Yom Yerushalayim 5772

Yom Yerushalayim Sameach!

I spent most of last night after Shabbos and this morning putting together a slideshow/video presentation for our local JCC, featuring pictures taken by local residents during their trips to visit Yerushalayim and the Kotel.

While going through my old collection of pictures from my time in yeshiva, I couldn't help but feel an immense pride and gratitude swelling up within me - as well as a strong desire to go back as soon as I can (grad school permitting).

Our shul doesn't really commemorate the holiday, but I'm wearing a white shirt today and stepped out into the hall during tachanun to say Hallel to myself. Even if I couldn't enjoy the beautiful singing I have experienced at YU and in Israel, I had to do something to commemorate the occasion for myself in a meaningful, spiritual fashion.

ASoG and I also read Rabbi Norman Lamm's drashos found in the back of his newest book "Majesty and Mystery" - dedicated primarily to Megillas Esther, but also containing several speeches he gave related to other holidays of praise and thanksgiving to HaShem. The selection printed about Yom Yerushalayim were written in 1967 as the events actually transpired - and the reader can follow Rabbi Lamm's personal and congregational spiritual journey form one Shabbos to the next as the war begins and then ends. It's a fascinating read, and I highly recommend anyone to go out and buy the sefer to read these - and then use it next Purim, too!

Anyway, I wanted to share with you guys an incredible video I found on Youtube, filmed during the actual re-taking of Har Habayis in 1967. I'm awestruck watching it...

Please check out my posts from previous years, including an incredible story told by President Richard Joel and a sicha by Rav Meir Goldvicht.

Chag Sameach!

PS - for anyone who is friends with Shlomo Katz on Facebook, he has uploaded an incredible recording of him leading Hallel this morning at Rav Kook's house.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow?

Within the last week, my parents' close friend and co-worker was diagnosed with an inoperable form of pancreatic cancer that may have already metastasized. He was feeling fine last month, with the exclusion of some back pain that he described as nothing worse than usual. Then he began having leg pains, which turned out to be blood clots - one symptom of pancreatic cancer. After the prerequisite tests, scans, and a biopsy, his diagnosis was confirmed.

The doctor, with a grim look on his face, turned to my parents' friend and told him that they will go ahead with chemotherapy, but he should get his affairs in order.

His son was due to be married in November, but odds are he won't survive until then, and thus plans are probably in the works to move the date up to ensure that he will be strong enough to attend (or be alive to attend at all).

This man is only a year older than my mother, and this is the first person among their circle of friends to who will succumb to an age-related illness (this excludes another friend who died of a sudden heart attack 10 years ago). Both my mother and father are quite dismayed with the depressing news. Measures need to be taken to train another employee to replace this fellow, but nothing concrete has been organized, but that's the least of their concerns at the present time.

Scary, isn't it?

Thank G-d, both my parents are relatively healthy. But this current crisis makes me wonder what it will be like (after 120 years G-d willing) when they are no longer around. It also sends my mind off worrying about what might happen to anyone I know - myself included.

Pirkei Avos 2:15 quotes Rabbi Eliezer as saying that everyone should do teshuva (repent) one day before they die. Avos d'Rebbe Nosson expands on this, and Rabbi Eliezer is asked how can one know what day he'll die, to which he replies that we should do teshuva every day, since it may, indeed be our last.

Morbid stuff, right?

But how much do any of us really think about this? Particularly us younger folk, with our misperceptions regarding our own mortality; nothing can stop us, whenever we get sick we'll get better, I'll stay young and never grow old and worn out, etc. etc.

Certainly it does not do any of us good to constantly have this on our minds, which would probably lead many to thoughts of depression. However, reflecting on these facts of how life works and how fragile, precious, beautiful, and how ill-appreciated each of our days are, can keep a person properly humble and thankful for every waking moment. We can use these thoughts to make what we do in life matter, to better help others - and ourselves - and leave a lasting, positive impact on the world around us.

As Tehillim 103:15-16 says, man is like a blade of grass - one moment we're here and flourishing, flowering - and the next a strong wind can come and pluck us up and away, as though we were never there.

It would behoove us all to take some time to think about these things, to better reorient ourselves in whatever way(s) necessary, to improve our conduct, both between us and HaShem and between us and our fellow man.

Please daven for the refuah shelayma of Shmuel ben Rochel. 

Thank you.

Commemorating Your "Own" Yartzeit

The experience of looking up on a memorial plaque during davening and noticing your own name, exactly matched in both Hebrew and English, with a little light bulb lit up next to it, along with and engraved date of death can be a little unsettling.

I knew my namesake's yartzeit was coming up soon, but the exact date slipped my mind amid all the busy running around from Yom Tov and delving back into work at grad school. I was genuinely surprised when I noticed the small light bulb glowing this morning after I finished Shemonah Esrei.

It's hard to describe the exact feeling that coursed through me, but chilling may have to do. Though I've heard many stories and learned various bits of information about the concept of gilgulim, or 'reincarnated' souls (for lack of a better term), I'm not 100% sure what I understand or believe. The notion of naming a child for a deceased relative, as is the Ashkenazi practice, seems to incorporate some aspect of gilgul, in addition to the more mundane belief of serving as a merit for the family member who has passed on and a living reminder of their legacy.

My great uncle - my paternal grandfather's older brother - though not a particularly religiously observant man, was a pediatrician, fought in World War II, and was one of the first white doctors in my hometown to treat minorities, often at reduced cost or for free. He was well known in the general community, in addition to the Jewish community, and I have often been "recognized" waiting in line at the pharmacy by an elderly person looked at me with a confused expression and informed me happily that my namesake was their pediatrician back in the day.

I was once at a local hospital signing in for a blood test when the nurse filling in my data suddenly stopped. She reread the information on the screen, turned to me, and asked if I was 90-something years old. I realized that the hospital had never properly declared my great-uncle dead, and quickly explained to her that I was indeed the 20-odd years I looked.

After noticing the lit bulb, I quickly walked over to a family friend, who is of my father's generation, and asked him if he would say kaddish for my great-uncle, who was this man's own pediatrician in his childhood. I figured it would be more meaningful than asking the fellow sitting next to me, who could say kaddish since his parents have passed away, merely out of convenience. The family friend graciously agreed.

I stood nearby whenever he recited the kaddish, and sensed some strange aura of fulfillment answering him. I have no idea, even if the concept of gilgul is readily applicable in our day and age, if there was some aspect of my neshama responding to the kaddish being said for my namesake. It certainly felt something akin to what I just described, but who can know for sure?

I can only hope that my own actions, including my study of Torah and observance of mitzvos, which exceed the level of religious practice of my great-uncle, can serve as an aliyah for his neshama in the Olam HaEmes.

Chag Sameach... Today? Tomorrow?

Chag Sameach... sort of!

Yes, while today is the 5th of Iyar, the true calendarical date of the declaration of the creation of the modern State of Israel, the commemoration, starting with Yom HaZikaron, were pushed on a day, in consideration of preventing chilul Shabbos in preparation for any Yom HaZikaron events taking place on Motzei Shabbos.

Last year I was unaware of the day-shifting and accidentally said tachanun on the 5th of Iyar. I'm am happy to report that I didn't make the same mistake again this morning, since my chevrusa thankfully reminded me of pushing-off last night. Further, the gabbai of the minyan where I davened Shacharis knocked on the bima and continued from chazaras hashatz to the layning, skipping over tachanun. There was no hallel said, though it was announced they would say hallel without a bracha tomorrow, the celebrated day of Yom Ha'atzma'ut.

I wrote at length about my views on Yom Ha'atzma'ut last year - please check it out if you have a chance. I don't have too much to add, but I wanted to point out a few things.

First off, everyone should read Rabbi Maryle's post on Emes Ve-Emunah on the subject of hakaras hatov on Yom Ha'atzma'ut, which I think is a great, very well written piece.

Second, Aish.com has created a great lip-sync video for K'naan's song "Wavin' Flag," which is fantastic (the video contains music):



Back to my own additional chiddush for this year. Related to an idea I that dawned on me during my Yom Hashoah-inspired meditations in my Ma'ariv Shemonah Esrei (see the bottom), I had a bit of a revelation during Shacharis this morning.

I was looking for some personal insight to make my davening more meaningful instead of being another wrote repetition of prayers I had said many times before - this is a particular point I've been working on more since that greatly influential Ma'ariv Shemonah Esrei. While reciting the bracha of Teka B'Shofar Gadol it hit me.

In this particular bracha, we ask for HaShem to have the great shofar sounded, the one which will herald the arrival of Moshiach and the beginning of the Messianic Age of world peace along with the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash. Though we have yet to hear this great and powerful shofar blast heralding Moshiach's imminent revelation, I do think that the rest of the bracha has (at least) begun to materialize in the last 63 years.

We ask HaShem to raise the neis (banner/flag) that will be the sign to gather in our exiled brethren. We request that HaShem will then gather all of these dispersed Jews from the four corners of the Earth, and conclude with bracha that declares HaShem's role as the One who gathers the dispersed ones of His nation Yisrael.

Pausing to think about the words composed by Chazal centuries ago, I couldn't help but envision the Israeli flag as a fulfillment of this longed for prayer:

(Picture courtesy of Wikimedia)

We have literally seen Jews from all over the world return to their homeland. On this point, I don't care whether it was motivated by religious conviction, secular philosophy, government invervention (IE for Russian and Ethiopian Jews), getting kicked out by Arabs from their homes, or any other reason anyone has had to go home. It is abundantly clear to me that the Yad HaShem has been at work, and we are finally seeing movements at work which will lead to the Messianic era when all Jews will live in their homeland and world peace will reign supreme.

Yes, Israel isn't perfect. We can all understand that, even the most ardent Zionists out there. There is no reason any Jew living today should not commemorate the founding of the state in some fashion - to each his/her own in terms of level of celebration and expression.

May we celebrate many more commemorations of Yom Ha'atzma'ut, may those celebrations be eclipsed by the celebrations that will take place when the final geulah will be complete, and we can all join together as one nation saying Hallel in the Beis Hamikdash for the great wonders HaShem has done for us.

Things I've Learned Since I Got Married #4

One of the strangest, yet seemingly most evident things that I've learned since ASoG and I got married is the stark reality of what it means to be married and living in your own domicile (in our case, an apartment in Washington Heights).

At first, it all seemed like we were kind of playing house together, albeit in a fashion quite a bit different than your standard childhood endeavor. Things need to get done around the apartment, errands have to be run, and responsibilities that didn't exist a few days before suddenly come to the forefront of reality.

The one thing, or perhaps the biggest eye-opener, was the notion of how "real" life was when I was saying birkas hamazon one afternoon following lunch.

I reached the section following the lengthy list of horachamans wherein you offer a blessing for your host and/or others present. After mindlessly speeding through this section for many years, either mentioning (as appropriate) my parents, my hosts, and those around me, I'd never had the realization that now I'd have to change my standard bentsching phraseology.

Instead of say "Horachaman hu yevoreich es ba'al habayis/avi moi v'imi morasi," it dawned on me that I needed to say "osi, v'es ishti, v'es besi, v'es kol asher li." I now ask G-d to bless me, my wife, my home and all that is mine.

The experience was mind-blowing.

I was no longer some kid in college, unattached and off on my own, but I had a home with a wife! Life (and bentsching) would never be the same again - in a good way.

Even with this epiphany, I still mess up almost every time I open the bentscher after a meal, starting off with "es" before realizing it needs to be "osi." It's hard to change such a well-ingrained pactice, I guess. It also goes to show that I need to work on being more attentive to the words I'm saying, actually reading each and every one of them from the bentscher itself instead of mostly saying it by heart and using the bentscher to make sure I don't lose my place, etc. After all, the Gemara in Brachos tells us we aren't supposed to simply toss blessings from our mouths, but instead focus and concentrate on what we're saying.

So while new wording in bentsching isn't the biggest deal in the world, it does represent the biggest thing in the world for me - my new life with ASoG.

May everyone not yet stumbling over their personal horachaman in bentsching get the opportunity to start doing so soon!

Lone Ringer In Shul

I can't stand it!

It's bad enough when someone accidentally leaves his phone on during shul - or perhaps intentionally, but hoping not to get caught - and gets a call in the middle of shemonah esrei.

It's even worse when some guy's phone goes off, particularly with this annoying as all heck ring:




and the jerk is too absorbed in his kavana to turn the darn thing off.

Seriously, if you were really thinking about davening, you would have made sure to double-check that your cell phone was powered off in the first place! Now, that it's YOUR phone that's ringing, you pretend to be having such hailege concentration, breaking down the gates to shomayaim with your prayers, and distracting the rest of us with anger because you won't silence the stupid thing.

So while you're having a grand ol' time davening away, thinking we might not notice your phone ringing because we're also reaching such heights in our prayers, instead, everyone else in the room is silently cursing your disrespect for the shul/beis medrish, tefillah, and most importantly, G-d Himself.

At least when someone mistakenly forgets to turn the phone off and fumbles to silence an unwanted ring, we feel bad for the guy. Yes, we're a little perturbed, but we appreciate the effort to remove the distraction as soon as humanly possible.

But not you, Mr. Let It Ring Dude. Excuse us mere humans for being distracted by your unexpected and unattended phone ringing in your pocket, because we are but mere flesh and blood. You, on the other hand, must have some sort of spiritual level I've never heard of (over 9,000!?) that lets you completely disengage from your corporeal self while you ascend the 7 realms of the heavens and present your heart-felt requests at the very metaphorical feet of the Ruler of the Universe.

This crime is awful in and of itself, no matter where it happens to take place or what particular prayer service it rears its ugly head. However, allowing this to happen in the main Beis Medrish at YU (aka the Glueck Beis Midrash) while Rav Schachter is davening with us? For shame, man!

Mr. Dude, do some teshuva soon. By the way, this would include (according to the Rambam) not ever letting this happen again. However, we will find it in our hearts to forgive you if you accidentally leave the phone on and silence it immediately after it goes off and then proceed to apologize profusely to the congregation after davening is over as part of your penitence.

Sincerely,

Every Other Person In The Shul

Divrei Torah For Batya Shira Bas Chasida - In Need Of Your Prayers NOW

As many may know, Rav Reichman's daughter, Batya Shira bas Chasida gave birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday, but is actively suffering from a some sort of infection and malady in her brain. Thank G-d, she is doing much better after surgery, but is very much in need of our tefillos. Rav Reichman said to particularly focus on Perek 103 and the first 5 psukim there.

For the full story (and updates) see Chana's post, as well as this tehillim Facebook page.

In my own way of contributing, I will post some divrei Torah I heard from Rav Schachter and Rav Reichman the Shabbos of Chana and Heshy's Shabbos Sheva Brachos which ASoG and I had the pleasure of attending.

May the merit of these Divrei Torah, as well as all the other zechuyos being performed on Batya Shira bas Chasida's behalf bring her a reufah shelayma bimheira.

(Note: Rav Shachter's dvar Torah was from a parsha shiur given on Shabbos morning, while Rav Reichman's was spoken at the Sheva Brachos itself).

Rav Hershel Shachter on Parshas Shelach:

Yaakov Avinu asked for all the idols his family had in their possession and decided to bury them. Chazal (I think) ask why, especially if he had already had a non-Jew deconsecrate them, thereby making benefit from the statues and whatnot permissible. Rav Shachter explained (from I forget who) that Yaakov was being machmir. Why was he being machmir? Because he was out and involved in the real world, having interactions with people like Lavan – whenever you are out in the world and being part of society where harmful influences exist, that’s when you need more gedarim and to take on chumros to protect yourself.

The guys sitting in kollel and learning all day, surrounded entirely by an atmosphere of kedusha should be the most maykil ones, what do they need to be worried about? Today’s society is entirely backward, with the full-time learners trying to our-frum each other with unnecessary chumros, while many people out in business try to do the most minimum to get by halachically. Definitely something to think about.

Rav Reichman's Dvar Torah at Chana and Heshy's Sheva Brachos:

I, along with ASoG, had the distinct pleasure of attending the Shabbos night sheva brachos of Heshy and Chana (of Curious Jew fame). The entire celebration was absolutely wonderful, with Chana retelling the dvar Torah she gave at the wedding dinner, and everyone going around the table and offering words of Torah and bracha to the chosson and kallah. I particularly want to share the dvar Torah / bracha that Rav Reichman shared with us.

Rav Reichman noted, as had most everyone else, that the merger of the Bobov Chassidic Heshy and Modern Orthodox Chana is quite unique. Rav Reichman himself, as he explained is also a distinct Rosh Yeshiva at YU since he also embodies a distinct mixture of Chassidus and Modern Orthodoxy, which he indicated by pointing to the pictures of gedolim from both worlds (and then some) on his wall: A painting of the Shem Mi’Shmuel next to Rav Soloveitchik, The Lubavitcher Rebbe near Rav Kook, Rav Moshe Feinstein and others.

Rav Reichman said that in years past, the communities of Ashkenazim, Sephardim, Misnagdim, Yekkes, Chassidim, Bucharian, etc all lived in very separate communities and had nothing to do with one another. He recalled remarks he heard from Rav Soloveitchik about non-Chassidim’s view of Chassidim. The Rav said that the Jews in Lithuania were not big fans of the Chassidim and would not speak so fondly of them, but when he went to Germany, the then Hirschian Modern Orthodox German Jews said they felt they had more in common with the German gentiles than with Polish Chassidim!

Many people think that Yeshivish people have more in common with Chassidim than Modern Orthodox do. Both Yeshivish and Chassidim wear primarily black, whereas you see Modern Orthodox wear white (and other colots). In actuality, Rav Reichman said, Modern Orthodoxy has far more in common with Chassidim.

The roots of Chassidus, as founded by the Baal Shem Tov, is to go out into the world and find the sparks of holiness in everything that surrounds us. In other words, the intention is to elevate the mundane into the service of the holy. Modern Orthodoxy also believes that Jews should go out into the world, utilizing the secular/mundane and changing the world for the better, essentially doing the same thing. Those with hardcore Yeshivish beliefs are of the opinion that it is better to simply sit in the beis medrish and learn, ignoring the world at large.

Rav Reichman said we are zoche to live in an amazing generation. Since the churban of World War II, HaShem has very masterfully arranged two “chulent pots” of Jews; one in Israel and the other in America. In these two places, quite unlike what occurred in the past, all these different kinds of Jews from all sorts of different backgrounds live in close proximity – close enough to learn from one another. And that’s how it should be! Heshy and Chana’s union is a beautiful example of this. They are two people with very different backgrounds, upbringing, and experiences who have come together to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.

Well, Now You've Gone And Done It...

Yes, I did it. Perhaps it was time, perhaps it wasn't - and I still don't know the full impact of my decision just yet.

My 2-year Verizon plan concluded and I was up for renewal plus a new phone. After 2 years of frustration with a primitive touch-screen (in place of the "okay/select" and directional buttons), which rarely worked well, and in defiance of ASoG's warnings (she was worried I'd regret getting another touchscreen), I got totally touch screen smart phone instead of another phone which had an actual flip-up QWERTY keyboard.

So while I have now joined the thousands (probably more than that) of people who have these new-fangled devices, the real point of this post is that I also just downloaded the free siddur app. Some nice fellow decided to scan an entire siddur, and made up this fancy-schmancy interface where I can go immediately to Shacharis, Mincha, Ma'ariv, bentsching, brachos, etc.

For the longest time I have held a very negative view of people using their smart phones in the place of siddurim for davening. I think it is a nice convenience to have access to for bentsching, but while saying bikas hamazon takes only a few minutes, any of the three primary tefillos (or Mussaf for Rosh Chodesh and Chol Hamoed) takes a considerable amount of time longer.

Hence, my suspicion is always aroused anytime I see someone using their smart phone in shul/at minyan. True, I should be dan lekaf zechus that they are just using their app instead of a siddur - particularly at Mincha/Ma'ariv in a non-shul location where this would be most helpful - but I can't even begin to count the number of times I've seen people goofing off, checking email, etc during Chazaras Hashatz, or other "downtime."

So why did I download the app, even though I totally agree with ASoG that I don't want to become one of those guys using his smart phone during davening? I view the app as a sort of added insurance fo sorts. I'm sure some instance will come up where it will be easier to use the smart phone or where I won't have my wallet with me and thus my pocket mini benstcher/Mincha-Ma'ariv as well. At the moment, I have three scenarios in my head:

1) The few times I end up davening Ma'ariv in an airport (which happens every now and then) where I will be a little less conspicuous if I'm just standing to the side with my phone instead of clutching my little siddur. I'm not afraid of being seen davening in an airport, or even fielding questions about it afterward, but I'd rather be as inconspicuous as possible.

2) As I have witnessed repeatedly, this app comes in handy at wedding minyanim. There have been more than a handful of instances where I get a ride to a wedding, don't take my wallet since I don't need any money, and later regret not remembering to bring my mini-siddur. I always have my phone on me and now I will have a siddur as well. In fact, I have been saved by several nice fellows who shared their smart phone with me at post chuppa/chosson's tisch minyanim.

3) If I'm in a situation of an impromtu minyan where there are no siddurim provided to the attendees and someone else doesn't have their own siddur. I can simply lend them mine and then use my phone for myself. This is also assuming I can fight off any yetzer hara I may have to check my email over the course of the minyan, which I hope I could.

At any rate, my typical modus operandi will still consist of using my well worn, yeshiva-in-Israel issued mini-siddur, while my new phone will be in my pocket (turned off, of course). Technology is wonderful, and I very much like the idea of having a siddur - or Shas, for example (I've seen a YU BMP rabbi learning off his smart phone on occasion) - but I'm not going to let that positive benefit suck me into a distraction that will ruin my davening experience.

Teshuva Season 5770 Thoughts

First off, for those who haven't read my teshuva season thoughts from last year, please check them out here. It was one of my earliest posts, long before this blog received any sort of following or prominent linkage (thanks Bad4), so I don't think many of the current readers have seen it.

Motzei Shabbos was my fifth first-night selichos at YU. Each year I receive an enormous amount of inspiration by the ruach-filled atmosphere in the beis medrish as President Joel leads us into the phase of Elul where the focus on teshuva kicks into high gear. Honestly, it's a scary time in my mind, since things begin to seem really serious. True, we've already had several weeks of L'Dovid HaShem Ori twice a day and shofar blowings after shacharis, but the overwhelming feeling of awe as the yomim noraim approach doesn't hit me until selichos start.

I think this teshuva-season I've been more distracted than usual, not really paying attention to the fact that I have a lot to answer for as well as a boatload of things to work on - things I should have put effort into this past year, things I slacked off where I should have, and new challenges that arose and confronted me with tests I'd never experienced and thus had little hope of passing. How many times have I failed to resist temptation, in things both big and small, when I could have - and should have - been stronger, putting the yetzer hara in his place as I know, deep down, with the strength I honestly know I possessed.

The primary source of my distraction - and this is far from an excuse, because what good are excuses before the Master of the Universe - has been the ongoing wedding preparations and general craziness of engagement. Aside from keeping my mind focused on other things instead of performing serious self reflection and cheshbon hanefesh, I have faced new tests wherein I know I've stumbled here or there, particularly in the realm of relating to, and showing proper sensitivity toward Another Shade of Grey (ASoG). Sure, I could just chalk it up to the whole "I'm a guy, you're a girl, and we just don't quite understand each other yet" notion, but I would like to think I'm a bit better than that. As I said, excuses don't really mean much at all.

Thankfully, she is a very forgiving person, and I tend to apologize profusely upon realizing I've made an error of some sort. There is a lot of adjusting yet to be done, more awaits us as the wedding approaches, and certainly even further nuanced points of compromising, etc will come up during our married life together. So no matter how gentlemanly a guy may be (a goal I aspire to), when it comes to male/female dynamics within a relationship, everyone has some growing room before things really come together.

I wish I could say I had the same enthusiastic, though appropriately humble, confidence I expressed in the aforementioned early post when I began this blog last year, but instead I'm just a bit worried. I have spent far too much time engrossed in my own concerns without giving HaShem due attention, which is definitely not a good thing in my mind. Granted, some of the distractions with regard to getting ready for the wedding have been entirely necessary and are proper preparation for the mitzvah of getting married. However, I have begun to think that I may have taken advantage of the "oh boy, I'm getting hitched" mindset to dodge other responsibilities that would normally have been at the forefront of my thoughts.

Anyway, here I am, a year after starting a hashkafa-based blog that transformed into a shidduch-based blog, soon-to-be-married and shouldering a boatload of responsibility the likes of which I have never dreamed of. I've been reading/learning the sefer "Yom Hachupa L'Chatan" in preparation for the wedding. The sefer ephasizes the significance of the wedding day and how it is akin to, and in many ways, surpasses the signficance of Yom Kippur. Whereas the average Joe (or Jo-anne) gets one Yom Kippur a year, the wedding day comes once a lifetime (hopefully). Not only that, it has the ability to wipe one's slate entirely clean!

I guess it's kind of nifty that I get to go through two Yom Kippur's in a somewhat short time span, especially since the annual Yom Kippur precedes my own person Yom Kippur, which will hopefully prepare me well for the boat-load of teshuva I need to do for this past year as well as the last 20-odd years of my life (and yes I know responsibility doesn't kick in until 13 and heavenly punishment until 20).

I have one friend who got married shortly before Rosh Hashana several years ago. I thought he was lucky since that meant he'd be going into Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with a sparkling white neshama from kapara he received on his wedding day - what could be better! He replied in turn that while my idea had some merit, he had plenty of time over Sheva Brachos and Yom Tov to potentially make more mistakes and rack up enough aveiros to need teshuva all over again.

But, there is still time. As Rav Goldvicht emphasized in his pre-selichos drasha, the word "Hayom" as found in Tanach is darshened by Chazal to refer to Rosh Hashana. The overring point that he emphasized regarding the meaning of "Hayom" is that the power of teshuva has the ability to create a person anew - today. In performing a heartfelt teshuva shelayma, all the mistakes, sins, transgressions, both intentional and unintentional, from the past are completely wiped away - as though they never existed.

One particular example that he cited was the commentary of the Sfas Emes on the incident where Sara laughed at the angel's proclamation that she and Avraham would have a child within the year. HaShem confronts her and asks why she laughed - to which she replies that she didn't laugh. How could our fore-mother Sara dare to say that to HaShem's "face" when it was quite clear that she did, in fact, laugh just a few moments prior? The Sfas Emes explains that upon realizing that she had erred in expressing the laughter, she immediately did teshuva, regretting her outburst. Since teshuva, if done properly (and certainly she did teshuva whole heartedly) can totally erase the negativities of the past, her response that she had never laughed was actually true, from a certain point of view.

May we all merit to engage in proper introspection, find what we need to correct, and implement the necessary changes to improve ourselves and our actions for this coming year. May we all draw closer to our King and Creator, Who will hopefully recognize our sincere efforts to bend our will to more accurately represent what He desires of us in this world - and in doing so, may all our heartfelt requests for the coming year, for good health, happiness, success, sustained spiritual growth in Torah and Mitvos, and of course finding the proper zivug (or maintaining Shalom Bayis, as the case may be J) be speedily written and sealed for all of Klal Yisrael.

Niggun Neshama - I Love It, But STOP Using It During Davening!

Niggun Neshama. Everyone's heard it, probably at a wedding or live in concert. In my unqualified opinion, it's one of R' Shlomo Carlebach's finest compositions that remained professionally unreleased during his lifetime. A personal recording or two has surfaced, though.

Shlomo Katz' bonus track from V'Hakohanim is a live recording from the first time Shlomo ever played the niggun - at a R' Shlomo yartzeit concert in Yerushalayim. This is always amazing to listen to.

Shlomo Katz is the artist responsible for making Niggun Neshama as popular as it is be really introducing it to the Jewish music world. I was privileged enough to be learning in Israel when he began his one-man campaign to get the Jewish world singing and dancing with this lively niggun, and let me tell you, hearing it that first year of its popularity was magical. We ran from concert to concert of Shlomo's to be able to hear the niggun just one more time.

Mind you, this was before it was played to death at every single wedding in America, Israel, and everywhere else across the globe. I was once at a wedding where they played it no less than three separate times. Whenever the dancing began to lull, they started up Niggun Neshama and everyone was back on the dance floor. Cheap trick, but it worked...

I once asked Shlomo why he never recorded the song in the studio for his album, and he replied that you simply can't capture that same power and energy found when the song is performed live. He was right, and while there are nice versions of Niggun Neshama that have been recorded (see below), they do lack that magic spark of the live concert performance.

Eitan Katz' acoustic version from Unplugged is quite nice, perhaps the finest overall studio recording of the niggun. There is just a sense of quiet energy that pervades throughout.

Yehuda Green's rendition from Land of Your Soul is probably the best studio recorded fast version. It definitely makes you want to get up and dance, but it's not the same as hearing it live...

Begin Rant

Yehuda! (click "Niggun Neshomele") took the song, jazzed it up, and made it lose all its natural appeal, IMHO. He even changed the vocalization to "Hai-dee-dee-yo-oh" - who knew that changing the "words" to a niggun would affect it so adversely!? Every other artist out there that tried to make their own spin fared similarly, ignoring the inherent greatness that is already there while trying to "improve" it - I'm looking at you, Ohad and the Kinderlach.

Worse yet is the chazanim who, in an attempt to be "with it" (this remark is particularly directed to the older gentlemen midde aged and above) who think it's hip to throw in this niggun while leading the davening in shul. It just doesn't work - not for Lecha Dodi, not for Kedusha, not for Anim Zemiros, nor any other time in davening.

First, you can't just sing Niggun Neshama without a guitar and expect to pull it off. It ends up being too fast, too high, or too repetitive. Niggun Neshama only works fully when it's in the hands of a master devotee of R' Shlomo's music, such as the first three artists I mentioned above.

Second, there are too many syllables in Niggun Neshama to put words to it. This is a problem similarly found with Shlomo's Niggun Nevo. The first part just doesn't fit, though the second does, believe me, I've unsuccessfully tried it out for Lecha Dodi. Anyway, the chazan attempts to cram the nai-nai-nais into words and ends up splicing syllables and vowels as he shoves the proverbial circle peg into the square hole. Now, not only is everything ill-fitting, but now the chazan isn't even saying the proper words of the tefillah, and that is a big no-no.

Although the heyday of Niggun Neshama's meteoric rise to popularity are long over, and it has rightfully established it's place as a long-time favorite, I still see chazanim mistakenly try to utilize it to this very day. Enough already! Enjoy Niggun Neshama for what its truly worth, but don't spit on it anymore with failed attempts to spice up davening!

End Rant

A Shabbos Of Many Firsts

This past Shabbos was one of many firsts. It was my first Shabbos spent on the YU campus since the school year ended, as well as my first Shabbos spent on campus any summer since I started my academic career at YU. It’s really kind of lonely with so many people gone, leaving a number of married couples that live here and a handful of June zman guys who decided to rough it out and not go home (although there was a KBY Shabbaton this week, which probably encouraged some guys to stay).

Without caf meals to rely upon, I had to figure out what I was going to do for food. A friend of mine living on the other side of the Heights really came through and helped me find a night meal after I successfully received an invite for lunch. Both meals were enjoyable, but of totally opposite character.

The Friday night meal was on the other side of the Heights, and was my first singles-only Shabbos meal. I also davened at Mount Sinai shul, a supposed hotbed of singles activity, for the first time ever. Sure, I had been there once or twice before to attend concerts (notably, Shlomo Katz concerts), but I’ve never had a reason, nor desire to daven there before. I found that the stereotypes are largely true. Throughout davening, there were young men and women congregating in the empty social hall, located right next to the sanctuary (the men have to walk through it to get to their seats) as well as in the adjacent hallway schmoozing it up with one another, and that was just the beginning…

The davening itself was a bit lackluster. The chazzan (I doubt he’s necessarily to blame) started off Lechu Neranena in the Carlebach style, but then didn’t sing much else until Lecha Dodi. He used a few Carlebach endings, oddly enough, while singing mostly by himself. On the whole, I was very underwhelmed by the overall lack of congregational interest in singing/davening together. I must commend them for singing Vayechulu together though, which I don’t see so often. It’s kind of funny, because you’re supposed to say it together with other people, to the point where if you daven Shemonah Esrei too long and miss the congregation’s recitation, that you should grab someone else and have him say it with you. Yet, in most shuls when the chazzan gets to Vayechulu, everyone just starts off belting it out or mumbling it on their own, almost like a race.

It is also true that the men and women basically face one another, with two sections for each along the northern and southern walls, women behind the men with a mechitza made of interlocking metal bars that are somewhat easily seen through. I kept my hat pulled low over my eyes when sitting in my seat, or did my best to direct my gaze strictly forward when standing and facing east. I was basically successful in my attempt to avoid visual distractions during davening, though I imagine many find such an arrangement entertaining or interesting.

Anyway, after Adon Olam, the real ‘fun’ began. I had seen my friend earlier, but quickly lost sight of him as soon as the crowd started flowing into the large, open social hall for the prerequisite post-davening socializing/get-together. A few hundred (I’m bad at guesstimation) young men and women were milling about in small groups chit-chatting with one another. Truth be told, I really couldn’t handle the “scene,” I was definitely overwhelmed by the immensity of it all. I saw old classmates from YU, guys who went to Israel with me, a few married guys I knew, a girl or two I went out with – though I observed most of them from afar, only choosing to actually catch up with a few of the guys I knew. I’m not entirely against social interaction with girls, and if people are utilizing the opportunity to really meet members of the opposite gender, more power to them. It just wasn’t my thing.

I must mention that this started at around 9:40 PM and was going quite strong by the time my friend and I left with our hostess well after 10 PM. I don’t know about all those other young guys and gals, but I was hungry by that point. I guess the desire for social interaction trumps food sometimes (though they often go together).

We proceeded to head over to our hostess’ apartment where I sat down to my first singles’ meal, about twelve men and women in total, split evenly give or take.

Surprisingly, or should I say thankfully, the whole meal wasn’t awkward at all. It was quite fascinating to watch the male-female dynamics of the conversation. The hostess and her apartment-mates did most of the cooking, and guests brought things like the wine, challah, and the dessert (I had offered to bring something, but it was all taken care of by the time I was invited). We reminisced about 90’s TV shows, did an ice breaker or two, and generally talked about all sorts of random stuff.

I also had my first glimpse into this ‘other world’ of singles, which I had never experienced before. While I’m sure that sort of life works for some/many frum singles out there, it’s not something I ever want to be a part of. The whole existence affects the people there, and I could see it in both the guys and girls I ate Shabbos dinner with. I don’t necessarily think it’s a pgam per se, since for many, living in such a community is a necessity for finding a spouse (or so many claim), but it definitely changes a person. I’ve gone out with girls who live over there, and each time the shidduch was very short lived, for reasons I might understand better now.

I think there is a marked difference between the YU side and the Mount Sinai side of the Heights. The YU side, understandably, exists in an atmosphere that is permeated by the yeshiva. The main beis medrish is the center of the community (especially in its new location), and included with that edifice are the many great roshei yeshiva we have. It’s vastly different from having a shul with just one rabbi (as great as Rabbi Schwartz, a YU musmach, is). I honestly feel a greater sense of community around YU than I did at Mount Sinai. Even though you might have singles on both sides (though more women there than here), everything on the Mount Sinai side seemed so disconnected, akin to the social butterflies flitting back and forth during the “scene” following Ma’ariv. Whereas at YU, even those not married still orbit around the yeshiva, with a firm tether that keeps them grounded in a Torah reality. I don’t mean to belittle the men and women at Mount Sinai at all, but their primary focus seemed to be each other and not the davening/shul.

Now that I’ve probably offended any single readers who live over there (and feel free to express your opinions/rants in comment form), I’ll talk about my other “first” experience, which was my lunch meal.

Bad For Shidduchim, Frum' N Flipping, A Blob of Something Different, and other bloggers (mostly of the female variety, to the best of my recollection) have all written posts about their friends moving on, getting married, and already having kids, thus making them feel all the more left out. While I have had a large number of friends who have already gotten married, and a few here and there who have begun having children, I never really encountered the phenomenon in person - until now. For the most part, as many have already observed and discussed to death, married people tend to form their own little social circles, to the exclusion of their still-single friends. I can now report firsthand that being around such friends can be a bit alienating.

It had been a while since the last time I shared a Shabbos meal with this particular friend and his wife, but that was back when they were newlyweds. Now, around a year and a half later, they have a cute baby daughter. The other guests included another married couple, along with their own baby son, and another friend, whose wife is expecting. Conversation centered around the babies on hand, general tips and tricks for raising children, including feeding and nap habits, as well as fun topics such as morning sickness. As the only single person at the meal, I was left utterly without a word to contribute to the discussion half of the time. Despite the fact that I was sitting right there at the same table, eating the same delicious food, it almost seemed like I wasn’t in the room. I can’t blame any of them for unintentionally excluding me, and in the end I did learn some things from simply sitting quietly and listening to all the back-and-forth dialogue.

I was also a slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of what it means to be married, take care of a home, and have/raise kids. I don’t think that many people honestly take these things into consideration so much while dating. As much as I believe I’ve basically reached the limit to my functionality as a single man, I have quite a lot to learn about being a husband and father. True, most of that education is collected from “on-the-job” experience, but I know I could prepare myself more. I have been reading dating books for a long time now (since Shana Bet, in fact), and now the thought occurred to me that maybe I should move onto reading marriage and child-raising books… As I once heard in a shiur, the time to read and absorb dating/marriage books is NOT when you’re already engaged, because it’s too late at that point to effect any major change in any traits you might be lacking. Hence, the right time to head to the bookstore is during the time you’re single or even before you really start dating. I now think the same goes for marriage and child rearing. Though I imagine those books aren’t quite as exciting as ones about dating/how to find your bashert. I may just switch to the marriage books and hold off and the child-rearing titles for now.

Both meal experiences were like glimpses into potential futures. One, wherein I have graduated YU unmarried and still need to find my wife, the other, a bit further along in time, after I’ve gotten married and started my family. While the whole married with kids thing is a definite aspect of my future (please G-d), I’m really not too keen on being one of those social singles hanging out on the other side of the Heights. It really felt like a way station for people who have become “stuck” in life, unable to transition from singlehood to marriage, for whatever reason. I think I can better empathize with those who are unfortunately enduring that existence (some of whom have been there for many years).

One solution to this “crisis,” which I’ve mentioned before, is that people should set others up with those they’ve gone out with before. If your ex-shidduch was an all around decent person, and just didn’t match up with you, why not recommend him/her to a friend who you think would be more appropriate? If we all consciously networked together, I think we could avoid the haphazard socializing that I saw Friday night after shul.

May we all skip (or quickly move beyond) that frustrated, still-single stage in life!

I’ll end with a quote I once heard from Rabbi Orlian, one of the sganei mashgiach here at YU, when he asked me if I was busy and I replied in the affirmative:

“If it’s the right one, may it be quick. If not, may it be quicker!”

Wearing A Hat And Jacket During Davening

Rabbi Ari Enkin over at Hirhurrim has a very educational post regarding the practice of wearing a hat and jacket during davening. His fairly comprehensive halachic survey of the topic is very on target, and is definitely worth reading.

My own practice during the week seems to conform with the position Rabbi Enkin explains regarding how davening attire should conform to the way a person (as an individual, though not as a community) would dress when making a public appearance, which for me would include a blazer/jacket.

Rabbi Enkin also makes an interesting observation that never crossed my mind before: wearing a tie during davening. Certainly, the standard protocol for "dressing up" these days would include a jacket and tie (but not a hat), but no halachic persona seems to indicate the need to do so. That's definitely a very sharp point that can be used against the nit-picky people who say a hat is necessary, evn when it is no longer part of the standard formal outfit.

However, the post does not mention the particular practice of wearing a hat only on Shabbos/Yom Tov, which I addressed in one of my earlier posts. This isn't to say that Rabbi Enken missed this practice, since it seems to be part of a hashkafic, rather than halachic, notion at any rate.

Well It's About Time

It finally happened: one of the girls I went out with (a while ago) just got engaged! This definitely adds a bright spot to my otherwise depressingly busy schedule of studying for finals.

Mazal tov to the lucky couple, and I look forward to taking her name off my to-daven-for list at Shacharis tomorrow morning.

UPDATE: make that TWO of the girls I went out with! Huzzah!

Is This Blog Tzniusdik? & Davening For Others In Shidduchim

Rabbi Gil Student on Hirhurim has a great post on the tzniusdik nature (or lack thereof) of blogging. Check it out here.

The post got me thinking, since Rabbi Student specifically mentions the thorny issue of blogging about dating, which is indeed a subject of discussion here. I certainly hope I'm not being too forward with information, even though I do my best to keep everything anonymous, (and no one really knows who I'm dating anyway). I definitely abide by Rav Goldvicht's opinion that any and all direct discussion of dating is basically a bad idea, and I would also feel horrible knowing I've ever hurt anyone's feelings in this area - especially former dates. I prefer to avoid the specific details of my dating life anyway, and like to focus on more general ideas related to the dating world. Let's hope I can maintain this proper boundary of modesty.

In other news, the first YU Connects shidduch was a bit of a bust, which is fine. It was a good first experience for using the system, at least. I think I will better know how to understand if there is real hashkafic compatibility when I am suggested matches in the future (that was the main issue this time). I sort of knew that going into the shidduch, and I honestly wasn't expecting a yes, having just received a large number of rejections from the suggested girl when I had accepted on my end. So her acceptance caught me by surprise, and I figured I didn't have anything to lose, which I didn't. In the end, I simply met another great person who isn't for me...

That leads me into the topic I really wanted to write about... Davening for others also dating/in shidduchim.

I personally have a fairly long list of both guys and girls I know, friends from way back when, and more recent acquaintances, that I mention in every Shemonah Esrei. That they should all have bracha and hatzlacha in their dating, and that they should find their zivug at the appropriate time - all according to G-d's will. I can't describe in words how wonderful it is when I hear that one of the names on my lists needs to be taken off because they got engaged. Especially when it happens that I remove two names because they got engaged to one another (which usually happens when I know that they've been dating).

The boundless level of simcha is such a stark contrast to the unfortunate reality of sometimes having to stop davening for a specific name on a refuah shelayma list because that individual succumbed to his/her illness. I also sometimes forget that someone got engaged (usually within a few days of hearing the news) and I have to catch myself when I get to their name. I usually pause, smile to myself, and then continue with the other, less fortunate people who still need siyata d'shmaya finding their intended spouse.

I daven for myself too, of course, always at the end of everyone else. It's an idea mentioned in the gemara in Brachos (I can't remember the exact daf at the moment, it's late and my Brachos isn't in my room at YU...) that when you and a friend need the same thing, you should daven for them first, then yourself, and through some spiritual mechanism of sorts, you will get answered first. I'm not going to doubt the veracity of this gemara, but I have seen several friends on my list answered before me. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, I am always overjoyed at hearing the good news of friends finally finding the right one. Maybe I'm just not understanding the exact perameters of the "how-to" instructions provided there.

Anyway, the more specific issue I wanted to bring up was davening for those you've gone out with in the past and with whom the relationship didn't work out. Sure, there are lots of people who daven for shidduchim everyday, and have many of their friends in mind (as previously mentioned) - but do people daven for ex-dates?

I do, and I think it's an important thing that everyone should make room for in their otherwise me-oriented tefillah. It doesn't matter whether I ended the relationship, she did (and whether I was upset by that fact or not), or if it was a mutual decision. I think that everyone has a right to find true happiness with the proper person at the appropriate time. It may even be a bit of an ego-killer to employ this element in one's own davening, but I think that we could also use a bit of ego-deflation every now and then.

As I have mentioned in the past, every person that you go out with is a link in a greater chain of events that will eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later) lead you to the one. There is always something to be gained from each dating experience, so why not show some gratitude to that person, and the Ribono Shel Olam, by requesting they find success in their search? True, it can be painful to remember the names of certain previous dates, for one reason or another. However, I think the greater impact of putting real heart-felt kavana and good will that stems from the soul provides a measure of healing and self-improvement that everyone can benefit from.

Having said that, I haven't yet removed any of those names from my list, unfortunately. While it pains me to know that my friends are still having difficulty finding their spouses, it bothers me in a different, and sometimes more troublesome fashion, when I know that some really great girls out there are still single (if I may be haughty enough to presume that everyone I went out with is really great in her own way). I don't feel guilty for not being the answer to their prayers, because I know deep down that things wouldn't have worked out for whatever reason. But they do deserve menuchas hanefesh from their efforts to find a husband. I honestly do an occasional check on OnlySimchas (usually when I'm there when I do a confirmation about news I've heard regarding a friend - I'm not an OnlySimchas addict/stalker, mind you) to see if any of them have finally found the right one.

I wonder if any of them daven for me... hmmm.

This brings to mind the idea of helping set up ex-dates with other people you know, which is a pretty big chesed, in my view. I would very much like to be of service in that area, but I'm just not good at thinking of couplings, I guess. I wish I could help others out in this area...

So sadly, my list of ex-dates to daven for grows longer still, and my own journey continues onward. I hope that I can start removing those names one by one (along with the others on my lists, as the case may be), in the near future - ken yehi ratzon.