Konochi-wa! I Vant To... *Check* Your Blood?

The BBC has posted an interesting story about how people in Japan are resorting to dating by blood type (you know, A, B, AB, O and all that). According to Japanese beliefs/culture/whatever, different blood types have different personalities, so knowing the blood type of a potential spouse can be a good indicator of how well the two people will get along.

I always wondered why author-provided profiles of anime/manga characters listed blood type, which seemed like such a random stat to mention. Now I can say that I am a bit wiser on the subject.

The article mentions "The received wisdom is that As are dependable and self sacrificing, but reserved and prone to worry." I happen to be an A-, at least according to my New York Blood Center card, and the description is pretty accurate, I think.

However, the whole notion is quite preposterous as the article goes on to discuss. From a slightly more scientific standpoint there may be basis for a genetic predisposition to some traits, which I extensively lampooned in my story, "Shidduchim of the Near Future: Don't Wear Genes on a Date."

Despite the inherent chukas-goyim aspect of all this, I really hope that shidduch crazy sectors of our society never catch onto this nonsense. Otherwise, we'd have yet another silly thing to add to our shidduch research checklists.

P.S. I linked the printable version of the article because the regular website had a not-tziyus (as in unclothed) drawing in one of the suggested article icons at the bottom of the page. The picture could easily have been cropped to be more modest, but I guess it's true when they say that "sex sells." What a world we live in...

The State Of The Union Address

After four or five dates, it is usually time to have “the conversation,” or as I like to call it, the “State of the Union Address.” By that I mean that things are going well and some sort of reciprocal liking of one another has been established (though perhaps not openly discussed). The desire to drop the shadchan/go between has risen to the forefront of each dater’s mind, with the intention of moving forward on their own mutually negotiated terms.

This is the official turning point. The relationship undergoes a transition from the touch-and-go, overwhelmingly nerve-wracking sense of the tenuous nature of a shidduch, into the firmer footing of realizing that the two people actually have a relationship on their hands. No longer do the daters have to anxiously await confirmation of their hopes (another date) or fears (rejection) in what could easily be an abrupt, and unexpected conclusion to the budding connection between the guy and girl.

True, this doesn’t create a foregone conclusion that the relationship is the one, but there is certainly a shift in focus from “do I like this person?” to “could I marry this person?” Conversation topics become more serious, and you can actually talk about things such as how you envision your future family will look like or deeper nuances of your hashkafa that may have been a little too biased/extreme (not in a bad way, just not run-of-the-mill political correctness, such as being very passionate about) that might have initially scared off the other person.

This is also the time where people begin to reveal the not so peachy-keen aspects of their past, whether that involves a personal or family-related illness/condition/crises, past conduct that may not have been so appropriate, or some not-so-perfect relationship between relatives that has impacted their lives.

For me, this has always been a test to see how well my research people did their job. Yes, I have “research people.” As a ba’al teshuva, my parents are not so intrinsically involved in checking out girls before I go out with them, since their vision of what dating means is a bit different from the social circles I travel in. So I have a friend and his wife who volunteered to help me out in this area (though I have begun more recently to make phone calls and inquiries on my own, granted that my research people are much better than I am). I will admit that they’re quite good, so I very often have little to worry about, despite a few details here and there have slipped through. At any rate, I owe them a tremendous debt of gratitude for the countless hours they’ve spent helping me in my dating process these past two years. Anyway, for more people, who are first hearing information that could potentially be a deal breaker for them, I’m usually aware of anything my date is going to say, and it’s up to me to react in a proper fashion.

When I first started dating, I made the mistake on one or two occasions of waving off significant personal revelations as being “not a big deal” – which as you can probably tell, was a BIG MISTAKE. No person who is opening herself up, voluntarily making herself vulnerable in the hopes of reaching understanding and greater mutual bonding wants to hear “Oh, I know that already.” Since then, I’ve honed my acting skills to be able to properly receive potentially unexpected information as though I’m hearing it for the first time. The person who is sharing their insecurities or negative information is looking for a caring response, not a flippant “duh.”

In general, the person on the receiving end of these revelations should be patient, upbeat (as appropriate) and non-judgmental. Even if the person is telling you something that is in actuality a legitimate red flag/deal breaker/cause for concern, there is absolutely no reason to display any of those thoughts that may be running through your head. Be quiet, listen, and respond where prompted, such as my response with the date who told me about the illness of an immediate family member. In that instance, I didn’t freak out (the fact that she told me this information on a first date wasn’t the best idea either), and instead, I relied on my background knowledge of the condition and honestly expressed an observation of how lucky their family was to have detected the condition early enough to successfully and completely treat it.

In the back of my mind, I was quite concerned, particularly since the illness could be genetically included in my then-date’s future. Thankfully, even these concerns were put to rest by a Rabbi/Doctor mentor (intro paragraph here). At any rate, that was the correct way to respond – take in all the information and fully process it later. Don’t make snap decisions and risk being insensitive/offensive to the person’s face – which is just plain rude. The time to mull things over and emote your gut reactions are after the date possibly with a dating mentor or rebbi, especially if you are very concerned about what was revealed.

One of my older friends who I turned to advice when I started dating explained this crucial moment of the State of the Union Address in terms of an adventure video games, like the Legend of Zelda series (forgive me for those who don’t know what that is, though I think the metaphor will still be understood). In this particular game, you, playing as the main character/hero often get an opportunity to explore a specific town setting, checking out the shops, talking to townspeople, dig through the nearby foliage for treasure, and in general get a pretty good general sense of what the town is about.

However, you can’t stay there forever, because the game would never progress. The next part of the adventure usually involves going to a dungeon where you will face a mighty enemy (aka a boss battle). The catch is, once you enter the dungeon, you will never be able to return to the little homey town anymore. If the town is still accessible afterward, some major event will usually have happened, the people there will be different and you can’t relive the previous experience.

So it is with the State of the Union Address. Once you have this sit-down, let’s open up and see where we’re going conversation, the “innocence” (for lack of a better term) that characterizes those opening few dates where all you talk about is general fun topics and Jewish geography are gone forever. That isn’t to say you can never discuss lighter topics like Jewish music and who knows who from which camp, but there is a very different spin on the relationship. You and your date have basically, or actually, admitted to one another that you do indeed like one another, and that takes some guts. It also breaks down some façades that have previously been erected as part of the introductory phase self-protection. Vulnerability, at the right time, is a very good thing, and is entirely necessary for a relationship to progress toward marriage, and is absolutely essential in marriage.

This “so where do we go from here” conversation is the first moment that cements the relationship as being real. You don’t have to beat around the bush anymore about there not quite being an “us.” Having said that, the fact that this conversation has taken place doesn’t mean that it’s a free for all in terms of information flow and sharing – far from it. This is merely a beginning (one of many) on the road to a potential marriage. The give and take between the guy and girl, the exchange of personal stories and information previously left unmentioned, still must progress on a natural level, b’nachas, without either party rushing into throwing everything out there. If things go well, one of two results will be reached after you’ve had some time to properly evaluate one another in a closer context:

1) You’ll determine the other person is great, but not for you, and amicably end things.
2) The person is actually not so great at all and it’s time to end things before they become problematic.
3) You’ll discover you’ve found the right one!

I’ve only experienced the first two (quite obviously), but look forward to one day having the realization dawn on me that the woman sitting across from me is the one and only person I want to spend the rest of my life with. May that day come soon – for us all!

P.S. I’ve never been sure what to refer to myself and my date after this turning point (for the handful of times this has occurred). Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds wrong and isn’t really appropriate, but she’s more than just my “date.” Do the readers have any ideas?

Genetic Testing: A Layman's Summary

The topic of genetic testing within the realm of dating/marriage came up in a series of comments on one of Bad For Shidduchim’s posts a short while ago (I forget which one, sorry). Most people who replied knew some things but not much. The focus was discussion of Dor Yeshorim, and open testing was barely mentioned. Having had some experience planning and running genetic screening events at YU, I will now attempt to give my non-professional break-down of the issues involved and why this is such an important part of the overall shidduchim process.

I also highly recommend listening to this lecture/shiur that just took place at YU which features a presentation by a licensed genetic counselor followed by Rav Willig speaking about the moral/halachic imperative to get tested before marriage.

Why is genetic screening significant? Children are produced within marriage by a fusion of a pair of genes, one side from their mother and one from their father. Every ethnic group has some sort of genetic mutation in their group’s overall DNA spectrum that features certain genes that don’t work and thus can cause problems. Generally, genetic testing deals with recessive disorders, which means that you need a copy of the defected gene from both parents to display the symptoms of the disease (as opposed to a dominant disorder, wherein one copy of the gene will make child affected by the disease). Someone who only has one of these mutated genes along with a healthy copy of that gene (one from each parent) is called a carrier – meaning that they are unaffected by the disease/syndrome coded for in that aberrant gene.

Percentage wise, for two parents that are carriers of the same disease, 50% of their children will be carriers (but unaffected), 25% will be totally free of the affected gene, and 25% will be born with the disease. So basically, with a couple wherein both the husband and wife are carriers for a particular disease, they run the risk of a combination of their egg and sperm that will produce a child that suffers from a potentially or actually fatal genetic disease. Back in the day, before we had advanced our level of scientific study to the point where it stands now, the children that result from a marital union were really the luck of the draw. As such, there were unfortunate couples that had a number of children who died (often early in life) due to the manifestations of these diseases.

Clearly, this is an extremely serious matter (listen to the shiur for the full halachic perspective from Rav Willig).

At present time, we now have the technology and scientific knowhow to check the genetic code of a particular individual and identify whether or not they “carry” genetic coding for these recessive genetic diseases (such as Tay-Sachs or Gaucher’s). As such, young men and women can be equipped (and I’ll explain the two different means of testing in a moment) to avoid heartbreak and personal tragedy by not dating and marrying a spouse who would (if they married) greatly increase the statistic likelihood of having children that suffer and die from these diseases.

Now for the two means of testing: closed testing (Dor Yeshorim) and open testing (like NYU or a number of other institutions).

Most people are aware of the history that led to the creation and perpetuation of Dor Yeshorim, so I won’t attempt to retell that here. Dor Yeshorim utilizes closed testing, which means that they collect 4-5 vials of blood from a young man or woman looking to date for marriage and perform a genetic characterization of their DNA.

The donor is assigned a serial number, which they must record for perpetuity (or at least until they get married) – and this is all they ever know. Dor Yeshorim does not assign a name to their file, nor do they ever release the results of their DNA characterization to anyone (potential shidduch and the actual person as well). You will never know what, if anything at all, you may have within your genes (see this article for why this has been seen as controversial). The stated reasoning behind this is to prevent any possible social stigmas (IE it’s “Bad For Shidduchim”), or personal neuroses stemming from the knowledge that you’re a carrier.

At some point in the dating process, the guy and girl exchange numbers, call up Dor Yeshorim, type in their numbers (both people have to do this, or Dor Yeshorim thinks someone is just being nosy – I made this mistake once early on, thinking that I would be trusted to tell the girl – they ended up calling the number she had registered with, which was her home number, and her mother answered the phone, unaware that she was dating!). They check their database and call back within the day (usually an hour or so later) to tell you to go ahead with the shidduch, which means there are no genetic incompatibilities, or that there is a problem. In that case, they tell you what it is since some potential conditions can, indeed, be worked with using modern medical technology such as In Vitro Fertilization (IVH) along with Pre-Implantation Diagnosis (PGD) – but at great financial cost and emotional turmoil (just ask any couple you know who is, rachmana latzlan, experiencing fertility issues).

Open testing, as done by NYU and a few other genetic testing organizations also requires obtaining several vials of blood, and similar tests are performed to characterize potential genes for potential genetic diseases. However, this method if often more comprehensive than Dor Yeshorim, which only checks for a select list (9 or 11 I think) of genetic, recessive (as opposed to dominant), fatal diseases. In a few weeks you receive a full print out of your results, telling you what you are a carrier for (if anything at all).

In the process of open testing, it is up to you to match notes with your shidduch to see if there are any incompatibilities. While some may be bothered by knowing what they have in their genes, it really isn’t a big deal at all, and literally has no affect on your life other than making sure that you don’t meet/date people with whom you would potentially have children affected by a fatal disease. A friend of mine asked Rav Tendler asked him what he should do in choosing Dor Yeshorim or NYU, and Rav Tendler replied, “Aren’t you a big boy now, can’t you handle knowing about your genes?”

Truthfully, the Dor Yeshorim system really is designed for communities that are not well-versed in secular knowledge (like sciences such as biology) and thus don’t understand that being a carrier isn’t a big deal. In very finicky shidduch systems, like in the more right-winged or Chassidic communities, where people do freak out over every little thing, this can be an issue that is troublesome for carriers. Whatever some more “modern” people might say about this, the fact is that incidences of Tay-Sachs have been virtually eliminated from these communities for a number of years now.

Dor Yeshorim has basically become a standard of sorts, since the vast majority of Orthodox girls get tested through them by their senior year of high school, or while in Israel. Thus, for guys who don’t get tested so early (which is seemingly stemming from a teshuva in Igros Moshe which recommended specific ages for young men and women to get tested – back in the day when open testing for Tay-Sachs was all that was available – listen to Rav Willig for more info). Thus is makes sense for a lot of people to do Dor Yeshorim just to be able to match up their status with girls they’re going out, since 99.9% of them (which is a guesstimation on my part) of the girls they are set up with have already done Dor Yeshorim.

However, Dor Yeshorim a policy that they will not test someone who has already had open testing, since they are philosophically opposed to the idea of open testing. Rav Willig has poskined that if one wishes to do both, he/she should do Dor Yeshorim first (thus preventing any genaivas da’as when they ask you to sign the form stating you’ve not been tested openly beforehand), and then do NYU afterward. That’s what I did – so I use Dor Yeshorim when I need to check my status with a girl I’ve been going out with but I also know exactly what my status is.

Rav Goldvicht recommends within the YU community that the guy and girl should check with Dor Yeshorim after the 4^th or 5^th date where the relationship seems to progressing towards more serious territory, but not so serious that breaking up, if need be, would be such a big deal. He says that in America it has become a big “thing” to compare Dor Yeshorim much later, as a precursor to engagement, which is generally a bad idea – what if you think you’ve found the love of your life and suddenly you are confronted with the reality that you may not be able to properly have children in the normal way?

Rav Willig strongly recommends that if this happens to people they should end the relationship, regardless of attachment. There are plenty of other people to get married to, why put yourself in a potentially tragic situation of G-d forbid losing children, never having natural conception, and going through the emotionally draining (and financially costly) process of IVF and PGD – or even living with playing “Russian roulette” and the possibility of terminating a pregnancy? The halachic difficulties, not to mention that the psychological traumas involved in these situations are not easily dealt with.

Genetic screening is not 100% accurate, but the vast majority of tests (for the most common and major genetic recessive diseases) have a predictive success rate of 95% or higher. While not perfect (since the labs are not going through your entire genome), it’s much better than flying blind. Major poskim across the hashkafic spectrum strongly advise, or require their constituents to take advantage of genetic testing (in whichever variety they recommend).

So if you have been tested, great! If you’ve only done Dor Yeshorim, perhaps consider getting tested through NYU as well (they have a number of opportunities to get open tested at no cost to you, and insurance usually covers all, if not most of the cost – and NYU will pick up the rest of the tab, if need be). EVERYONE should do open testing once they’ve gotten engaged (having previously found out their proper compatibility with Dor Yeshorim) – the reasoning being that if you and your wife know exactly what you carry (and at best you might not carry anything at all) you will have a heads up regarding your children. If you both find out you’re clean of such genetic mutations, then your kids will never have to worry about getting tested (Rav Willig and his wife did/do this – “do,” because every few years a new test for a different disorder is finally released for use by labs, so it’s worth it to expand your knowledge base).

This is the end of my very unprofessional run-down of genetic screening for marriage. PLEASE take time to listen to this lecture/shiur to get the full picture of the process from both the scientific and halachic perspectives.

The Most Important Test You'll Ever Take - Genetic Screening Lecture

I was asked by a friend to announce this very important event that will be taking place on the Wilf Campus at YU tonight (sorry for the small flyer picture, I wasn't given the actual image, so I stole this off of Facebook):

TONIGHT: March 2nd at 9 PM in room 307 of the Jacob and Dreizel Glueck Center for Jewish Study:

The Yeshiva University Student Medical Ethics Society and the Center for the Jewish Future present

Genetic Screening:

The Most Important Test You'll Ever Take

Learn about the importance of genetic testing, the different screening programs, and the halachic issues pertaining to genetic screening.

Featuring

Rav Mordechai Willig

Rosh Yeshiva at Rabbi Isaac Elchanan Theological Seminary (RIETS)

Rosh Yeshiva at the Mazer School of Talmudic Studies

Rabbi of Young Israel of Riverdale

and

Rachel T. Klein, MS, CGC

ABGC Certified Genetic Counselor

Holy Name Hospital

Member: New York Presbyterian Healthcare System

Affiliate: Columbia University College of Physicians & Surgeons

**

Tuesday, March 2nd

9:00 PM

Glueck Center Room 307

Refreshments will be served!

Co-sponsored by SOY and YSU

Shidduchim Of The (Near) Future: Don't Wear Genes On A Date

Natan turned the corner and brought his car to a stop in front of Shayna’s house. He managed to park his vehicle just so, such that the passenger side door was positioned directly opposite the end of the walkway. He flipped down his visor-mirror, adjusted the knot of his necktie, and quickly checked to make sure his teeth were clear of debris, though he knew he had brushed them quite thoroughly before he left his apartment. This was his fifth date with Shayna, and they had decided together to drop the shadchan after their last outing. That meant things might be shifting into a more serious direction, the prospects of which were very exciting to Natan.

He got out of the driver’s seat as soon as he saw Shayna’s beautiful face appear in the small window next to the front door. He quickly scurried around the hood of his car and opened the door for her as she made her way down the cobblestone path toward him. Natan turned to Shayna and smile gallantly. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that she clutched a small set of papers in her right hand. After a brief exchange of pleasantries, he gently closed the door behind her, then scuttled around the backside of his car to join her inside.

Natan buckled his seatbelt as soon as he sat down, and was about to put the key into the ignition when he realized that Shayna hadn’t secured her own safety belt. She simply sat there, glancing over the series of papers she held in her lap with both hands.

“Is… is there something wrong?” He raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

“This isn’t going to work out,” Shayna’s tone was steady and firm. Natan was blown away.

“I don’t understand…” his mind grasped for words, but remained largely blank.

“I’m sorry,” her voice filled the awkward silence that stifled them both. After a moment, Natan found the ability to speak.

“Didn’t we just decide that we didn’t need a go-between anymore? Isn’t that usually an indicator that we’re thinking about the relationship in more of a long-term perspective?”

“Yeah, about that…” Shayna rifled through the papers again.

“What?” A slight tinge of frustration crept into his voice. Natan did not want to get angry. He knew that would undermine his attempt to defuse the developing situation.

“Well, the report finally came back, and it was largely negative,” she stated, matter-of-factly.

“Huh?” That did not make sense to Natan. “You waited until now to do research on me? Don’t we always do that kind of thing before anyone even agrees to go on a date in the first place?!”

“This,” she indicated the papers with a slight shake, “is not a background check.”

“Then, pray-tell, what is it?” He dismissively displayed his palm and waggled his fingers.

“A complete analysis of your genome,” Shayna replied.

“Is it now?” Natan thought this was beginning to get a little weird. “May I see that?”

“Sure!” Shayna’s response seemed a little too cheery. She handed him the papers.

Natan glanced over the documents. They consisted of a large series of numbers, a bunch of A’s, T’s, C’s and G’s, several graphs of various kinds (bar, pie chart, and line plots), with several sentences or passages highlighted and annotated throughout.

“I’m not quite sure what all this means… Biology wasn’t my best subject in high school,” his brow furrowed in strained concentration as he tried to make sense of all the symbols before him.

“Actually… this is far beyond anything you would have seen in high school, except for the concept of DNA, perhaps. It’s really simple, though,” Shayna chirped.

“Care to explain it to me?” Natan looked up and met Shayna’s gaze.

“Sure! No problem,” she quickly snatched the papers from him and turned them right-side up. She briefly rearranged the sheets, raised the back of her left hand to her lips and lightly cleared her throat.

“Basically, my father, who as you know is a molecular geneticist, utilized some hair and cell samples we collected from you-”

“You collected samples from me!?” Natan felt violated.

“How else were we going to run a full diagnostic prognostication and characterization of your genetic makeup?” Shayna crossed her arms. “My father needed some source of your DNA to perform the required analyses.”

“When did that happen!?” Natan was beginning to feel overwhelmed. “Did you stick me with a needle when I wasn’t looking and take blood or something?”

“No, no, no. That would be too obvious, not to mention an infringement of your personal wellbeing.”

“So how did you get my DNA, then?”

“First, we gathered some leftover cheek cells off the cup you drank from before I came downstairs for our first date. Then, I discreetly picked up a few loose hairs from your car on the ride home that night.” Shayna pushes a few loose locks of her dark blonde hair behind her ear. “After I turned the samples over to my father, he spent the last two weeks running tests in his lab at work...”

“Gosh.”

“…and the results just came back today. As it turns out, you and I would never really work out.” She pointed to a bar graph, “For example-”

“Wait-a-minute, we already did Dor Yeshorim and were given the go ahead! So what is all this?” Natan exclaimed, his patience wearing thin.

“It’s not that we aren’t genetically compatible per se, it’s just that you aren’t what I’m looking for in a lifelong marital partner.”

“How can you tell that from my genes? I thought we were getting along pretty well so far, and you must have liked my hashkafot and personality at least a little bit, right?” From Shayna’s uneasy facial contortion, it seemed to Natan that had he struck a nerve.

“Well…” She squirmed in her seat. “I do like you... But-”

“‘But’ what?” He inquired.

“I just don’t want to be a widow for 20 years,” she blurted out. “Among other things, that is.”

“What does that mean!? You know when I’m going to die?!”

“Not precisely. Dad calculated your genetically programmed lifespan, give or take three years. He compared those figures with my own, and it turns out you’re expected to live until around 75, while I’m going to make it until upwards of 90,” she frowned slightly. “I just want to make sure I have companionship in those last two decades, grandchildren and great-grandchildren can be a handful, you know.”

“This is ridiculous. What were the “other things” you mentioned?”

“To be honest, I’m not such a fan of your predominate gene for darker hair color. Everyone in my family has shades of blonde or light brown – including my older siblings’ kids – so I don’t really want to disturb that motif.”

“Seriously?!” Natan shouted. A realization hit him and he retorted defiantly, “Does this have anything to do with the fact that I have a Sephardic background? Are all these scientific shtuyot a covert means to disguise your high-and-mighty Ashkenazi racism against your fellow Jew?”

“Chas V’Shalom!” Shayna cried out and stared downward into her lap. Natan’s irritation lessened ever-so-slightly upon hearing her religious aphorism. She gradually lifted her head and looked him in the eye again. “However…”

“Oh, this should be good,” he rolled his eyes to accentuate his sarcasm.

“Well, due to the close-knit socio-cultural background of your particular Sephardic heritage, it seems that your extended family had a practice of intramarriage among first cousins.”

“And what’s wrong with that? True, that still happens every now and then, but it’s such a rare occurrence in my generation. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of marriage al pi halacha. Are you worried about some sort of social stigma? Do you think we’re a bunch of inbred rednecks or whatever?”

“Not at all!” She answered assuredly.

“Well, that’s a relief,” he sighed.

“On the other hand,” she began, but stopped herself to wait and see if Natan would react. He refrained from issuing another indignant outburst and gave her a “go-on” expression. “Because of your ancestral history of intra-family marriage, you inherited a familial genetic mutation for polydactylism.”

“Which is?”

“Being born with an extra finger or toe, sometimes on one hand or foot, occasionally both. It tends to run in families.”

Natan’s mind flashed back to memories of his Savta in Israel, and the little bumps on the other side of each pinky finger. His cousin had told him that Savta was born with six fingers both hands, but had them removed shortly thereafter, leaving the little protrusions as a physical reminder.

“In your case, the extra digits appear every third generation,” Shayna continued. “Which means that at least one of your kids will have superfluous fingers or toes. I just don’t want my children to have to go through that kind of thing. It would be very traumatizing, even if the additional fingers are amputated at a young age.”

“You know, this is really making me angry. I can’t believe that you are putting so much substance into these reports of yours!” Natan gripped the steering wheel, his muscles tense.

“That was the other major issue that showed up,” she flipped to another graph that had a lot of red color in it. “Your dispensation for having a short temper and your tendency to suffer from frequent bouts of anger,” Shayna pointed at the graph, indicating how much larger the red portion was than the other colors.

“Look, no one is perfect, and everyone gets angry now and then. Do you doubt my ability to learn mussar and improve my middot?”

“That’s the problem. Based on your genetics, I’m afraid that whenever you do get angry you’ll end up blaming your genome. Basically, you’ll excuse your bad behavior on a lack of free will, and I really won’t be able to say anything back in my defense.”

“Ok, that’s it!” Natan’s voice had risen in pitch and was almost trembling. “I can totally understand that you want to dump me, but I am really sick of hearing about how bad of a husband and human being I’m going to be in the future. I really don’t care what your precious data tells you, because I know I’m going to be a good husband and father!” He stopped his tirade, closed his eyes, and took in a few deep breaths. “Now, please,” his tone of voice was much calmer, “leave my car, and have a good night. I’ll stay here for a minute to make sure you get inside okay.”

“Alright,” she reached for the door handle. “At least we understand each other now,” Shayna offered a well-practiced smile. Natan gritted his teeth.

“Go on, get moving!”

“How rude!” Shayna replied, her hand pressed to her collarbone, fingers splayed to emphasize her offense. She hurriedly opened the door, slammed it hard behind her, and stormed up the walkway. Natan didn’t even bother checking Shayna out as she made her way back to her house, and instead stared at the lifeless speedometer.

“Just like my dating life,” he remarked, contemplating the unmoving indicator. He flinched slightly when he heard the front door slam shut. Natan started up the car and drove off.

Family Facts and Shidduchim

I think this is a great post on DovBer is worth a read. It talks about how familial information can sometimes cause problems for potential shidduchim. The author also mentions a very interesting notion about being shomer negiah and avoiding potential slip-ups in this area.

Great Date... Things to Consider

Today was probably the longest first date I've ever been on: almost, if not precisely - 5 hours. I totally lost track of time and didn't even check my watch at some random interval (inconspicuously of course). I've gotten better at weaving in that "looking a the watch" move into a gesture related to the conversation, such as a remark someone made about looking at time or something... I try to be nonchalant about these things - without offending people. As they say, time flies when you're having fun - and the conversation is flowing, personalities are meshing well, hashkafic similarity becomes evident, and the interplay of give and take of ideas feels natural. It also didn't hurt that unlike last time (and a few others before then), I thought she was fairly attractive.

This was also after a very positive, nearly 3 hour long initial phone conversation last week. I get the feeling that first phone calls really aren't meant to be nearly that long - basically the length of an actual date. But as with the date itself, what's wrong with prolonging the experience if both are enjoying the other's company and positive relationship-building is occurring?

Onto things to consider....

One concern that has become apparent this time, which I've never encountered in this fashion before, and is actually no fault to the person, but still something to consider: family medical history. I'm not talking about her grandfather died of a heart attack, but rather there is a much more immediate family member that suffered from a certain disease, and was successfully treated (thankfully), but statistically could mean that she is almost certainly at a higher risk for developing the same condition herself at some later stage in life.

Now, you could say to me, "Grey, you're being far too nit-picky about these things, give her a chance, and think about that sort of morbid topic later." While I admit that revealing the fact that a grandparent died of some ill-health related circumstance would certainly reflect negatively on me as well (paternal grandmother had Alzheimer's for 11 years, and her husband, my paternal grandfather had cancer, twice I think, and eventually died from it), and I would assume that most people's grandparents, unless they died relatively young, developed something that contributed to the end of their life, since as people age, things in the body start to go wrong. However, something like say, a parent, makes me a bit more anxious. Total family genetic history aside - a direct connection like that gives me a cause for concern.

I'm not going to go off the deep end and not have a second date because of this family medical history revelation (which I did not know beforehand, but maybe I just didn't ask the right people when I did research, or perhaps I should have let my usual research people do their job instead of me feeling all gung-ho and wanting to do things on my own). This is not something that can be entirely ignored and placed out of mind, particularly when I recall the recent panel discussion on the BRCA gene (breast cancer gene) that occurred at the Medical Ethics Conference (see audio files here: medicine, ethics, halacha). However, I fully realize that there is no guarantee of anyone having these sorts of inherited diseases (unless their entire immediate family and other extended family members have/had it, and their statistic risk goes through the roof), and this is not something I should be worried about at the moment.

She did freely offer the information unprompted, and seems to be not so concerned, I would presume since, thankfully, the condition was diagnosed in the early stages and proper treatment was sought and administered successfully. It was still a bit jarring to hear that mentioned so readily on a first date. Reality is what it is, and certainly everything that needs to be disclosed needs to be told over at the appropriate time in the dating process so that one can make an informed decision about this person as a viable marriage candidate. Maybe I was just thrown for a loop because of how early this was brought up (and rather early on in the date as well, even though it was semi-quickly dealt with and we moved on to other, more interesting topics).

Also, no one is perfect, and no one has a perfect personal or family medical history. I must learn to be non-judgmental about things like this, or perhaps that is overly judgmental, since nothing of this sort can be entirely ignored or denied.

It's up to me to focus my attention soley on her now and delve deeper into what makes her such a great person (as her friends attested to, and I'm just beginning to find out myself). Where we go from here, who knows? It's time to look forward to the second date.