up as best as we possibly can. Granted, nothing is ever perfect, although sometimes they seem as though they are almost perfect, but I would think that any shidduch that legitimately looks like it has potential should be investigated as much as possible before just throwing away a perfectly good opportunity.

I’m not really sure what the problem is with all these guys and gals. Do they think that there are so many people out there that they can simply turn down any suggestion that is less than a 99% match for their “list” of requirements? Why don’t they actually invest some time into checking out these prospective candidates? Granted, daters using YU Connects, and often daters in the YU World in general, are not required to perform the more extensive research protocols found in the more right wing/yeshivish dating circles. Doing so requires a lot of time and effort, and it can be very frustrating, so many rabbeim encourage a middle ground of some investigation before and more while dating (if things are going well).

At any rate, whatever means of researching suggestions a person may utilize, it seems ridiculous to me that all these people don’t want to put an ounce of effort into checking into prospective matches if everything isn’t picture perfect on paper. Why not ASK for the person’s reference numbers and inquire from the people who know him/her? Or, as a few saner people do, simply ask the connector to find out for you. It’s really very simple. We will email the person saying a potential match would like elaboration on point X in your profile, and we almost always receive a thoughtful reply. I think it behooves each and every member on YUConnects/Saw You at Sinai to treat each suggestion with the utmost seriousness, to the exclusion of the random, dart-board suggestions thrown at them from uncaring connectors.

To the readers who are involved in the more Modern Orthodox-type dating world, particularly those who use YU Connects or SYAS – do you actually make an attempt to check into profile sent to you? If you don’t, why not?

Canary In The Mine - What Would You Do?

Grey Area Alert!

Life is full of surprises, some good, some not-so-good, perhaps even bad. People face difficult choices throughout their lifetimes, and in some, perhaps many instances people will make mistakes. Hopefully these people will then learn from their actions, and therefore be more cautious when something similar inevitably comes up and they must confront that situation again.

Granted, experience, along with failure, are often the best teachers one can have. The simplest and most commonly cited example is the little kid who doesn't listen to mommy telling him that the stove top is hot, so he goes ahead and touches it, thus burning his cute, little finger and learning a lesson that will hopefully stay with him for the rest of his life.

Sometimes we need to fail in order to learn something about ourselves, about life, about how we can be better and therefore do better. Success is nice and certainly feels good, but someone who simply achieves everything they attempt without really trying, using minimal effort, and still somehow managing to succeed, isn't really learning anything.

But that's not really what I want to talk about in this post.

There is another means through which we can gain insight into life and how things work, and that is through another's example. Take an extreme case: Someone's friend gets killed (Rachmana Latzlan) in an automobile accident because he was texting while driving and thus not paying attention. For all the other youths the same age and especially the friends of the victim, a very harsh lesson should (I say should because not everyone is so sensible) be learned; that one does not text while driving, because you really put yourself at potential mortal risk and could die because of your inattention.

A less intense example could include seeing your friend run himself ragged studying for a test, staying up really late studying, throwing back caffeinated/energy drinks, and watching them go crazy, get no sleep, then fail the test the next day because of a lack of preparation. I don't think this is something that you'd really be willing to try afterward. Granted, you may need to test your own limits a bit, but to not take a step back and think, "Gee, maybe I shouldn't stay up so late before a final. Getting sleep is more important and better for me than running on chemicals to keep my exhausted body awake," would be a lost potential step toward self-improvement.

Then there's dating and marriage.

Everyone makes mistakes in dating. Even the guy who marries the first girl he ever goes out with. For the rest of us, who didn't or won't marry the first person we ever dated, learn from our experiences. Additionally, we go to/listen to shiurim, read books and blogs, talk to our friends, meet with our dating mentors/rabbeim/teachers, attend seminars, and basically do just about everything we can, to learn as much as we can, to supplement our first-hand experiential dating ventures.

There's often a lot to be said by people who have legitimately "been there before" in specific scenarios, and whose advice is worth hearing, and potentially taking into consideration. This does not mean that you need to take everything a particular individual, book, or rabbi says as absolute truth without critically evaluating their imparted wisdom to decide if it merits implementation in your quest for a spouse. Yes, there are also people out there who like to think they know everything, radiate arrogance and false expertise, and try to recruit you as one of their "chassidim" - but I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt that they can think for themselves and filter out these kinds of people.

Yet, what if someone you know isn't doing that? Or seeming can't do that?

What is your responsibility if a friend is doing something that you know is unhealthy for them, in one of a myriad ways, whether emotionally, psychologically, religiously, socially - or whatever? If you know, based on your own experience, or from seeing another person crash and burn by doing what your friend is doing, what is your obligation to intervene on some level? To try and offer advice, though you know they may very well intentionally ignore your helpful intentions, and that the whole attempt could backfire and just make the matter worse.

What do you do if you see someone you know not being themselves, that the happiness they are expressing if forced and marred by tension, to the point where they seem to be playing a part to please someone else, simply because that other person has strong feelings of “liking” them. It’s a psychologically supported notion that a person will respond positively toward another person (particularly in this area) when they know that the other person likes them. As such, it can be very easy to get sucked into an ongoing relationship with the altered mindset that your intentions are completely for the purpose of pleasing the other person, since their admiration feels so good emotionally – even at the cost of ignoring your own needs and wants.

True, in marriage, one is supposed to put the needs and wants of their spouses in a higher tier of consideration than their own. In a healthy spousal relationship, where there is reciprocal giving of this sort, then both husband and wife can focus on the other and still have their personal needs met. You don’t have to be selfishly concerned about getting what you want because you know that the other person loves you and wants to satisfy and fulfill you just as much as you want to do that for him/her.

But, in an unhealthy balance, one person can cling to the other, in essence losing him/herself as they allow their identity to be eclipsed and absorbed by their significant other. This process is usually quite fast, and the strong effects that accompany such an imbalance will firmly take root before one can realize what is transpiring. They lose the ability to take a step back, remove the rosy colored glasses that are blinding them, and consider the situation with a rational perspective.

Though this often happens in abusive relationships, where one person is intentionally trying to manipulate the other – and certainly this is a very unhealthy connection that must be severed – similar one-sidedness can occur where both parties are essentially good people without any abusive tendencies. I have heard from others, and witnessed it myself with a few friends, that this can be a primary cause for a broken engagement or early divorce. The reason for this stems from the enormous reality check that kicks them in the head saying, “What in the world is going on? What am I doing to myself?” after the amount of dependence on the other person becomes too much. Everyone’s threshold for this breaking point is different, and some “wake ups” can occur sooner than others.

Additionally, the healthy reciprocal giving I mentioned above is more primarily suited to marriage. In dating, nothing is certain until the ring is on the girl's finger and even then, real certainty doesn't set in (initially) until that second ring is on her finger after the chupah. Until that point where you've dated long enough, become comfortable enough, know the person well enough to be who you are in their presence, warts and all, and are still received with acceptance, affection and admiration, you can't be absolutely certain that marriage is the proper path for any particular relationship.

So if you see someone mired in this situation, and they cannot step back and meta-analyze their life, what are you supposed to do about it? What can you do when you see someone moving too fast, not thinking clearly enough, making rash decisions that affect the present and future, disrupt well thought out plans for the sake of momentary thrills of being with another person? When their happiness seems more like intoxication rather than the genuine joy you've seen them expressed throughout their life in other areas? When that other person seems to thoroughly brainwashed to a certain perspective, that it feels like your own efforts to get them to think for themselves will have no meaningful impression on them whatsoever?

I am not in any way suggesting that your own perspective on such an issue is the be-all to end all. In Judaism we don’t believe that anyone is infallible, as Rabbi Haim Angel says in shiur. We have no pope, and no one has the authority to tell us what is without having their statements evaluated.

In particular, I fondly recall a source Rabbi Angel always cites during his shiur that introduces his methodology of studying Tanach from Rav Avaham ben HaRambam (this is not an exact translation, but a quotation from in-class notes):

“You have to know that anyone who wishes to hold a certain opinion because of who says it without any critical evaluation at all – this is not emunat chachamim, this is terrible and assur min haTorah – and is also illogical. Uncritical thinking is not good and it’s not intellectually honest. Why is it assur min haTorah? – Because we believe that Torah is Truth because G-d revealed it, so therefore one who blinds himself to intellectual honesty is being dishonest in the pursuit of Truth.”

If this is true when it comes to the pursuit of Torah study, the truest pursuit of the truest wisdom, I think that we can certainly apply this to our everyday lives as well – especially when dating. Yes, one may have a particular rebbe or seminary teacher from their experience in Israel (or at YU, or wherever) that had tremendous impact on you, but why should that respect lead to the exclusion of any other source of potential advice of guidance? And even so, no matter how much you admire someone and what they taught you, they too are not infallible, and even what they say must be examined in a critical fashion to ascertain the truth of their words. If someone is truly genuine, then they will very often check out as worth listening to, and their credibility becomes established – but that doesn’t mean they are any more perfect than the next person out there.

Pirkei Avos 2:8 presents a long list of if-then pairings said by Hillel. Among them is “Marbeh eitzah – marbeh tevuna,” or “The more counsel, the more understanding.” It would stand to reason that while this is useful for every area in life, it is particularly useful for dating and making the decision of who one should marry. Many, many dating/marriage books that I’ve read, as well as shiurim I’ve heard, recommend that a person should introduce a potential significant other to people they respect, such as parents, teachers, rabbeim, family and friends and subsequently get their opinion of the person you’re dating and of the two of you as a couple. The more perspectives you hear, especially those who are unbiased and truly want the best for you, the greater the likelihood that the truth of how well things fit and the potential appropriateness of a relationship will be revealed.

Again, this is not to say that one’s own opinion does not matter. Ultimately, you should be the one choosing who you marry, and not because something looks good on paper and someone you know and trust is pushing you toward the chupah. That’s patently wrong, and people need to be far more aware of when this happens to them – especially post-seminary/yeshiva, when some young men and women never take what they've learned and practically applied it to their real world life.

If well meaning people reach out to you because they are concerned that you’re not doing these sorts of things, it is appropriate to give them the time of day. People can get very taken while dating, and start planning, strategizing, and making up absurd future goals – often at a very rapid pace – without realizing what they’re getting themselves into. The rosy colored glasses go on and are applied with superglue, which means it will probably hurt when those shades come off.

Marriage, even for the most prepared men and women, is a rude awakening to the stark nature of reality. All the fluffy clouds and rainbows that envelop a person’s conscious thoughts (and sub/unconscious thoughts as well) vanish as soon as the responsibilities and trials of marriage kick in. This isn’t to say that marriage is bad or not worthwhile, just that it requires a lot of work, is often stressful, and that the previously unknown can play a large role in the development of the marriage bond. It behooves everyone out there thinking about dating for marriage to seriously contemplate what marriage really is, by talking to as many people as you can, both before you begin, while you are going out, and certainly as you move toward engagement and the wedding itself.

Without proper, multi-faceted, and varied guidance, a person can stumble into the arrogance of either believing they know everything, or that one or two people know everything and that they must abide by their suggestions to the letter if they want to achieve happiness.

Everyone must know him/herself inside and out, in order to truly understand what marriage and responsible adult life (meaning supporting a family, having children, contributing to a community, etc) really means to them. No one wants to wake up one morning to a baby crying and think, “Oh my G-d, what have I done?” We should all do our best to avoid such a tragic circumstance.

In the end, the main thing is to think. To think for oneself, taking into consideration what others tell you because they want to help you not make the same mistakes they have, or that they have seen others make. This includes mentors, siblings, and above all parents, who, if they have a healthy relationship with their children, intrinsically have a deep understanding of what is good for their offspring. Even if there is a hashkafic difference between how you were raised and what you’ve grown into, the people who have known you the longest truly have one of the best understanding of who you are and what you’re about, religious observances aside.

Back to my central point: If you see someone you know and care about not doing this sort of thorough, rational, self-respectful/introspective thinking, what can you do to help them? Can you help them? Should you help them? Or is it better to sit back and let them make their own mistakes, regardless of what the consequences might be?

YU Don’t Connect #3 – Remind Me, How Does This Telephone Thing Work?

Welcome back to our ongoing feature of how to improve your YUConnects and Saw You at Sinai dating experience, which I have titled:

Y U Don't Connect - OR - How Not To Be Seen At Sinai.

Please be sure to check out the first and second posts.

Today’s post covers two aspects of an issue that plagues both shadchanim and daters: Lack of courtesy in establishing/maintaining contact by phone.

Part 1:

On occasion, ASoG and I have been fortunate enough to achieve a mutual match, wherein both the guy and girl have checked out the other party’s profile and decided to accept the suggestion. Once the second person clicks the accept button, YUConnects/Saw You at Sinai sends out an automated email containing both numbers, along with the message that the guy should make contact within a short period of time.

It seems simply right? Wrong.

ASoG and I simply don’t understand why guys tend to drag their heels like crazy when it comes to making that first call. Granted, a first phone call is nerve-wracking, but it really shouldn’t be more than a “Hello, how are you? When are you available to go out? I have a few ideas of what we could do, please let me know what you’d prefer.” Scheduling the first phone call can be practically annoying as well, because it is rather silly to call the girl up and ask, “Hello, when will you be free to talk about our first date?” Or the cringe-worthy opener, “Hello, this is so-and-so, is now a good time?"

A much less complicated approach, which I used when I was dating, is to just text the girl and say “Hi, it’s Ploni Almoni from YUConnects. Could you please let me know when/what time would be good to call you to discuss the first date?”

For some reason however, this doesn’t get done so readily. We get calls or emails from girls asking what’s going on, it’s been several days to a week since the phone numbers were sent out and they haven’t heard a peep from Mr. Phone-a-phobe. In our effort to be as helpful as possible, we contact the guy and ask him what the deal is. Every single time we’ve received some lame excuse that in no way vindicates his lack of courtesy in leaving the girl hanging.

By the time we’ve basically yelled at the guy (not quite, though we are quite firm in giving him a bit of mussar), the girl has begun to lose interest because the guy is clearly not quite the mentsch-type if he can’t think about the girl’s feelings while he goes about his business ignoring her. While most times the guy will call right after we hang up, apologize profusely, and things go forward from there, there have been instances where he continued to dilly-dally and the girl got a better offer and dropped him, much to his (self inflicted) disappointment.

Lesson #1 – Guys should ALWAYS call/text the girl ASAP after a mutual match is approved. It really doesn’t take much effort to send a text inquiring her availability for a phone call. Without this first step, no one’s going to connect to anybody since they’ve forced an awkward non-starter.

Point 2:

As soon as we find out that we have a soon-to-be dating couple, we make sure to reach out to each party and let them know we’re there to help in any way we can, including being their go-between for the first few dates, or fielding any questions and responding to issues that may arise as dating goes on.

Many times, no one even responds to this friendly email, so the couple goes out some random number of times and ends the shidduch without telling us anything. We end up emailing them to find out what the deal was, or we try contacting them while they are dating to check up on them and still get no response.

This sort of situation has also led to some awkward and hastily concluded matches because one of the two parties suddenly gets antsy after the first, second, or third date, wants to end the shidduch, but can’t bring him/herself to do so.

Now, I firmly believe this is why the shadchanim are there and why they should be involved in the first few dates. Once a relationship has been established, at say 4-5 dates, then the couple should be comfortable enough to discuss things amongst themselves (following the State of the Union Address), and using an intermediary to decide if there is a next date (or not) is entirely unnecessary. The problem is that people think that this method is archaic, too “frum,” stupid, or whatever, and overestimate their abilities to give a face-to-face or over-the-phone direct rejection.

In this case, the culprits are almost equally divided between male and female. A concerned dater emails/calls to update us on how things are going, and he/she usually say something along the lines of, “I had a great date (or two) with X, there was good conversation, the attraction’s there, and I’m excited for our next date. But, he/she hasn’t been responding to my calls/texts and I’ve already left several voicemails that were unanswered.”

The attention required here from our end is usually more direct, so we (usually me) call the MIA dater and politely ask how things are going. The usual response is that things have been pretty good, but he/she has decided that the other person really isn’t for him/her. We’ll often have a bit of a chat about what bothers them and if their decision is definite, which it almost always is, and then I question why they haven’t been in contact with the other person. Then I hear him/her waffling on the other side of the line, only to come up with some lame excuse that they were sick, had phone trouble, out of town, or busy with work/school.

Were they honestly so busy that they couldn’t send a text or make a brief call to update the other person? And if they honestly didn’t want to continue, why let the other person sit there for days (or weeks) thinking that things were going well, only to decide to drop the bomb on them later? Of course, that job is one that we usually have to do because they’ve suddenly lost their nerve.

I’m a big advocate for using the shadchanim/connectors as go betweens for the first few dates. ASoG and I can’t force anyone to work with us as intermediaries, which is why we offer but don’t demand to be involved. However, if you as a dater decide you don’t need us, be consistent in your bevahior and courteous enough to let the other person know if you have decided to end the relationship. DO NOT drop off the face of the Earth because you’ve suddenly become a super hero by the name of Captain Awkward and need to spend your time avoiding your date. It isn’t right, it isn’t nice, and it certainly won’t help you develop any people skills as you become a more experienced dater.

Lesson #2: Once a shidduch has begun, guys AND girls should never leave the other person in the dark without contact for any extended period of time. Send that text, make that call, or better yet, use your shadchanim from the start like you’re supposed to.

Communication is key. If you can’t learn to effectively communicate now, then you’re in for some real trouble after the chuppah. If all the singles out there would simply learn to be a little more respectful and courteous of their fellow daters, the shidduch world would be a better place.

Date Case Study: Barnes and Noble

I figure it's time to bring back what was supposed to be a series about in-depth analysis of particular dating locations, so here we are. For those who missed the first one on Dave and Busters, be sure to check it out.

Without a doubt, I would classify myself as a bibliophile. Every year when the YU Seforim Sale rolls around, I know I’ll end up spending an unreasonable amount of time browsing the aisles, checking out each section, often more than once. There are simply so many interesting and intriguing titles in such a large variety of subjects that grab my attention, I almost can’t help myself. I am constantly enticed to pick up a book, flip through it, and add it to the growing pile I schlep around in my circuitous path that eventually ends up at the cash register. ASoG can personally attest to all this.

However, as basically everyone knows, you’d be crazy to take a date to the Seforim Sale unless you are already serious with one another, the relationship’s existence is public knowledge, and/or you happen to already be engaged – unless you both work there, which provides a decent cover story (or does it?). Going to the Seforim Sale with an opposite gender companion other than your grandparent, parent or sibling instantly puts you on display and gives birth to scuttlebutt which can be a bit annoying. Even hanging out with your other-gender sibling, as innocent as that is, can appear suspicious if no one knows him/her. This actually happened to a friend of mine this year. People asked about the girl he was with, who happened to be his younger sister, for several days after their shopping experience.

While going on a date to the SOY Sale isn’t the best idea, going to Barnes and Noble, on the other hand, is quite a fun and enlightening experience. I personally wouldn’t recommend it as a suggestion for one of the first few dates, but rather as something to do once the initial ‘getting to know you’ phase has been completed. At this point, you’ve established that you like your date a bit, you’re interested in finding out more about his/her interests and personal passions that extends beyond introductory small talk that established a basis of commonality between the two of you.

The Barnes and Noble store in the Manhattan area which I find most suitable for dates is the 4 story location at 66^th and Broadway. There are numerous large, varied areas to browse, including DVD’s, periodicals, travel, children’s, cookbooks, classics, current popular releases, science fiction, and a large comic book / manga section.

One fun place to start off is the travel section, especially since it’s located on the entry level (though you could start at the bottom with the movies/DVDs - I’ve also started in the popular fiction/new releases or children’s section). This part of the store is particularly fun if you’re from different states, or are both out-of-towners. The reason why this collection of books is fun is because it allows you to “visit” your hometown and show it off, to a degree, to your potential significant other. Granted, it’s nothing like actually heading off for an actual tour of all the locales where your family resides, but it’s a close enough facsimile – at least to whet their appetite of curiosity regarding where you grew up. Aside from all the little travel guides, I often find it fun to check out the Weird State series, wherein you can learn about all sorts of kooky stuff that even you probably didn’t know about.

Popular/new releases is entertaining, because it gives you a sense of what the world finds interesting these days. Here you’ll find a ton of instant conversation starters that cover the wide range of issues, ideas, and genres that people are talking about. Whether it’s the annoying newest teen series on vampires/wizards/werewolves/whatever, some controversial political book about Israel, a tell-all (auto)biography, or the latest thriller, you can check out the most recently released reading material.

The children’s section is an enjoyable place to revisit favorite books from when you were young, as well as check out all the zany new stuff on the market these days. I was a big fan of Animorphs and Goosebumps, but others might have fond memories of another series you’ve never heard of, particularly since boys and girls generally don’t read the same sorts of books at that age. Going through your childhood reading – both pleasure and school assigned – and talking about your likes and dislikes is always an interesting conversation.

Cookbooks are a fun place to browse, and particularly in the aforementioned Barnes and Noble since it has a fairly decent sized selection of kosher cookbooks of various kinds, from the New York Times collection of kosher recipes to Pupa Dweck’s Aleppo cookbook. Particularly for people who have different backgrounds, whether Sephardi/Ashkenazi or even Tri-State/out of towner, I always found it interesting to talk about different trademark family dishes, personal preferences, as well as using this section as a bit of a launching point to talk about Shabbos/Yom Tov experiences growing up, which naturally include the food served at those meals.

I generally shied away from the self-help, philosophy, and romance sections, primarily because most things found there are probably not so conducive to conducting informal, non-invasive conversation. Particularly if this is an earlier date in the relationship, it would be rather awkward to stumble across a book addressing an issue one of the daters had at some point in his/her life (or are still struggling with) and have that come up in such a haphazard way instead of a proper, face-to-face/heart-to-heart conversation later on when such things should be revealed and discussed for the relationship to progress into more serious territory. Unless both the people are big philosopher-types, not much worthwhile can be found there for fun date conversation. Romance is clearly out the window based on the unrealistic, not to mention, often-vulgar content found there. What good Jewish boy/girl reads that trash anyway?

The marriage relationship section may be interesting, but I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone not seriously dating, contemplating engagement, or already engaged.

There is also a religion/Judaism section, which may be a place to see what sort of interesting/more religious things are stocked at the store (how many Artscroll/Feldheim titles, for example), but unless you’re into academic Jewish studies or perhaps something more mainstream like Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, I don’t think you’ll find much to talk about there.

I always had a lot of fun going through the science fiction and manga/comic book sections. Granted, the appeal of these areas are limited based on personal preference and interest, but for someone like me, I took it as an opportunity to safely “geek out” on my dates (not in an absurd fashion, I did maintain proper decorum) and see how they reacted. I think it’s very important for people to introduce their date to all the aspects of their personality and their significant interests/hobbies, particularly in relation to pop culture. Presumably, whatever it is you’re “into,” be that a certain book series, comic, movie, TV show or whatever is important enough to you that it helps the other person understand you and what you’re about a bit better.

Along the lines of my long-ago post, Pop Culture Conundrum, I feel that it’s important to personally understand your relationship with pop culture, and that it is absolutely necessary to share this part of you with your potential spouse. If you are going out with someone who is vehemently against general pop culture, or perhaps only invests their time and brain space on more “serious” aspects of secular culture such as “classic” literature, but has little tolerance for anything more mass pop culture, that could be a big problem. For a while, I looked for someone who had similar pop-culture interests, hoping that would be a point of connection, as it often is with shared interests in the secular dating world. After experiencing several shidduchim with girls who were “my type” but didn’t really have any interest whatsoever in my pop culture ventures, I decided (wisely) that the appropriate approach is to find someone who isn’t A) Opposed to or offended by my pop culture interests and B) Can at least tolerate my pop culture interests, but also perhaps enjoy them with me on some level, with the understanding that I shouldn’t have expectations of “converting” her into a sci-fi fanatic or whatever.

In the end, this worked quite well. As I mentioned in my birthday post, ASoG picked up on a point of discussion about a certain book that I was looking forward to buying at some point in the near future, and actually purchased that very volume some time after our date, then presented it me as a gift on my birthday.

Anyway, there are other sections in the store, such as the current fiction, classics, games, periodicals, and the lower floor with all the CDs and DVDs – all ripe for conversation topics, personal insights, and opportunities to tell stories from your life. I never really spent much time in any of them (particularly the DVD section, which is on the bottom floor), simply because we lingered for significant periods of time in the sections I have described.

One of the great things about book stores, such as Barnes and Noble, and especially this particular location, is that they allow you to custom-tailor your conversation experience, offering a very wide range of topics to discuss (I won’t go so far as to say an unlimited). Whereas coffee-shop date conversations can often meander all over the place, there is no real structure to what is brought up. Here, you can have some guidance regarding what is talked about and when – particularly if you know the layout of the store and have a specific story or topic you’d like to talk about – such as me with my sci-fi/comic geek out.

In the end, it’s really up to you. While my examples may be somewhat far-reaching in application, the experience is entirely your own, and I strongly encourage Barnes and Noble as a great date location. As I mentioned before, I would recommend reserving it for a 4^th, 5^th, or 6^th date, after most of the fluff Jewish Geography and Israel experience topics have run their course. When you’re ready to start getting to know your date’s deeper intellectual interests (and to have fun too), Barnes and Noble is the place to go.

Y U Don't Connect - Part 2

Tip #2 – Write clearly, intelligently, and with grammatical correctness.

The YU Connects/Saw You at Sinai profile requests that each user fill out a few written sections, describing their family background, who they are, and what they’re looking for - the later only seen by connectors and not potential matches.

It would stand to reason that since these are the portions of the profile that more directly represent who you are – what your hashakafos, beliefs, religious level, and personality traits are – instead of selecting from multiple pre-written terms like the rest of the profile, you’d want to make sure that what you write is an accurate, detailed presentation of what you want a potential spouse to know and consider.

Yet, in the short time that ASoG and I have been serving as connectors, we’ve seen some profiles that are woefully ill-prepared. Here are a few pointers for writing a good profile.

1) Do NOT leave sections blank - It seems simple enough, right? Choosing to leave one of these sections empty creates a gap of knowledge both for the potential match AND the connectors who will know be clueless regarding key elements about you.

People want to know what your family is like, because they envision some sort of in-law relationship based on their personal experience and needs. People need to know about you, because anyone can simply click a bunch of multiple choice options, whereas writing details shows (to a greater degree) what you’re about. Lastly, the section of what you are looking for, if left blank, really inhibits the connectors’ ability to learn more about you and make more accurate matches aside from the computerized categorical comparisons (like religious level, age and height preference, etc).

If a potential match has no clue what you’re about, why would they accept the match? If the connector doesn’t have the foggiest idea who you are and what you’re looking for, how are we supposed to make a thoughtful suggestion? Not writing anything, or not writing enough (see more below) forces us to send you fairly randomized selections chosen by the computer match-up. A lot of people complain that matches sent to them are seemingly without sufficient thought or to “just fill a quota” – connectors are supposed to spend 6 hours a week making matches after all. While the criticism may be true of some/many people who aren’t being serious about their responsibilities as shadchanim, there are others who really do care and want to do a good job (I’m not just referring to ASoG and I – we personally know many very dedicated connectors). We can’t help you if you don’t help us get to know you.

2) Write more than 2 sentences – But you don’t need a whole megillah either. Two succinct, accurate sentences (which they rarely ever are) are better than nothing written at all, but why shouldn’t you be more thorough? The more you write the better, because the reader gets a greater sense of how you think, what you want, what you envision for your future, etc. Some people may feel intimidated or threatened by writing extremely long description of yourself, but others truly appreciate the fact that you wrote a detailed account of who you are and what you’re about. Expanding on what you selected in the earlier sections of the profile – like your learning schedule, views on TV/movies/pop culture, how close you are to your family – can only serve to either convince someone that indeed you are an appropriate match, or demonstrate that you are a great person, but not what they are looking for, and thus no one wastes their time.

From the connector’s standpoint, more is always better – especially in the “what you’re looking for” section. We appreciate someone who is thorough, but fair – NOT someone who writes such an extremely limited set of characteristics, such as “Must be 5’ 5-7”, blond hair, super-model skinny, and with a face pretty enough to launch a thousand ships, because I simply can’t love anyone else.” Aside from the fact that odds are, your choice of turning down every single girl who doesn’t meet this criterion prevents you from going out with great girls, it also means you’re going to get very few suggestions from us, or that we’re going to get tired when you decline every profile we send you because you cite “Physical Appearance.”

3) PLEASE utilize proper grammar, spelling, capitalization, etc. In other words – don’t be “cute” or write as though this were an instant/text message or email to your buddies. Let your date see how “cute” you are in person, where it really counts. As Bad4 mentioned in a comment on my first post in this series – women don’t find it attractive if you write “i lik 2 go on walkz, tlk 2 pretty gurls, n learn tons of torah.” Even if you actually list things that are reputable and describe yourself accurately, not taking the time to write in a professional manner reflects very poorly of your education and your attitudes toward being mature and serious about life. If you are a fun person, write that while providing concrete examples like any properly educated adult would, instead of producing something that looks like it was composed by a middle schooler.

Generally, I would assume that most people would have very little difficulty writing something coherent and readable, though I know that some people legitimately have trouble when writing things like essays for English class. Just like in that scenario, if you want to get that A – get help. Ask someone you trust to read over what you’ve written and give helpful suggestions about phraseology, word choice, etc. If it comes down to it and you have no one who to turn to, ask your connector! We’re here to help you.

ASoG and I once saw a profile that said something to the effect of “I try to view the world and people I meet as positively and openly as I can, that’s why I’m such a pessimistic person.” We were pretty sure that they meant “optimistic” – but who knows. Either way, the mistaken word choice looks bad, and if the person is legitimately pessimistic – who wants to go out with that kind of person anyway?

We’ve also had a few conversations where the person suggested the shidduch wants to know more information because what is written in the profile, though seemingly accurate is vague. The person may mention they’re learning in yeshiva or attending a specific college – why not give some more details about that yeshiva or what course of study you are pursuing, including how far along you are in your educational career? It shouldn’t be the job of the connector to wheedle the information out of you. Related to that point…

4) Keep your profile updated ! If you graduate college, switch yeshivos, decide to drop pre-med and became a lawyer, I think any potential match needs to know these things. Leaving up outdated information is basically akin to someone calling you up and telling you about this great guy you knew back in high school, but have no clue what he’s up to nowadays – how does that help anyone? Please, if something changes in your life, add/correct that in your profile.

If during the course of your dating career you have a gradual evolution of sorts in your hashkafos, religious level, or your preferences for the type of person you are looking for – you NEED to alter your profile to reflect that. I’m not talking about changing your profile once a week to suit a new guy you decided you’re interested in. But every few months, take some time to reread what you’ve written and see if you’ve legitimately shifted perspectives a bit.

Taking a step back – make sure you do some critical thinking before you write the profile in the first place. Meditate on who you are, what you’re looking for, and where you want to go in life. Presenting that information as accurately as you can is the goal of the profile. You want that potential someone to read the things you’ve written, consider them, and make a decision that you are worth going out with, or that it’s not shayach. This whole system is designed to make things easier for everyone involved, singles and shadchanim alike.

If you don’t sit down, take this seriously and put some thought into writing about who you are and what you want in a spouse, how can we (connectors and potential matches) honestly trust any of the other categories that you simply clicked – perhaps without even an actual thought being processed in your brain? Anyone can absent-minded click their mouse a few dozen times, heck, everyone does that at some point for an online survey to try and win a gift certificate to Amazon.com or whatever. But this is NOT a situation where you can let your brain operate on auto-pilot!

Stay tuned for part 3!

P.S. For those of you who need a reason to date someone who can spell worth a darn, check out this 911 call (courtesy of Bad4):