Current Trends Predicted In The Gemara?

After reading numerous stories of rabbinical figures, judges, or otherwise people known as community leaders failing to be truthful, judge truthfully, or deliberately concealing the truth, such as this recent post by Rabbi Maryles on Emes Ve-Emunah, I was shocked to learn several sections of Gemara in today's Daf Yomi (Shabbos 139) that seem to talk about the results of these actions we Jews have brought upon ourselves. The translation has been modified slightly per that found in the Koren Talmud Bavli.

It was taught. R. Jose b. Elisha said: If you see a generation overwhelmed by many troubles, go forth and examine the judges of Israel, for all retribution that comes to the world comes only on account of the Judges of Israel, as it is said, "Please hear this, heads of the house of Jacob, and officers of the house of Israel, that abhor justice, and pervert all equity. They build up Zion with blood and Jerusalem with iniquity. The heads thereof judge for reward, and the priests thereof teach for hire, and the prophets thereof divine for money; yet will they lean upon the Lord, etc."

Shortly after that, the Gemara continues:

And the Holy One, blessed be He, will not cause His Divine presence to rest upon Israel until the wicked judges and officers cease out of Israel, for it is said, "And I will turn My hand upon you, and thoroughly purge away your dross, and will take away all your tin. And I will restore your judges as at the first, and your counselors as at the beginning, etc."

Lastly, interspersed with Rabbi Steinzaltz' commentary (p.319) in bold italics.

R. Melai said in the name of R. Eleazar son of R. Simeon: What is meant by the verse, "The Lord has broken the staff of the wicked, the rod of the rulers?"  'The Lord hath broken the staff of the wicked' refers to the judges who become a staff for their attendants;  

The attendants abuse people, and the judges provide the attendants with legal backing and moral support.

'the rod of the rulers' refers to the Torah scholars in the families of the judges. 

These Torah scholars assist their relatives, the judges, conceal their faults.

Mar Zutra said: This refers to the scholars who teach the laws of the public to ignorant judges.

They teach ignorant judges just enough Torah and modes of conduct to prevent the people from realizing how ignorant they are, enabling them to maintain their positions.

I think these sections speak all too clearly about the frightening, increasingly prevalent problem of individuals and groups who are meant to be, or insist they are, halachic authorities and then abuse the power they have gathered or proclaimed upon themselves. 

We have many troubles, one of the most significant is child abuse, which seems to be quite a plague in communities where this sort of irresponsible judgments and abuse of communal power take place on a regular basis.

We have seen judge's attendants - the so-called askanim of gedolim cause inordinate amounts of trouble for people such as Rabbi Natan Slifkin, Lipa Schmeltzer, and others undeservedly, creating a huge public ruckus that helps no one in the end.

And we wonder why the Beis Hamikdash hasn't been rebuilt - the Gemara plainly says that HaShem won't rest His divine presence on us until these wicked judges and officers cease to exist among us.

I wonder if the thousands of others out there learning Daf Yomi took a moment to consider these passages with any serious thought and self introspection?

Post Wedding Report Part 7: The End - Or - The Beginning

Welcome to the 7th and final part of my Post Wedding Report. This has been a project that was in the works for a long time, but I'm glad to have finally completed it. Enjoy!

Before you read this post, don't forget to check out parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6!

Dancing was intense and very fun. I say intense for two reasons – my friends were really, really into it, and because I had eaten a little too much in the yichud room, so I was very focused on not having my delicious break-the-fast meal revisit me on the dance floor. I had listened to the advice of an older married friend who suggested we request the caterer to serve real food in the yichud room and not just cake and soda. This was great advice, but I will add to it that despite how hungry you, as the chosson or kallah might be (and generally the chosson is the more likely of the two to actually eat anything significant) don’t push yourself. Aside from the usual stomach shrinkage due to fasting, you’ve also been on pins and needles all day with excitement, anticipation, and a healthy dose of nervousness, so your stomach really can’t handle so much, and it certainly can’t handle a lot of spinning around in circles afterward. Thus, during the first set, I had to ask those dancing with me to slow down or not spin as much to prevent any messy scenarios.

The band was fantastic, and really did a great job getting everyone present into a simcha-mindset with their energetic performance.

During our engagement, I did my very best to keep to my rebbe’s advice that he imparted to ASoG and I when we first met with him after we got engaged, which was to “be cool” throughout the engagement process and let our parents do as much of the planning as possible. However, the band wasn’t something that I could just leave to my parents or future in-laws to take care of. In fact, this was pretty much the only thing I had any desire to be involved with vis-à-vis planning the wedding, and I had to make sure that the band we had was a good one.

I’m a big fan of Jewish music (as evidenced by a number of posts on this blog), and I had debated with myself for a while what style of band I wanted at our wedding: either the very standard orchestra type, with the blaring brass instruments and loud, pounding sound, or the more laid-back 4-5 member band set up with the focus on acoustic/electric guitars. Think Neshama Orchestra versus The Moshav Band. My dilemma was to go with the stereotypical wedding band sound, which, despite its tendency to burst eardrums, honestly infuses a lot of energy into the dancing, or the more b’nachas approach, which although lacking the oomph of the big-band approach, is far more leibedig. In the end, I decided to go with the non-orchestral approach, and I don’t regret it for a moment.

The dancing was a big deal for me, since it was the part of our wedding where all the different people in attendance, who represented all the different time periods of my life joined with each other in one big mixture to celebrate together. I had friends there from pre-school/middle school, high school/NCSY, my yeshiva in Israel, and Yeshiva University – aside from all the relatives and friends who came in from my hometown. It was truly wonderful to see all the diverse elements of my life come together in such a beautiful mosaic of simcha.

The shtick was amazing, and turned out to be almost as good as, if not as good as it would have been had I planned it all myself. I had dropped a few hints here and there regarding some things that I wanted to see, such as my request for one pair of friends who randomly did the Macarena in a hilarious fashion at another mutual friend’s wedding to do a repeat performance at mine. However, some guys totally surprised me, knowing exactly what in-jokes to play off of even without my suggestions. Even the bits of shtick that I did request were done better than I had imagined. There was also a lot of shtick that I had no clue was coming, but was executed very well and drew many laughs and smiles from ASoG and I.

As a result of all of this wedding related merriment, I’ve heard dozens and dozens of comments from those that were there that our wedding was one of the best they’ve ever been to. We didn’t go overboard with excessive frills that are often found at weddings nowadays, but we managed to have an amazing simcha – largely in part to all of my friends who came. Even the disparate groups, such as my hometown friends and my YU friends, all worked together very cohesively, instead of the “take turns” method I’ve seen at other weddings where the different groups share the chosson back and forth because they don’t want to have anything to do with each other. I really can’t take any credit for how wonderful everything was, because the guys really outdid themselves with the dancing, shtick, and celebrating – it seemed like everyone had their simcha-meter dial cranked up past the maximum limit. My family also really got into the shtick performances when they brought ASoG over to sit with me. Even my less-religious relatives got in on the game and seemingly had a great time.

The girls’ side, from what I heard/saw (and witnessed in the video) wasn’t quite the same as ours. ASoG tells me she enjoyed everything – with the exception of the silly umbrella breaking confetti-filled balloons thing – which I still don’t understand whatsoever.

At the end of the first set, everyone danced us over to the head table in the typical fashion (after refusing to stop dancing, as is usually seen). The photographer scuttled over and wanted to take the prerequisite hand washing pictures, even though we had already washed and begun to eat in the yichud room. We obliged, taking turns pouring water over each other’s hands and me posing with the big challah and knife – though I don’t think anyone ever ate any of it.

Of course, as I had been forewarned, we didn’t really have a chance to eat much during the break. My mother had told me before the wedding that we should go around to eat table to greet all our guests, but I insisted that we weren’t going to do that for two reasons 1) We were going to be exhausted from the fasting and dancing (which we were) and 2) If we’re the king and queen for the day and it’s everyone’s job to entertain us, then they should come to us and not vice versa – which is basically what happened. There were guests who wanted to say hello and mazal tov, others who were leaving early wanted to say goodbye and mazal tov, and others just came by to visit. Before we knew it, we were back on the dance floor for round two.

One thing I particularly enjoyed during the dancing (all three sets) was the individual partner dancing with my friends, relatives, and rabbeim. As each one emerged from the throngs to grab my hands and begin his own personal dance – and there were many different sorts – the crowd let out a cheer and turned the dancing and singing up a notch. It was so meaningful to go one-by-one and dance with each of my friends, and even more so with all of my rabbeim who were present, which ran the spectrum of my Jewish educational career, starting from my local day school when I wasn’t really religious all the way to my rebbe at YU.

After the second set they brought out the dessert buffet, and ASoG and I made a point to cut our cake, which had been largely ignored the entire evening. Of course, I’m sure everyone was waiting for us to cut it, and take our cutesy feeding each other pieces of cake pictures, but even after that very few were willing to try some. I cut up a bunch of pieces and started calling out to people to please take. There was a large group of women huddled nearby chatting, so I got their attention and told them that they need to take a piece, since the wedding was already over and there was no need to worry about fitting in their dresses anymore. I only got a few more takers from that offer…

By the time the last set started most of the attendees had left for the evening – it was getting later after all. Nevertheless, a core group of my friends refused to let the liveliness of the celebration die down, and they yanked me back onto the dance floor once again. I remember someone once explained to me how the last dance set is really the most important, because the majority of guests have already gone, and you need to make sure the chosson and kallah aren’t left twiddling their thumbs the remainder of the time the band has on their contract. These fellows were definitely some of my closest friends, and they didn’t disappoint whatsoever. As per ASoG’s family tradition, we did jump rope with a big sparkly streamer-thing, and it turns out I was pretty good (I could leap rather high). We started off a bit rough since one of the rope-swingers was a little on the short side, which made for uneven rotations, but once we got two taller guys to take the job, we were in business.

My friends kept things going strong up until the last minute, when someone came in and said that our limousine was due to arrive shortly, and we needed to wrap things up. We semi-abruptly ran over to our table to begin sheva brachos. At this point, I had forgotten my list of kibbudim somewhere in the hall, and with my second copy, which my uncle had had at the chupa also missing in action, my shomer saved the day with my third back-up copy, which I had given him for just such a scenario. It turned out a number of the guests we had wanted to say a sheva bracha at the bentsching had already left, so we improvised for a few selections.

We finished the last sheva bracha after which ASoG and I sipped the awful tasting hall-provided wine again and passed around the leftovers for all the eager singles to get their segulah wine. Our remaining friends quickly lined up for parting words and to receive brachos from us. We had to do this in a bit of a hurry because the limousine driver had already arrive and was beginning to threaten that he’d leave without us if we didn’t get downstairs soon enough.

In my previous wedding attendance experience, I’ve seen the chosson either give generic brachos to the guys that they learn a lot and find their kallah, or actually make an effort to be more personal and formulate a bracha that is direct and more meaningful. I did my best to opt for the latter, which always made a lot more sense and made me feel far more appreciative when I was the on the receiving end of those brachos.

We managed to collect almost all of the wedding shtick we had, though a few semi-important/expensive things ended up missing and were never found. ASoG and I ran to the yichud room to gather our belongings and grab our prepared food to take with us. I handed off my kitel and a few other things to my mother to take back home, and we dashed down the stairs to catch our ride.

The photographer was long gone at this point, so we don’t have any official pictures of us leaving/getting in the limo. The driver was particularly determined to leave at the appointed time, so we ended up running out without even saying goodbye to our fathers, who were left behind to deal with paying the hall manager and the band leader. A small group escorted us with our things into the limo, we said our goodbyes and headed off to our hotel.

The limousine ride had a sort of magical quality to it, since this was the first time we truly were totally alone as husband and wife. All the ceremonies and celebrations were over, and we finally had a chance to relax and take a deep breath as Mr. and Mrs. Shades of Grey, without worrying about that bothersome knock on the door to the yichud room. We made it! We survived the engagement and the wedding, and although a lot more lay ahead for us, we were ecstatic over the new life we were beginning.

I won’t divulge anything further about that evening, for obvious reasons, other than that it turned out the hotel we stayed at was hosting several weddings that night. As we pulled up to the front driveway, dozens of drunken men and women were milling about, clearly continuing to party long after the wedding they attended had ended. A number of them saw the white limo, ran over and thumped the car with their fits, cheering us on – I think they may have mistaken us for their own recently wedded friends. At any rate, we successfully managed to avoid the unwelcome visitors and enter the hotel, quite exhausted, but filled with joy at the life we were beginning together.

So ends my series of Post Wedding Reports detailing all the ins-and-outs of our special day. I’m glad I was able to complete them, despite many delays, and hope I can look back on this record, along with our video, to help me recall the funny, bizarre, meaningful, and happy goings-on that we experienced.

Was everything absolutely perfect, just the way I envisioned it? Nope – see my post about the pictures as one example. However, the amount of things that went right far outweighed the issues and incongruities that popped up. Life isn’t perfect, and weddings certainly aren’t perfect. The main thing is to focus on the most important aspect of the wedding; namely, the fact that you are marrying the one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. All the other mishugas simply falls away when viewed from that proper perspective.

The wedding is truly only a start to life together, but it encapsulates a level of simcha as of yet unparalleled in one’s life. However, as Rav Reichman told us at Chana and Heshy’s sheva brachos, this elevated intensity of simcha does not last, and does in fact fade away as normal life sets in following the week of sheva brachos. The key for any married couple is to understand that this is but a taste of the true simcha that can be attained in marriage – a realistic goal that can be attained through hard work, dedication, mutual giving, and lots of love.

Someone recently told us that he’s been married for 24 years and it only gets better and better. I hope that we can strive to embody Rav Reichman’s lesson, and use our wedding as a model for the happiness we want to achieve and maintain throughout our lives. May everyone who is married take this lesson to heart and focus their attention on working together to ascend spiritual heights together, and may everyone not yet married soon experience this great joy and begin their own journey to recapture and relive the elation of their wedding day.

Shtick It To 'Em

Now that we’ve passed Lag B’omer, wedding season has begun yet again. One of the most exciting parts of any wedding, aside from the expansive smorgasbords, blasting bands, and over-the-top ruach, is of course the shtick that friends and family perform for the entertainment of the chosson and kallah.

For me, shtick is a double-edged sword. It’s always fun to concoct some hilarious in-jokey thing to do, and even more fun to plan and bring the idea to life, especially if you’re with a group of friends. However, while such personally designed shtick may be more meaningful for your friend (the chosson or kallah, take your pick), everyone knows it’s always the crazy, flashy shtick that is sure to amaze.

So guys will go all out to discover some new, inventive, or simply jaw-dropping stunt/feat to perform. Whether this may include juggling flaming torches, fanciful dance moves such as the moonwalk or break dancing, or elaborate handstand undulations, guys tend push themselves to their limits to impress.

One major “problem” with all of this is the fact that shtick basically lasts all of 30 seconds if you’re lucky, and perhaps less than that if you’re not. The rush of adrenaline takes over as the orchestra swells into that infamous “it’s time to bring the kallah over for shtick” music, the crowd stops dancing and begins to circle around, while a pair of chairs (or more, depending if parents and/or grandparents want front row seats) are pulled up for the guests of honor.

It’s a lot of pressure to make sure elaborate shtick goes well. Aside from hoping not to disappoint the chosson and kallah, depending on just what you’ve planned, you have to make sure it goes according to plan and make sure that you nor anyone else (especially the chosson, kallah and/or grandparents) get injured in any fashion. This is why there are usually a pair of guys who run up and grab each other’s hands, extending their locked arms across the front of the chosson and kallah to make sure no stray objects, be they juggled items or swinging feet, cause any harm.

Being a bit straight-laced and a stickler for safety, I’m usually one of those protector guys, and run to become the human shield the moment I see any potentially dangerous shtick about to start.

On top of all that, there is a second major “problem,” and that “problem” is of the female persuasion.

Of course, as soon as the kallah is brought over to join her brand-new-out-of-breath husband, all activity on the other side of the mechitza stops instantly. Suddenly, the entire population that formerly occupied the other half of the dance floor is standing and cheering alongside all your previous dance partners. In a matter of moments all eyes are on you, and unexpectedly, your job is no longer just to be mesamayach chosson v’kallah anymore…

I’m sure girls get a huge kick out of watching guys make fools of themselves and/or show off their talents. I know this is true because I’ve heard girls in passing as they talked about a friend’s shtick routine as “having made their night,” which certainly caused me to raise an inquisitive eyebrow.

Everyone knows that girls and guys check each other out during weddings; during the shmorg, as everyone is sitting and waiting for the chuppah to start, during the chuppah, while the newlyweds are being danced back to the yichud room, while the guests chow down on the first course, during dancing, when desert is served, as well as during bentsching, sheva berachos, and let’s not forget the lines that form in anticipation of brachos from the chosson and kallah along with a sampling of segulah wine.

However, I feel obliged to make a small protest that it simply isn’t fair that we have to be put in the spotlight while the girls hang back and gawk. I’m not in any way protesting the standards of tzniyus and gedarim of halacha and suggesting that we get to watch the girls do whatever it is they do on their side of the mechitza. I’m merely bringing to light the double standard.

I’d be willing to bet there are guys that plan their shtick accordingly, bearing in mind that they know girls, or perhaps a certain girl they’ve had their eye on, will be watching them. Although, most typical guys are probably like me and are not such fans of the unexpected scrutiny.

Either way, I think that the whole thing negatively impacts on the kavana of what the guys are trying to do – or at least the ones who are serious about being mekayaim their mitzvah or bringing happiness to the bride and groom (that IS why we go to weddings, at any rate, not because of the food or to have a good time, there is a daf in Kiddushin that talks about this – someone please supply the reference if you know it). At least I know I’m much more self conscious when this sort of thing happens, not that I’ve ever had anyone ever request to go out with me (directly or indirectly) based on some fantastic shtick I did…

So, dear readers of both the female and male variety, what are your thoughts?

Is This Blog Tzniusdik? & Davening For Others In Shidduchim

Rabbi Gil Student on Hirhurim has a great post on the tzniusdik nature (or lack thereof) of blogging. Check it out here.

The post got me thinking, since Rabbi Student specifically mentions the thorny issue of blogging about dating, which is indeed a subject of discussion here. I certainly hope I'm not being too forward with information, even though I do my best to keep everything anonymous, (and no one really knows who I'm dating anyway). I definitely abide by Rav Goldvicht's opinion that any and all direct discussion of dating is basically a bad idea, and I would also feel horrible knowing I've ever hurt anyone's feelings in this area - especially former dates. I prefer to avoid the specific details of my dating life anyway, and like to focus on more general ideas related to the dating world. Let's hope I can maintain this proper boundary of modesty.

In other news, the first YU Connects shidduch was a bit of a bust, which is fine. It was a good first experience for using the system, at least. I think I will better know how to understand if there is real hashkafic compatibility when I am suggested matches in the future (that was the main issue this time). I sort of knew that going into the shidduch, and I honestly wasn't expecting a yes, having just received a large number of rejections from the suggested girl when I had accepted on my end. So her acceptance caught me by surprise, and I figured I didn't have anything to lose, which I didn't. In the end, I simply met another great person who isn't for me...

That leads me into the topic I really wanted to write about... Davening for others also dating/in shidduchim.

I personally have a fairly long list of both guys and girls I know, friends from way back when, and more recent acquaintances, that I mention in every Shemonah Esrei. That they should all have bracha and hatzlacha in their dating, and that they should find their zivug at the appropriate time - all according to G-d's will. I can't describe in words how wonderful it is when I hear that one of the names on my lists needs to be taken off because they got engaged. Especially when it happens that I remove two names because they got engaged to one another (which usually happens when I know that they've been dating).

The boundless level of simcha is such a stark contrast to the unfortunate reality of sometimes having to stop davening for a specific name on a refuah shelayma list because that individual succumbed to his/her illness. I also sometimes forget that someone got engaged (usually within a few days of hearing the news) and I have to catch myself when I get to their name. I usually pause, smile to myself, and then continue with the other, less fortunate people who still need siyata d'shmaya finding their intended spouse.

I daven for myself too, of course, always at the end of everyone else. It's an idea mentioned in the gemara in Brachos (I can't remember the exact daf at the moment, it's late and my Brachos isn't in my room at YU...) that when you and a friend need the same thing, you should daven for them first, then yourself, and through some spiritual mechanism of sorts, you will get answered first. I'm not going to doubt the veracity of this gemara, but I have seen several friends on my list answered before me. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, I am always overjoyed at hearing the good news of friends finally finding the right one. Maybe I'm just not understanding the exact perameters of the "how-to" instructions provided there.

Anyway, the more specific issue I wanted to bring up was davening for those you've gone out with in the past and with whom the relationship didn't work out. Sure, there are lots of people who daven for shidduchim everyday, and have many of their friends in mind (as previously mentioned) - but do people daven for ex-dates?

I do, and I think it's an important thing that everyone should make room for in their otherwise me-oriented tefillah. It doesn't matter whether I ended the relationship, she did (and whether I was upset by that fact or not), or if it was a mutual decision. I think that everyone has a right to find true happiness with the proper person at the appropriate time. It may even be a bit of an ego-killer to employ this element in one's own davening, but I think that we could also use a bit of ego-deflation every now and then.

As I have mentioned in the past, every person that you go out with is a link in a greater chain of events that will eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) lead you to the one. There is always something to be gained from each dating experience, so why not show some gratitude to that person, and the Ribono Shel Olam, by requesting they find success in their search? True, it can be painful to remember the names of certain previous dates, for one reason or another. However, I think the greater impact of putting real heart-felt kavana and good will that stems from the soul provides a measure of healing and self-improvement that everyone can benefit from.

Having said that, I haven't yet removed any of those names from my list, unfortunately. While it pains me to know that my friends are still having difficulty finding their spouses, it bothers me in a different, and sometimes more troublesome fashion, when I know that some really great girls out there are still single (if I may be haughty enough to presume that everyone I went out with is really great in her own way). I don't feel guilty for not being the answer to their prayers, because I know deep down that things wouldn't have worked out for whatever reason. But they do deserve menuchas hanefesh from their efforts to find a husband. I honestly do an occasional check on OnlySimchas (usually when I'm there when I do a confirmation about news I've heard regarding a friend - I'm not an OnlySimchas addict/stalker, mind you) to see if any of them have finally found the right one.

I wonder if any of them daven for me... hmmm.

This brings to mind the idea of helping set up ex-dates with other people you know, which is a pretty big chesed, in my view. I would very much like to be of service in that area, but I'm just not good at thinking of couplings, I guess. I wish I could help others out in this area...

So sadly, my list of ex-dates to daven for grows longer still, and my own journey continues onward. I hope that I can start removing those names one by one (along with the others on my lists, as the case may be), in the near future - ken yehi ratzon.