Date Case Study: Barnes and Noble

I figure it's time to bring back what was supposed to be a series about in-depth analysis of particular dating locations, so here we are. For those who missed the first one on Dave and Busters, be sure to check it out.

Without a doubt, I would classify myself as a bibliophile. Every year when the YU Seforim Sale rolls around, I know I’ll end up spending an unreasonable amount of time browsing the aisles, checking out each section, often more than once. There are simply so many interesting and intriguing titles in such a large variety of subjects that grab my attention, I almost can’t help myself. I am constantly enticed to pick up a book, flip through it, and add it to the growing pile I schlep around in my circuitous path that eventually ends up at the cash register. ASoG can personally attest to all this.

However, as basically everyone knows, you’d be crazy to take a date to the Seforim Sale unless you are already serious with one another, the relationship’s existence is public knowledge, and/or you happen to already be engaged – unless you both work there, which provides a decent cover story (or does it?). Going to the Seforim Sale with an opposite gender companion other than your grandparent, parent or sibling instantly puts you on display and gives birth to scuttlebutt which can be a bit annoying. Even hanging out with your other-gender sibling, as innocent as that is, can appear suspicious if no one knows him/her. This actually happened to a friend of mine this year. People asked about the girl he was with, who happened to be his younger sister, for several days after their shopping experience.

While going on a date to the SOY Sale isn’t the best idea, going to Barnes and Noble, on the other hand, is quite a fun and enlightening experience. I personally wouldn’t recommend it as a suggestion for one of the first few dates, but rather as something to do once the initial ‘getting to know you’ phase has been completed. At this point, you’ve established that you like your date a bit, you’re interested in finding out more about his/her interests and personal passions that extends beyond introductory small talk that established a basis of commonality between the two of you.

The Barnes and Noble store in the Manhattan area which I find most suitable for dates is the 4 story location at 66^th and Broadway. There are numerous large, varied areas to browse, including DVD’s, periodicals, travel, children’s, cookbooks, classics, current popular releases, science fiction, and a large comic book / manga section.

One fun place to start off is the travel section, especially since it’s located on the entry level (though you could start at the bottom with the movies/DVDs - I’ve also started in the popular fiction/new releases or children’s section). This part of the store is particularly fun if you’re from different states, or are both out-of-towners. The reason why this collection of books is fun is because it allows you to “visit” your hometown and show it off, to a degree, to your potential significant other. Granted, it’s nothing like actually heading off for an actual tour of all the locales where your family resides, but it’s a close enough facsimile – at least to whet their appetite of curiosity regarding where you grew up. Aside from all the little travel guides, I often find it fun to check out the Weird State series, wherein you can learn about all sorts of kooky stuff that even you probably didn’t know about.

Popular/new releases is entertaining, because it gives you a sense of what the world finds interesting these days. Here you’ll find a ton of instant conversation starters that cover the wide range of issues, ideas, and genres that people are talking about. Whether it’s the annoying newest teen series on vampires/wizards/werewolves/whatever, some controversial political book about Israel, a tell-all (auto)biography, or the latest thriller, you can check out the most recently released reading material.

The children’s section is an enjoyable place to revisit favorite books from when you were young, as well as check out all the zany new stuff on the market these days. I was a big fan of Animorphs and Goosebumps, but others might have fond memories of another series you’ve never heard of, particularly since boys and girls generally don’t read the same sorts of books at that age. Going through your childhood reading – both pleasure and school assigned – and talking about your likes and dislikes is always an interesting conversation.

Cookbooks are a fun place to browse, and particularly in the aforementioned Barnes and Noble since it has a fairly decent sized selection of kosher cookbooks of various kinds, from the New York Times collection of kosher recipes to Pupa Dweck’s Aleppo cookbook. Particularly for people who have different backgrounds, whether Sephardi/Ashkenazi or even Tri-State/out of towner, I always found it interesting to talk about different trademark family dishes, personal preferences, as well as using this section as a bit of a launching point to talk about Shabbos/Yom Tov experiences growing up, which naturally include the food served at those meals.

I generally shied away from the self-help, philosophy, and romance sections, primarily because most things found there are probably not so conducive to conducting informal, non-invasive conversation. Particularly if this is an earlier date in the relationship, it would be rather awkward to stumble across a book addressing an issue one of the daters had at some point in his/her life (or are still struggling with) and have that come up in such a haphazard way instead of a proper, face-to-face/heart-to-heart conversation later on when such things should be revealed and discussed for the relationship to progress into more serious territory. Unless both the people are big philosopher-types, not much worthwhile can be found there for fun date conversation. Romance is clearly out the window based on the unrealistic, not to mention, often-vulgar content found there. What good Jewish boy/girl reads that trash anyway?

The marriage relationship section may be interesting, but I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone not seriously dating, contemplating engagement, or already engaged.

There is also a religion/Judaism section, which may be a place to see what sort of interesting/more religious things are stocked at the store (how many Artscroll/Feldheim titles, for example), but unless you’re into academic Jewish studies or perhaps something more mainstream like Chief Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, I don’t think you’ll find much to talk about there.

I always had a lot of fun going through the science fiction and manga/comic book sections. Granted, the appeal of these areas are limited based on personal preference and interest, but for someone like me, I took it as an opportunity to safely “geek out” on my dates (not in an absurd fashion, I did maintain proper decorum) and see how they reacted. I think it’s very important for people to introduce their date to all the aspects of their personality and their significant interests/hobbies, particularly in relation to pop culture. Presumably, whatever it is you’re “into,” be that a certain book series, comic, movie, TV show or whatever is important enough to you that it helps the other person understand you and what you’re about a bit better.

Along the lines of my long-ago post, Pop Culture Conundrum, I feel that it’s important to personally understand your relationship with pop culture, and that it is absolutely necessary to share this part of you with your potential spouse. If you are going out with someone who is vehemently against general pop culture, or perhaps only invests their time and brain space on more “serious” aspects of secular culture such as “classic” literature, but has little tolerance for anything more mass pop culture, that could be a big problem. For a while, I looked for someone who had similar pop-culture interests, hoping that would be a point of connection, as it often is with shared interests in the secular dating world. After experiencing several shidduchim with girls who were “my type” but didn’t really have any interest whatsoever in my pop culture ventures, I decided (wisely) that the appropriate approach is to find someone who isn’t A) Opposed to or offended by my pop culture interests and B) Can at least tolerate my pop culture interests, but also perhaps enjoy them with me on some level, with the understanding that I shouldn’t have expectations of “converting” her into a sci-fi fanatic or whatever.

In the end, this worked quite well. As I mentioned in my birthday post, ASoG picked up on a point of discussion about a certain book that I was looking forward to buying at some point in the near future, and actually purchased that very volume some time after our date, then presented it me as a gift on my birthday.

Anyway, there are other sections in the store, such as the current fiction, classics, games, periodicals, and the lower floor with all the CDs and DVDs – all ripe for conversation topics, personal insights, and opportunities to tell stories from your life. I never really spent much time in any of them (particularly the DVD section, which is on the bottom floor), simply because we lingered for significant periods of time in the sections I have described.

One of the great things about book stores, such as Barnes and Noble, and especially this particular location, is that they allow you to custom-tailor your conversation experience, offering a very wide range of topics to discuss (I won’t go so far as to say an unlimited). Whereas coffee-shop date conversations can often meander all over the place, there is no real structure to what is brought up. Here, you can have some guidance regarding what is talked about and when – particularly if you know the layout of the store and have a specific story or topic you’d like to talk about – such as me with my sci-fi/comic geek out.

In the end, it’s really up to you. While my examples may be somewhat far-reaching in application, the experience is entirely your own, and I strongly encourage Barnes and Noble as a great date location. As I mentioned before, I would recommend reserving it for a 4^th, 5^th, or 6^th date, after most of the fluff Jewish Geography and Israel experience topics have run their course. When you’re ready to start getting to know your date’s deeper intellectual interests (and to have fun too), Barnes and Noble is the place to go.

Y U Don't Connect - Part 2

Tip #2 – Write clearly, intelligently, and with grammatical correctness.

The YU Connects/Saw You at Sinai profile requests that each user fill out a few written sections, describing their family background, who they are, and what they’re looking for - the later only seen by connectors and not potential matches.

It would stand to reason that since these are the portions of the profile that more directly represent who you are – what your hashakafos, beliefs, religious level, and personality traits are – instead of selecting from multiple pre-written terms like the rest of the profile, you’d want to make sure that what you write is an accurate, detailed presentation of what you want a potential spouse to know and consider.

Yet, in the short time that ASoG and I have been serving as connectors, we’ve seen some profiles that are woefully ill-prepared. Here are a few pointers for writing a good profile.

1) Do NOT leave sections blank - It seems simple enough, right? Choosing to leave one of these sections empty creates a gap of knowledge both for the potential match AND the connectors who will know be clueless regarding key elements about you.

People want to know what your family is like, because they envision some sort of in-law relationship based on their personal experience and needs. People need to know about you, because anyone can simply click a bunch of multiple choice options, whereas writing details shows (to a greater degree) what you’re about. Lastly, the section of what you are looking for, if left blank, really inhibits the connectors’ ability to learn more about you and make more accurate matches aside from the computerized categorical comparisons (like religious level, age and height preference, etc).

If a potential match has no clue what you’re about, why would they accept the match? If the connector doesn’t have the foggiest idea who you are and what you’re looking for, how are we supposed to make a thoughtful suggestion? Not writing anything, or not writing enough (see more below) forces us to send you fairly randomized selections chosen by the computer match-up. A lot of people complain that matches sent to them are seemingly without sufficient thought or to “just fill a quota” – connectors are supposed to spend 6 hours a week making matches after all. While the criticism may be true of some/many people who aren’t being serious about their responsibilities as shadchanim, there are others who really do care and want to do a good job (I’m not just referring to ASoG and I – we personally know many very dedicated connectors). We can’t help you if you don’t help us get to know you.

2) Write more than 2 sentences – But you don’t need a whole megillah either. Two succinct, accurate sentences (which they rarely ever are) are better than nothing written at all, but why shouldn’t you be more thorough? The more you write the better, because the reader gets a greater sense of how you think, what you want, what you envision for your future, etc. Some people may feel intimidated or threatened by writing extremely long description of yourself, but others truly appreciate the fact that you wrote a detailed account of who you are and what you’re about. Expanding on what you selected in the earlier sections of the profile – like your learning schedule, views on TV/movies/pop culture, how close you are to your family – can only serve to either convince someone that indeed you are an appropriate match, or demonstrate that you are a great person, but not what they are looking for, and thus no one wastes their time.

From the connector’s standpoint, more is always better – especially in the “what you’re looking for” section. We appreciate someone who is thorough, but fair – NOT someone who writes such an extremely limited set of characteristics, such as “Must be 5’ 5-7”, blond hair, super-model skinny, and with a face pretty enough to launch a thousand ships, because I simply can’t love anyone else.” Aside from the fact that odds are, your choice of turning down every single girl who doesn’t meet this criterion prevents you from going out with great girls, it also means you’re going to get very few suggestions from us, or that we’re going to get tired when you decline every profile we send you because you cite “Physical Appearance.”

3) PLEASE utilize proper grammar, spelling, capitalization, etc. In other words – don’t be “cute” or write as though this were an instant/text message or email to your buddies. Let your date see how “cute” you are in person, where it really counts. As Bad4 mentioned in a comment on my first post in this series – women don’t find it attractive if you write “i lik 2 go on walkz, tlk 2 pretty gurls, n learn tons of torah.” Even if you actually list things that are reputable and describe yourself accurately, not taking the time to write in a professional manner reflects very poorly of your education and your attitudes toward being mature and serious about life. If you are a fun person, write that while providing concrete examples like any properly educated adult would, instead of producing something that looks like it was composed by a middle schooler.

Generally, I would assume that most people would have very little difficulty writing something coherent and readable, though I know that some people legitimately have trouble when writing things like essays for English class. Just like in that scenario, if you want to get that A – get help. Ask someone you trust to read over what you’ve written and give helpful suggestions about phraseology, word choice, etc. If it comes down to it and you have no one who to turn to, ask your connector! We’re here to help you.

ASoG and I once saw a profile that said something to the effect of “I try to view the world and people I meet as positively and openly as I can, that’s why I’m such a pessimistic person.” We were pretty sure that they meant “optimistic” – but who knows. Either way, the mistaken word choice looks bad, and if the person is legitimately pessimistic – who wants to go out with that kind of person anyway?

We’ve also had a few conversations where the person suggested the shidduch wants to know more information because what is written in the profile, though seemingly accurate is vague. The person may mention they’re learning in yeshiva or attending a specific college – why not give some more details about that yeshiva or what course of study you are pursuing, including how far along you are in your educational career? It shouldn’t be the job of the connector to wheedle the information out of you. Related to that point…

4) Keep your profile updated ! If you graduate college, switch yeshivos, decide to drop pre-med and became a lawyer, I think any potential match needs to know these things. Leaving up outdated information is basically akin to someone calling you up and telling you about this great guy you knew back in high school, but have no clue what he’s up to nowadays – how does that help anyone? Please, if something changes in your life, add/correct that in your profile.

If during the course of your dating career you have a gradual evolution of sorts in your hashkafos, religious level, or your preferences for the type of person you are looking for – you NEED to alter your profile to reflect that. I’m not talking about changing your profile once a week to suit a new guy you decided you’re interested in. But every few months, take some time to reread what you’ve written and see if you’ve legitimately shifted perspectives a bit.

Taking a step back – make sure you do some critical thinking before you write the profile in the first place. Meditate on who you are, what you’re looking for, and where you want to go in life. Presenting that information as accurately as you can is the goal of the profile. You want that potential someone to read the things you’ve written, consider them, and make a decision that you are worth going out with, or that it’s not shayach. This whole system is designed to make things easier for everyone involved, singles and shadchanim alike.

If you don’t sit down, take this seriously and put some thought into writing about who you are and what you want in a spouse, how can we (connectors and potential matches) honestly trust any of the other categories that you simply clicked – perhaps without even an actual thought being processed in your brain? Anyone can absent-minded click their mouse a few dozen times, heck, everyone does that at some point for an online survey to try and win a gift certificate to Amazon.com or whatever. But this is NOT a situation where you can let your brain operate on auto-pilot!

Stay tuned for part 3!

P.S. For those of you who need a reason to date someone who can spell worth a darn, check out this 911 call (courtesy of Bad4):

Invasion of The Cradle Snatchers

Suri was beside herself with grief. She threw her cell phone across her bedroom, where it crashed into the wall. The back compartment popped off and the battery skittered somewhere under her bed. Yet another shadchan had told her the dreaded line she had grown to expect and hate at the same time:

“I’m so sorry dear. You’re just too old for what the boys are interested in these days.”

Merely thinking about that stuck up, know-it-all, tone of voice echoing in her head made Suri ball her hand into a fist and punch her pillow. She wished she could just gather up all these inconsiderate old ladies wearing ill-fitting black dresses, outrageously expensive, badly styled sheitels, topped off with enough makeup to make a clown envious, and wring all their necks one-by-one.

Who were they to tell her that she was “too old?” What right did they have to determine what the age limit was for eligibility, declaring, seemingly at random, that certain girls were “over-the-hill” and no longer acceptable for shidduchim? Why did they get to make the rules that decide when girls were “out of the game?”

A squeal emanating from the hallway interrupted Suri’s outraged ruminations. Chaya, Suri’s younger sister, abruptly poked her head into Suri’s room, smiling ear to ear.

“Guess what!?” Chaya asked, her eyes wide with excitement. Suri simply scowled in return, since she already knew what Chaya was going to say.

“Pray tell.”

Chaya’s face contorted in confusion, “What does that mean?”

Suri sighed in frustration, rolled her eyes, and replied “What?”

“I just got a call from Mrs. Frumkelshtein! I have a date with that cute Mandelbaum boy from down the block.”

Suri’s eyes bulged out in shock, while an angry vein rose to the surface of her skin and began to pulsate on her forehead. “She gave you the Mandelbaum boy!? ARGH!” She exclaimed in frustration, as the remaining shreds of her dan lekaf zechus thoughts evaporated into thin air.

“Um, did I say something wrong?” Chaya clutched the door frame tightly, her voice apprehensive.

“No, no. Run along now,” Suri replied through gritted teeth and waved her off.

“‘Kay!” Chaya spun on her heel and skipped down the hallway.

This was unforgiveable. How in the world could that witch turn Suri down in favor of her own little sister? Where was the sensitivity, the decency? Especially considering the fact that she practically hung up on Suri and dialed Chaya’s number seconds later! Did that conceited old lady not realize what kind of abuse she was piling on top of the heartache she already caused? Suri wrung a pillow between her hands, so furious that she almost felt the steam jetting out her ears.

A soft knock announced a more welcome visitor. Looking up, Suri saw her mother hovering in the hall, barely allowing her face to appear in the space left by the door Chaya had left ajar.

“Hi, Ema.”

“How are you, Suri?” She smiled slightly, raising her eyebrows as a request to enter. Suri nodded her head, and her mother gently closed the door behind her. “I’m sorry about Chaya’s impoliteness. You know she’s very young and still doesn’t quite understand how to handle delicate emotional situations.”

“Then why is she dating, Ema? Don’t you think going out to get married requires more than a little maturity?” Suri emphasized her point by holding up a hand and pretending to grasp a small object between her index finger and thumb.

“Well, we couldn’t really wait any longer, sweetheart. It was time for her to start.”

“Uh huh, right. That’s what doesn’t make any sense to me, why would Mrs. Frumkelshtein say I’m too old to cut it, then turn right around and call Chaya?”

Ema sat down on the edge of the bed, “That’s just the way boys are and always have been. They want the youngest, most attractive girls out there.”

“Ema, Chaya is a child!” Suri pouted. “She hasn’t even gone off to a seminary in Israel yet!”

“But that’s the new thing these days, you know,” Ema said. “Girls get married and kill two birds with one stone by having a double ‘shana aleph.’” She rested her jaw on an outstretched hand. “I think it’s kind of cute, actually.”

“Okay, that might make some sense.” To someone who’s utterly whacked out, Suri added silently. “But Chaya isn’t even close to that. She still plays Pokémon on her Gameboy and collects Beanie Babies!”

“Look, everyone is allowed to have a hobby or two. For example, you make sculptures and play the viola.”

“You’re mixing apples and oranges, Ema. My hobbies are entirely grown up and age-appropriate. They represent my artistic expression and serve as a means of personal and spiritual inspiration. Y’know, just the sort of thing a person of marriageable age should bring to the table,” Suri puffed out her chest a little, willing to let her ego have its way for a moment.

“But guys are also looking for the youthful, vivacious type – someone who can get out there and be competitive at the arcade or relate to a sports memorabilia obsession –which Chaya definitely personifies.”

Suri sighed. “Ema, you’re missing the point. There is no reason why a well put together, attractive young woman such as myself can’t get a decent suggestion, let alone one that would go out with me. I’m not a person that believes in the whole “size matters” shtick, but I honestly am slim and fit. What does Chaya have that I don’t!?”

“Well, honey, Chaya is four years younger than you, after all.”

“Ema! She’s fifteen!” Suri all-but-shouted.

“That’s right,” Ema nodded in agreement. “And she’s going to get her learner’s permit next month. She is a big girl now.”

“Ema, really?” Suri threw an incredulous look at her mother. “Come on-”

“My baby’s all grown up now,” Suri’s mother clasped her hands together next to her cheek. “Soon she’ll be a married woman and mother,” she sniffed back a tear.

“Yeah, yeah,” Suri sighed.

Ema suddenly bolted upright. “Wait-a-minute! If Chaya is going to be a mother, then that makes me a grandmother.” She looked like a deer caught in a truck’s headlights. “But I’m too young to be a grandmother! We’re still part of the younger couple’s minyan at shul!” She began to hyperventilate.

“Ema, really, I don’t think you have anything to worry about just yet,” Suri offered in a conciliatory tone.

Gripped by terror, Ema ignored Suri completely. “What are the kids going to call me? Grandma? Bubbe? Savta? Savti?” She paused just long enough to suck in a few gulps of air. “I-I never gave this any significant thought…!” She shook her head in an attempt to ward off her nerves. “Abba and I must discuss this right away!”

“What about me!?” Suri called after her, as Ema sprang from the bed and flew down the hall. The rapid pounding of her feet on the carpet faded into silence, and Suri was left alone yet again. “What about me?” She repeated mournfully to no one in particular.

“What about you, sweetums?” A manly voiced intoned from the doorway.

Suri’s head jerked up in surprise. “Oh! Abba, you can come in. I’m just sitting here all by my lonesome, stewing in my personal misery.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Abba sauntered in and gingerly closed the door. “What’s bothering you, Suri?”

“That insufferable shadchan called Chaya and gave her the boy that I was going to go out with. Can you believe it!?”

“My, she really is a nasty piece of work, that Mrs. Frumkelshtein,” Abba crossed his arms over his chest and leaned on the wall nearest the bed. “She hasn’t changed in decades, let me tell you.”

Suri lifted an eyebrow cautiously, “What, you mean to tell me she used to redt shidduchim for you and your friends?”

“Yup. The woman is ancient. I heard she once tried to redt a shidduch to Lincoln,” he chuckled.

Suri laughed along. “Abba, Abraham Lincoln wasn’t Jewish!”

“Oh I know, darling. It was the first name that got her. That woman is utterly ridiculous and always has been.”

“I’m glad to know I have someone on my side about this,” Suri smiled. “By the way, Ema was looking for you a moment ago.”

“Oh, I heard her dashing around in one of her freaked out moods again, so I hid in the linen closet until she went down the stairs. I can detect those coming a mile away by now,” he tapped his temple, reveling in his daughter’s giggles. “You’ll learn all about little incongruities like that when you’ve been married for twenty years.”

Suri’s mood took a downturn, “If I ever get married.”

“Aw, come on. Don’t worry about that just yet. You’ve got plenty of time before you get to join that old spinsters’ Mah Jong club at the shul.”

“They really have those things?”

“I just read about it in the weekly Jewish newspaper. However, I did notice they keep dropping the minimum age for admission.”

Suri hesitated for a moment before asking, “What is at now?”

“In the past month they’ve lowered it to twenty five,” he replied in a matter-of-fact voice.

Suri’s eyes widened in disbelief, “That means I have only six more years until I’m a spinster! This is a nightmare! I’ll never get married!” Suri wiped the first few tears streaming down her face with her palm. “At this rate, I may as well ask them if I can just join now and get it over with!” She began sobbing.

Sensing his gaff, Abba quickly plunked down next to his overwrought daughter and put an arm around her shoulder. Suri buried her face in his sweater and began soaking it tears. Swallowing hard, Abba wracked his brain for a moment.

“Ah, that’s what it was,” he jabbed a finger in the air emphatically.

“‘That’s what’ what was?” Suri asked, her voice muffled by argyle.

“I remembered the reason I came here to talk to you in the first place. There is a boy that wants to go out with you.”

Suri froze mid-sniffle. “Hold the phone, there’s a boy asking to go out with me?!”

“Yup,” Abba noticed the twinkle of hope in his eldest daughter’s eyes and smiled warmly. Suri pulled back from her father’s embrace and sat up straight, briefly rubbing her sleeve across her nose.

After composing herself, Suri asked, “So nu? Tell me some details!”

Her father raised a fist and coughed into it awkwardly. “Okay, but let me finish before you say anything.”

“Well, that sounds great already,” Suri interjected.

Abba held up both opened hands in front of defensively, “Please, just hear me out, and then comment.”

“Sure. Please go ahead.”

“Thank you.” He cleared his throat. “Mrs. Gold called this morning saying that her son really wanted to go out with you. She thinks it’s a good idea and wants to try and arrange the shidduch.”

Confused, Suri gave a thumbs up and flipped it over a few times to see if she could talk yet, and Abba nodded his permission. “You mean Dov, my friend Shira’s really handsome older brother?” She inquired expectantly.

“Not quite, he got engaged a week ago. It’s Izzy.”

Suri pursed her lips tightly, trying to find her train of thought. “Izzy. As in Shira’s little brother?”

Abba sensed her apprehension “…that’d be the one.” He too obviously began to glance around the room and started to whistle.

“Izzy, the one who’s only sixteen? Who’s only a grade above Chaya and always wears that kippa with the puffy paint Mets logo on it?”

“That would be him.”

“The same Izzy who just won the state science fair for his project on the ecology of compost heaps?”

“Now, that was really impressive, you’ve got to admit.”

“Little Izzy Gold, who scraped his knee on our driveway when he was learning to ride his bicycle?”

“Now sweetie, that wasn’t his fault. You know those bushes on our semi-circle driveway can be a bit misleading on that initial curve-”

“I’m having a bit of a hard time grasping this, if you can’t tell,” Suri declared. She closed her eyes, and after a calming breath looked at her father. “Did he have the usual list of obnoxiously invasive questions that I have to answer every single time, revealing each and every last secret about me?”

“Actually, that was the refreshing part, he only asked one.”

“Really, what was it?”

The door abruptly swung open with such force that it bounced off the wall, leaving a small dent. “Where’s your father!?” Ema demanded hysterically.

“Ah! Ema, he was just-” Suri felt a tug on her ankle and allowed her gaze to dip downward. Abba huddled beneath her bed, holding a finger to his lips. “Going to go grocery shopping, that’s right,” she concluded. She firmed her voice and added, “He said he’d be back in about an hour.”

“Well, at least he’s out doing something useful. The minute he gets back we have to have a serious talk about where we want Chaya’s children to go to high school.”

“Sure thing, Ema. I’m sure he’ll be looking forward to it,” Suri flashed a very unconvincing grin. Ema whirled around while shutting the door in the same coordinated motion. Abba crept out from under the bed, stood up, and stretched his back.

“That was a close one. Good cover, by the way,” he bent over and touched his toes a few times.

“Thanks. I don’t envy you that upcoming conversation, though.”

“Yeah, it’s okay. I’ll worry about it in an hour,” he glanced at his watch.

“Back on topic… so what’s the question that Izzy asked about me?”

Abba reached up and loosened his collar a bit. “Well…”

“Did he want to know if I wore sneakers when I work out?”

“Nope.”

“If Ema uses a plastic table cover on Shabbos?”

“Negative.”

Suri tried again, “What my dress size was?”

“Sort of…” Abba trailed off.

“What do you mean ‘sort of?’”

Clearly embarrassed, Abba dithered, linked his fingers together and stared at the ceiling. “Hmmm, it seems I need to change one of the light bulbs in your chandelier, I better get on that right away.”

“Abba. Please stop stalling. What did he ask?”

“He wanted to know your, um, cup size,” Abba recoiled as though preparing to be struck.

“WHAT?!” Suri thundered.

Abba started speaking a mile a minute. “That was the only question. He basically knows everything about you and us from your friendship with Shira and the dozens of shabbos meals we’ve spent at each other’s homes. He’s seen you in a natural setting, with friends and family, even when things went wrong like that time you spilled the whole chulent dish on your lap and that other time when it rained and your hair looked like a drowned terrier. That was the one thing he simply didn’t have a clue about, and I figured; ‘What’s the harm in asking?’ Especially since it’s such a simple, mostly innocuous inquiry in the first place, right? And-”

“I can’t believe that little twerp had the guts to ask that! His mind is so completely submerged in the gutter, just like every other hormone-driven, full-of-himself, egotistical, skirt-chasing guy out there! Why in the world would I even consider going out with someone as depraved as that!?”

“Honestly, Suri, I think you’re missing something here.”

“And just what is that Abba?”

“The boy is only sixteen. What else does he think about?”

Suri stopped mid-rant. “You actually have a point.”

“And besides that one semi-objectionable question – which I might add parenthetically, is a question that every guy has on his mind in the first place, even if he doesn’t actually ask it – you both have a lot in common,” Abba began counting on his fingers. “He plays the cello, makes Jewish-themed mosaics, is a serious straight A student, and wants to go into bio-research.” Abba put the last finger back down, “Well, I don’t know if you can include that one just yet, since he doesn’t have his high school diploma.”

Suri felt her indignation give way to an unusual burst of whimsy welling up within her. “What the heck, why not?”

“Really?” Abba flinched, clearly expecting a flat-out rejection. “I can call Mrs. Gold back and let her know it’s on?” He asked excitedly.

“Sure. Who knows, maybe he’ll turn out to be that magical, special someone,” Suri remarked half-sarcastically.

“I’ll get on it right away!” Abba jumped up and closed the door on his way out.

“This is going to be an interesting experience,” Suri thought aloud.

A moment later, Abba poked his head back in. “You know, my Aunt Gertrude is three years older than Uncle Shloime, and just look how happy they are!”

“Abba, I said ‘yes’ already!” Suri replied in exasperation.

“Okey-dokie, smokey-rokie!” Abba quipped as he disappeared from view.

Suri allowed herself a little smile at the humor of the entire situation, wondering if she had any idea what she had just agreed to. But then again, who knows what might happen, good or bad? It was worth a shot.

Intelligence In A Shidduch Prospect

I know this issue has been discussed to death, and I would hate to be yet another blogger to plant a proverbial boot into the flank of an already abused, rotting equine carcass, but I think my perspective is a little different than most posts readers may have seen thus far. First, basically every blogger that has written about this subject has been female (that I have seen, and I could very easily be wrong, considering how many untold numbers of Jewish bloggers discussing shidduchim are out there). Second, my views on the subject of a date's intelligence are probably not typical at any rate, as are most things I think or write about. Therefore, I hope I can present a fairly unique perspective, rather than repeat points previously expressed, by people who, at any rate, probably write better than I do.

There are many things that people often prioritize when thinking about considering a potential marriage partner (see Bad for Shidduchim and A Mother in Israel). I emphatically agree with many commenters on both sites that list kindness as a top priority. I think that possessing a firm essence of kindness is especially significant since kindness is a very important "foundational trait" of sorts that many other positive attributes, such as being giving, expressing patience, and having the will to work out problems, can, and do stem from. I'll safely place kindness as the number one choice of what one should look for (both men and women).

But what about intelligence?

Everyone, to one degree or another, has some functional level of intelligence. However, is it wrong to desire a spouse (or in my case a wife) who enjoys actively participating in deeper discussions of Judaism-related topics (hashkafa, halacha, learning, etc) and/or secular matters (science, literature, etc)?

Just to clarify, even though I would personally very much like to have a wife who can hold her own in talking about some area of Judaic studies, I am not looking for a "chevrusa," as one of my rabbeim in Israel so eloquently put it. It is true that husband and wife often find some matter to study together, such as a beautiful example of a friend's parents who regularly studied the Chofetz Chaim's works on Lashon Hara together, even though the daily grind of kids running around the house can detract from such regular paired study. Even someone who has some level of exposure to Gemara study (whether minimal, or significant) doesn't worry me, but I don't anticipate spending the evenings of Shana Rishona immersed in a night-seder chevrusa in my apartment instead of in the beis medrish.

I am not frightened of the idea of even having a wife who could very well be smarter or more intelligent than I am (as in I would never be scared off like the guy from Bad for Shidduchim's story). If anything, I find a woman displaying higher levels of intelligence, or who is accomplished in her studies to be a potential source of inspiration. Rather than creating a childish competition of "who's smarter," I feel as though I would admire such a person. Instead of letting myself be complacent, and potentially backsliding over the course of my life (as in, if you don't use it, you DO lose it), I would do my very best to continue developing in Torah study and elsewhere. I also think I would shep nachas from a wife who could deliver interesting and engaging shiurim.

Upon bringing this idea up with my parents, Mom quickly replied that this shouldn't be a significant factor in evaluating a date. She basically said that the general craziness of married life and the particular unending job of raising children would preclude any possibility of ever having serious, intellectually stimulating conversation with my wife. While she would know far better than I about what it's like to deal with kids running around the house, I must respectfully disagree on her second point - I don't think one can make such a broad statement about looking for intelligence in a spouse.

Having seen examples of relatives and friends' parents who have started settling into their older years sprawled out on a couch, passively watching TV, is it wrong to want someone who would rather read a book? Reading and discussing books is a pastime long forgotten in many places in the world we live in today, and can provide very meaningful interaction and exchange of ideas. It may just be me, but I find the image of my wife and I sitting side by side reading together to be inherently more romantic than perched on a sofa, my arm around her shoulders, viewing the latest hit TV show or blockbuster movie.

I'm not trying to make an anti TV rant here. While there is indeed a glut of mind-wasting sludge out there (*cough* reality TV *cough*), there is programming worth watching as well (anyone seen episodes from the Discovery Channel's "Planet Earth" series? It's absolutely fascinating and features gorgeous footage of the incredible world we live in). My point is that preferring leisure activities/forms of entertainment that are intellectually stimulating should be a person's priority (which doesn't remove the license for a little fun on the more mindless side of things every now and then).

Intelligence is certainly attractive, and I think it is something that can make someone even more attractive than their physical features alone. Unlike what I presume most guys would choose - I would much rather have a wife who does not possess super modelesque looks and proportions (but whom I find physically attractive) and can give me a run for my money in the intellectual arena, than a woman who could easily be featured on the cover of a fashion magazine and not know who Shakespeare was.

I just feel as though there is a whole additional level of connection in the cerebral realm between husband and wife. Certainly, the physical attraction component must exist, as well as the emotional connection - the will to place the other person ahead of your own needs (IE kindness, giving, loving him/her more than yourself etc), and a level of spiritual compatibility (similar religious levels, values, hashkafic viewpoints). But the ability to engage in intellectual discourse - a sort of melding of minds - even if the particular educational perspectives are different (as they inherently will be, to some degree) seems like something worth desiring in a mate.

I agree that you can't presume your spouse will be able to fulfill every single intellectual need you have, that's what friends and rabbeim/teachers/chevrusas are for. I just don't believe that this is an area that is so easily compromised as say, an interest in a particular area of popular culture. I can live with the fact that my wife doesn't like _____ as much as I do (or at all, for that matter) - I can discuss it with my guy friends when I get the chance. But to entirely lack that deeper, brainier sort of relationship with the one woman who I'm going to share the rest of my life with, partner with to raise a family, and hopefully create a positive communal impact beyond the walls of our home, is a big issue in my mind.

Also, just to make something clear - I am not the most brilliant genius that has ever graced the YU campus (my GPA is NOT 4.0). I have plenty of friends who I will willingly recognize as making better grades and quite likely possess an IQ higher than mine. This post isn't about me being intellectually arrogant and putting down others who are not as smart as I might be. There are definitely guys and girls out there who could really care less how smart their husbands/wives are, as long as they are fun, easy to get along with, and will be a great person to help run a family. I certainly respect those who need that kind of spouse, and who they themselves are not the more intellectual type. As a commenter or two said in the above linked posts (check second paragraph), intelligence is a G-d given ability, so far be it from me to be a snob about a person's natural abilities, whatever level they are on. I merely feel that this is a level of connection that seems very essential to a successful, long-lasting relationship with my future wife. I could survive without this component, but I don't think I would be as fulfilled without it.

Maybe this is why I tend to think girls who wear glasses are more attractive than those who don't?