Happiness Is An Avodah

I heard this idea presented in shul tonight.

We all want to be happy. Most people strive to achieve happiness, but stumble and struggle, and are even discouraged that they may ever be truly happy.

Image Source: http://www.deliveringhappiness.com/12-things-happy-people-do-differently/

Often enough, however, we tend to think that the source of our happiness comes from some external source. If only we had X, Y, or Z - then we'd really be happy. But, because we don't have those things right now, we aren't happy, and we believe that we can't be happy without them.

Rav Yaakov Weinberg Z'tl said that this is a harmful train of thought. By declaring that you can't be happy because you don't currently have X, Y, or Z - you are deciding for yourself not to be happy. Happiness shouldn't be dependent on something external to us. Rather, it is self-generated from within our own minds and souls.

Rav Weinberg elaborated on this theme, saying that this is one of the reasons why Sukkos, known as Zman Simchaseinu - the Time of our Happiness - follows Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, a rather somber and serious period of time. First, we recognize HaShem is our King, and then we plead for our lives from the Ultimate Judge - which doesn't leave a lot of room to focus on happiness.

However this process of going through the Yomim Nora'im is meant to help us recognize a thought pattern that we should ingrain into our daily lives. What brings us true happiness should be the realization that HaShem is indeed, our King, and we are His servants. By doing His requested acts of service, namely the Mitzvos, we will be productive and rewarded, and our internal happiness will stem from our spiritual connection and relationship with HaShem.

Happiness is part of our Avodah of HaShem. It takes hard work, like any Avodah, but we will be better off because of it.

~~~

While thinking about this idea, my mind started making other connections and expansions on the concept.

I know I myself have often focused on external things that I believed, once I attained them, would bring me happiness, but in reality, happiness needs to be self-generated. Whatever stage we are in life - single, dating, engaged, married, parents, grandparents - there is always bound to be something not quite perfect, something lacking in what we expected to have at this stage.

The most stereotypical example is someone engaged and soon-to-be married.

He or she often believes that as soon as they leave the chuppah for the yichud room, everything will be glorious, full of rainbows and sunshine. The truth of the matter is, marriage isn't a happily ever after - it's really hard and requires a lot of work. It can, and will be difficult at times - and couples will struggle with one issue or another.

Nevertheless, everyone still has some positive thing(s) in their life that they have been given as blessings from HaShem. Recognizing them, expressing gratitude for them, and enjoying them - will produce happiness.

If I recall correctly, Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz wrote in one of his books (I think The Thinking Jewish Teenager's Guide to Life) that happiness is never an end goal, a destination to be reached or a stage to achieve, rather it is the journey in life itself.

So no matter what troubles are thrown at you in this often crazy world we live in, there is still something we can all recognize and latch onto that will help us create that self-generated state of happiness.

Of all the things I've learned while married, I must say that this is one of the most important: having Simchas HaChaim. Without it, life can get quite dreary and dreadful.

So let us all strive to elevate our minds, bodies and souls with the simcha of the forthcoming chag of Sukkos, and by internalizing Rav Weinberg's ideas, let us choose to be happy, and hopefully we can carry that simcha with us throughout the rest of the year.

Teshuva: Make One Small Change

I heard this idea presented tonight before Ma'ariv.

The speaker (one of the members of the local kollel) mentioned that his brother-in-law had an idea for a business. Since everyone knows that the air of Israel makes a person wise (Bava Basra 158B), he wanted to sell bottles of Israeli air to tourists. Whenever they needed a burst of smartness, such as the night before a test, they'd open the bottle and breathe in the inspirational air.

Of course, this wouldn't really work as a practical financial venture, but it does work with regard to doing teshuva.

The Ba'alei Mussar write that an effective way to do teshuva is to make one small, consistent change to one's life. The speaker quoted his rebbe in Israel as commenting that the best time to take this small change upon oneself is to do it during Ne'ilah, when you really feel the power and awe of HaShem's kingship and the overall spiritual rush of the conclusion of Yom Kippur. By doing this, you are effectively capturing that moment of spiritual elevation and inspiration in your own small bottle.

Every time you perform this small change - every day - it's as though you will be sampling some of the power you captured from that moment of acceptance during Ne'ilah. Each day, you will, to a small degree, re-experience that feeling of spiritual fortitude and inspiration. By doing this small thing every day, you create a link that strings together all the days of the coming year that leads back to that awe-inspiring moment of Ne'ilah.

And that is how you can create an effective change that will have a lasting impact - from this Ne'ilah to the next.

Pinchas Was The Grandson Of Yisro?

This parsha-related dilemma has been bothering me for years. Rashi, citing Sotah 43A, writes in one of his first comments on last week's parsha that Pinchas was a grandson of Putiel, otherwise known as Yisro, the kohen Midian and father-in-law of Moshe Rabbeinu.

The Tribes scorned him: "Have you seen this one, whose mother's father [Jethro] fattened calves for idolatry!

As someone who is a stickler for stuff like continuity (lehavdil: woe be unto those who retcon older, established comics/books/movies/whatever for newer material), I have tried to figure out how this works out timeline-wise with Pinchas' age and yetzias Mitzraim.

We know that Pinchas wasn't annointed as a kohen like his father, uncles, and grandfather, because he was an already living grandson of Aharon, as we see in Shemos 6:25, which first introduces Pinchas and his lineage while Bnei Yisrael are still in Mitzraim:

25 And Eleazar Aaron's son took him one of the daughters of Putiel to wife; and she bore him Phinehas. These are the heads of the fathers' houses of the Levites according to their families.

I'm pretty sure the switcharoo which exchanged the first born sons (who were meant to be the kohanim) with Aharon's family occurred shortly after the Chet Ha'Egel. This incident with Bilam and Balak took place much further along, right before Bnei Yisrael were to enter Eretz Canaan.

So that rules out the possibility that Elazar married one of Yisro's daughters who he might have brought with him (along with Tzipora, Gershom and Eliezer) when he arrives at Bnei Yisrael's camp in the Sinai Desert. There is also no textual evidence of him bringing any other family with him.

When Aharon and his sons were annointed kohanim, by extension, future as-of-yet-unborn descendents would also become kohanim. Bummer for Pinchas who was already alive and thus missed out.

However, thanks to his heroic act of spearing Zimri and Cozbi, HaShem grants him the bris shalom, as well as kehunah.

Yisro, when we meet him in the Torah, lives in Midian, where Moshe marries Yisro's daughter, Tzipora, when he ends up spending time there after fleeing Mitzraim.

There is another possibility as to when and where this marriage took place - in Egypt itself.

Per Sanhendrin 106 A, Yisro, Iyov, and Bilam were advisers to Pharaoh at the time he was trying to figure out what to do about the "Jewish problem." Bilam said to throw the baby boys into the Nile, Iyov said nothing, and Yisro ran away.

Hence, it stands to reason that Yisro left some family behind in Egypt - though I have no idea who else besides this daughter that Elazar marries would have remained after he fled from Pharaoh - perhaps his original wife...?

Thus, it would seem that the most logical thing is that Elazar married a daughter of Yisro from his that time spent time in Egypt as one of Pharaoh's advisors.

This would make Elazar's wife a bit older than him. I'm not going to go into age differences here, but we know of several famous Tanach couples where the woman was much older than the man... like Moshe's own parents.

Incidentally, it's neat that both Moshe and his father-in-law fled from Pharaoh's wrath and ended up in Midian.

In conclusion, I think Elazar married a daughter of Yisro who was born in Egypt and left behind after her father fled Egypt.

Two Tips To Prepare For Tisha B'Av

I heard these ideas from Rabbi Yechezkel Freundlich:

Rabbi Yaakov Emden (I think that's who he quoted) wrote about the idea of why this particular galus that we are currently enduring has lasted for so long - nearly 2000 years. While many have attributed this to our people continually being mired in the sins that caused the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash - namely Sinas Chinam, lack of proper respect, failing to say the brachos before we learn Torah - Rabbi Emden said that there is a different reason why we have caused the exile to endure for such a lengthy period of time.

We don't mourn properly for that which we have lost.

To a degree, this seems to be understandable, since none of us ever experienced the Beis Hamikdash when it existed, and therefore it is hard for us to find personal meaning in connecting to the mourning practices that we observe during the 3 Weeks and on Tisha B'Av itself.

Rabbi Freundlich offered two ideas that could be very helpful in making these forthcoming 3 weeks productive in preparing for Tisha B'av - if the Moshiach should not arrive before then (which I hope he does).

1) Often, most people don't open the Kinnos until the night of Tisha B'Av and thus have very little familiarity with it - on top of the fact that we all get exhausted several hours into the morning reading of Kinnos. Rabbi Freundlich suggested that everyone take 5 minutes a day during these 3 weeks to read a Kinnah, understanding the English available to us - and thus utilize these tools that our sages have given us over the centuries to connect to a proper sense of mourning and understanding of our loss.

2) Quite a few of our 19 brachos in Shemonah Esrei discuss our yearning for Hashem's salvation, the ultimate redemption, the arrival of the Moshiach, and the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash. It would behoove all of us to take a closer look at these brachos and give them a greater focused attention as we say them and think about their meaning.

In particular, he suggested the sentence from Es Tzemach Dovid - "Ki lishu'ashcha kivinu kol hayom" - "For Your salvation we hope all the day." Meditate on what it means to really desire HaShem's yeshua, and how we can actively hope and pray for the final redemption.

I think both of these ideas are very helpful in transforming these 3 weeks from a time of complaining for lack of shaving and music, to a time period of meaningful reflection wherein we properly utilize the time Chazal has emphasized is a time frame to focus on mourning what we have lost - and what we hope to have - G-d willing soon and in our lifetime - once again.

YU-Connects To-Go 5773 - Divrei Torah About Dating and Marriage

After a delay due to hurricane Sandy, the YUConnects along with Yeshiva University's Center for the Jewish Future have published a collection of Divrei Torah and professional insights about dating and marriage that are authored by numerous well-respected Roshei Yeshiva, rabbeim, teachers, doctors and professionals.

I am a big of the To-Go booklets of Divrei Torah, and always make sure a batch gets delivered to our shul. If you're lucky, your congregation will have these available shortly, but if they run out or happened to not have ordered any, all the articles are available online to download for free. 

Here are the various different articles and their authors:

• Divrei Bracha from Rabbi Hershel Schachter
• Rabbi Kenneth Brander - "Foreword"
• Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky - "Introduction"
• Rabbi Michael Taubes - "Is there a Mitzvah to Arrange Shidduchim?"
• Rabbi Zvi Sobolofsky - "Rejoice Beloved Friends"
• Mrs. Mindy Eisenman - "Communication in Relationships in Tanach: A Paradigm for Others"
• Rabbi Chaim Eisenstein - "The Ultimate Connection: Developing the Necessary Tools for a True Lasting Connection in Your Marriage"
• Rabbi Akiva and Chaya Sima Koenigsberg - "Matchmaking Fees and Beyond"
• Rabbi Ari Sytner - "Our Words: Helpful or Hurtful? Ona'at Devarim in the Singles Community"
• Rabbi Dovid Cohen - "Dating or Waiting: When Am I Ready?"
• Dr. Chani Maybruch - "Essentials to Look for in a Spouse"
• Shana Yocheved Schacter, CSW - "Relationships that Work: Introspection and Expectations"
• Rabbi Dr. Jonathan Schwartz - "Seeking Mr./Mrs. "Perfect": Denying Mr./Mrs. "Right""
• Dr. Sara Barris - "Deepening your Relationship: Dating and Beyond"
• Mrs. Marjorie Glatt, J.D. - "Let's Get Practical! Top Tips for Increasing Matches in Your Community"
• Dr. Nicole Schreiber-Agus, Estie Rose & Chani Wiesman Berliant - "Frequently Asked Questions about Genetic Testing"
• Rabbi Dr. Eddie Reichman - "The Mandate of Genetic Testing"
• Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky - "Points to Ponder: Positive Action Items"

Enjoy! I hope the insights contained in these Divrei Torah and articles will inspire daters and shadchanim alike.

Christmas Lights = Attempt To One-Up The Chanukiah?

As I was driving home last night after a quick trip to Walgreens, I passed by several gentile homes with decorative displays of lights all around the exterior of their homes, along with well-lit Christmas trees displayed prominently in a central window.

A bit further on my return trip, I passed by our Jewish neighbors and saw their Chanukiot still burning in a front window on display for all to see.

Then an idea hit me.

Akin to many of their religious rituals and beliefs, are the Christmas lights meant to be another Christian attempt to replace/outdo our own religious practice of lighting the Chanukiah in a window, or back in the day, on a doorstep?

I was fascinated to discover that the original "minhag" for these lights was to have candles decorating Christmas trees in upper class homes. Of course, this was before electricity, but nevertheless, the parallel imagery struck me.

Our lights serve to publicize the Chanukah miracle, the miraculous victory of the Chashmona'im and the miracle of the oil remaining lit for 8 days and nights in the Menorah of the Beis Hamikdash. By lighting our Chanukiot, we are adding a bit of spiritual light to the darkness of the general world... but are they trying to copy us?

In a way, this idea seems quite strange. Instead of darkness trying to swallow our Chanukah lights, as has been the image found in many mussar schmoozes, there are now many, many more lights of all different kinds out there that are usually more grandiose, public, and eye-catching than our Chanukiot sitting on the windowsill.

And yet, that seems to be precisely the point.

For all the elaborate set ups, intricate details, pretty colors and high electric bills, there is no substance or soul to the practice of setting up strings of lights on a tree or on the outside of one's home. It's nice, it gives the family something to do together, it's tradition... but is there any depth or spirituality to it?

My answer is no.

Whereas the gentile world puts up their holiday lights for fun, for sport, or for ego inflation, we light the Chanukiah and recite blessings that acknowledge the past events and miracles that demonstrate our continued sense of gratitude to HaShem, as well as the continuity and meaning of the Maccabee's struggle against the assimilation and Hellenization of the Greek culture and values.

We don't need an ostentatious display that has a "wow" factor to achieve our purpose. Sometimes simplicity is elegance in and of itself. By lighting the Chanukiah, we connect back to our forefathers before us, going all the way back to the original establishment of the holiday following the re-dedication of the Beis Hamikdash and our renewed spiritual connection, relationship and service of HaShem.

The other lights that appear during this time of year are nothing more than distractions, background "noise" that attracts the eye but gives no substance in return.

In Haneiros Hallalu, we say that the Chanukah lights are not to be benefited from, but only to be looked upon. In doing so, we can reflect on their origin, think back to the Menorah in the Beis Hamikdash, and realize how much we've lost in its absence. However, we can also contemplate what we need to do to merit its return. We can open our minds to spiritual revitalization that the Maccabees spear-headed, and tap into the spiritual energy that permeates this time of year. Just as we say in Al Hanissim, we recognize the past events and miracles, right along their continued residual energy that reappears every year when the cycle of Jewish holidays turns once again and we arrive at this point in time

I hope we can all take the time to stop whatever we're doing and gaze at the Chanukah lights and take the time to think to ourselves about our spiritual well-being and what we can do to improve it. How can we take our own internal light, the pintele Yid, and cultivate it to become a brilliant flame that will light up our spiritual light, and even provide light for others whose internal sparks may be dim or partially smothered by spiritually harmful influences.

Just as Chazal mention that a fire can be shared without diminishing its original source, may we all merit to share our own spirituality, the Torah we've learned, and our yearning for a closer relationship and service to HaShem. By spreading the light, may we reach an illumination great enough to enlighten the world at large, and bring the ultimate source of light back to Earth with the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash, bimheira biyameinu.

Yosef: A True Role Model For Today

Whenever we are reading the parshiyos that discuss the lives and actions of the patriarchs and the fathers of the twelve tribes, I often here people talking about their exalted, holy level of existence, far above our own imperfect way of living. This is usually a result of over reliance on viewing them through a Midrashic lens, interpreting anything potentially problematic in their behavior in a starkly positive light.

However, approaching the Avos and their offspring in this way, in my view, puts too much of a distance between us and our progenitors. By doing this, we place them on a pedestal of spirituality, far our of our reach, and without any realistic models to inspire us to embody their very earthly, though also very spiritual, deeds, characteristics, and beliefs.

I don't mean any disrespect to our admittedly holy and spiritually elevated ancestors, but rather that we should do our best to understand pshat and figure out what we can learn from to apply in a practical fashion to our modern-day lives.

Case in point, Yosef, son of Yaakov and Rachel. He has come to be known in rabbinic writings as Yosef HaTzadik - the righteous - because of an incident in this week's parsha, Vayeishev.

Yosef, a mere teenager of 17 (maybe slightly older, 18, 19) is alone in the morally depraved Egyptian society, a servant to the head of Pharaoh's guards, Potiphar. He enjoys Potiphar's favor, who trusts him implicitly because of his good conduct, and is a model man-servant in his service of his master.

Then his master's wife sets her eye on him.

She begs him to sleep with her. And he refuses - though not without effort. The trop or cantillation on the word "and he refused" - "Vay'ma'ein" is a shalsheles, which undulates up and down 3 times, indicates, per numerous commentators, a great measure of self-doubt and struggle on Yosef's part.

Yet, despite the situation - in which no one would observe them sinning - or the biological fact that he probably had the typical late-teenager's boatload of hormones coursing through his veins, as well as the general immoral atmosphere which pervaded the Egyptian society at large, Yosef turns her down. Not once, not twice, but over and over, and to the point where he flees, as though for his very life, leaving his outer garment in her hand and running outside improperly dressed.

Most of us are aware of the famous reason for his refusal, as cited in Chagiga 36B, that Yaakov's image appeared in the window of Potiphar's house and disapprovingly spoke with Yosef about the consequences of his actions - not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi in The Empire Strikes Back.

Don't do it, Yosef!

However, this is an Aggadic Gemara, and not indicated in the pshat. As we just learned in Daf Yomi on Shabbos 63A, "the verse never departs from the pshat," even if there is a metaphorical or deeper level of understanding in the Torah's words.

So how does that benefit us in this situation?

Because Yosef was a 17 year old teenager who resisted the often overpowering urge to indulge in physical gratification and defeated the attractive temptation that was repeatedly shoved in his face.

How many of us, as teenagers, let alone now as older, more mature adults, could say that when faced with this sort of "perfect" opportunity to sin, would not give in? Potiphar would never find out, Yosef's family would never find out, it'd be so easy to "get away with it."

And yet, Yosef didn't go down that path. Not only did he refuse to cave, he endured a public scandal that his would-be adulteress lover falsely instigated, initiating a smear campaign that landed him in a dungeon.

How many men of note, famous and well respected, have we heard of in recent years that have failed this test of temptation time and again? If it's not our president, it's the head of the CIA, governors, senators, celebrities, musicians, sports stars, and even some respected religious leaders.

None of these men (and women as well) can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with a 17-year-old Hebrew slave, kidnapped and alone in a foreign country.

Think about that.

Nowadays, the perpetrators of the these immoral sexual dalliances have first and foremost on their mind, "How can I not get caught?" "What's the best way to accomplish my personal physical gratification without causing fallout among my family, friends and supporters?" "What's the best excuse or cover story?" And none of them think about getting caught, or what that will mean, the relationships it will rip apart and the hard-earned trust it will destroy.

Yosef didn't need to worry about that, because it wasn't on his mind. He didn't contemplate how to best achieve his sin - he fought the thoughts that arose in his mind while his seductive master's wife offered her charms again and again. He fought, and won - and when he knew he couldn't fight in the same way he had before - she DID grab his garment, but who knows what else she was doing to him physically at the time - he fled as though his life was in danger.

Though perhaps not in mortal danger, he was in spiritual peril, an immortal danger, if you will, and he had to escape however he could. Though not intact in attire, he was intact spiritually. He won the war, even if was ended up damaging his public image. No matter what the people thought of him, even if Potiphar believed internally that Yosef was innocent (and hence didn't have him executed), it was better for Yosef to have his name tarnished by lies than to tarnish his soul by lying with his master's wife.

If only we could internalize Yosef's strength, pay attention more closely to that internal shalsheles of trepidation at the moment we are tempted to do an aveirah - and like Yosef, listen to it, rather than give in to the suggestions of the Yetzer Hara. Without a doubt, the world would be a better, more moral place.

I think this is a very human, relatable story that helps us connect to Yosef and our forefathers in a realistic fashion. It is possible to resist temptation, no matter what the situation is, especially in matters pertaining to sexuality - one of the most problematic arenas nowadays - and come out stronger, more resilient, and spiritually elevated by our proper choices.

Perhaps we can then also merit the title of tzadik, and better serve HaShem in a renewed, more focused, and dedicated fashion.

Who Is Truly Wealthy?

     In this week’s parsha, Yaakov finally has his face-to-face confrontation with his elder brother Esav, bringing to the fore two conflicting lifestyles and weltanschauungs. Yaakov has lived with their trickster Uncle Lavan for over 20 years, earning his living as a shepherd and raising his family, whereas Esav has spent his time hunting and mastering his martial skills. Esav arrives with 400 armed men ready for battle, while Yaakov has his family and his flocks carefully arranged to ensure the best escape plan if Esav attacks.

     Yaakov, unaware of his brother’s true intentions, and recalling the broiling anger Esav expressed shortly before he fled to Lavan’s house, attempts to placate Esav with multiple tributes consisting of choice animals selected from the flock he raised while working for Lavan. Esav, though possibly impressed by the gifts, informs Yaakov that they aren’t necessary,

     “'I have much; my brother, let that which you have remain yours,’” (Bereishis 33:9). In short, Esav is plenty wealthy enough as it is. He has a lot of stuff, and has no need to accept Yaakov’s tribute.

     Yaakov, however, insists that Esav take the animals, and even pleads with him to do so, saying, “‘…Please take the gift I brought to you; because G-d has been gracious with me, and because I have everything,’” (33:11). Only after Yaakov strongly urges Esav to accept the gifts does Esav acquiesce and take possession of the animals.

     Many commentators, including Rashi, point out the nuance of language in the two brothers’ claims regarding their personal possessions. Each exemplifies a different perspective with regard to material possessions and happiness in life.

     Esav represents the ever typical avaricious person constantly looking to obtain more possessions. As such, he remarks that he “has much.” He owns many things, including many animals. Sure he could always use more, but he doesn’t need his brother’s gift at the present time. The Midrash (I can't find the source, help anyone?) comments that Esav actually did desire Yaakov’s animals, but he gave the pretense of refusal in order to present an air of humility which he did not actually possess. Thus, after Yaakov firmly and genuinely insists that Esav accept the animals, Esav “gives in,” in appearances alone, and takes the tribute he had coveted the entire time.

     Yaakov, by stark contrast, states that “I have everything” and attributes Hashem as the source of his wealth by proclaiming “because G-d has been gracious with me.”

     Yaakov is a model example of Ben Zoma’s opinion as found in Pirkei Avos 4:1, where Ben Zoma describes several ideals of human behavior and perspective, among which is the famous dictum, “Who is rich? One who is happy with his portion.” Yaakov understands that whatever he has been given is from G-d, and whatever material possessions he now owns are the totality of the things he needs. With that attitude, he really does have everything.

    Related to that Mishna in Pirkei Avos, there is a Gemara in the tractate of Shabbos on daf 25B where several sages give their own views on who is considered to be wealthy,

     “Our Sages taught: Who is wealthy? He whose soul is pleased by his wealth: this is Rabbi Meir's view… R. Tarfon said: He who possesses a hundred vineyards, a hundred fields and a hundred slaves working in them. Rabbi Akiba said: He who has a wife whose actions are pleasant. Rabbi Yossi said: He who has a bathroom near his table.”

     Rashi comments that Rabbi Meir’s view, that a wealthy person is one “whose soul is pleased by his wealth,” is the very same approach as Ben Zoma in Pirkei Avos, “one who is happy with what he has,” regardless if he owns much or little.

     However, wow do we explain the other three opinions, which make reference to far more specific things that may be unattainable for most, such has owning 100 vineyards, 100 fields and 100 slaves, or things that seem somewhat trivial such as having a bathroom near one’s table?

     Rabbi Adin Steinzaltz, in his commentary on this Gemara, notes that these scholars are speaking about their own personal experiences. Rabbi Tarfon was actually rather wealthy, and spoke about owning many vineyards, fields and slaves. Rabbi Akiva on the other hand, had very meager possessions, but his wife Rachel was a very righteous woman who encouraged him in his studies so that he could become the great Torah sage we now know. Thus, his happiness was manifested in his wonderful, supportive wife. Rabbi Yossi suffered from a terrible intestinal disease, and thus in his eyes wealth came in the form of owning one’s own bathroom that was nearby and easy to access.

     As we see, each of these sages embodied the words said by Ben Zoma and Rabbi Meir. Each was happy with what he had, whether that was a lot (Rabbi Tarfon), a little (Rabbi Akiva) or even what one possessed amidst physical suffering (Rabbi Yossi). They defined wealth from their individual experiences; being wealthy was whatever each of them owned and benefitted from. To them, what they had was truly everything they needed, just as Yaakov expressed to Esav.

     Indeed, we can all learn a great lesson from these sages and our forefather Yaakov. There is no standard for what it means to be wealthy. There is no reason to play the game of keeping up with the Cohen’s, being envious of a neighbor’s car, house, or other material possessions. Whatever we have is meant to be ours, and Hashem wants us to be happy with the things that we possess. He wants us to be happy because what we have is what He has chosen to give us. As the verse states in Koheles in two different places (3:13 and 5:18, quoted here) “Every man also to whom G-d has given riches and wealth, and has given him the ability to eat from it, and to take his portion, and to be happy in his work - this is the gift of G-d.” Being happy with what we have, and recognizing that we have the possessions we own because Hashem wants us to have them and enjoy them to their fullest is one of the greatest gifts G-d can give us.

     Think about one major thing in your life that is important to you. Perhaps it's a car that works properly and infrequently breaks down. A house/apartment with a price or rent you can afford so that you have a place to live. An inhaler for those with asthma, which allows them to have relief from their symptoms. Even something such as a decongestant pill that allows you to breathe better through your nose (like me). Maybe your spouse, and all the wonderful things he/she does for you and means to you. Reflect on that one thing, appreciate how it makes you a wealthier person. Then, expand that sense of appreciation to the many other things in life we've been given.

     Let us recognize and appreciate that Hashem bestows material possessions upon us, that we are blessed with the ability to use and enjoy them, and to be truly happy – and wealthy – with all the gifts that G-d gives us. 

From Adam To David

This Dvar Torah started formulating in my head a short while ago as I started getting ready for Shabbos, and I had to share it.

Here we are, fresh off of Teshuva Season 2012/5773. We made it through Elul with its selichos, crowned HaShem King on Rosh Hashana, endured the fast and fully repented on Yom Kippur, behaved as best as we could to ensure our inscription in the Book of Good Life was delivered on Hoshana Rabba, then celebrated with HaShem and His Torah over Shemini Atzeres and Simchas Torah.

Now what?

Chazal, in their wisdom, developed our Torah reading practice to end on Simchas Torah (or Shemini Atzeres for those in the Holy Land), and right away we begin with the introductory portion of Bereishis, the very first Parsha of the Chumash.

While there is much substance to the notion of showing our collective love and dedication to G-d's Torah so soon after our Days of Awe, I think that there is a more nuanced, deeper lesson to be derived as well.

One of the most infamous incidents of the entire Tanach takes place in this week's Parsha. Shortly after being informed that they can eat of any tree in the Garden of Eden except for the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Bad, Chava and subsequently Adam violate that commandment after some insidious plotting by the snake.

When confronted with their transgression, Adam, then Chava play the blame game. He points to her, she points to the snake, and everyone receives their particular punishment.

So soon after our annual Teshuva Season, we read of the very first humans and their example of how NOT to do Teshuva.

Instead of owning up to his own poor choice, Adam deflects responsibility entirely:

And the man said: 'The woman whom Thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.' (Bereishis 3:12)

Upon hearing this accusation, G-d turns to Chava for her response,

And the L-RD G-d said unto the woman: 'What is this thou hast done?' And the woman said: 'The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.' (3:13)

G-d doesn't even give the snake a chance to defend itself, and starts off right away doling out punishment, beginning with the snake and moving onto Chava and then Adam.

On a literary side point - note the nifty repetition and reversal of the order of subjects: Adam is told the commandment and tells it to Chava who then repeats it to the snake, the snake convinces Chava who convinces Adam, G-d goes to Adam who blames Chava who blames the snake, and then G-d distributes punishment starting at the snake, then to Chava and back to Adam.

What should have happened?

Adam should have fessed up for his bad decision, not shifted the blame to his wife and partner. Chava in turn should have admitted to her own wrongdoing at choosing to follow the admittedly negative intentions of the snake.

Where do we see a model of this sort of proper teshuva, where the sinner admits to his transgression right away without batting an eye or rationalizing his behavior?

David Hamelech.

Centuries later, in the story told in Shmuel Bet chapters 11 and 12, David notices Batsheva, wife of Uria HaChiti and desires her. They sleep together, David subsequently has Uria sent off to die on the front lines of battle via his general Yoav, and he marries Batsheva. HaShem is not happy with this turn of events, for David has committed a most egregious sin.

HaShem sends the prophet Natan to rebuke David via a parable of a rich man stealing a poor man's lone lamb, which stirs up feelings of justice, leading him to say the rich man in the story should be put to death for his sin. Natan turns to David and says that he is the rich man of the story and he has sinned by having Uria killed and marrying Batsheva. He goes on to describe the forthcoming, very public and very damaging punishment that David has earned for his secretive sin.

Without any hesitation, and without batting an eye, King David immediately replies two words (12:13): "Chatasi LaShem" - "I have sinned against G-d."

Now THAT is teshuva.

The effectiveness of King David's teshuva is immediate:

And Nathan said unto David: 'The L-RD also hath put away thy sin; thou shalt not die. (12:13)

King David does not escape all punishment, and the child he has conceived with Batsheva will become sick and die. While he fasts and prays for mercy on behalf of his son while the child is ill, immediately after he dies, King David gets up from his fasting, washes, dresses, goes to the House of HaShem and bows, returns to his own home and eats, thus resuming his role of King of Israel.

His servants are baffled at the sudden diametrical shift in behavior. But King David replies to their questions by stating:

And he said: 'While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept; for I said: Who knoweth whether the L-RD will not be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.' (12:22-23).

Even after the tragic fulfillment of the punishment decreed by G-d, King David remains steadfast in his Teshuva. He knows there is the possibility that HaShem may show mercy, and still he accepts the judgement that has been passed on him because of his actions. He goes on to comfort his wife, Batsheva, and they later conceive Shlomo - his eventual successor to the throne.

We are human, and we will make mistakes and choose wrongly on occasion - just as we see with the very first humans beings created. It's part of our imperfect nature. HaShem knew this before we even existed, hence the Gemara in Pesachim 54A where Chazal tell us that Teshuva was one of the few things HaShem found important enough to create before our physical universe came into being.

Perhaps this connection further supports the Midrash in Yalkut Shimoni (Bereshis 41) that discusses how Adam was originally supposed to live for 1000 years, while King David was only supposed to live for 3 hours. Adam was told this information, and willingly "donated" 70 years of his life to David.

I don't know when this exchange took place, but based on what we've seen above, I would venture to say that it takes place after Adam ate from the Tree of Knowledge and received his punishment. It could very well be that Adam's motivation in doing so was also prophetically motivated - just as he knew David was supposed to live for such a short time, he saw David's potential and how he could become a role model for Teshuva in a way that Adam himself could and did not.

Let us take to heart the model of Teshuva as embodied by David HaMelech and not fall to playing the blame game as Adam and Chava did. In doing so, we can maintain the momentum of the growth and inspiration that we achieved during Teshuva Season 5773 - and even when we take a misstep here and there, we can bounce back with full repentance and further develop our devotion and connection to G-d.

A Taste Of Things To Come

This past Shabbos, I was learning the sefer Imrei Baruch by Rav Baruch Simon, a Rosh Yeshiva at YU, and wanted to share two pieces that I found there that are related to the period of the 3 Weeks and Tisha B'Av.

The Gemara in the tractate of Ta’anis (30B) says that anyone who mourns for Yerushalayim will merit to see it in its rejoicing, and one who does not mourn for Yerushalayim will not see its rejoicing. The Maharal in the 23^rd chapter of his work, Netach Yisrael explains this Gemara. He writes that one who knows he is lacking something in his life can look forward to something that will complete his existence, but someone who feels as though his life is already complete cannot feel a sense of longing for anything. Thus, according to the Gemara, one who actively mourns for Yerushalayim has cultivated within himself a vacant space that will be filled with the joy of Yerushalayim’s rebuilding. By contrast, one who believes that life is great the way it is has no ability to appreciate a future that has been completed by the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash, and thus cannot experience it.

Rav Simon adds that it appears as though Hashem is acting toward the person in a midah k’neged midah (measure for measure) fashion. Someone who considers Yerushalayim important enough in their hearts to realize he is incomplete without the city and Temple standing in their grandeur will merit to have that hole in his life filled by the comfort of the city’s rejoicing. By contrast, one who believes his existence his full and perfect without Yerushalayim are excluded, since he feels there is nothing missing in his life.

The Chasam Sofer elaborates on a very interesting concept related to this tradition that one who mourns for Yerushalayim will merit to see it be comforted. He notes that the word “to see” is written in present, not future tense, as one might expect. The reason is due to the wholly different nature of our mourning for Yerushalayim, when compared to other nations’ response to past tragedies. For other nations in the world who take time to remember tragic events in their history, there is a sense of total loss, of remembering what is no longer here and gone forever. This is not so by the Jewish people and our mourning for Yerushalayim. As we know from the story of Yaakov and Yosef’s sale, Yaakov would not be comforted despite his children’s best efforts. There, Rashi explains that this was because the natural order created by Hashem is that a person should gradually find solace and begin to forget the intense pain of a true loss of life as time goes by, a phenomenon which does not exist for someone who is missing but still alive and could return. So too is it with our mourning for Yerushalayim. While we are saddened by its absence in our lives, we know, deep down, that one day (hopefully soon) Moshiach will come and we will once again be able to experience the spiritual splendor of the Beis Hamikdash, just as we did in times of old.

This year, Tisha B’Av falls out on Shabbos, which means the observance of the fast itself will be pushed off until Motzei Shabbos and Sunday. When I first realized this, I thought that for once the Jewish people would be observing the opinion of Rabbi Yochanan, who says that had he been there when the fast day was established, he would have made it on the 10^th of Av, since the majority of the Beis Hamikdash burned then and only started to burn on the 9^th. However, it still didn’t quite sit well with me that I’d be spending the actual day of Tisha B’Av enjoying Shabbos, eating foods, singing zemiros, and spending time with friends and family.

Then it hit me.

We are all aware of the idea that Tisha B’Av is called a “moed” or holiday, based on the verse in Eicha 1:15. Based on this, we don’t say tachanun during the day, and the rabbis tell us that in the future, Tisha B’Av will actually become a day of celebration once the Beis Hamikdash is rebuilt. This, of course, means that the day will be transformed from one of sitting on the floor, fasting, refraining from greeting one another to a day of dancing, feasting and rejoicing.

This year, due to the structure of our calendar, we are privileged to have a taste of things to come. We will be able to experience Tisha B’Av as it is meant to be experienced, not as a day of mourning but as one of celebration. True, we must not let this idea go to our heads and cause us to forget the fact of the matter that the Beis Hamikdash is not yet rebuilt, but I hope we can utilize this opportunity to prepare our minds for the great change that will occur with Moshaich’s arrival.

Hopefully, this year’s observance of Shabbos on Tisha B’Av will prepare us all for the true celebration and happiness we will experience next year with the coming of Moshiach and the rebuilding of the 3^rd and final Beis Hamikdash!

They Might Be Giants...

In this week’s Parsha of Shelach, we encounter the tragic incident of the spies. Sent by Moshe at the request of the people, ten of these twelve men of stature return from their 40-day sojourn in the land of Canaan with a negative, discouraging report that greatly frightens Bnei Yisrael, thereby inducing a mass hysteria.  This terrified reaction leads to Hashem’s proclamation that the entire generation that unjustly bemoaned why they ever left Egypt will not merit inheriting the land promised to their forefathers.

What was the main problem in the spies report? Some commentators focus on the fact that they incorrectly gave an assessment of Bnei  Yisrael’s capability to fight the Canaanites instead of assessing the goodness of the land, thereby ignoring Moshe’s instructions; they were sent to survey the territory, not formulate a strategy for the forthcoming battles.  

I would like to offer a different approach that emphasizes the perspective and message that was delivered, which will hopefully demonstrate the problematic nature of the spies’ report.

After their initial remarks, and the encouraging but failed counter-protest by Calev, the spies conclude their dismal presentation by saying “…And there we saw the Nephilim, the sons of Anak, who come of the Nephilim; and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their sight'” (Bamidbar 13:33).

The word “Nephilim” is typically translated as giants, and these residents of Canaan indeed were physically large as well as experienced warriors. It is also true that by this point in time, Bnei Yisrael had not fought in many battles. However, they had seen the powerful outstretched arm of Hashem miraculously wipe out the Egyptian people and its army and had heard Hashem promise that He would again intervene in their forthcoming campaign to conquer Canaan.

Yet, what exactly did the spies say? They claimed that “we were in our own sight as grasshoppers,” a remark spoken from their own perspective, which minimized their personal significance and talents. They then went further to conjecture from the viewpoint of the giants, placing unexpressed thoughts into their minds and words into their mouths. Regardless of what the Nephilim did or didn’t say (see the tractate of Sotah 3A where this is discussed), the central issue at hand is the spies’ self-abnegation. The spies perceived themselves as grasshoppers – and because they conceived themselves as such, they became what they feared. Only after they declare “we were in our own sight as grasshoppers” then they concluded “and so we were in their sight.’”

It is interesting to note that the spies chose the image of a “chagav” or “grasshopper” to demonstrate their misperceived weakness. This exact phraseology is used again in a similar deprecating fashion later in Tanach in the book of Yeshaya, where the verse says, “The One Who sits above the circle of the earth, and those who inhabit it are as grasshoppers” (40:22). Clearly, being compared to a grasshopper is not a favorable metaphor.

A grasshopper

However, I think this is where the spies missed the point. True, the giants were physically larger and mightier than Bnei Yisrael, and had fought in countless wars that honed the skills of their army while we spent centuries in slavery. Indeed, this mere fact could make us feel like insects in their sight. But, there is another, related creature that the spies, and in reality, all of Bnei Yisrael had recently witnessed that wrought tremendous destructive power despite its small size: the locust.

An Egyptian locust

A giant locust swarm

A swarm of locusts ravaged the Egyptian countryside as the seventh of the ten plagues Hashem brought upon Pharaoh and his nation as punishment for their mistreatment of Bnei Yisrael. Individually, a locust is nothing more than a buzzing pest, and for some a food item. Yet, when combined into an organized mass, they are a force to be reckoned with. In fact, they cannot be reckoned with, and the only thing anyone can do in the face of a locust swarm is pray that the locusts veer away from their crops.

A swarm of locusts devouring vegetation in the
Mexican State of Yucatan

                                                                 Locusts are actually a subtype of grasshopper, distinct for their swarming behavioral pattern. In this light, the spies should have seen themselves, and the entirety of the Jewish people, as a swarm of locusts, each individual seemingly minute and unimportant, but together, they form an almost unstoppable wave of awe-inspiring, coordinated power. Guided by the Hand of Hashem, as the locusts were in Egypt (and elsewhere in Tanach, see the second chapter of Joel), they would be victorious as they overwhelmed the Canaanites and successfully conquered the land promised to their forefathers.

Alas, this was not to be.

However, we can learn from this entomology lesson (entomology is the study of insects) and strive to avoid making the same mistake the spies made. We should recognize the harmful properties of projecting a negative, self-deprecating image of ourselves; it can become an unfortunate, self-destructive reality.  We should also take to heart the concept presented in Mishlei 14:28, “B’rov Am Hadras Melech” or “In the multitudes there is glorification of the King.” We are not comparable to lone grasshoppers, but to locusts, who join together for a purpose larger and more significant than we may realize. A minyan of ten men can accomplish more than a single man praying alone, and the totality of the Jewish People gathered together, joining our unique individualities in the service of Hashem, can accomplish miraculous feats the likes of which the world cannot begin to imagine. Together, and only together, with the light of the Torah as our guide, can we achieve what may otherwise seem impossible.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Within the last week, my parents' close friend and co-worker was diagnosed with an inoperable form of pancreatic cancer that may have already metastasized. He was feeling fine last month, with the exclusion of some back pain that he described as nothing worse than usual. Then he began having leg pains, which turned out to be blood clots - one symptom of pancreatic cancer. After the prerequisite tests, scans, and a biopsy, his diagnosis was confirmed.

The doctor, with a grim look on his face, turned to my parents' friend and told him that they will go ahead with chemotherapy, but he should get his affairs in order.

His son was due to be married in November, but odds are he won't survive until then, and thus plans are probably in the works to move the date up to ensure that he will be strong enough to attend (or be alive to attend at all).

This man is only a year older than my mother, and this is the first person among their circle of friends to who will succumb to an age-related illness (this excludes another friend who died of a sudden heart attack 10 years ago). Both my mother and father are quite dismayed with the depressing news. Measures need to be taken to train another employee to replace this fellow, but nothing concrete has been organized, but that's the least of their concerns at the present time.

Scary, isn't it?

Thank G-d, both my parents are relatively healthy. But this current crisis makes me wonder what it will be like (after 120 years G-d willing) when they are no longer around. It also sends my mind off worrying about what might happen to anyone I know - myself included.

Pirkei Avos 2:15 quotes Rabbi Eliezer as saying that everyone should do teshuva (repent) one day before they die. Avos d'Rebbe Nosson expands on this, and Rabbi Eliezer is asked how can one know what day he'll die, to which he replies that we should do teshuva every day, since it may, indeed be our last.

Morbid stuff, right?

But how much do any of us really think about this? Particularly us younger folk, with our misperceptions regarding our own mortality; nothing can stop us, whenever we get sick we'll get better, I'll stay young and never grow old and worn out, etc. etc.

Certainly it does not do any of us good to constantly have this on our minds, which would probably lead many to thoughts of depression. However, reflecting on these facts of how life works and how fragile, precious, beautiful, and how ill-appreciated each of our days are, can keep a person properly humble and thankful for every waking moment. We can use these thoughts to make what we do in life matter, to better help others - and ourselves - and leave a lasting, positive impact on the world around us.

As Tehillim 103:15-16 says, man is like a blade of grass - one moment we're here and flourishing, flowering - and the next a strong wind can come and pluck us up and away, as though we were never there.

It would behoove us all to take some time to think about these things, to better reorient ourselves in whatever way(s) necessary, to improve our conduct, both between us and HaShem and between us and our fellow man.

Please daven for the refuah shelayma of Shmuel ben Rochel. 

Thank you.

The Imahos Didn't Cover Their Hair?!

Two thoughts that occurred to me during Shnaim Mikra v'Echad Targum this week:

Why do we need to say when Rivkah "inquired of HaShem" as the Midrash in Bereishis Rabba says: that she went and talked to Shem to hear from HaShem? Rashi, Ibn Ezra, Rashbam, all say this. Even the Ba'al HaTurim, with his renowned penchant for gematria adds "Lidrosh - it's gematria = min Shem ben Noach (from Shem the son of Noach)."

Upon reading the psukim, the pshat would seem to me that Rivkah simply went and asked HaShem herself. Sarah was a prophetess, and was even greater in this are than Avraham. HaShem had conversations with the Avos, so why not the Imahos also? We can certainly extrapolate that if Sarah was a greater prophetess than Avraham was, she must have had some "off-screen" dialogue with G-d.

To substantiate this point: Later on in the parsha, Rivkah is told about Esav's declaration to take revenge on Yaakov, which the meforshim say means she was told this information prophetically - from HaShem Himself, I presume. Shem certainly isn't there in this instance, and there are no other people around who could have served as an intermediary to deliver the message - it certainly wasn't Yitzchak or Yaakov.

While looking into the commentaries on this verse to see if anyone far more reputable than I also had thought similarly about this issue, I discovered - Baruch Shekivanti - that the Ramban says the same thing, in direct contrast with Rashi. "I only found the language of 'drisha' regarding praying to HaShem" and he cites Tehillim 34:5"Derashti es HaShem va'aneni" - "I inquired of the L-rd, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears," Amos 5:4 "For thus saith the L-rd unto the house of Israel: inquire of Me, and live;" and Yechezkel 20:3 "'Son of man, speak unto the elders of Israel, and say unto them: Thus saith the L-rd G-d: Are ye come to inquire of Me? As I live, saith the L-rd G-d, I will not be inquired of by you."

So there you have it, a less midrashically-inclined understanding that Rivkah did have conservation with HaShem herself.

Now, onto the title of this blog post.

We see in this week's parsha, along with two separate incidences with Avraham and Sarah, that where our forefather disguises his relationship with his wife by claiming that they are brother and sister, in the hopes that he will not be killed so that a foreign ruler can marry her.

Upon reading the psukim describing this incident, a question struck me.

How did the whole she's my sister thing work?

Somehow, both Sarah and Rivkah had to be visibly similar to an unmarried woman, otherwise the whole ruse wouldn't work. I considered a few different possibilities:

1) Women at that time, married or not, did not wear hair coverings at all. Hence, looking at Rivkah's hair for a cover wouldn't confirm anything about their relationship.

2) All women wore hair coverings, but married women's hair coverings were not distinguishable from those of single women.

In either case, there must have been no specific garment/item of dress that indicated she was married, otherwise it'd be pretty silly to tell Avimelech that Rivkah was Yitzchak's sister when she wore their equivalent of a wedding band and diamond ring.

I know this is a bit of a stretch, but perhaps married women back then wore nose rings! Eliezer gives Rivkah one in anticipation of her forthcoming marriage to Yitzchak. Perhaps she simply took it off, and then you'd have the modern equivalent of removing a wedding ring, which is by no means immodest.

Has anyone out there heard/learned anything to shed more light on these topics?

Happy Belated 2nd Blogoversary!

Last year I completely forgot to go back and write a reflective 1st Blogoversary post. This year, I forgot when my Blogoversary was, primarily because I remember starting the blog around Yom Kippur, not realizing that since this year was a leap year that Yom Kippur fell out much later in the secular calendar than it did the year I began this blogging adventure. I continued to fall behind as grad school took up most of my free time, along with other more timely post ideas popped into my head.

Truthfully, I've also been a bit stuck in making an attempt to write something profound and meaningful. It's pretty hard to achieve that on demand, and I've always found inspiration to strike at unexpected moments that cannot be summoned or controlled.

Nevertheless, I think I owe it to myself, more so than the readers, to at least make an attempt to take a step back and ruminate a bit about where I came from, where I am now, and where I'm going with this blog.

I, like many other single bloggers out there, started the blog during a time of introspection following a series of unproductive shidduchim. My goal wasn't to create a dating/shidduchim themed blog per se, and initially was inspired to share my own hashkafic musings about events in the world and things I learned and experienced at YU. I drew my primary inspiration from Chana's Curious Jew for the hashkafic concept, and Bad For Shidduchim (to a degree) for what soon became the dating heavy theme of many posts. I greatly enjoyed both of their blogs, but felt there was an unfulfilled niche in these arenas from the male perspective - particularly when it came to dating. I won't make any sort of egotistical statement claiming I had any measure of success compared to either of these two bloggers, especially Bad4 in the realm of shidduchim, but I like to think I have made some positive impact in both areas.

The blogging started out somewhat sporadic and unfocused, sometimes correlating to my dating experiences, though altered and timed in such a way that they were not akin to the bloggers who run home to post about every (un)successful date they take part in. I didn't want this blog to become a sort of journal of my daily/weekly trials and tribulations, but rather a reflection on moments and experiences that made an impact on me and my thoughts, which I hoped to translate into a readable presentation for others to benefit from. I also managed to write a few posts about hashkafic matters, but soon that gave way to a greater focus on shidduchim...

I always wanted (and still want) to generate discussion, rather than simply throwing up posts and ideas for the sake of spitting out everything that comes into my head. Some posts certainly succeeded in doing that, such as the post that began the rise of readership in which I wrote about the intelligence of a shidduch prospect.

I wrote a lot about different aspects of dating.

I also found this blog to be a fun form of expression for me to share my somewhat zany sense of humor, often intellectual but sometimes just for fun, in the form of short stories. The vast majority of my stories centered around dating, often with the intention of making a critical point about some aspect of the overall dating/shidduch process I feel is not quite right or needs correction. I am a sci-fi fan, and a theme found within science fiction is often taking things to extremes, beyond where they stand now, to demonstrate where we might be heading if we don't examine our deeds/society. For example: focusing too much on personal traits in an excessive fashion or demanding that a potential date match our list of requirements in every possible way to even qualify for consideration. I also explored a re-imagined Exodus story, mixing modern technology with the Biblical story in a dark/humorous narrative told from the Egyptians' perspective. I hope to finish that some day (sooner, rather than later).

In year 2 of this blog, the unthinkable happened and I got engaged, and no, it didn't happen like the story portrays. I frantically tried to compose as many blog posts as I could about dating from a single person's perspective before I forgot anything. I still have a number of incomplete pieces from that time which I may go back and finish, though I admit they will be different since they will be written from a retrospective viewpoint.

Then I got married and wrote all about the in-and-outs of what happened. However, I was now left with a major dilemma: What is a "shidduch" blogger supposed to do once he finds the right one, gets engaged and stands under the chuppah with her?

Write about the Maccabeats, of course ;)

Honestly, I loved these guys when they were just the wannabe nerdy A Capella group of my undergrad university. I enjoyed the novelty of finally having our own group of singers to be proud of - just like "real" colleges. Of course, the turning point that made this blog into an unofficial fan site/source for Maccabeats info was the infamous picture I made as a joke that labelled which Maccabeats were single, engaged and married. Suddenly, I had a multiple thousands of visitors popping in, largely in part to a link on the Jerusalem Post and everywhere else on the internet. I still continue(d) to follow their career, and am very, very proud of their accomplishments on behalf of Yeshiva University and Judaism as a whole. I also poked fun at them a bit on Purim, which seems to get a few random Google hits every now and then. I personally think it's a sharper article than the Taio Cruz lawsuit article.

Then my lovely wife ASoG and I became connectors/shadchanim for YU Connects, which led to an ongoing series talking about how to properly use the YU Connects system. It's been an interesting experience writing about shidduchim from the "other side," though I have to admit ASoG's been doing far more active shadchanus work than I have in recent times because of my heavy workload with grad school. However, I do field questions from friends and step in to make a phone call or two when a particular guy isn't being cooperative for some reason.

I've also attempted to pass on lessons I've learned over the course of my shana rishona. This feature will definitely continue into the future. As much as I can hope to inform readers about what lies ahead in the final stages of dating leading to engagement, my experiences as a husband are something that I hope to always learn from and translate into lessons worth sharing.

With regard to the future of this blog, though I was once concerned about maintaining a steady rate of updates or finding material to write about, I think I've begun to figure things out. Since I am not in the active dating scene any more, I hope I can continue to share my musings on matters pertaining to Torah learning and hashkafa in addition to posts about being married and acting as a shadchan. I also have a bunch of stories that are in-progress and waiting for me to give them the time for proper thought and composition. I definitely look forward to sharing those with everyone.

I'm also going to continue to indulge my love of Jewish Music, which encompasses far more than my interest in the Maccabeats. Be sure to come back every Friday to explore new or under-publicized Jewish musical artists and their albums.

In conclusion, I want to thank all the readers out there for visiting, reading, sharing this blog with your friends, posting links on Facebook, and leaving comments(!!!) that add to the atmosphere of meaningful discussion and dialogue I've tried to create throughout this humble venture.

Life moves very fast, whether we want it to or not, and things can change - bringing both good things and challenges - before we know it. The key is to be flexible, open minded enough to think about the goings-on around you, and have respect when interacting with others. I think I've learned a lot about these things over the course of my time writing on this blog, and I hope I've had some positive influence on others, in addition to making you guys laugh and think.

May we all continue to move forward in this journey together, and may I soon have the opportunity to write a blog post about the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, Bimheira Biyameinu - Amen.

Sarah, You've Got Some 'Splainin' To Do!

The episode of Sarah's laughter at overhearing the prophecy that she and Avraham will have a child in one year's time has always been perplexing. I'm sure many of the readers have heard numerous shiurim or read divrei Torah on the incident. While reviewing the second aliyah of this week's parsha Vayera for Shnaim Mikra v'Echad Targum, I noticed a few more wrinkles that doen't make sense to me.

Here's the scene. HaShem is visiting Avraham, who is recovering from his recent circumcision. Avraham looks up, sees three men, leaves HaShem to go greet them and arrange for food to be prepared for his unexpected guests. They ask him where Sarah his wife is (I guess he told them her name already, or they knew beforehand because Avraham and Sarah were famous), and Avraham replies, "Behold! In the tent!"

The man talking to Avraham informs him that he's going to return again in a year and Sarah will have given birth to a son. The next posuk tells us that Sarah is eavesdropping in on the conversation at the entrance of the tent, which is located behind "him," which I guess means Avraham, who had been going in and out to bring the dishes of food. In a narrative verse, the Torah tells us that Avraham and Sarah were old, Sarah had entered menopause.

Sarah apparently thinks this well-wisher and his blessing are funny, and laughs at herself/within herself/at her insides (depending on the translation) and wonders aloud if it's possible that though she has withered, she'll once again have "smooth skin," or resume menstruating (both per Rashi) and thus be able to conceive and bear a son. She also mentions her husband/lord is old.

Out of nowhere, HaShem, Who had seemingly been "absent" from the ongoing discussion (is G-d ever not there?) joins the conversation and asks Avraham why Sarah laughed, and famously alters what she actually said, omitting her seemingly slightly offensive remark about her husband to "Is it even true that I shall give birth, though I have aged?" HaShem proclaims that nothing is beyond His abilities, and says now that He will return in a year and Sarah will have a son.

Parenthetically, did you notice the sudden change from what the visitor said to HaShem saying the same thing? I think it's at this point that we can infer that the men who happened to stop by are implied to be angels. Though some commentators claim they were normal men - and according to Rashi, perhaps Avraham still thought so too - by combining this interjection by HaShem, along with their foreboding gaze toward Sodom (18:16) and departure for Sodom (18:22) following HaShem's revelation of His plan to Avraham, it seems to be somewhat overtly indicated that they are more than what they appear to be.

Anyway, after HaShem tells Avraham of Sarah's laughter and alters her words for the sake of Shalom Bayis (as Rashi says in 18:13), Sarah appears in the main tent, no longer hiding and denies laughing, which the narrative posuk tells us was because she was afraid.

Finally, the Torah writes, "וַיֹּאמֶר לֹא, כִּי צָחָקְתְּ" - "and he said, 'No, but you laughed'" (18:15).

WHO said that? According to the Artscroll translation, the pronoun "he" from "and he said" is lowercase, implying Avraham (which makes more sense than the speaking male visitor).

Is it just me, or does this whole scene sound like an episode of, l'havdil, "I Love Lucy?" Sarah/Lucy gets caught red handed, so-to-speak as HaShem / l'havdil Fred tells Avraham/Ricky. Avraham/Ricky turns to his wife as she vehemently denies it, knowing that she really did it, despite her denial and affirms that she did, indeed laugh.

Cue the audience laugh-track.

Did Avraham hear Sarah laugh because her laughter was quite loud and unique? Or is he saying that, "Well, if G-d says you laughed, sweetheart, and you deny it, I'm going with G-d on this one"?

It all seems strange to read the flow of the conversation that way,.

The JPS translation has the English version of the posuk written with a capital "He," meaning HaShem addresses Sarah and replies that she did, in fact, laugh. This makes a little more sense to me, since HaShem certainly did "hear" her laugh (how could He not, being G-d and everything?) and had just informed Avraham of that occurrence.

Now back in our crazy sitcom version, HaShem / l'havdil Fred turns to the embarrassed Sarah/Lucy and wags a finger at her saying, "Oh, yes you did!" Again, cue the laugh-track as Sarah/Lucy makes that famous grimace we all know and love.

It all seems a little strange. Even without the Nick-at-Nite references, HaShem "appears" out of nowhere, Sarah gets admonished, and we cut back to Avraham with his guests. Did Sarah just slink away, happy that she will have a baby but a bit embarrassed at the scene that just transpired?

Another thought, somewhat related thought.

At the end of last week's parsha of Lech Lecha, when HaShem first tells Avraham that he will have a child with Sarah, Avraham himself falls on his face laughing. He says "Will a hundred year old have a child? And Sarah, who is ninety, give birth?"

Avraham's response seems very similar to Sarah's. Each wonders with incredulity that he/she could possibly sire/give birth to a child because of their advanced age, and then remarks that his/her wife/husband is elderly. Granted, the terminology is not exactly the same. Avraham just uses their ages, while Sarah mentions her menopausal state and that Avraham is old. But is that really so much more offensive? Especially given HaShem's critique of Sarah, when He proclaims that nothing is beyond His abilities.

The Artscroll Stone Chumash quotes the Kotzker Rebbe who says that though Sarah truly believed her laughter was in good spirit, there was some real subconscious doubt deep within her mind. There's also the vort I heard Rav Goldvicht quote from the a Sefas Emes that viewed Sarah's denial in a better light. However, I can't recall anyone ever saying that Avraham's response was negative in any way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to besmirch the reputation of our holy forefather, I just don't quite understand the inherent difference regarding the level of laughing disbelief expressed by Avraham and Sarah.

Any thoughts, comments, or suggestions on these parsha musings?

P.S. As many readers know, I am quite fond of Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks and his writings. His "Covenant and Conversation" from last week on Lech Lecha is simply fantastic. His essay the week before that on Noach also discussed a fascinating interpretation of the Tower of Bavel and the languages getting mixed up that I had never heard before.