Happiness Is An Avodah

I heard this idea presented in shul tonight.

We all want to be happy. Most people strive to achieve happiness, but stumble and struggle, and are even discouraged that they may ever be truly happy.

Image Source: http://www.deliveringhappiness.com/12-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Often enough, however, we tend to think that the source of our happiness comes from some external source. If only we had X, Y, or Z - then we'd really be happy. But, because we don't have those things right now, we aren't happy, and we believe that we can't be happy without them.

Rav Yaakov Weinberg Z'tl said that this is a harmful train of thought. By declaring that you can't be happy because you don't currently have X, Y, or Z - you are deciding for yourself not to be happy. Happiness shouldn't be dependent on something external to us. Rather, it is self-generated from within our own minds and souls.

Rav Weinberg elaborated on this theme, saying that this is one of the reasons why Sukkos, known as Zman Simchaseinu - the Time of our Happiness - follows Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, a rather somber and serious period of time. First, we recognize HaShem is our King, and then we plead for our lives from the Ultimate Judge - which doesn't leave a lot of room to focus on happiness.

However this process of going through the Yomim Nora'im is meant to help us recognize a thought pattern that we should ingrain into our daily lives. What brings us true happiness should be the realization that HaShem is indeed, our King, and we are His servants. By doing His requested acts of service, namely the Mitzvos, we will be productive and rewarded, and our internal happiness will stem from our spiritual connection and relationship with HaShem.

Happiness is part of our Avodah of HaShem. It takes hard work, like any Avodah, but we will be better off because of it.

~~~

While thinking about this idea, my mind started making other connections and expansions on the concept.

I know I myself have often focused on external things that I believed, once I attained them, would bring me happiness, but in reality, happiness needs to be self-generated. Whatever stage we are in life - single, dating, engaged, married, parents, grandparents - there is always bound to be something not quite perfect, something lacking in what we expected to have at this stage.

The most stereotypical example is someone engaged and soon-to-be married.

He or she often believes that as soon as they leave the chuppah for the yichud room, everything will be glorious, full of rainbows and sunshine. The truth of the matter is, marriage isn't a happily ever after - it's really hard and requires a lot of work. It can, and will be difficult at times - and couples will struggle with one issue or another.

Nevertheless, everyone still has some positive thing(s) in their life that they have been given as blessings from HaShem. Recognizing them, expressing gratitude for them, and enjoying them - will produce happiness.

If I recall correctly, Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz wrote in one of his books (I think The Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide to Life) that happiness is never an end goal, a destination to be reached or a stage to achieve, rather it is the journey in life itself.

So no matter what troubles are thrown at you in this often crazy world we live in, there is still something we can all recognize and latch onto that will help us create that self-generated state of happiness.

Of all the things I've learned while married, I must say that this is one of the most important: having Simchas HaChaim. Without it, life can get quite dreary and dreadful.

So let us all strive to elevate our minds, bodies and souls with the simcha of the forthcoming chag of Sukkos, and by internalizing Rav Weinberg's ideas, let us choose to be happy, and hopefully we can carry that simcha with us throughout the rest of the year.

Requirements For Marriage: Simchas HaChaim

I've been musing about the nature of marriage and what it takes to be successful in this often-stressful, yet rewarding endeavor. We're told from the time we are children that marriage will lead to the fabled "happily ever after" among other fantastical things, but I don't think enough people out there paint a realistic picture of how difficult and challenging spending your life with someone of the opposite gender can be.

To that end, I want to discuss the attitudinal notion of Simchas HaChaim and what it can and should contribute to one's life, both singe and married.

Somewhat loosely translated, Simchas HaChaim means the "Happiness of Life," though I would modify that to "the happiness inherent in life itself."

On a philosophical level, I would explain it as something akin to Joie de Vivre. It's a perspective on life wherein a person finds joy in anything and everything, in simply living, and in the simple as well as the more grandiose things in life.

Marriage, and life as a whole, can be very difficult at times. There is conflict, misunderstanding, unclear communication, mistakes, offenses committed, along with frustration and the occasional feelings of anger.

And despite all this, there is always something to be happy about. Whether it's because the weather is pleasant outside, you've got a roof over your head and a comfortable bed to sleep in, there's plenty of food on your table and in your fridge, you can't figure out what outfit to wear from your collection of clothing, or you physically feel good without illness or aches and pains.

I think that Simchas HaChaim means to be able to find these sources of brightness that lift you up and bring some cheer to your mind and soul.

Therefore, even if you've just had a big argument with your spouse, something you were looking forward to didn't pan out, or life took an unexpected and disappointing downturn (sudden or otherwise) - you might be rattled, but on the whole you can overcome the present difficulty by putting it into its compartment in your mind, and continue living.

Sure, everyone gets overwhelmed at times, especially when so many things have gone "wrong" and we feel trapped or stuck with nowhere and no one to turn to. We all have those moments where things kind of break down and we're at our lowest emotionally and psychologically. However, I tend to think that in most normal lives this occurs only on the rare occasion and not with any regularity. If someone feels like this the majority of the time, then I would hope and pray that he/she gets the professional help he/she needs.

Being able to handle the ups and downs of life, being able to find something to smile about despite everything else, is one of the main keys to being successful both in life, and in marriage. Without this, a person can become disheartened and begin to doubt him/herself, marriage, and life itself. That's when you need your spouse to help lift you up and out of the darkness. The ability to do that has a lot to do with the dynamics of communication - which is another important key to success in marriage, but that's a topic for its own post.

I very strongly urge all the readers to explore your own sense of Simchas HaChaim, to understand how your individual emotional and mental attitudes and states of being function, and to find that inner sense of happiness with life.

Happiness is not a goal, but rather the enjoyment of the ride that life presents us, wherever we may go.

Cultivating a sense of how we can recognize and summon that sense of internally motivated happiness is extremely important, and will provide a wellspring of inner strength to endure and grow from the often bumpy road of life.

May we all achieve an understanding of our personal Simchas HaChaim, and may that lead us all to happy lives and happy marriages.

It Seems Men And Women Can't Really Be Just Friends After All

Last January, I wrote about a video that was making the rounds on Youtube that consisted of a somewhat unscientific series of interviews that indicated opposite-gender relationships aren't as platonic as most people (especially women) would think.

Now, Scientific American has written an article describing an actual study conducted that heavily indicates that men and women have very different perspectives on how these relationships function, including whether opportunities for romance exist, and if there is some level of physical attraction or not.

In short, men statistically look for the possibility of furthering the relationship romantically, tend to be far more physically attracted to their female friends, and also make the often unsupported assumption that the attraction is mutual. Women are far better at maintaining the viewpoint of keeping things strictly friendly as well as being able to be close friends with someone they are admittedly not attracted to.

She's just laughing, but what is HE thinking about? And where is he looking, mmm?
Image source: http://www.sodahead.com/fun/can-guys-and-gals-ever-be-just-friends/question-2833827/

From my personal experience, as I mentioned in my earlier post - this seems to be very representative of what went on in my own head when I was single and had female friends during high school and even during my time at YU. Aside from the base-level physical attraction that was more likely than not always there, getting to know a girl - both in dating and in these friendships - often creates an even greater level of attraction that transcends the baser physical element. Thus, the closer I became in the friendship, the more attracted I was, and the physical attraction also was magnified.

I think this is simply how guys, on the majority (since there are always exceptions) seem to function.

I'm not here to preach about the evils of being friends with someone of the opposite gender, since I myself greatly benefited from such friendships at times in my life when I needed the advice, support, or encouragement that I felt only a female friend could provide (and none of those things have to do with anything physical whatsoever). I was always one who felt, and probably was, more mature than the majority of my male peers, and I tended to mentally and emotionally connect more to either adults or the girls my age who were probably farther along in their brain development than the guys.

At any rate, I do think this study should give some food for thought for those who are fairly haphazard with their opposite gender friendships. Certainly girls should be aware of the potential issue of their guy friend feeling attracted, and if the feeling isn't mutual, to not give any indication otherwise. Guys should also be more mindful not to have an agenda with such friendships, nor believe that any feelings of attraction are automatically shared by both parties.

Thoughts, anyone?

Craigslist Shabbat Dinner Invite = Soulmate Dinner Date?

I'm a bit flabbergasted that 7 single Jewish guys even thought of doing this, but I have to say it's a brilliant idea and one that, with tweaking, could be a fun, new way for singles to meet people.

The title of the Huffington Post article is: Seven Single Jewish Males Looking To Host Seven Single Females For Shabbat Dinner: D.C. Craigslist Ad Garners International Response.

Basically, the 7 guys posted on Craigslist that they want to put together a Friday night meal for 14, and invited any interested single women to contact that for the opportunity to be one of their guests. Surprisingly, they got a TON of responses, and were able to successfully confirm a select 7 eligible women will join them for dinner this Friday night.

While one of the men in the story, using the alias David Ben-Gurion, stated that they aren't necessarily looking at this dinner event "as a means to get married." But, he later goes on to mention that there will be future such Friday night Shabbat dinners for the women who replied to their ad but were not selected, then remarks, "Though if all goes as planned, it may only be six of us next time." Seems like marriage is definitely on their minds, even if not completely in an overt fashion.

Using such an approach to meet women is very interesting - and would take some serious intestinal fortitude on the part of the guys and girls involved. This is a far step beyond even the annual YU Connect singles Shabbatonim or other such meet and greet events. 

Would any of the single female readers out there be interested in such a unique invitation - assuming everything checked out once communication between the parties began and the gentlemen in question are indeed gentlemen without any cause for concern for the women's safety? 

Maybe this sort of thing should be looked into as a potential YU/Stern related dating event?

Judging Yourself While Dating

Looking Within

This post was born from some ruminations in my head about people going out with others who veer away from their personal standard of "normal," and how to come to terms with such differences/conflicts/complications.

Case in point - you've always been an omnivore, enjoying both meat and dairy (as well as vegetables) as part of your diet for 20-something years, and suddenly you find yourself on a date, or perhaps in an even a more serious relationship, with an individual who will not, per his/her beliefs, or cannot, per his/her biological constitution, eat the same foods you've always enjoyed at mealtime. Whether he/she does not eat meat at all, red meat, dairy or some other comestible you've come to define as a staple of your regular diet, you are now presented with a conflict of interests.

Does this person mean enough to me, given the rest of his/her personality, middos, dreams, desires, needs, etc, that I can handle this deviation from my norm?

Perhaps you've been one of the fortunate individuals who has always known what it means to have a loving home with two married parents, and the biological parents of this person sitting across the table from you haven't lived in the same home since your date was 5, or fought like cats and dogs until their bitter divorce a few years ago. This clearly has had some impact on your date, molded the way he/she has grown and developed, shaped his/her perspectives in ways you probably can't begin to comprehend.

Does this worry you, frighten you? Do you think about those statistics you read about regarding children from divorced parents being more likely to become divorced themselves?

These are simply two examples, among countless others, which can create mind-twisting dilemmas for daters.

The key to navigating these "deviations" from the norm - or rather, your norm - is to stop and turn inward. Your date's norm is clearly different from your own, and by the standard with which you were raised and have experienced life, they may be lacking or even seemingly "problematic" in some form, based on your own experience.

But that's not the way to determine if he/she can be a worthwhile spouse.

The key is to remain objective about your date, and his/her differences - assuming he/she is otherwise healthy, not plagued by harmful emotional imbalance or utterly unrealistic expectations that border on impossible and perhaps dangerous fantasy - and to judge yourself, not your date.

Hopefully, your date will be forthcoming, given the appropriate timing and length of the courtship, with all the ins and outs about him/her, including things that may not be viewed in such a positive light. Real marriage consideration requires knowing the whole picture, warts and all, and determining if YOU can live with this other reality as part of your own.

It is not for us to judge someone who comes from a broken home, automatically labeling him/her as damaged goods. They are what they are, and that is factual. Hopefully, he/she has learned to be resilient and grown from potentially negative experiences, rather than allow them to remain as destructive or caustic influences in his/her life - regardless if the issue or persons involved have become entirely resolved. One can live with a disruptive parental figure by placing the appropriate boundaries and developing healthy emotional reactions that maintain one's own sense of well-being, notwithstanding the parent's anger or personal imbalance. Such a person can also learn from positive parenting role models, and through self-introspection, develop a form of beneficial parenting that he/she would like to embody for his/her own future children, distinct from what was seen during his/her childhood and being actively cognizant not to fall to the trap of the modes of parenting he/she experienced.

What one needs to do as a dater is to look within. Given the reality of the person sitting across from me, can I acknowledge, accept, adapt and live with the challenges, difficulties, and "abnormalities" that are being presented to me, and will be a part of my future life should I choose to marry this person?

The decision regarding "can I handle this?" should not negatively impact on your view of your date. No one is perfect, and we are mandated to judge everyone favorably.

If you end up deciding your date is not appropriate for you, based on your self introspection, your choice shouldn't hinder your ability to suggest this person to others you may know - and allow them to evaluate the potential of their match with your former date without preconceived negative impressions that you may want to pass along.

Judging yourself, rather than your date is not an easy thing to do. But it's essential to figuring out the marriage potential of the relationship. You can't expect a person to change or willingly alter their habits and attitudes to match your own to prevent conflict. Take into consideration who they are and what they're about, and see how well it fits you and your ability to act in consonance with another person as a life partner.

Part 2 coming soon.

Marry Jewish: Our Future Is In Your Hands.

Today I read an op-ed piece on The Jewish Daily Forward by Jane Eisner titled "For 2013, A Marriage Agenda," thanks to a link on Hirhurim's news postings.

Eisner's piece is thoughtful, and thought provoking, especially for those of us who know, are friends with, or perhaps related to Jews who are not particularly observant and are rather free-spirited when it comes to who they date and who they would consider marrying.

As I mentioned at the end of my post The Shanda of "Chrismukkah," I believe that intermarriage is perhaps the worst thing an individual Jew can do nowadays, because he or she is actively choosing to betray his or her own people, friends, family, and parents.

Eisner cites the statistics of later marriage period, and thus fewer marriages and fewer births, which combine with a 1/3 to 1/2 of those unions being intermarriage, are set to decimate (and are decimating) the non-Orthodox Jewish population.

While some people in various circles of our Torah Observant populace might turn their nose up and announce that our less observant brethren are getting just what they deserve - and as soon as they're all gone the "frum" people will be the only ones left to define and embody Judaism - I say we have to stop this madness before so many unique, precious people are lost to the sands of time.

One particular paragraph in Eisner's piece struck me:

But this acceptance — some call it assimilation — comes at a price we are not willing to acknowledge, which I believe endangers the future of egalitarian, progressive American Judaism. And we don’t know what to do. Parents do not want to alienate their children with what may seem like outdated prejudices, while religious authorities, such as they are, are reluctant to judge for fear of rejection. We hope that those coming into our community will compensate for all who leave, but they won’t. We pour money into free 10-day trips to Israel with the not-so-hidden agenda of promoting inmarriage, and they do a little. But such “success” comes at a huge monetary cost, with the added risk of tying Jewishness only to Israel — hardly a winning argument in today’s political environment.

Without expressly admitting it, I think this indicates who the primary people at fault are: the parents.

For years, in personal communication with people in my hometown community and elsewhere, I've been decrying how much the parents have negated their responsibility for instilling a firm sense of Jewish identity in their children. This happens in Orthodox homes as well, Modern and not - and is the reason I strongly encourage high school graduates to find the program in Israel that best suits him or her so that they can forge their own Jewish identity of their choosing - one that will be strong enough to combat the pressures of college, wherever they attend, and guide them in a path of recognition and service of G-d that includes marrying a Jewish spouse.

Parents who still have young children need to open their eyes and realize what impact, or lack thereof, they are having on their kids with regard to establishing and creating their own Jewish identity. Children may not want to be exactly like their parents, hashkafically or otherwise, and that needs to be acceptable, rather than a source of discord that pushes their offspring further away and into such a lack of Jewish observance that they intermarry.

Parents who themselves have been fortunate enough to marry a Jewish spouse need to realize that what made them choose to do so will probably have little to no influence on their children. They don't have the grandparents or parents who were immigrants and instilled the basic need of marrying someone Jewish, regardless of how many mitzvos they did or didn't keep. The more these parents keep their heads in the sand, the more they will come to regret a future heartbreak when their son or daughter brings a non-Jew home to meet the parents and their dreams of Jewish grandchildren go up in flames. Even if a daughter ends up marrying a gentile, that does not create an environment which will be conducive to the growth of a hardy Jewish identity, and those grandchildren, though halachically Jewish, will be that much more likely to care very little about having a Jewish husband or wife - and could view their mother as hypocritical for suggesting otherwise.

For the youth, young adults, and adults out there - we need to educate them. Books like Why Marry Jewish? by Rabbi Doron Kornbluth (who I heard speak when this book was released) explain the need to marry-in without beating people over the head with Jewish guilt or more extreme-minded perspectives that can and do turn people off.

Every Jew out there has a spark within, some call it the Pintele Yid, which can and should be engaged. There is bound to be some topic about Judaism that interests the guy or girl you know that can capture their thoughts and imagination. Even if they don't become complete ba'alei teshuva, as wonderful as that would be, averting the disaster of intermarriage is something that needs to be addressed by every single one of us.

Keep our future Jewish. Date Jewish. Marry Jewish. Raise your children to be proud of their Jewish identity. Make it the bedrock of who they are so that they will always choose to build the rest of their lives by that path.

Let's not forsake any more unfortunate souls... we've lost too many already.

YU-Connects To-Go 5773 - Divrei Torah About Dating and Marriage

After a delay due to hurricane Sandy, the YUConnects along with Yeshiva University's Center for the Jewish Future have published a collection of Divrei Torah and professional insights about dating and marriage that are authored by numerous well-respected Roshei Yeshiva, rabbeim, teachers, doctors and professionals.

I am a big of the To-Go booklets of Divrei Torah, and always make sure a batch gets delivered to our shul. If you're lucky, your congregation will have these available shortly, but if they run out or happened to not have ordered any, all the articles are available online to download for free. 

Here are the various different articles and their authors:

• Divrei Bracha from Rabbi Hershel Schachter
• Rabbi Kenneth Brander - "Foreword"
• Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky - "Introduction"
• Rabbi Michael Taubes - "Is there a Mitzvah to Arrange Shidduchim?"
• Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky - "Rejoice Beloved Friends"
• Mrs. Mindy Eisenman - "Communication in Relationships in Tanach: A Paradigm for Others"
• Rabbi Chaim Eisenstein - "The Ultimate Connection: Developing the Necessary Tools for a True Lasting Connection in Your Marriage"
• Rabbi Akiva and Chaya Sima Koenigsberg - "Matchmaking Fees and Beyond"
• Rabbi Ari Sytner - "Our Words: Helpful or Hurtful? Ona'at Devarim in the Singles Community"
• Rabbi Dovid Cohen - "Dating or Waiting: When Am I Ready?"
• Dr. Chani Maybruch - "Essentials to Look for in a Spouse"
• Shana Yocheved Schacter, CSW - "Relationships that Work: Introspection and Expectations"
• Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Schwartz - "Seeking Mr./Mrs. "Perfect": Denying Mr./Mrs. "Right""
• Dr. Sara Barris - "Deepening your Relationship: Dating and Beyond"
• Mrs. Marjorie Glatt, J.D. - "Let's Get Practical! Top Tips for Increasing Matches in Your Community"
• Dr. Nicole Schreiber-Agus, Estie Rose & Chani Wiesman Berliant - "Frequently Asked Questions about Genetic Testing"
• Rabbi Dr. Eddie Reichman - "The Mandate of Genetic Testing"
• Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky - "Points to Ponder: Positive Action Items"

Enjoy! I hope the insights contained in these Divrei Torah and articles will inspire daters and shadchanim alike.

Fantastic Musical Proposal Video

Eric, the fellow starring in this cute music video that details his proposal to his fiancee whom he met on J-date, is quite the talented guy. I'm very impressed with the overall quality and creativity shown in the arrangement, choreography and seemingly random bits of humor thrown in (the male ballet dancer?).

I think he's got the Maccabeats and Y-Studs proposals beat.

Maybe we should have an annual competition for Jewish musical proposal videos? The winner could get an appearance by the Maccabeats (or someone else of their choice) at their wedding or chuppah.

So, female readers - what would you think if your gentleman caller and hoping to be fiance made a production such as this for you?

Another Maccabeats Marriage Update

My last post on the subject of the marriage availability of the members of the Maccabeats was this past January, with a new image that was subsequently updated in February - and is now outdated.

The updated graphic, as well as its original version, are the most (and basically only) downloaded files from my blog. I wanted to set the record straight so people, probably eager female fans, will stop downloading the  old picture.

Not only have several Maccabeats gotten married, there is also a NEW Maccabeat (and former Y-Stud) who has joined the group.

Click to enlarge.

The Members of The Maccabeats

Also, We will now have a separate availability graphic for the members of Standfour.

The members of StandFour

So for all those girls and potential mothers-in-law out there hoping for a Maccabeat Marriage - time is running out! 

...Unless there are more new (single) Maccabeats added in the future.

So, Who's Getting Married on 12/12/12?

Assuming the Mayans were wrong and the world isn't coming to an end next Wednesday, is anyone planning on getting married? This'll be the last time for 100 years that the invitation and bentschers will have triple double-digits.

I know of a few couples who got married on 10/10/10, though I didn't hear of any 11/11/11 weddings (now THAT's a cool wedding date) because it unfortunately fell on a Friday. Any of these triple numerical wedding dates definitely makes remembering anniversaries easier - at least for the couple. 

One of my friends, who got married on 10/10/10, told me that a family friend called his parents to get their phone number so she could call the couple and wish them a happy first anniversary the year after they got married. His parents told her she already missed it by a month - and she looked at the calendar to discover to her embarrassment that that day was actually 11/11/11.

Next Wednesday is also the 4th day of Chanukah, and 4 x 3 = 12!  I had to find a Jewish connection somehow. 

So, is anyone you know, perhaps you yourself, jumping on the 12/12/12 let's get hitched bandwagon?

Solution To The Shidduch Crisis: Date (And Marry) Younger Guys?

I've noticed an unusual, recurring phenomenon in the past two months or so. Three different young women I know, two who happened to be related, became engaged to guys who are 2-2.5 years younger than they are.

Imagine that!

But Shades of Grey, you'll tell me, it's been done before! You've also heard of a girl you know who married a guy younger than her.

However, how many of you have heard of this happening more often than once in a blue moon?

As I recall from my own dating experience, most girls have little to no desire to go out with guys younger than they are. They're too immature, too inexperienced, totally not ready to settle down and get married. But is it really fair to rule out the possibility of a decent guy, who for all intents and purposes is either already a) working, b) in grad school, or c) exactly where you are in undergrad or d) learning/in semicha, but just so happens to have walked this earth for a few years less than you have? I don't think so.

From a guy's perspective, there is some period of time where guys tend to like, fall for, or have crushes on slightly older girls. I'm not talking 20 year old boy for a 30 year old girl, which could be possibly somehow, but say a 22 year old guy being interested in a 24 or 25 year old girl. If the guy is willing to go out with her, should she turn him down because of his youth and inexperience? I think this would merit further consideration and not end up a missed chance.

There's also the fact to consider that woman typically live longer than men. I have argued against the idea of guys who are much older than the girls they go out with, because their wives would be widows for far longer than their peers who married similarly aged men. In this case, it might even out nicely and the couple would live out the duration of their lives together. I think that's a nice idea, but I don't know how much other people think about that kind of thing.

Although not entirely comparable, an article from the New York Times published this past May discusses what seems to be a trend in the secular world: older girls are choosing to date younger guys in high school as well as college. Interesting eh?

Maybe this could, or even should, be a new trend in our world as well; one that has the potential to truly make an impact on the shidduch dating scene.

That, or we could end up with this as a possible future.

So, single girls and single guys, what do you think? Have you, or would you consider going out on a shidduch date where the guy was 2 years (or more) younger than the girl?

Frumster Becomes JWed. Volunteer Needed!

Like Tania over at Thinking Jew Girl, I was recently contacted regarding the transformation of Frumster into JWed, with a greater focus on Jewish singles looking to get married.

This is their press release:

Since 2001, Frumster.com, the #1 Jewish Dating Service for orthodox and frum singles, has successfully matched 2,148 Jewish singles in marriage, and so far in 2012, there has been an average of four weddings every week. Frumster has been able to achieve this growing marriage-rate by continually refining its service to have a greater focus on marriage-minded dating.

To call attention to these improvements, Frumster is pleased to announce their new name, JWed.com, which better reflects their mission of bringing Jewish singles together in marriage. The JWed name is also expected to result in a higher marriage-rate in thefrum community.

Why JWed is even better for orthodox and frum singles:

ü  Marriage – The new name will attract only those singles who are genuinely ready for marriage.

ü  Derech Eretz – Site features now have a greater focus on derech eretz, leading to better first dates and more marriages.

ü  Frum & Private - Enhanced site-wide hashkafah and age filters ensure a frum and private experience.

Specifically, some recent improvements include dramatically expanded halacha-based filters which ensures members won’t see or be seen by inappropriate matches, the removal of public searching for enhanced privacy, and automated age blockers which ensure greater comfort.

For more information on the name change or if you or someone you know is single and ready to get married, visit JWed.com/frumster today.

They even offered to give me free membership for a month to try it out. Fortunately, I am already married, but I suggested another idea to them, which they gladly and generously accepted

In short: I need a female volunteer who will sign up and try out their system for a month for free, then write a review of her experience, including the features, ease of use, etc, which will then be published as a post on this blog.

Interested in potentially becoming another one of JWed's success stories? Please email me at shadesofgreyjblog(at)gmail.com. 

I, Dater

I sit down at the quaint little café table just like every other time.

What’ll it be tonight? Games, sparring, war?

Within minutes, she casually flips her bangs with the back of her hand and I can tell she’s not really interested in me. It oozes from every look and mannerism. The date is effectively over, and now we’re reduced to pure social recreation.

Game on.

She volleys well. She positions herself to receive my remark and then launches another of her own. One more meaningless bit of Jewish geography or fluff piece from her past or something vaguely interesting she read in the news the other day. She doesn’t share anything substantial with me, because what’s the point anyway? As soon as this date is over she’s going to whip out her phone and call the shadchan to tell her it’s a ‘one and done.’

I have to play along, of course. I must be the perfect gentleman, despite the fact that she’s completely and utterly unplugged her mind from our conversation.

I may as well be talking to my dog. At least she’d cock her head to the side, raise her eyebrows and tilt her furry little ears this way and that with interest and rapt attention to my words, even if she has no clue what I was really saying.

Thank G-d, she happens to steal a glance at her watch and notice how late things are getting. She has a paper to write and needs to get back to her dorm. I know it’s a lie because she’d never have gone out in the first place if she had to turn in an assignment tomorrow. She told me so herself when we scheduled our little outing over the phone last week.

I smile and nod politely, offering to take our half-empty foam cups over to the trash bin. She accedes, as she should, thanks me for the favor and for the pleasant evening together in one hurried, mumbled breath. I know deep down she doesn’t mean it, and she thinks this was really a waste of her time. She wanted to but couldn’t, perforce the rules of civility and decency, simply excuse herself and vanish into thin air after she made her judgment call ten minutes after we sat down together.

We don’t even walk together back to the subway station. She wants to get away as soon as possible and waves halfheartedly as she doubles back behind me and heads in the opposite direction, away from the trains that would take her to her dormitory. She probably has other plans or something. In any case, I don’t really care at this point. In fact, I am thankful that I got off easy tonight.

Things don’t always go so smoothly. Especially when things don’t ‘click’ as I would like.

Sometimes hostility brews. I don’t know if it’s because of hashkafic differences or that she just doesn’t like my haircut or the style of my shirt. I can’t recall ever offending a date, but something will just set her off and we begin to go at it like two heavyweight boxers trading blows. We hardly ever raise our voices, though that has happened on occasion. Instead of a meaningful give-and-take conversation, we take turns slugging one another with stories or anecdotes, each trying to outdo the other.

I don’t enjoy this sort of competition, mind you, but I won’t just sit there and let her steamroll me with her frippery. Sometimes it’s about religious topics, whose rabbis and teachers were greater in seminary or yeshiva, sometimes it’s about our childhood experiences, difficulties we’ve been through and survived, or dealing with parents who don’t quite understand what we’ve chosen to become in our level of observance.

Maybe I’ll get a second date out of those girls, but very little changes during the second or third outing. I know deep down that my wife will be inherently different from me in a vast multitude of ways, but I’d rather not end up marrying someone I’m destined to butt heads with at every exchange.

Then there are the times when it’s all-out war and I’m forced to lay a siege at her castle of identity. The girl is so distressed by dating, or maybe again it’s my shirt, that she raises the draw bridge and bolts the windows shut. I can’t learn anything about her, no matter how innocuous my questions or charming my compliments are.

It’s like trying to court Rapunzel when Rapunzel won’t even let down a stand of hair, thus leaving me alone and abandoned, shouting at the sky from the base of her tower.

I try almost anything to pierce that ironclad armor, to get beyond that unbreachable façade of caked-on makeup, straightened to death hair, and razor-sharp creases on her skirt. However, such a task is nigh impossible. My only reward is a neck-ache for staring into the clouds above.

All I want to do is get to know her a bit, so why does she make this so unbelievably difficult? Does she expect me to take her shidduch bio and phone-a-friend references at face value, to put my full faith into the belief that everything that fits on paper is the absolute and only way to go? Is the Shadchan’s word really the last one I’m going to hear before I hear “I do?”

Alas.

Not all my dates are bad, though.

When dates are good, the evening proceeds less like two opposing forces firing cannons at one other and more like a fencing match. There is an art to it, a rhythm and flow that is engaging and enlightening. There is a cerebral connection as one of us lunges to thrust with an idea and the other deflects and offers a riposte. We share a unified choreography, for every move is deliberate and we must work together to form links and mutual associations. An aura of comfort begins to descend from a higher plane.

Here, we are likeminded, not hiding behind impenetrable defenses, but trying to get underneath the natural precautions any person sets up when encountering a stranger for the first time. There is nothing to fear, but we must take time to become used to one another. I begin to connect to the way she talks, laughs, smiles. She becomes more than an unknown person represented by words written and spoken by others. A fully realized individual, with unique qualities worth appreciating materializes. The butterflies in my gut whisper softly that I need to push further and keep the momentum going.

If things go well, I begin to find myself no longer sitting across from a stranger, but an acquaintance, and perhaps, if I’m lucky, a friend.

Upon completion of our polite round of fencing, we transition into a dance.

The rapiers are cast aside, joined by the semi-transparent masks and lightweight armor, and we don fine evening wear.

I notice the twinkle in her eye and the brightness of her smile, and I sense a deeper dialogue is taking place. If we truly connect, I can feel my soul lift into the air above me where it meets hers and they embrace one another. The orchestra swells and our spiritual forms sway in tune to its measure. Our corporeal frames remain firmly planted on our very tangible chairs, but our souls dip and spin in an ethereal bliss, ascending to heavenly realms normally far beyond our mortal reach.

All fortifications fade, revealing the inner essence that was hidden away.

Time has no meaning, and the world simply stops.

More often than not, I fail to notice that our establishment has closed for the night, and an annoyed employee interrupts our spiritual ball, evicting the physical us from the premises.

We walk side-by-side down the street, reluctant to part, though we know we must. She smiles at me, and I respond in kind with my own grin. The hour is late, but our elation brushes away all feelings of fatigue.

We say our goodbyes, and she starts off toward her abode. I watch with longing as the brilliance of her lithe form merges with the distant darkness, and my temporal eyesight fails to detect the glow of her beauty any further.

My soul reaches out for one final caress, and I feel warmth pervade throughout my being.

As I make my own way back to bed, the butterflies within me chatter with mirth. Their excitement is contagious and I revel in the sensation of their exhilaration. It will take effort to calm my thoughts as they flit about, but I will eventually fall asleep and rest. Dreams of all sorts of pleasant futures bounce through my slumbering mind.

Of course, as I write this, I am still dating. Unfortunately, this means that I have been forced to face the premature termination of the lofty connection that my soul ever yearns for. Such a blow can be devastating at first, but with time, I recover and approach the task once again with renewed vigor and determination.

Yet, each time I wonder to myself: is she the one? Will this transcendent grace last forever? Or will it evaporate, ever ephemeral?

I long to find my eternal dance partner. My soul cries out for its long-lost companion.

But for now, I remain steadfast in my quest. I steel my nerves with unwavering resolve, eyes and heart open for the one who will make every day an everlasting waltz of spiritual bliss.

And the band plays on…

  

Shidduchim - There IS An App For That!

It was bound to happen. Less than a year after I wrote a post in response to newly released apps that help people find dates based on GPS technology and proximity, wherein I discussed the theoretical possibilities and potential of a Jewish version - the app actually exists!

Dubbed "Yenta," obviously tongue-in-cheek, the purpose of the app is to circumvent having to fill out lengthy, detailed online profiles and meet people in a more casual fashion. The reporter in the video actually finds a guy using the app and proceeds to interview him.

I'm glad to see that this technology has reached the Jewish Community, even faster than I would have thought when I was writing my post last November. However, I do think my three main points that I concluded the post with will or should show up in some form:

1) The dates necessarily won't be as instantaneous , but let's give a short window of opportunity, say an 1-2 hours, for the interested person, should he/she desire, to make a phone call or two.

2) If the system catches on, and we can create a network of references who "approve" the person, all you would have to do is check the list of registered references and see if there was anyone you know. The dater would have had to contact the person, invite them, we'll say, when they set up their mini-profile, and that individual has to reply and potentially be available for contact. Instead of having a few references, you could end up having a very long list - each categorized differently based on their personal connection to the dater - and odds are, you'll know someone on it, given how Jewish Geography works, especially if both of the daters live in close proximity.

3) For anyone who still wants a shadchan available - and ASoG and I have seen fewer people actually use us at all as intermediaries - those people could also be attached to the profile, "on call" as it were, for post-date follow ups and anything else that may need to be communicated, even a 1 and done reply.

I think #2 is the most significant. Related to that, the Huffington Post article writes,

"As NPR reports, women have proven hesitant to use GPS dating sites because of the potential safety risks. Even Nick Soman, the CEO of LikeBright, another GPS dating app, told NPR that he understands there's a certain creep factor:
"The only thing scarier than a random grab bag full of dudes who are just aggressively messaging you, is a random grab bag full of dudes who are literally around you," he said."

The world is a scary place out there, and I've heard enough horror stories to know that stuff can and does happen. I'm not just talking about bad quality dates, or guys/girls who have issues like anger management, etc - but something like a particular guy someone I know when out with who repeatedly managed to find ways to sequester the two of them in very problematic yichud situations on dates - like in a locked stairwell or apartment rooftop - and managed to force her into hugging and kissing him. She gave in during the moment, but deeply regretted her actions later. Sufficed to say, things could get much more inappropriate than that easily enough.

So if we can work out the kinks in the system, make it safer and more comfortable vis-à-vis checking references and at least knowing the person in someone is safe to be around, I think this technology should be welcomed as another means of helping singles meet their spouse.

On a related note: what's the deal with this new website that will be launching on November 11th, called "Harei At," which claims to be the ultimate solution that will supposedly "totally, officially, definitely, completely, etc. etc." end the so-called shidduch crisis?

How I Feel When I Lend A Single Guy My Tallis

During the layning frenzy from this past Simchas Torah morning minyan, a single guy was the last person to get an aliyah at our breakaway Torah reading (we were 1 of 4 from the hashkama minyan). He walked up to the makeshift bima in the basement classroom and suddenly found himself stuck since he was unmarried and thus not wearing a tallis.

I had received the aliyah immediately prior, and quickly turned to him and offered my tallis, which he gladly accepted and proceeded to make his berachos and receive his aliyah.

Some combination of the excitement/energy of the moment, along with the shiny metal plated atara (crown) of my tallis called to mind an image from my youth that perfectly suited the moment. I managed to track down the source and created this nifty animated gif.

Yes, it feels exactly like that. For all the male, unmarried readers - just wait until the first time a single guy asks to borrow your own tallis.

In case you're wondering what they're saying, here's the caption:

Red Ranger: Quick, Tommy, I need to borrow your tallis!

Green Ranger: Don't worry, Jason! Here you go!

Red Ranger: Totally Morphinominal! Thanks, bro!

Green Ranger: Anytime, man!

P.S. I apologize for the lack of regular updates. Now that the chagim are over, I hope to get back into things. I've missed writing about so many topics - Teshuva Season, Yomim Noraim, Sukkos, my 3rd Blogoversary... 

Thank G-d For All I Missed...?

While a lot of modern secular music today is utter trash - full of nivul peh, discussions about physical relationships, women's bodies, lustful desires and other inappropriate topics not worth singing about, there are still a few gems out there.

For some reason, on the days I've gotten tired of listening to the few Jewish Music CDs I have in my car (my older model vehicle doesn't have a multi-disc CD changer), I've been gravitating toward the local country station. Yes, go ahead and laugh if you'd like, but there are some very moving and inspirational songs to be found there. At the very least, there are definitely more worthwhile songs there than on the popular "90's, 2K, and today" stations.

I stumbled upon a song called "This" by Darius Rucker, once known many years ago for his band Hootie and the Blowfish (and their classic song "I Only Wanna Be With You").

In short, it's about a man reflecting on where life has taken him - or not taken him - along with his recognition and gratitude to G-d for arranging things the way they've happened. Despite the many setbacks and disappointments he's experienced, from the seemingly minor red traffic lights or the more major heartbreaks suffered from relationships that didn't work out - he's thankful for what he has and appreciates his life as it is.

I don't really know how I got here

But I'm sure glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing

Could've changed all of it

How often do we take a step back to think about the process that led us to where we are now? I know I did this a lot when I was in yeshiva in Israel, and I began to see how many of the little, often complicated pieces of my life all came together to allow me to spend time learning in the holiest place on earth. 

Of course, life being as busy as it always is, I fell out of that mindset after I got back to America and YU. Not only did I not think about the positive things or circumstances that brought me to where I was, my mind veered the other way entirely, and began to focus on the negative happenings that upset or disrupt my life. I am embarrassed to say that after some time, I seemed to focus on a string of negative experiences that appeared linked together - for the purpose of dragging me down.

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned

Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man

Despite all that, there is so much to be thankful for - no matter how rough or frustrating life may become. Man's plans can go totally awry, but nevertheless, it will work out in the end, if we give it time and proper consideration.

We can apply these thoughts to any area in life, but they are especially suited to dating, marriage and personal relationships. Often, when we get frustrated with how this are of our lives is going, we become resentful, wondering why we have to go through so much for seemingly so little gain - or what appears to be no gain at all. Yet, we don't know what will happen a year from now, six months from now, a week from now or even tomorrow. Things can and do turn around in ways that we don't expect because we aren't privy to the whole picture.

I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense

It may not make "perfect" sense, since nothing in our human realm is ever really perfect, especially our understanding of how life works, but it will make some worthwhile sense.

One day, hopefully sooner than later, the process of dating, meeting people, forming connections, making phone call after phone call, dressing up and going out again and again will come to an end.

For those of us who are already married, I can speak from personal experience that marriage is definitely a beginning rather than an ending, with its own trials and tribulations,  its highs and lows, the full spectrum of emotions. Figuring all that out, discovering more about your new life partner as well as learning more about yourself and how you work - which you would NEVER have thought through as a single person, can be maddening.

All the fights and tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never go through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you

Yet, if we all take a step back and try to see the bigger picture we can be appreciative of what we have and how we got here. The journey may be rough at times, but we're still here, right? For every opportunity you've had but lost, felt like you failed, or reached a hopeless dead end, think more deeply and wonder where you were able to go on from there, precisely because of this roadblock that frustrated you at the time.

Don't think about what could have been had you succeeded there, because there is no use crying over spilled milk. What did you do in that situation? How did you move on and to where? More importantly, where are you now? How did that event affect you, positively or negatively and lead you to where you are and who you have become? Did you use those "missed" opportunities for what they really were - a chance for growth, or did you stew in misery? Even if you didn't learn something then, what can you learn from it to apply to life in the here and now?

All the doors I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank G-d for all I missed
Because it led me here to this

This mindset is particularly appropriate for the month of Elul, when we should be focusing on the past year and the things we've done and experienced. If we can see our mistakes and other negative moments in life in a positive light, to draw strength and inspiration from them, we can use that to turn even our aveiros into mitzvos, regretting the negative but learning from our actions to propel us forward into a better, more informed future.

May we all appreciate all the things we've missed, tap into that source of inspiration for the good.

So Plastic Surgery DOES = Shidduchim?

And here I thought we (the readers and I) had concluded that the issue was moot after I wrote a post based on The Grogger's video, "Jewcan Sam."

Then there was the intensely controversial that was published in the Jewish Press right around Purim by Yitta Halberstam called "Purim and the Tyranny of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim." Among the many ridiculous things written in this article, I think her comparison of the extreme beauty pageant of Achashveirosh to modern day Jewish girls is horribly misguided:

"The women of the kingdom who vied for the Queen’s throne were given twelve months to prepare for the beauty pageant – why hadn’t some of the girls at the shidduch event taken a mere half hour?"

Seriously? You want to learn mussar for our daughters from the hedonistic, easily manipulated menuval who was basically complacent with our national destruction? Really?

For a great response to this article, read Rabbi Eliyahu Fink's post.

The plastic surgeon who commissioned the "Jewcan Sam" video, Michael Salzhauer, is actually under investigation by the American Society for Plastic Surgeons for violations of medical ethics in trying to "sell" the idea of plastic surgery.

On top of all that, Dr. Salzhauer now has the gall to offer plastic surgery, pro bono (that's free, for those of us less legal savvy folks) to unfortunate Orthodox Jewish singles who can't get a shidduch because of their looks, based on the recommendations of their shadchanim!

(Link hat-tip to Surfin' the Shidduch Scene. For a complete news coverage of this ongoing sage, see The Huffington Post).

This is SICK.

What is happening to the Jewish community? Instead of working on practical solutions to end the "shidduch crisis" we're focusing on the wrong things and creating more issues than we are solving.

Everyone has their own preference when it comes to physical attractiveness, and I've been to weddings where I wonder what the guy or girl saw in their new spouse in regard to their looks. But who cares what my opinion, or anyone else's is, when the chosson and kallah have found someone they find attractive and look forward to seeing when they wake up each morning?

It seems like in today's chumra-crazy society, we're taking the machlokes between Beis Hillel and Beis Shammai regarding how to praise an "ugly" bride at her wedding (Kesubos 17a) and adding in our own redaction to the Gemara. Whereas Beis Hillel says we should praise the bride as she is seen through her husband's eyes - clearly he finds her to be beautiful - Beis Shammai says we should stick to the truth and not lie about her lack of beauty.

So instead of holding like the position advocated by Beis Hillel, we're now going to make sure we can follow Beis Shammai too, since every "homely" girl out there will be objectively beautiful once she's been "fixed" thanks to Dr. Salzhauer and others, if this practice becomes the norm.

Why are we learning the wrong things from the secular society around us, which preaches and advocates the value of physical beauty above all else, including health and happiness. All this had led to is a dramatic increase in people going under the knife, eating disorders, years and years worth of therapy and doctor visits to correct damage done to women's bodies and minds, and who knows what else!

Where can we go next, as a society, if we don't stop these shenanigans soon? Check back later this week find out....

Support Tamar Epstein, An Agunah, Become Free

Tania at Thinking Jewish Girl started an online campaign to help an unfortunate young Jewish woman, Tamar Epstein, become free from her agunah status. Her secularly divorced husband, Aharon Friedman, has withheld presenting Tamar a get (document of Jewish divorce) for 2 years.

The news media is beginning to report on the subject - and I can only hope Congressional Representative Dave Camp, Aharon's employer, will make an effort to motivate Aharon into giving Tamar a get.

In the conclusion of her post, "When You Marry a Creep," Tania asks several important questions:

1) Is it the communities' fault for encouraging marriage so badly that people compromise when choose their spouses?
2) How much should one factor someone's family when deciding to date them?
Is it fair to discard someone based on family history?
3) What to do with red flags? What are red flags and what are just things people do because they are human?
4) How does one move on after this?

I hope to dedicate a future post to my views on these topics, since I feel that they touch upon very significant concepts intricately related to dating, engagement, and marriage. I initially wanted to have one post which supported Tamar's cause and included my response to those questions posed by Tania, but for lack of time over the weekend, I don't want to delay posting my support for Tamar and Tania's efforts to publicize Tamar's ongoing, painful situation.

May Tamar and all the other modern agunos out there soon find release from their chains, and may all men out there who unfortunately get divorced do the right thing and give the get at the right time. For the unmarried - sign a halachic prenup!

Nose Job = Shidduch?

The Groggers have released their newest single / music video "Jewcan Sam (A Nose Job Love Song)." I like the music, though the lyrics/theme may be a bit much for me. The ending of the story is a little too borderline sketchy for me... but The Groggers' style tends to push the envelope.



Parenthetically, I think the video is funny for presenting the storyline that the guy is the one who needs a nose job, when I typically associate nose jobs being more popular with female folk.

This video brings to mind an interesting and not-often discussed topic: plastic surgery for the sake of getting married.

There ARE stories out there of people "fixing" one little thing about their appearance that then facilitated a successful shidduch. In "The Art of the Date," the section referring to maintaining physical fitness and upkeep of one's looks mentions the story of a girl who asked a guy to have his ears pinned back and a nose job as well (I think - I need to dig up my copy to confirm). After he agreed to her request, they got married and lived "happily ever after."

I once went out with someone who had an element of her facial appearance that I simply could not get over. Every time I went out on a date, I did my best not to focus on that aspect of her visage, but I kept finding myself indadvertendly staring/looking away. I honestly was repulsed enough to consider ending the shidduch because of it. My friend, who was serving as my shadchan talked me out of my hysteria, and after being apart from the girl for a few days due to a school vacation, I decided to give it one more shot.

I mustered up my courage, cleared my mind of all preconceived prejudices against her looks - after all, most everything else, like hashkafa, life goals, etc matched up well - and went on another date.

But in the end, I couldn't keep going out with her. I kept imagining what it would be like to wake up and feel that sense of revulsion boiling up from within the repressed recesses of my mind. I agonized over the decision, but I ended the shidduch.

As many readers know, I was not obsessed with looks when I was dating. I understand, rationally, with the appropriate degree of seriousness, the physical appearances DO matter. You can't try to be a tzadik/tzadaikess and marry someone you feel repulsed by when you think about their looks. No matter how many other things match up on paper or in person, if their appearance continuously turns you off, there's nothing you can really do about it.

Or is there?

Setting aside ridiculous suggestions such as a plethora of plastic surgery operations that would totally reconfigure the look of a person's face, would you ever consider suggesting a more minor cosmetic procedure to a person who you otherwise find fit to marry?

How about a nose job? Eyelid lift? Ears pinned back? Chin reduction? Scar/birthmark removal? Neck wattle removal? What about braces for someone with crooked teeth?

Yes, all these things cost money, time, and are accompanied by a measurement of suffering to one degree or another - but if you're sure this person is the one with the exception of this small physical "imperfection," would you have the guts to talk about it?

Or is it better to be able to fully accept him/her for who they are, warts and all as they say?

Are Profiles - On And Offline - Hurting Our Dating?

Cnn.com recently posted another very interesting article about what some psychologists have to say about the pitfalls of using online dating - and specifically the issues that arise from relying too much on written dating profiles.

Sound familiar anyone?

I recall times in my dating life where I put too much into what I saw on the computer screen, whether on YUConnects or in a word document sent to me by a friend. I can also remember later points in my dating career wherein I would read a profile, without any real depth, making a brief phone call or two, and going out on a date. In fact, that was how I ended up meeting ASoG.

It seems like the process of trying to make the dating/shidduchim system very rigid and ordered, requiring certain things to be done in terms of the profile, massive investigation, etc make people more focused on the itty bitty details and not on the whole picture of who the person is and how he/she might fit into one's life.

We were recently working with a single friend, acting as her research people for a guy attending YU. After speaking with a friend of his and a Rosh Yeshiva who made some calls on our behalf, we had a good report. The guy has a great family, is very dedicated to his learning, serious about life and has healthy goals for what he wants to accomplish. The "problem" was that he came from a more yeshivish background and ultimately ended up at YU. She couldn't understand why someone would want to do that, given the "greater" opportunities he had had for Torah study when he attended a different yeshiva.

In an effort to spend too much time focusing on specifics in the profile, wondering why this was and why that was - and these were not real red flags of any sort - she almost turned down a great guy simply because he had matured and become his own person hashkafically. The YU Rosh Yeshiva who I spoke to was familiar with both people, said the match was certainly "ballpark" and worthy of at least a first date. I mentioned the concerns our friend had, and he replied that it's best to learn more about those details on a date and not through continued investigation. If, in fact something didn't quite check out after speaking to the person, THEN he said we should do further research.

I think that is a very healthy approach to the whole process. The problem that has arisen, mostly for men, but increasingly for women as well, is that no one seems to have a realistic standard in mind when accepting what's on paper as a potential worthwhile suggestion. Yes, guys are certainly guilty of maintaining lists of girls and their profiles (though I never had such a plethora of suggestions to deal with in the first place), but it's the "traditional" shadchanim who started and encourage this sort of unbecoming behavior. As the system has worsened, the profiles have become less truthful, more standardized, and frankly unreliable at times. This, of course, perpetuates the problem, rather than making things easier.

Do I personally believe in profiles? Yes. I think people should still use them, but only as a barometer for a general sense of who the person is and if he/she passes the threshold for what they are looking for.

An interesting point that the CNN article mentioned was that people often don't even know exactly what they want in a spouse. This is certainly true for beginning daters, because the more you go out and get exposure with different sorts of people and personalities, you begin to learn what does and doesn't work for you - and that includes physical appearances. I know that my own view of what I was looking for changed over the course of my dating career. From recent shadchan related experiences, it seems like there are a number of people out there who have had their needs/wants dictated to them by rabbeim/friends/teachers/family/mentors - and that's horribly wrong. It's one thing to say you need someone who has good middos and is caring, which I think everyone can agree on - but getting specific in suggesting/requiring a particular lifestyle (IE kollel) or certain criteria beyond the general need for religious observance and regular Torah study is rather unhelpful.

This sort of thing only prevents young, impressionable finds from discovering themselves and forging their own identities. Relying too much on profiles can exacerbate this problem, preventing free thinking and replacing that with a cookie cutter image that fails to live up to reasonable, realistic life.

How much substance do you put into profiles? Does dating work better by paying close attention to what's written on the page, or by investing more in the actual experience of meeting the person?