Shidduch Vision Promotional Video

A promotional video for Shidduch Vision is now making its rounds via youtube. It is interesting to note that noted speaker Rabbi Pesach Krohn (clearly standing in for the late Billy Mays) says, "As you know, I believe that we have turned a corner in the 'shidduch crisis,'" - all due the fact that more people than ever are becoming more involved in shidduchim and are "coming up with creative ideas." I can't say that I've heard this statement attributed to Rabbi Krohn before (the video was posted November 30th), but I do remember his references to the "crisis" during recent Tisha B'Av Chofetz Chaim videos...

As great as Shidduch Vision is, one would think that "turning a corner" in the "shidduch crisis" would be news just as big as proclaiming that America has "turned a corner" in its current economic recession. If this is true, why hasn't anyone else mentioned this in the Jewish blogosphere? Perhaps it's just a marketing strategy, implying that Shidduch Vision has/will stem the tide of aging singles.

I do think the video is a little bit cheesy, it's as though this video technology has been discovered for the first time. I know friends who utilized webcams to faciliate an ongoing dating relationship, and both ended up married to the girl on the other end of the digital divide. The few times I have suggested trying this out (based on my friends' success) during the course of a shidduch that went over a Sukkos/Pesach/winter/summer break, I was politely turned down in favor of phone calls.

Has anyone else tried this before (successfully)?

A Discussion Of Self Depracating Comments On Dates

Bad4shidduchim started the discussion regarding people making self deprecating remarks on a first or second date and how that can negatively impact the budding relationship between daters. Hannah at Ink Stained Hands took the discussion in a revealing newn direction based on a mishna in Pirkei Avos, which I find to be very interesting. She provides a new understanding of the mishna which not only makes a lot of sense, but isn't couched in misogynist terminology, as the mishna is more often interpreted. Both posts are worth a read.

I think we all, to one degree or another have a problem with this - unless someone is so full of themselves that they can't bear to say anything even hinting toward a personal flaw (and that is a whole different can of worms). I usually only realize I've said this sort of thing in hindsight, but I am pretty sure I avoid anything of this sort on the first date or two. I'll definitely be more aware of what I say in the future, and cultivating a conscious involvement in the dating process is always a good thing.

Maxed Out

Update (12/23/09 late/early in the morning): Chana at CuriousJew utilized her lightning fast stenography skills to transcribe the event and posted it on her blog.

I took part in an historic event at YU tonight. I attempted to attend the "Being Gay in the Orthodox World" discussion panel, and was turned away after waiting outside in the bone-chilling cold, half-freezing to death for half an hour - along with about 200 other YU and Stern students. This is absolutely unheard of for any extra-curricular event that (to my knowledge) has ever been planned and held on campus. The room was filled to its legal fire department mandated capacity, and security (which was a different firm than the usual campus guards) were very unforgiving and not up for negotiation.

Not to be rejected so easily, the group I was standing with decided to try to sneak in via the underground secret passageway and a back staircase. Of course, we were caught (other had attempted this earlier and succeeded) and sent back upstairs to go around and out the main entrance. We made one last attempt to convince the security at the front door before they basically shoved us (not quite so physically) out into the cold night, where I saw another 100 or so people waiting fruitlessly to be let indoors.

The whole issue certainly fits into the GREY AREA of discussion when it comes to observant Judaism. A "kol koreh" signed by several roshei yeshiva was hastily composed and posted around campus (Update 12/23/09: read it here). The gist of it was that in any public discussion of these matters, sensitivity should be given to those individuals who find themselves having a homosexual identity, but in no way, shape or form should the act of homosexuality or such a lifestyle by condoned. The emphasis was that the act itself is still a Biblical abomination, but concern and support should be given to people out of respect for the fact that they, too are Jews - but such behavior cannot be encouraged.

I think that having that mindset (which has been publicly stated before) is certainly the right way to approach this extremely difficult issue. People deserve compassion for their personal struggles, whatever that specific area may be, but any act that is clearly against halacha cannot be accepted or normalized. But therein lies the dilemma that has made this such a hot-button issue this past year (especially since the publication of several Commentator articles: here, here, here, and here).

I really wanted to attend the event to hear firsthand the students and graduates express the situation from their perspective. I firmly hold by the position the roshei yeshiva proclaimed, but the issue can no longer be ignored as it has been for so long. It seems like this is one of the greatest, most unsolvable halachic/hashkafic quagmires that we face in our day and age. I sort of know one gay student at YU as an acquaintance, but have never had any real friends that have been confronted by this issue of personal identity. I do commend the YU Tolerance Club and the community in general for addressing the issue in a forum - I just wish I was there now to listen to what has to be said.

The consensus our little group of failed secret agents was that the Tolerance Club, knowing that the crowd was going to be enormous, should have set up a video taping to be broadcast across the street in Furst 501 on a big projection screen. They really dropped the ball on that opportunity. I hope I can hear enough about it from friends who got in legitimately (or covertly), and perhaps they even had the foresight to record the panel (although I have no idea when I'll have time to listen to it).

So just some food for thought, assuming that some readers have checked out the articles I linked above: while we typically oriented singles may find difficulty with our quest to find a spouse, take time to consider the plight of our brothers and sisters who struggle with a far more personal, seemingly impossible conflict. While we are out there in the dating world, facing frustration from not finding the "right one," they face an inner battle that is counter intuitive to the halachically and hashkafically normative drive to even desire finding that "right one."

I definitely don't have any answers... nor can I claim to. Hopefully everything will be resolved when Eliyahu HaNavi arrives as the harbinger of Moshiach ben Dovid to announce the good news and set everything that troubles us aright. May that day be soon!

'Tis The Season

I recently saw this post on Matzav about the concern expressed by someone of a more yeshivish/charedi hashkafa about buying Coca Cola products for their families this time of year. Namely, they don't want to bring the Santa Claus into their otherwise Torah-based homes. One solution is simply stop buying Coca Cola. Another is to remove the labels. A third (and far more healthy suggestion) is to stop drinking soda. Now there is a fourth option.


A friend of mine came up with an easy solution that only requires a few minutes and a permanent marker.

Voila! I think it kind of looks like the Lubavitcher Rebbe Zt"l (no offense to any Chabad readers intended). Also, for those who think that the modern Santa Claus was invented by Coke, apparently it isn't really true.

The Skin We Bare

No, this isn’t a post about tzniyus and wearing modest attire, which I am sure was the first thought that came to your mind. Rather, I’m being quite literal.

In basically every single sitcom known to mankind that features a young protagonist (usually in their teens or early 20’s), there will always be one particular episode with the exact same plot. Namely, our hero or heroine wakes up the morning of a highly anticipated date, and discover to his or her horror, that they have developed a pimple in some noticeable location on their face (such as the nose or forehead) overnight. He or she will of course freak out ad nauseum, and friends and family all offer advice of different sorts to conceal or heal the unacceptable blemish, often with hilarious results.

In the real world, however, most typical human beings don’t have perfectly clear skin like the famous TV stars do, and facial blemishes are a fact of everyday life.

I remember that back in my high school days, while attending NCSY Shabbatons, eating a meal at a family friend’s house, or any other social situation that involved being around girls close to my own age, that I was very self conscious of my complexion. Even though I was nowhere near the stage of life when I would begin to date, the mere fact of being in the presence of females made me anxious about what I presumed was their fickle nature regarding minor skin imperfections.

Whether or not middle and high school aged girls really are that finicky about someone’s facial skin was irrelevant then (since I didn’t want a girlfriend based on hashkafic principle of “what’s the point, if you’re shomer negiah and aren’t thinking about marriage?), and more irrelevant now, since dating such young girls is a sick concept that no normal man should think about. My point is that this Hollywood created notion negatively impacted my view of the clarity of my own facial appearance.

The problem is: this fictional perspective still bothers me now – when I am actually dating. I don’t really have what I would classify as “bad skin,” which would entail a constant presence of many pimples spread across various parts of my face. I do, however (like most normal people) get the occasional blemish or two here and there. I then wonder if this will impact my date’s assessment of my general appearance. Do I really lose points on the physical attractiveness scale because of a pimple here or there?

This often makes me grateful of the fact that dates, at least in the beginning of a shidduch, are spaced a week apart. This means that if I, to my personal horror, discover a pimple, I at least have some time to properly medicate it/allow the skin to heal enough to no longer tarnish my complexion. Or, for example, that the blemish appears on my upper forehead, near the hairline, where I am able to fiddle with my hair a bit to conceal the discoloration.

However, my rational side makes me think I’m being unnecessarily paranoid about this. I have friends who, unfortunately, do not ever seem to have totally clear skin. Yet, they go on dates; some have steady girlfriends, while others have gotten engaged and are happily married. So what’s my problem? Am I the only one scarred by this sitcom stereotype? Is there anything to really be concerned about?

Comments from female readers are most appreciated.

Posting Comments

From the department of public policy:

Recently, (within the last week or so) there has been some anonymous person leaving spam related comments on a large number of my posts. I have removed them and changed the settings which now let me approve if a comment is in fact added or not. I think this is an annoying necessity, but it's also very bothersome to have to go through the posts and delete these advertising related comments one-by-one. So I apologize for the added procedure, and I am figuring out ways to avoid attracting such attention in the future.

Thank you for your consideration and cooperation.

Shades of Grey

P.S. Please do continue to comment, and certainly let me know if this new commenting process is overly frustrating.

Popular Culture Conundrum

I've been ruminating about this for a while now, so prepare yourselves for an onslaught on pop culture-ness. Sound the klaxxons!

For the most part, I think everyone, excluding the stark raving anti-TV/movie types, or anyone simply sheltered enough from the world who might say "vus es D-V-D?" has had some exposure to the popular culture around us, in some form or another. Continuing along that train of thought, most people probably have an interest in a specific TV show, movie, book series, musical artist, sports team or something of that nature. I would also venture to presume that some, though maybe not all, people have a very vested interest in one of these bits of entertainment that is very dear to their heart.

But where does one draw the line between, "Oh that's cute, I can live with that," and "When are you going to grow up already?"

In other words: with regard to a shidduch candidate, when is an interest in an element of pop culture "permissible," and when does it become too much to bear?

Disclaimer: The examples I'm going to use do not necessarily reflect any personal interest of mine, but are rather things I am aware of, to one degree or another, in the great big world of pop culture. So don't point at me and ask where my pocket protector is or what color my suspenders are - especially since I own neither. Also, as much as I may attempt to keep this as gender neutral as possible, I will probably speak more about the guy than the girl, and will use male pronouns, since guys seem (from my perspective) to have more of an issue with this than the girls do.

Let's start with a stark contrast. What's the difference between someone who is devoted to a more mainstream TV series like "Lost" and someone who is an X-Files devotee? Both are fairly popular among the masses, but if your shidduch prospect believes "The Truth Is Out There" as a fundamental personal aphorism - is that a stigma on his/her head?

A lot of people have a hobby to collect an item of some sort. What's the distinction between your crazy aunt Ethel who collects salt and pepper shakers of all different variations and a potential shidduch who has a few shelves full of Transformers robot action figures?

It would seem to me that most people would brush off tanta Ethel as having an odd, but respectable hobby, whereas the shidduch prospect would be castigated as never having graduated the 5th grade.

But is it right to do that? If the guy goes to minyan three times a day without fail, has a set, regular chevrusa, dresses and acts like a mentsch, is observant of every aspect of halacha in a serious fashion, but is a "Lord of the Rings" fanatic - which includes the movie-authentic Elven armor that he made and wears to the occasional comic convention - does he then have a pgam (blemish) against him?

A lot of people often have some sort of novelty toy or little pop-icon tsochke sitting on their desk at work (or home). The "typical" person has something like a little squishy stress relief ball with some inspiring catchphrase scrawled on it. Would it make a difference if he had a Power Ranger action figure instead? What if he had two or three different action figures on his desk/shelf?

What if he's into comic books? Some may say, "that's kind of cool, I like Bat-Man too. After all, The Dark Knight was a great film!" But what if he has 800 individual issues of DC comics bagged and stored in boxes his attic that he has been collecting since he was 11 and never stopped?

I have a friend who is a HUGE comic book fanatic. Aside from a collection of comic books of a size that I can't even begin to guesstimate, he actually interned at Marvel Comics as a script editor for a summer job. Even post Shana Bet, he had a small book shelf in his dorm room that held trade paperback collections of his favorite story arcs from Spider-Man and other series. He also has an incredible passionate spiritual side, is very talented in learning, gives an amazing shiur, and happens to be happily married to a someone, who I am fairly certain, has probably never read an issue of Captain America in her life. So how did he manage that?

If you happen to okay with someone who can recite Weird Al Yankovic's "The Sage Begins" by heart, when is such geekdom considered too much? Let's say that every year for Purim he creates a fantastically detailed costume from one of the Star Trek series. Is it then okay for him to regularly attend Trekkie conventions? Assuming you come to really like the guy, would you ever accompany him to such an event? Perhaps even wear (egad!) a costume with him? Even if you wouldn't go that far, would you let him go off with his best buddy to experience the geek-fest together - or is the whole premise enough to make your skin crawl?

Is there a tolerable level of fanboy-ness, and is that tolerance based on what the interest is? In think there are different areas of pop culture/fandom that have become mainstream "guy stuff" enough to be written off without a second thought. I my view, the gold standard of such female-to-male toleration is the ever popular realm of sports. The typical guy has his team (or teams), and heaven help you if he misses a game, especially if they made it to the play-offs or championship. From my own experience, even wives/significant others who don't even have a passing interest in football will join in on the excitement of a Superbowl party.

Why is this guy's "obsession" any more readily acceptable than say, a guy who is an "otaku" - and is really into Japanese comics and cartoons (AKA Anime and Manga). A show like "Naruto Shippuden" has a storyline more compelling, characters far more engrossing, cerebral thematic elements, moral lessens, cinematic value and high-level action that outshines most every mainstream American live-action (meaning human actors as opposed to animated) show on TV. Yet, the typical shidduch dater would dismiss a guy who enjoyed that show as being immature for watching "cartoons." Someone who watches "Family Guy" or "The Simpsons" is probably okay for the most part, whereas our anime-loving example guy would be pushed aside as having childish interests. Those two shows feature far more offensive and downright unfunny/juvenile humor, so why are they acceptable? There is a clear difference between American children's cartoons and the far more stimulating and interesting Japanese Anime that are out there (presuming he stays away from any shows with inappropriate/untzniyus content).

There are also areas that seem to be changing and evolving to become more female friendly, yet still retaining its essential "guy thing" nature. Case in point: video games. I don't think the typical girl "in the parsha" would think that a guy who spends hours plopped on the couch in front of an XBOX 360 blasting his friends to pieces in Halo is a suitable marriage candidate. But what if his console of choice was the Nintento Wii, which has revolutionized how people of all ages approach video games? No longer is the typical video gamer the 14-30 year-old male - females of all ages (even grandmothers) are getting into the Wii-craze.

I actually had a date once at a now defunct arcade-type place where you could rent video game systems by the hour. We rented a Wii and played the Wii Sports game, which has a number of different sporting events that are controlled by the ever-nifty Wii-mote. While I was better at baseball and bowling, she annihilated me in boxing. Yes, BOXING. We had a blast, and I wish the venue was still open so that I could take other dates there.

So are video games totally taboo anymore?

I presume that most serious YU guys have very little time for consistent, prolonged gaming (unless they either don't take their learning seriously, or their secular studies, or both). Just as a reminder, I am also not referring to the yeshivish guys who sit in the beis medrish 24/7. But is it so wrong if he has an occasional gaming session, especially if he's being social and playing against/with a friend or two?

What if he retains an active interest in some pop culture element from his childhood, say "Fraggle Rock," or "GI Joe?" Is it wrong to still find "The Muppets"charmingly hilarious even after passing the two decade mark into the adult world?

Serious bonus points to anyone who recognizes/can name most of/all the characters that appear in the above Muppet video.

What about all the people who are "Harry Potter" fanatics? Or the current fad, the Twilight series of books and movies (which admittedly have a heckuva lot less tzniyus content than the "snogging" of the Potter novels). I think the pop culture thing can work both ways, since I tend to find that girls are more interested in these two series than guys. I don't think I have a right to be judgmental about a potential shidduch who happens to be in love with reading each new "Twilight" release (objectionable content aside).

I know there are girls out there that have mutual interests in these areas, as commenter Moshe on Bad For Shidduchim has mentioned that his own wife shares similar "geeky" interests. Yosef, another commenter there, has a wife who indulges his more guy-type pop culture interests (Star Wars), while they reach a mid-point of sorts and "bond" over things such as "Harry Potter" and The Princess Bride.

So I guess there is hope out there for us slightly geekier (or fully geekified) guys out there. Now I just need to find my own princess whom I can call "your worshipfullness."

Facebook Shidduch Rules

I'm sorry for just posting links as of late - I have some posts brewing in my mind that will need time to be properly composed... and I have school work to do, unfortunately.

In the meantime, enjoy this post by yubchur on ShidduchDater about Facebook shidduchim/dating research etiquette (yes, I realize it's from Thanksgiving, but I just found it). I think he's pretty much on target.

I will hopefully have something new posted in the coming week. Until then, have a Lichtegen, Freilechen Chanukah!

Beautiful Post by Chana

I have to post a link to this piece by Chana regarding the "tragedy" of older singles in the ongoing "shidduch crisis." Truly inspiring words indeed.

My Happiest Break Up Ever

A series of remarks by commenter The Apple has inspired me to write a post about what I refer to as the “happiest break up” of my dating career.

I had been going out with this person for several months, and by all accounts things were going great. We matched well on paper, we matched well in person with regard to hashkafos and religious level, and we were getting along fine. However, there was one point of disconnect – and I mean that literally, a disconnection. We gradually found ourselves unable to continue conversation. It seemed as though we ran out of things to say.

We had definitely established a close connection and had shared enough experiences and information with one another to form well-developed opinions about the other person. I could easily see that she embodied most everything that I could want in a wife. But, it seemed like we had hit a wall. It simply felt as though no further progression was possible. This was a very perplexing feeling, to put it mildly.

One could theorize that there was an issue with the hotly debated, vague concept of “chemistry.” I know I definitely felt chemistry with this person, especially during the earlier part of the dating process. I always looked forward to the time we planned to spend together. There was no question of lack of attraction. Additionally, there were no major red flags about her personally, or her background/family. Everything seemed to fit so well.

So what was the issue?

As best as I can tell, we just weren’t meant for one another. At the end of our last date, she pulled me aside when we arrived back at her apartment before she went inside. It was time for a “where do we go from here” conversation. I’m not sure if it was out of courtesy, or because she could tell we were of like mind about the relationship, and wanted me, as the guy to say it. She posed the question and asked my opinion first. I mentioned all the things I wrote above; that in short, I thought we fit very well together, but for some intangible reason didn’t see us going any further. She then affirmed that she felt the same way as well. So we thanked each other for the experience, wished one another hatzlacha in future dating ventures, and I went on my merry way.

This was totally unlike a different in-person break up scenario where after several months the girl sprung her rejection on me the moment I arrived (having travelled all the way downtown) without giving any reasons. I was caught entirely off guard and had no idea what to say, and was a bit distraught for a few days following that final meeting. After much thought and speaking with a sgan mashgiach, I was able to figure out my feelings. I even called her in an attempted reconciliation of sorts, but she wouldn’t hear any of it. All in all, that was not the most pleasant experience, but a necessary and educational one. As Rav Goldvicht says, if she says no, it just means she doesn’t like you and that’s that.

In this case, I walked away humming a happy tune and smiling to myself. It was unfortunate that I wasn’t going to end up marrying such a great person. However, it also would have been equally unfortunate to force a relationship to trudge onward without a fruitful end in sight. I’ve never been in such a good mood post-break up before or since.

In fact, I modified my personal tefillah regarding the potential success of whatever ongoing shidduch I am involved with. The older version was something to the effect of: if she and I are truly meant for one another, can accept one another’s positive and negative points wholeheartedly, etc, that we should continue to grow closer and develop ourselves as a unit toward marriage; and if not, that we should go our separate ways and find our proper spouses, whomever they may be.

The updated version retains the first, positive half, but now the latter half goes something like this: if she and I are not meant for one another, we should still grow and benefit from this relationship (it wasn’t for naught that we went out after all), and when things end, we should part amicably and find success in meeting and marrying our true intended spouses.

Instead of finding the conclusion of that relationship as yet another “setback” in the ongoing journey to find my future wife, I was very inspired by the positive experience. She was also the first, and thus far, only ex-shidduch to ever suggest another person to me, and I still maintain a very high opinion of her.

We should all be zoche to have such happy break ups and recognize them for what they are – not as crushing events that depress us – but as one step closer to finding the real “right” person.