Yesh Mussar Bagoyim

Chazal tell us that there is chochma, but not Torah amongst the nations of the world. I would like to include that they also have mussar as well.

During class recently, I accidentally interrupted another student during their presentation, a time we weren't supposed to be asking questions or making interjections of any sort. I guess my brain was on auto-pilot as I tried listening to what she said while simultaneously taking notes. To put it mildly, I was immediately mortified when she turned to me with a confused expression and the rest of the class also looked in my direction in silence. I quietly apologized and wished I could crawl into a hole in the wall and disappear.

During the break, I profusely apologized to her, explaining what I just wrote and admitted how rude my behavior was, even if it was entirely unintentional.

Later in class, during a group discussion, I also spoke too soon while another student was commenting on a diagram. The same student I had interrupted earlier turned to me and said rather bluntly, "You know, you have a tendency to interrupt people. It's really not nice."

This time, however, I simply said "You're right, thank you." After her remark, I made sure that I was very aware of who was speaking and made sure not to say anything when another person was talking. I honestly hadn't realized that my fast-talking, and often interrupting manner of speech was a big problem in my current academic setting. I guess I've become too used to the format of a quick give-and-take in casual conversation among my friends at YU or in learning. Regardless of the scenario, not being mindful of my tongue and when I should express myself does not behoove me whatsoever.

After we concluded for the day, I went over to the girl who mussared me out and apologized again while also thanking her for the rebuke. I told her about the concept of "mussar," which I couldn't really think of a good translation for, and explained that I appreciated her remonstrance for my interruptions. She smiled and said she can relate since she has a tendency to do that when she's talking with her family at home. Thankfully, we smoothed things over.

Since then, I've learned to be more conscious of when/how I say things, particularly in settings where people from non-Jewish backgrounds may not be familiar with the rapid conversation/exchanges that I have grown accustomed to. I certain never expected to receive mussar from a gentile classmate, but I am glad the opportunity presented itself, not only for my own self-correction, but also to allow me to learn from everyone around me in my daily life.

Learning From An Angel Among Men

ASoG and I recently paid a shiva visit to her great-uncle who lives on the other side of Washington Heights (the Breur’s side) for the unfortunate loss of his younger brother. Both ASoG’s uncle (who I’ll now refer to as Uncle Shmuel) and his brother survived Auschwitz, the only two children of 12 that survived the war.

As I sat there, listening more than talking, I learned more and more about Uncle Shmuel and his brother, and I have to say I admire him now more than ever. I’ve always thought of him as an angel of sorts, just from barely knowing his personality, but now I’ve seen and heard more that convinces me how much of a tzadik he is.

Uncle Shmuel and his wife never had the merit of having children, while his younger brother did have several daughters who married and produced grandchildren. Instead, he and ASoG’s great-aunt Sara treated ASoG’s mother and siblings as their own children. Even now, in their advanced age, he continues to learn daily with great zeal, and she is very involved in baby-sitting and making bikur cholim visits.

One guest that came to be menachem avel while we were there, herself quite elderly, a bit bent over, and generally frail, sat down near Uncle Shmuel with some effort. He thanked her profusely for coming to visit, and she replied that she could never forget the chessed he performed with her husband of blessed memory – who was once a chazan and ba’al koreh in their shul – when he was quite ill and neared his own end. Uncle Shmuel would go downstairs (they live in the same building) and helped her husband put on his tefillin when he no longer had the strength to do so on his own.

Uncle Shmuel recounted a number of stories from his personal experience in the Holocaust, all of which were quite riveting and heart-breaking. When the entire family was deported, he managed to stay with his father while his younger brother (who he was sitting shiva for) was sent to another camp that ended up being slightly less harsh (if one can say that). He never saw his younger brother again during the 5 years they spent in Auschwitz, and his father died before liberation. Thankfully, through hashgacha pratis, he was reunited with his brother 10 days after the American soldiers liberated them, when he went back to his home in Yugoslavia, hoping to meet up with his older siblings. While he found his brother, they later discovered that they were all that was left from their immediate family. They later made their way to a DP camp, then to Belgium, Antwerp, Montreal and finally America.

One particularly striking story that he told us was a recurring dream he had throughout his duration at Auschwitz.

In the dream, which Uncle Shmuel explained became a form of prayer to HaShem, he found himself free from the horrors of the concentration camp and in a wide open field. There was food planted in the field which he would happily harvest and prepare himself, with no need to bother anyone else with the physical labor involved.

He also imagined/wished/requested that he could go learn Gemara like he used to back at his home. He wanted to just learn a Gemara, any Gemara, it didn’t need to be like the fancy Artscroll Gemaros that we have nowadays. He said all he wanted was a simple Gemara, and two little light bulbs, which would let him study day or night. Even the light bulbs didn’t need to be of the high quality variety we enjoy now in America, just two dim little bulbs that would produce enough light to let him see the words printed on the page.

I was blown away after I heard this dream. I sat back and thought about all the things I’ve ever wanted and dreamed about, some serious, most silly and extraneous, and none of it compares to the purity and Emes that Uncle Shmuel expressed.

Uncle Shmuel repeatedly told us that everyone who survived the Holocaust has their own story, but that for him (and others) it has become too difficult for them to properly tell over their experiences. When they were younger, after arriving in America, the survivors focused solely on getting by, they felt as though they were lower than ants, and merely struggled to make a living and exist in their new country. They didn’t think about trying to record their stories because they were so busy rebuilding. Now that they are old, it has become too emotionally draining for them. Aunt Sara can't even begin to relate her experiences without breaking down into tears. I tried to gently encourage him to tell us more, but in the end I respected his admission of how difficult it would be to relate events in more detail.

Uncle Shmuel spoke about how he found his wife, Sara. He was only 19 when he was liberated, and he waited several years until he was in his 20’s and already in America before he started looking to get married. He told us how all he wanted was an aidel Yiddeshe girl, not someone extremely beautiful, nor someone from a wealthy family. He repeated, with great emphasis, that he never wanted someone whose parents had money. For him, having wealthy in-laws was never a consideration. Uncle Shmuel just wanted a religiously observant girl who would build a proper Jewish home, and he certainly found that in his lifelong partner.

Aunt Sara greatly encourages Uncle Shmuel's learning, and is a perfect companion for living a life full of chessed and tzedaka. They regularly host young singles and other not-so-young residents of the Breur's side for Shabbos meals, and Aunt Sara dabbles in shidduchim when she isn't babysitting or visiting a local nursing home.

Uncle Shmuel is clearly a man who recognizes that everything he has is a matat Elokim, a gift from G-d, to quote Koheles. He has been through so much, yet he still appreciates the most minute things in life. How many of us would actually have the same dream he did while he was suffering in Auschwitz? How many of us would put ourselves in his mindset when we are looking for our zivug? Think about all the brachos we enjoy, and how spoiled many, or most of us are.

There are very few people I’ve ever met in my life that I would honestly describe as a malach (angel), but Uncle Shmuel is one of them. May we continue to learn from him and benefit from his experience, wisdom and humility – along with Aunt Sara’s – for many years to come.

Lone Ringer In Shul

I can't stand it!

It's bad enough when someone accidentally leaves his phone on during shul - or perhaps intentionally, but hoping not to get caught - and gets a call in the middle of shemonah esrei.

It's even worse when some guy's phone goes off, particularly with this annoying as all heck ring:




and the jerk is too absorbed in his kavana to turn the darn thing off.

Seriously, if you were really thinking about davening, you would have made sure to double-check that your cell phone was powered off in the first place! Now, that it's YOUR phone that's ringing, you pretend to be having such hailege concentration, breaking down the gates to shomayaim with your prayers, and distracting the rest of us with anger because you won't silence the stupid thing.

So while you're having a grand ol' time davening away, thinking we might not notice your phone ringing because we're also reaching such heights in our prayers, instead, everyone else in the room is silently cursing your disrespect for the shul/beis medrish, tefillah, and most importantly, G-d Himself.

At least when someone mistakenly forgets to turn the phone off and fumbles to silence an unwanted ring, we feel bad for the guy. Yes, we're a little perturbed, but we appreciate the effort to remove the distraction as soon as humanly possible.

But not you, Mr. Let It Ring Dude. Excuse us mere humans for being distracted by your unexpected and unattended phone ringing in your pocket, because we are but mere flesh and blood. You, on the other hand, must have some sort of spiritual level I've never heard of (over 9,000!?) that lets you completely disengage from your corporeal self while you ascend the 7 realms of the heavens and present your heart-felt requests at the very metaphorical feet of the Ruler of the Universe.

This crime is awful in and of itself, no matter where it happens to take place or what particular prayer service it rears its ugly head. However, allowing this to happen in the main Beis Medrish at YU (aka the Glueck Beis Midrash) while Rav Schachter is davening with us? For shame, man!

Mr. Dude, do some teshuva soon. By the way, this would include (according to the Rambam) not ever letting this happen again. However, we will find it in our hearts to forgive you if you accidentally leave the phone on and silence it immediately after it goes off and then proceed to apologize profusely to the congregation after davening is over as part of your penitence.

Sincerely,

Every Other Person In The Shul

Teshuva Season 5770 Thoughts

First off, for those who haven't read my teshuva season thoughts from last year, please check them out here. It was one of my earliest posts, long before this blog received any sort of following or prominent linkage (thanks Bad4), so I don't think many of the current readers have seen it.

Motzei Shabbos was my fifth first-night selichos at YU. Each year I receive an enormous amount of inspiration by the ruach-filled atmosphere in the beis medrish as President Joel leads us into the phase of Elul where the focus on teshuva kicks into high gear. Honestly, it's a scary time in my mind, since things begin to seem really serious. True, we've already had several weeks of L'Dovid HaShem Ori twice a day and shofar blowings after shacharis, but the overwhelming feeling of awe as the yomim noraim approach doesn't hit me until selichos start.

I think this teshuva-season I've been more distracted than usual, not really paying attention to the fact that I have a lot to answer for as well as a boatload of things to work on - things I should have put effort into this past year, things I slacked off where I should have, and new challenges that arose and confronted me with tests I'd never experienced and thus had little hope of passing. How many times have I failed to resist temptation, in things both big and small, when I could have - and should have - been stronger, putting the yetzer hara in his place as I know, deep down, with the strength I honestly know I possessed.

The primary source of my distraction - and this is far from an excuse, because what good are excuses before the Master of the Universe - has been the ongoing wedding preparations and general craziness of engagement. Aside from keeping my mind focused on other things instead of performing serious self reflection and cheshbon hanefesh, I have faced new tests wherein I know I've stumbled here or there, particularly in the realm of relating to, and showing proper sensitivity toward Another Shade of Grey (ASoG). Sure, I could just chalk it up to the whole "I'm a guy, you're a girl, and we just don't quite understand each other yet" notion, but I would like to think I'm a bit better than that. As I said, excuses don't really mean much at all.

Thankfully, she is a very forgiving person, and I tend to apologize profusely upon realizing I've made an error of some sort. There is a lot of adjusting yet to be done, more awaits us as the wedding approaches, and certainly even further nuanced points of compromising, etc will come up during our married life together. So no matter how gentlemanly a guy may be (a goal I aspire to), when it comes to male/female dynamics within a relationship, everyone has some growing room before things really come together.

I wish I could say I had the same enthusiastic, though appropriately humble, confidence I expressed in the aforementioned early post when I began this blog last year, but instead I'm just a bit worried. I have spent far too much time engrossed in my own concerns without giving HaShem due attention, which is definitely not a good thing in my mind. Granted, some of the distractions with regard to getting ready for the wedding have been entirely necessary and are proper preparation for the mitzvah of getting married. However, I have begun to think that I may have taken advantage of the "oh boy, I'm getting hitched" mindset to dodge other responsibilities that would normally have been at the forefront of my thoughts.

Anyway, here I am, a year after starting a hashkafa-based blog that transformed into a shidduch-based blog, soon-to-be-married and shouldering a boatload of responsibility the likes of which I have never dreamed of. I've been reading/learning the sefer "Yom Hachupa L'Chatan" in preparation for the wedding. The sefer ephasizes the significance of the wedding day and how it is akin to, and in many ways, surpasses the signficance of Yom Kippur. Whereas the average Joe (or Jo-anne) gets one Yom Kippur a year, the wedding day comes once a lifetime (hopefully). Not only that, it has the ability to wipe one's slate entirely clean!

I guess it's kind of nifty that I get to go through two Yom Kippur's in a somewhat short time span, especially since the annual Yom Kippur precedes my own person Yom Kippur, which will hopefully prepare me well for the boat-load of teshuva I need to do for this past year as well as the last 20-odd years of my life (and yes I know responsibility doesn't kick in until 13 and heavenly punishment until 20).

I have one friend who got married shortly before Rosh Hashana several years ago. I thought he was lucky since that meant he'd be going into Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with a sparkling white neshama from kapara he received on his wedding day - what could be better! He replied in turn that while my idea had some merit, he had plenty of time over Sheva Brachos and Yom Tov to potentially make more mistakes and rack up enough aveiros to need teshuva all over again.

But, there is still time. As Rav Goldvicht emphasized in his pre-selichos drasha, the word "Hayom" as found in Tanach is darshened by Chazal to refer to Rosh Hashana. The overring point that he emphasized regarding the meaning of "Hayom" is that the power of teshuva has the ability to create a person anew - today. In performing a heartfelt teshuva shelayma, all the mistakes, sins, transgressions, both intentional and unintentional, from the past are completely wiped away - as though they never existed.

One particular example that he cited was the commentary of the Sfas Emes on the incident where Sara laughed at the angel's proclamation that she and Avraham would have a child within the year. HaShem confronts her and asks why she laughed - to which she replies that she didn't laugh. How could our fore-mother Sara dare to say that to HaShem's "face" when it was quite clear that she did, in fact, laugh just a few moments prior? The Sfas Emes explains that upon realizing that she had erred in expressing the laughter, she immediately did teshuva, regretting her outburst. Since teshuva, if done properly (and certainly she did teshuva whole heartedly) can totally erase the negativities of the past, her response that she had never laughed was actually true, from a certain point of view.

May we all merit to engage in proper introspection, find what we need to correct, and implement the necessary changes to improve ourselves and our actions for this coming year. May we all draw closer to our King and Creator, Who will hopefully recognize our sincere efforts to bend our will to more accurately represent what He desires of us in this world - and in doing so, may all our heartfelt requests for the coming year, for good health, happiness, success, sustained spiritual growth in Torah and Mitvos, and of course finding the proper zivug (or maintaining Shalom Bayis, as the case may be J) be speedily written and sealed for all of Klal Yisrael.

The Way To A Woman's Heart: A Response

Reading coralcap's recent post "The Way to a Man's Heart" really got me thinking. I figure it is worthwhile write a complementary post and thereby address some of the guys' issues that have emerged from overly ambitious or unrealistic male expectations from dating/first dates. I have read lots of blogs about the jerk-ified behavior of many guys out there, so my intent is to put them in their place (to be blunt), or at least open their eyes to their foibles that give guys in general a bad name. So for all the good guys out there that don't act out in these repugnant fashions, read the post anyway to you can further remove the possibility of behaving in a way that shames yourself and your fellow men.

1) Put yourself in the right frame of mind. Just because the the fact remains that shidduchim are a market unfairly balanced in favor of guys does not mean that you're G-d's gift to women and can act in such a fashion or treat them in any way that suggests you're doing your date a favor by taking her out. You're not as amazing as your ego says you are, and it's time to develop a proper sense of humility. You've been given a chance to go out with a woman who might be your wife, treat her with the respect she deserves and lose the cocksure attitude, it's unattractive at best, repulsive at worst.

2) Speak to her in warm, friendly tone. She's your date, not your chevrusa or football buddy. The fact that she's female should mean that you switch to an entirely different way of expressing yourself, which includes being polite, respectful, using proper grammar, and similar to #1 not make her feel like you're giving her tzedaka by going on a date with her. You want to be friends with your wife, so you better try to cultivate an atmosphere of friendliness and connection. Your tone of voice is a good starting point. Haughtiness is a big no-no, and I would be most surprised if any serious, intelligent woman out there thinks anyone who sits there spouting lines and stories that clearly demonstrate he's full of himself will want a second or third date.

3) Be courteous. This means holding the door for your date, making sure that she is comfortable at your dating location, and periodically checking on how calling the girl is doing (if you're having an activity date, see if she's hungry, thirsty, or would like to use the restroom). Also, never be late or don't call her if you get delayed or something comes up that makes your arrival later than expected. Acting as a proper gentleman and dutifully caring for your date, regardless of where the shidduch ends up, is proper protocol. None of this "well, if she sees me as the typical guy that I am and can stand that, she must be a keeper." Real men act like gentlemen, not brutes who only think of themselves.

4) Knock it off with the boastful tales of your antics. Seriously, dudes. Your buddies may appreciate your vainglory tales of doing "guy things" and causing unwanted mischief, but girls quite probably don't. If anything, such immature revelations about yourself will make her think you're not quite grown up enough to be a functional husband and father. One or two stories from your youth (IE 13 or younger) can be cute, because that's what little boys do. Talking about childish accomplishments, pranks, etc that you have devised and carried out when you're anywhere near the age of dating does not cast a positive light on your ability to be a serious and loving partner and head of a household. That doesn't mean you shouldn't been humorous or tell jokes (in fact girls like it when you can make them smile and laugh), but having a sense of humor and laughing uncontrollably at your own stories that involve scatological references are apples and oranges, my friend.

5) Show interest. It doesn't matter if you don't think the shidduch isn't going to go anywhere. There is no reason why you need to emotionally and psychologically disengage from the conversation and interaction with your date. Leave the brooding and decision making until after you get home. Your date put in a lot of effort, probably a lot more than you did for this outing, and she deserves some positive expression of emotion that you're happy to be there. Don't mislead her by being overly enthusiastic when you're not feeling that way, but you should not give off a negative vibe while on a date.

6) Make eye contact. Guys' eyes have a tendency to wander around to places women don't want them staring at. She is a human being and deserves your full attention on her face. You can learn a lot from the way she emotes, and there is a lot more depth to those expressions than can be gathered just from hearing the words coming out of her mouth as your stare at her chest (or elsewhere) and wonder about dress sizes and other insignificant things. Even if you aren't engaging in perverted thoughts, your date rightfully deserves your full attention to demonstrate that you are properly following the conversation and find her a worthwhile companion for this date. Even if you think she's not attractive, worry about that later and don't let on that you don't think she's hot or whatever.

7) Body language is important. Don't slouch. Don't sit there with your legs spread out like you were hanging out with the guys drinking a beer and watching the game. Be relaxed, not uptight, but don't get overly comfortable that it indicates you really don't care about the date. How you arrange your posture shouldn't give the impression that the comfy-ness of your sitting position is more important than properly interacting with your date by making eye contact, etc. You need to physically demonstrate attentiveness aside from looking in her general direction.

8) Be thankful. Your date isn't "doing you a favor" by going out with you, and you certainly don't deserve any particular girl's attention or affection. Showing off an attitude that expresses your thoughts that you have a list of other girls you could have gone out with, so this girl isn't so important, is very, very insensitive and wrong. Even if you actually have such a list of candidates, your focus and gratitude needs to be on the here and now: She is the only woman in the world that matters. Make your judgment call about continuing the date after it's over and you've dropped her off at her house/apartment. No matter what happens, thank her for the opportunity to go out with her, it can never hurt.

9) Reciprocate Feelings. Some guys tend to be dunderheads and unaware of subtle (or not so subtle) female emotional expressions. In turn, they might revel in the fact that a girl likes them, or be scared out of their wits at the prospect of someone liking who they are. In either situation, be more observant of hints and respond accordingly. There is no reason to go overboard, nor should guys clam up like a box turtle and pretend nothing is going on. Being at ease and responding measure-for-measure is a surefire way to allow a relationship to progress where both the guy and girl are developing feelings on the same page without one having to "keep up" with the other. Having feelings for a person of the opposite gender can be intimidating, but you shouldn't let them be. Relax, turn off any preconceived notions or that macho male autopilot mode (where emotional expression is wimpy, or downright unmanly), and respond to your date, especially as you continue going out.

I tried to stay as close to coralcap's original format as I could, modifying where I thought necessary. So what do the guy's for whom this was an eye-opening experience think? Do my fellow "nice guys" agree and have anything to add? What about the gals - am I on target?

A Dating Case Study: Dave and Buster's

I’ve always thought that a date at Dave and Buster’s can be a very informative (not to mention fun) experience. For those who are have never been there before, Dave and Buster’s is a national chain of arcades the feature many different kinds of video games and other similar gaming activities (such as air hockey, basketball cabinets, and skeeball). In a sense, Dave and Buster’s is a Chuck-E-Cheese for adults, as odd of a concept as that is.

Many people have made the case (almost always from the female perspective) that dates at Dave and Buster’s and similar venues are entirely male-centered, since guys love video games. These bloggers remark that the girl basically suffers through the date while the guy makes an unsuccessful attempt to demonstrate the great fun to be had in this type of leisure “guy” activity. His failure to really engage his date’s interest becomes the focal point for girls’ objection to these types of dates.

Empirically, I have found this is not the case, for the most part. When I started dating, Dave and Buster’s was just an activity that was a worthwhile 2^nd or 3^rd date, since it changes the pace of the more conversation oriented 1^st or 2^nd date and gives you something to physically do. The various games available aren’t as physically involving as say, playing a game of 1-on-1 basketball together (which, aside from being a presumably rare occurrence in general, presents a number of potential shomer negiah issues, among other difficulties). However, the selection of games is definitely more engaging than playing checkers or Bananagrams.

Granted, there are certain video games that can arguably be said to be more male-centric, such as first person shooters (the games with the guns). However, I have found many dates (though not all) have had no real problem cooperatively playing as government agents responding to a terrorist threat (as in the Time Crisis series). I definitely steer clear of the more gory zombie-related titles (since I myself don’t enjoy them), but I am often pleasantly surprised how interested, and talented dates can be when playing these games.

That genre aside, the majority of the games are equally attractive to both genders. Who doesn’t enjoy a good game of that timeless classic Pac-Man? Another good example are racing games, whether standard versions or the more wacky (and in my opinion more fun) Mario Kart. I’m not particularly good at racing games in general, so participating in a fun bit of competition in a safe fashion (quite unlike street racing, or even go-carts) can draw out certain aspects of a person’s personality that he/she may otherwise be actively trying to keep in check, thereby providing a better glimpse of who they really are.

While dating, and certainly at the start of a shidduch, most everyone (hopefully) does their utmost to maintain their most professional, courteous, best-foot-forward presentation of him/herself. At some point in the relationship, the daters need to start “letting their hair down,” and get past the expertly organized façade that generates the awkward interactions we all experience during those first few outings. Some people try to artificially construct “tests,” such as the infamous red light car-key grab and bait (I have yet to determine the authenticity of this story).

I’m not such a fan of deliberately forcing such situations to get someone to reveal the artificially hidden, though true, aspects of their date’s temperament. Things go wrong on dates, regardless of how much planning is involved. Examples of my own personal experience include picking a Starbucks that ends up having no seats (either from over-patronage, or inconvenient store layout), Starbucks that lacked a functional bathroom (either from store layout, or plumbing malfunction) – both circumstances requiring somewhat lengthy treks, sometimes in unpleasant weather conditions, to find a suitable store. Another example is those awkward encounters accompanied by prolonged conversations with random interlopers who butt into your date-in-progress and won’t take the polite hint to leave.

In short, there are many different, randomly generated (or probably more accurately, Hashgacha Pratis arranged) little bumps along the road that give you an opportunity to see how your date reacts under non-ideal conditions.

Nevertheless, I think a little healthy competition can be helpful in breaking down the barriers purposely raised between the guy and girl. One specific area where this manifests itself is the general idea of the guy displaying a particular prowess he may have at one particular game (or in general). Should the guy, who may arguably be the better player or have more practice, freely compete in the game, or should he let his date win?

At first, I wrestled with this idea in my own mind, or discussed it with my male friends on the theoretical level. More recently, I’ve even begun bringing up the notion on actual dates. My friends typically didn’t have a clear answer, or thought it was nicer to not dominate every game and let the date win every now and then. Most dates, when presented with the question, have basically said that there is no real reason to “go easy” on them.

As a result, there are times where I’ve been beaten into the ground in certain games. I have very rarely won at Skeeball; I simply have no knack for it. On the one occasion that I went bowling on a date (which has its own truckload of awkward moments), I was soundly beaten twice! This was, and is, for me one my most embarrassing moments in dating thus far. Perhaps this stemmed from the fact that skeeball is a distant cousin to bowling, or maybe she was just that much better than I was, offense to my male ego notwithstanding.

Air hockey is also a good source of competition, and a game that my dates are usually very into. As such, air hockey matches can get pretty intense. Aside from the comparison of skill level, there are also surprising moments that can generate unexpected reactions – such as scoring a goal on yourself, thereby giving away a free point – or worse, unintentionally handing over the victory. True, the overall significance of who wins the match is rather minimal, but emotional outbursts in the positive (expressions of sportsmanship) or negative (being a sore loser) can come to the forefront. If someone can brush off a loss, or two, that shows (in my view) a microcosmic healthy perspective on life. The converse example, if someone becomes overtly angry and determined to “pay you back” over such a trivial defeat, can be very indicative of possessing an easily excitable temper or other negative trait.

Dance-Dance Revolution (DDR) is an interesting game in general, and particularly so on a date. The series originated in Japan (as most mainstream games do) and became a part of the social culture of Japanese youth. After introduction on our shores, the innovative new way of game-play was also a hit, and I very often see a dating couple playing DDR in arcades.

I freely admit that I’m not very good at DDR, but I always suggest it as a sort of inquiry into how adventurous my date is. The ridiculousness of stepping and hopping to the beat of some techno-y J-Pop (Japanese pop) song can certainly serve as a big ice-breaker for the developing relationship. Most girls, from my experience, won’t even consider playing the game. Certainly, the method of play can get a bit embarrassing, particularly if you can’t keep up with the directional arrows that tell you where to step when and how much (I find the split left-right / front-back combinations the most difficult).

Someone may also be wondering if this is a violation of mixed dancing of some sort. I’m not so sure, but am inclined to say no – there are two separate dance pads and no actual physical interaction, or even dancing with one another. You’re basically bouncing up and down side-by-side for several rounds of pop-induced silliness - though I have seen some players who take the game extremely seriously, which would seem to suck a the fun out of it for me (as impressive as it is to see the really good DDR fans go at it). In any event, DDR also provides a bit of a work-out, which always makes me wonder if I should warn girls ahead of time that they shouldn't wear heels (though I've never encountered the issue before). It might sound strange if I request that they wear their 'dancing shoes,' though.

Claw/crane machines provide a good outlet for the guy to show off his skills (should he have any), and if he’s successful, he can win a cute little stuffed animal for his date. I happen to be better at these games than most guys (based on an unscientific poll from a number of friends), so I often successfully snag one (or more) plushy critters for my date. Every date finds it pretty impressive when I win, though I do wonder what the girls who I’ve gone out with in the past have done with those mementos after the relationship ended…

Which brings me to my final point (and the inspiration for this entire post) – I have found that one crucial part of a Dave and Buster’s date to be a very accurate indicator regarding the future of a shidduch. A number of games, such as basketball, skeeball, and a few others will dispense prize tickets depending on how many points you score. If you and/or your date are talented, you end up acquiring a good number of tickets by the end of the night – which of course leads to the obligatory ticket count and visit to the prize room. I have always taken dates to the prize room (with its ridiculously priced toys and knickknacks) to try and get her something as a reminder/conclusion of the evening.

Here’s my key observation: Every date willingly accompanies me to check out all the goodies on display, after all, it’s fun to see all the fun (big stuffed animals) and strange (crock-pots?!) things they have. However, only girls that expect to go on at least two more dates (meaning the relationship has some substance) lets me use our collected tickets to get her a prize. No one can turn down the stuffed animals obtained from claw machines, but it seems like they feel guilty if they’re planning to dump me and don’t want to “waste” the ticket total on my little Dave and Buster’s card (it works like a debit card, basically). Almost every time, any girl that declines a redeeming the tickets for a prize will end the relationship after that date, or give it one shot and then reject me.

With my recent streak of short-lived shidduchim, I’ve amassed quite the number of tickets on my card which just sit unused in my wallet. Maybe the date that actually decides to redeem them for a prize (and by the time that happens, I could have enough to get something more than ordinary) will also be the one…?

Character Traits

It's late, but I need to compose something before my mind can rest...

Have you ever had someone you know point out an inherently negative trait of yours - and be completely correct? There is no use denying the claim, because deep down, you know it to be true. But what if having that negative trait really isn't the pitfall that you (and that other person) might have thought it was?

I have been called pessimistic on a few occasions by someone close to me. Admittedly, I have a certain pessimistic side that can take hold, given enough "encouragement" (and by that I mean a number of bad/wrong things happening in my life, usually all around the same time, or at the very same time). But I resent being called a pessimist, not because it isn't actually true, but because I think I can rise above that and become something greater.

This particular notion was crystalized for me by Rabbi Natanel Lebowitz, a rebbe at Yeshivat Lev HaTorah. While I did not attend Lev HaTorah during my time in Israel, I did have Rabbi Lebowitz as my shiur rebbe at NCSY Kollel the summer before my senior year in high school. He is extremely charismatic, pulls no punches when it comes to mussar, and is a very emes-dik person who is certainly worth the admiration he receives from his students. If there is anyone who can be said to have single-handedly influenced me to spend a year in Israel before college, it was Rabbi Lebowitz. When Rabbi Lebowitz gave a special mussar schmooze last year at YU, I couldn't help but attend, even if I was basically the only non-Lev HaTorah alumnus there. I was expecting to hear some inspirational divrei Torah (since most everything I ever heard him say was indeed inspirational), but I didn't expect to be blown away as I was.

I forget what source Rabbi Lebowitz cited, but this is the basic idea: While we know the Avos as being renowned for possessing specific traits, namely Avraham with Chessed, Yitzchak with Gevura, and Yaakov with Emes/Tiferes, the truth behind those designations are that the Avos were in fact born with the inherent opposite trait. The best example that he brought (with the most examples, although Avraham had a few, and Yitzchak as well) was Yaakov Avinu.

Yaakov is know throughout our rabbinic commentaries as being a man of Emes - Truth. But when you examine the parts of the Torah that tell us stories about his life, we see a bit of a different picture. First, there is the tricky bit about convincing Esav to sell the birthright. Even if you hold of the midrashim that expand the background of the story, and that Esav knew he couldn't handle the kehuna and Yaakov knew he was better suited for that, nevertheless, Yaakov still concluded the deal with Esav under duress from his exhaustion.

Esav's later claim against Yaakov that he makes to Yitzchak when Yaakov "steals" the brachos - that Yaakov is a trickster of sorts, is fairly on target. Yaakov doesn't resist too much when his mother offers the suggestion to play dress up and convince his blind, elderly father that he was in fact Esav. Seemingly a man of Emes would have no part in such a deception, no matter how righteous his cause. His response of "here I am, Esav is your first born" is a creative reading of the words, but Yaakov also intended to answer his father is such a way to successfully carry out the scheme to obtain the brachos of the first born.

Lastly, commentaries regarding Yaakov's dealings with his father-in-law Lavan are quite clear that Yaakov believed he could be just as much of a swindler as Lavan, should Lavan try to make an example of him and attempt to assume the title of best underhanded businessman. And Yaakov certainly does out perform Lavan with his strategy for breeding certain coat colorations in his flock, thus taking basically every bit of wealth Lavan had, as we are told (in Rashi, I believe).

So what's the point of all this? I'm certainly not trying to drag Yaakov's name through the mud - and neither was Rabbi Lebowitz. The important point to focus on is the fact that in spite of this inherent dishonest nature that Yaakov possessed, he overcame these tendencies to define himself as a man of absolute Truth. He didn't blame this inherent negative characteristic of his and use it as an excuse for anything he did. When it was necessary to utilize these tendencies for a more positive goal, he did so. Nevertheless, Yaakov is not defined for posterity as a man who went around being dishonest. He is forever known as a man of Emes, because he made the effort to conquer the negative trait that indeed was his given nature, and was successful.

Without claiming in any way that I possess the intestinal fortitude of our forefather, I do believe that we should all think about this example - as we should with everything the Avos did (ma'aseh avos siman l'banim, after all), and draw inspiration for our own lives. True, everyone has some negative trait(s) that they possess, that is undeniable, since no one is completely perfect these days (or ever, I guess). Nevertheless, we should do out very best to be motivated by the recognition of our negative traits, and be spurred to overcome them, effectively using them as a springboard to become better people.

So while I do have a pessimistic side, and I know for a fact that I demonstrated that trait far more often that I would like to admit in my past (certainly before I spent two years in Israel), I don't like the idea of being defined as a negative, pessimistic person. It simply isn't true, not because I don't have that trait, but because I reject it as a defining characteristic, because I know I can rise above that negativity and be a better person. As a result, I try very hard to be optimistic about most everything in life, and do my best to find the positive in everything and everyone I encounter.

I love the feelings of positive energy and simcha that are to found in simple, everyday life. True, there are moments where I can't ride the high of that positivity, and that's fine since life isn't perfect to begin with. I will still rise against those feelings and push back the darkness, a defiant light shining brightly amidst the blackness that can be the reality of the world we live in.

So the person who called me pessimistic wasn't wrong, per se, but I hope to prove to them that they were in fact incorrect about who I am now (and maybe someday they will recognize the change within me). I truly believe I have implanted the notion of being a positive person within my heart, and that such a concept has taken root. I'm not infallible, but I don't expect to be. I simply must do the best I can, and never, ever give up.

And with that, I'll depart for dreamland...