Y U Don't Connect #4: Being Unfairly Dismissive

As a dater, I tried to be one of those who was very dan lekaf zechus, both for myself and other singles when we were constantly berated with the belittling retort “well, the reason why you’re not married is because you’re too picky!” I thought that most guys and girls were simply being lectured by the older generation who were lamenting how much easier it was “back in the day” and that the modern generation is so super-saturated with choices in life that they apply this misdirected attitude toward finding a spouse. Granted, there definitely exist a certain subset of singles who are so full of themselves, usually portrayed as egotistical guys, who want nothing short of perfect and gorgeous, but I believed they were an incorrigible minority.

Speaking from my own dating experience, I can honestly say I tried to give every profile I received proper consideration. I’d read over what was written, make a few phone calls (or have a dating mentor help me with research), and come to a conclusion that whether the girl was worthwhile or not. On a few occasions, I did receive profiles that I declined shortly after reviewing them, because it was simply clear that we were hashkafically mismatched, or in some cases that included a picture I legitimately didn’t find her attractive whatsoever (and as have I mentioned before, to each his/her own in that area, as long as it’s reasonable).

During our time working as Connectors, ASoG and I have experienced what I would describe as a significantly high number of people, both men and women, who are unusually and unfairly dismissive of perfectly good suggestions for the most ridiculous reasons. Certain individuals who we’ve sent dozens of suggestions to have not yet accepted a single idea we’ve given them. It’s not as though we’re coming up with ideas that are a hashkafic mismatch, one person wants to make aliyah tomorrow while the other isn’t interest whatsoever, or that the other person’s appearance is utterly unlike anything they are attracted to. These individuals point out spelling and grammar errors, unclear sentences, or “general feelings” they get after reviewing a profile and simply reject the person outright instead of say, being reasonable and calling the references to find out more.

On the surface, these uber-picky people will tell us, either in their initial decline or when we press for more information when they send a blank response, the person we sent is actually very much what they are looking for. But, there is some seemingly minute detail, which is only apparent in the profile itself that they then use as the lynchpin to reject what otherwise seems like a great shidduch.

Understandably, this is quite frustrating for us, because ASoG and I really do read the profiles and try to match people up as best as we possibly can. Granted, nothing is ever perfect, although sometimes they seem as though they are almost perfect, but I would think that any shidduch that legitimately looks like it has potential should be investigated as much as possible before just throwing away a perfectly good opportunity.

I’m not really sure what the problem is with all these guys and gals. Do they think that there are so many people out there that they can simply turn down any suggestion that is less than a 99% match for their “list” of requirements? Why don’t they actually invest some time into checking out these prospective candidates? Granted, daters using YU Connects, and often daters in the YU World in general, are not required to perform the more extensive research protocols found in the more right wing/yeshivish dating circles. Doing so requires a lot of time and effort, and it can be very frustrating, so many rabbeim encourage a middle ground of some investigation before and more while dating (if things are going well).

At any rate, whatever means of researching suggestions a person may utilize, it seems ridiculous to me that all these people don’t want to put an ounce of effort into checking into prospective matches if everything isn’t picture perfect on paper. Why not ASK for the person’s reference numbers and inquire from the people who know him/her? Or, as a few saner people do, simply ask the connector to find out for you. It’s really very simple. We will email the person saying a potential match would like elaboration on point X in your profile, and we almost always receive a thoughtful reply. I think it behooves each and every member on YUConnects/Saw You at Sinai to treat each suggestion with the utmost seriousness, to the exclusion of the random, dart-board suggestions thrown at them from uncaring connectors.

To the readers who are involved in the more Modern Orthodox-type dating world, particularly those who use YU Connects or SYAS – do you actually make an attempt to check into profile sent to you? If you don’t, why not?

YU Don’t Connect #3 – Remind Me, How Does This Telephone Thing Work?

Welcome back to our ongoing feature of how to improve your YUConnects and Saw You at Sinai dating experience, which I have titled:

Y U Don't Connect - OR - How Not To Be Seen At Sinai.

Please be sure to check out the first and second posts.

Today’s post covers two aspects of an issue that plagues both shadchanim and daters: Lack of courtesy in establishing/maintaining contact by phone.

Part 1:

On occasion, ASoG and I have been fortunate enough to achieve a mutual match, wherein both the guy and girl have checked out the other party’s profile and decided to accept the suggestion. Once the second person clicks the accept button, YUConnects/Saw You at Sinai sends out an automated email containing both numbers, along with the message that the guy should make contact within a short period of time.

It seems simply right? Wrong.

ASoG and I simply don’t understand why guys tend to drag their heels like crazy when it comes to making that first call. Granted, a first phone call is nerve-wracking, but it really shouldn’t be more than a “Hello, how are you? When are you available to go out? I have a few ideas of what we could do, please let me know what you’d prefer.” Scheduling the first phone call can be practically annoying as well, because it is rather silly to call the girl up and ask, “Hello, when will you be free to talk about our first date?” Or the cringe-worthy opener, “Hello, this is so-and-so, is now a good time?"

A much less complicated approach, which I used when I was dating, is to just text the girl and say “Hi, it’s Ploni Almoni from YUConnects. Could you please let me know when/what time would be good to call you to discuss the first date?”

For some reason however, this doesn’t get done so readily. We get calls or emails from girls asking what’s going on, it’s been several days to a week since the phone numbers were sent out and they haven’t heard a peep from Mr. Phone-a-phobe. In our effort to be as helpful as possible, we contact the guy and ask him what the deal is. Every single time we’ve received some lame excuse that in no way vindicates his lack of courtesy in leaving the girl hanging.

By the time we’ve basically yelled at the guy (not quite, though we are quite firm in giving him a bit of mussar), the girl has begun to lose interest because the guy is clearly not quite the mentsch-type if he can’t think about the girl’s feelings while he goes about his business ignoring her. While most times the guy will call right after we hang up, apologize profusely, and things go forward from there, there have been instances where he continued to dilly-dally and the girl got a better offer and dropped him, much to his (self inflicted) disappointment.

Lesson #1 – Guys should ALWAYS call/text the girl ASAP after a mutual match is approved. It really doesn’t take much effort to send a text inquiring her availability for a phone call. Without this first step, no one’s going to connect to anybody since they’ve forced an awkward non-starter.

Point 2:

As soon as we find out that we have a soon-to-be dating couple, we make sure to reach out to each party and let them know we’re there to help in any way we can, including being their go-between for the first few dates, or fielding any questions and responding to issues that may arise as dating goes on.

Many times, no one even responds to this friendly email, so the couple goes out some random number of times and ends the shidduch without telling us anything. We end up emailing them to find out what the deal was, or we try contacting them while they are dating to check up on them and still get no response.

This sort of situation has also led to some awkward and hastily concluded matches because one of the two parties suddenly gets antsy after the first, second, or third date, wants to end the shidduch, but can’t bring him/herself to do so.

Now, I firmly believe this is why the shadchanim are there and why they should be involved in the first few dates. Once a relationship has been established, at say 4-5 dates, then the couple should be comfortable enough to discuss things amongst themselves (following the State of the Union Address), and using an intermediary to decide if there is a next date (or not) is entirely unnecessary. The problem is that people think that this method is archaic, too “frum,” stupid, or whatever, and overestimate their abilities to give a face-to-face or over-the-phone direct rejection.

In this case, the culprits are almost equally divided between male and female. A concerned dater emails/calls to update us on how things are going, and he/she usually say something along the lines of, “I had a great date (or two) with X, there was good conversation, the attraction’s there, and I’m excited for our next date. But, he/she hasn’t been responding to my calls/texts and I’ve already left several voicemails that were unanswered.”

The attention required here from our end is usually more direct, so we (usually me) call the MIA dater and politely ask how things are going. The usual response is that things have been pretty good, but he/she has decided that the other person really isn’t for him/her. We’ll often have a bit of a chat about what bothers them and if their decision is definite, which it almost always is, and then I question why they haven’t been in contact with the other person. Then I hear him/her waffling on the other side of the line, only to come up with some lame excuse that they were sick, had phone trouble, out of town, or busy with work/school.

Were they honestly so busy that they couldn’t send a text or make a brief call to update the other person? And if they honestly didn’t want to continue, why let the other person sit there for days (or weeks) thinking that things were going well, only to decide to drop the bomb on them later? Of course, that job is one that we usually have to do because they’ve suddenly lost their nerve.

I’m a big advocate for using the shadchanim/connectors as go betweens for the first few dates. ASoG and I can’t force anyone to work with us as intermediaries, which is why we offer but don’t demand to be involved. However, if you as a dater decide you don’t need us, be consistent in your bevahior and courteous enough to let the other person know if you have decided to end the relationship. DO NOT drop off the face of the Earth because you’ve suddenly become a super hero by the name of Captain Awkward and need to spend your time avoiding your date. It isn’t right, it isn’t nice, and it certainly won’t help you develop any people skills as you become a more experienced dater.

Lesson #2: Once a shidduch has begun, guys AND girls should never leave the other person in the dark without contact for any extended period of time. Send that text, make that call, or better yet, use your shadchanim from the start like you’re supposed to.

Communication is key. If you can’t learn to effectively communicate now, then you’re in for some real trouble after the chuppah. If all the singles out there would simply learn to be a little more respectful and courteous of their fellow daters, the shidduch world would be a better place.

Y U Don't Connect - Part 2

Tip #2 – Write clearly, intelligently, and with grammatical correctness.

The YU Connects/Saw You at Sinai profile requests that each user fill out a few written sections, describing their family background, who they are, and what they’re looking for - the later only seen by connectors and not potential matches.

It would stand to reason that since these are the portions of the profile that more directly represent who you are – what your hashakafos, beliefs, religious level, and personality traits are – instead of selecting from multiple pre-written terms like the rest of the profile, you’d want to make sure that what you write is an accurate, detailed presentation of what you want a potential spouse to know and consider.

Yet, in the short time that ASoG and I have been serving as connectors, we’ve seen some profiles that are woefully ill-prepared. Here are a few pointers for writing a good profile.

1) Do NOT leave sections blank - It seems simple enough, right? Choosing to leave one of these sections empty creates a gap of knowledge both for the potential match AND the connectors who will know be clueless regarding key elements about you.

People want to know what your family is like, because they envision some sort of in-law relationship based on their personal experience and needs. People need to know about you, because anyone can simply click a bunch of multiple choice options, whereas writing details shows (to a greater degree) what you’re about. Lastly, the section of what you are looking for, if left blank, really inhibits the connectors’ ability to learn more about you and make more accurate matches aside from the computerized categorical comparisons (like religious level, age and height preference, etc).

If a potential match has no clue what you’re about, why would they accept the match? If the connector doesn’t have the foggiest idea who you are and what you’re looking for, how are we supposed to make a thoughtful suggestion? Not writing anything, or not writing enough (see more below) forces us to send you fairly randomized selections chosen by the computer match-up. A lot of people complain that matches sent to them are seemingly without sufficient thought or to “just fill a quota” – connectors are supposed to spend 6 hours a week making matches after all. While the criticism may be true of some/many people who aren’t being serious about their responsibilities as shadchanim, there are others who really do care and want to do a good job (I’m not just referring to ASoG and I – we personally know many very dedicated connectors). We can’t help you if you don’t help us get to know you.

2) Write more than 2 sentences – But you don’t need a whole megillah either. Two succinct, accurate sentences (which they rarely ever are) are better than nothing written at all, but why shouldn’t you be more thorough? The more you write the better, because the reader gets a greater sense of how you think, what you want, what you envision for your future, etc. Some people may feel intimidated or threatened by writing extremely long description of yourself, but others truly appreciate the fact that you wrote a detailed account of who you are and what you’re about. Expanding on what you selected in the earlier sections of the profile – like your learning schedule, views on TV/movies/pop culture, how close you are to your family – can only serve to either convince someone that indeed you are an appropriate match, or demonstrate that you are a great person, but not what they are looking for, and thus no one wastes their time.

From the connector’s standpoint, more is always better – especially in the “what you’re looking for” section. We appreciate someone who is thorough, but fair – NOT someone who writes such an extremely limited set of characteristics, such as “Must be 5’ 5-7”, blond hair, super-model skinny, and with a face pretty enough to launch a thousand ships, because I simply can’t love anyone else.” Aside from the fact that odds are, your choice of turning down every single girl who doesn’t meet this criterion prevents you from going out with great girls, it also means you’re going to get very few suggestions from us, or that we’re going to get tired when you decline every profile we send you because you cite “Physical Appearance.”

3) PLEASE utilize proper grammar, spelling, capitalization, etc. In other words – don’t be “cute” or write as though this were an instant/text message or email to your buddies. Let your date see how “cute” you are in person, where it really counts. As Bad4 mentioned in a comment on my first post in this series – women don’t find it attractive if you write “i lik 2 go on walkz, tlk 2 pretty gurls, n learn tons of torah.” Even if you actually list things that are reputable and describe yourself accurately, not taking the time to write in a professional manner reflects very poorly of your education and your attitudes toward being mature and serious about life. If you are a fun person, write that while providing concrete examples like any properly educated adult would, instead of producing something that looks like it was composed by a middle schooler.

Generally, I would assume that most people would have very little difficulty writing something coherent and readable, though I know that some people legitimately have trouble when writing things like essays for English class. Just like in that scenario, if you want to get that A – get help. Ask someone you trust to read over what you’ve written and give helpful suggestions about phraseology, word choice, etc. If it comes down to it and you have no one who to turn to, ask your connector! We’re here to help you.

ASoG and I once saw a profile that said something to the effect of “I try to view the world and people I meet as positively and openly as I can, that’s why I’m such a pessimistic person.” We were pretty sure that they meant “optimistic” – but who knows. Either way, the mistaken word choice looks bad, and if the person is legitimately pessimistic – who wants to go out with that kind of person anyway?

We’ve also had a few conversations where the person suggested the shidduch wants to know more information because what is written in the profile, though seemingly accurate is vague. The person may mention they’re learning in yeshiva or attending a specific college – why not give some more details about that yeshiva or what course of study you are pursuing, including how far along you are in your educational career? It shouldn’t be the job of the connector to wheedle the information out of you. Related to that point…

4) Keep your profile updated ! If you graduate college, switch yeshivos, decide to drop pre-med and became a lawyer, I think any potential match needs to know these things. Leaving up outdated information is basically akin to someone calling you up and telling you about this great guy you knew back in high school, but have no clue what he’s up to nowadays – how does that help anyone? Please, if something changes in your life, add/correct that in your profile.

If during the course of your dating career you have a gradual evolution of sorts in your hashkafos, religious level, or your preferences for the type of person you are looking for – you NEED to alter your profile to reflect that. I’m not talking about changing your profile once a week to suit a new guy you decided you’re interested in. But every few months, take some time to reread what you’ve written and see if you’ve legitimately shifted perspectives a bit.

Taking a step back – make sure you do some critical thinking before you write the profile in the first place. Meditate on who you are, what you’re looking for, and where you want to go in life. Presenting that information as accurately as you can is the goal of the profile. You want that potential someone to read the things you’ve written, consider them, and make a decision that you are worth going out with, or that it’s not shayach. This whole system is designed to make things easier for everyone involved, singles and shadchanim alike.

If you don’t sit down, take this seriously and put some thought into writing about who you are and what you want in a spouse, how can we (connectors and potential matches) honestly trust any of the other categories that you simply clicked – perhaps without even an actual thought being processed in your brain? Anyone can absent-minded click their mouse a few dozen times, heck, everyone does that at some point for an online survey to try and win a gift certificate to Amazon.com or whatever. But this is NOT a situation where you can let your brain operate on auto-pilot!

Stay tuned for part 3!

P.S. For those of you who need a reason to date someone who can spell worth a darn, check out this 911 call (courtesy of Bad4):

Y U Don't Connect OR How NOT To Be Seen at Sinai

ASoG and I recently became official YUConnectors - AKA shadchanim/matchmakers for YU Connects. I know, too soon, right? Well, in the X months since we've gotten married, we've been bombarded with requests from friends - mostly ASoG's a la this post by Solely in Black and White for us to set them up. We figure this will be a more systematic and helpful way for us to assist friends and acquaintances in finding their soulmates.

However, we've already encountered a large number of profiles that are woefully ill-prepared and show a lack of either A) Common sense or B) Effort. I will be writing several posts that go through some general examples of very unhelpful/disastrous aspects of YU Connects/Saw You at Sinai profiles, with the hopes that some readers out there (especially the guys) will learn from their mistakes and present themselves in a manner that is far more appealing to prospective dates and help the Connectors do their job - after all, we're here to help YOU.

Tip Number 1: Pictures, pictures, pictures.

While this topic has been done to death, and I discussed it fairly extensively here, the point bears repeating and further insight.

YU Connects / SYAS gives you the opportunity to post 3 pictures of yourself. Our suggestion is, use all 3 in this format: 1 normal, 1 dressed up, 1 full body.

This will give the prospective dater a chance to see what you look like on a regular day, with normal clothes, be that white shirt black pants, polo and khakis, jean skirt and whatever (I don't know women's clothing so well, obviously). Additionally, they will see you all decked out in your finest, suit and tie, hat - if applicable, fancy dress or suit, makeup, hair perfectly arranged or straightened, etc. Any potentially interested party will then have some sense of the range of your appearance and dress styles. They can then mentally extrapolate variations between these two polar opposites, which is probably what they'll see on a date.

The reason a full body picture is a good idea is because people can easily lie when it comes to selection one of the labeled body types. This personally happened to me a few times when the girl only uploaded head shots and claimed she was a thin/slender, when she was actually "average" or perhaps "a few extra pounds." I'm not saying this to judge her based on her physical stature, but because the lying bit didn't help me in my decision making process after our first date.

Make sure you select good, clear pictures that show you in a presentable fashion with all your clothing properly arrayed, tucked in, buttoned, straightened, etc.

In only a short time I've seen so many awful pictures posted by guys that I really want to call each of them up and yell at them. Do they think girls LIKE seeing pictures that are fuzzy or blurry, feature half of the guy's face covered in shadow, or farshvitzed from dancing a wedding? The answer to all three is a resounding NO. The first thing ASoG and I analyze upon clicking on a profile is the picture, and ASoG has recoiled in horror at tons of pictures posted by guys, so a lot of the following is based on perspectives she shared with me.

Pictures that aren't clear help no one, if the person can't tell what you look like, don't post it. Regarding the atmospheric lighting shots - this isn't meant to be an art studio gallery of you as a supermodel, the person wants to see your features in as plain a fashion as possible to see if they find you attractive. He or she should not spend time discerning if you are a dark and mysterious type based on the fact that your eyes are entirely hidden.

Angled pictures are okay as long as they are not too extreme, such as a complete side view or a picture that mostly shows your ear and the back of your head. However, please include at least one normal front-on image.

NO GROUP SHOTS - unless they are skillfully cropped for a decent head shot of JUST YOU. What's the point of posting a picture from your friend's wedding with a dozen other guys? Even if it's cropped, but shows you with one or two friends, why do you want to risk A) Confusing the prospective date by making her figure our which guy you actually are or B) Letting her see your friend and possibly find him more attractive than you?

This isn't Facebook, for crying out loud!

The other person wants to see you and determine if they find you physically attractive per their standards. This means that only YOU need to be visible, and not you watching TV, playing a video game, reading a book, learning, or eating. There are sections describing your personality, likes and activities in writing, and that is more than adequate enough - no need to prove how much you learn by showing a picture of you and an open Gemara, or how fun and outdoorsy you are by posing with a fishing rod and your latest catch.

Lastly, if you don't know HOW to take or edit pictures, or if you have no clue if you've selected a decent shot of yourself, PLEASE get someone to help. Even if you don't know how to use the crop or resize functions in your computer's standard image editting softward, I'm willing to bet your sibling, parent, or friend does.

Don't post a picture that has a giant white space next to it, cuts off half your face (or features half of your friend's), and please don't resort to simpling drawing over the person next to you, blurring their face, or putting a big ol' black box over their head.

Yes, we've seen those, no joke. These sorts of pictures show little effort in preparing your profile, and are unflattering with regard to how little you think of a prospective date's analysis of your photographs.

UPDATE 2/19/2011 4:15 PM - From the department of don't EVER post this sort of picture: We just saw a guy who used a photograph of him with an arm around a girl at a party as one of his YU Connects pictures. Not to be judgemental about how frum or not frum he is vis a vis being shomer negiah, but why in the world would you want a prospective date to see you with another girl? Yeesh! Avoid this practice at all costs.

In summary: post 3 clear, normal pictures of just you in everyday clothes, dressed up, along with a full body shot. Your Connectors and potential dates will thank you.

Tune in next time for more helpful tips on finding that special someone by making your YU Connects or Saw You at Sinai profile as great as it can be.