Marry Jewish: Our Future Is In Your Hands.

Today I read an op-ed piece on The Jewish Daily Forward by Jane Eisner titled "For 2013, A Marriage Agenda," thanks to a link on Hirhurim's news postings.

Eisner's piece is thoughtful, and thought provoking, especially for those of us who know, are friends with, or perhaps related to Jews who are not particularly observant and are rather free-spirited when it comes to who they date and who they would consider marrying.

As I mentioned at the end of my post The Shanda of "Chrismukkah," I believe that intermarriage is perhaps the worst thing an individual Jew can do nowadays, because he or she is actively choosing to betray his or her own people, friends, family, and parents.

Eisner cites the statistics of later marriage period, and thus fewer marriages and fewer births, which combine with a 1/3 to 1/2 of those unions being intermarriage, are set to decimate (and are decimating) the non-Orthodox Jewish population.

While some people in various circles of our Torah Observant populace might turn their nose up and announce that our less observant brethren are getting just what they deserve - and as soon as they're all gone the "frum" people will be the only ones left to define and embody Judaism - I say we have to stop this madness before so many unique, precious people are lost to the sands of time.

One particular paragraph in Eisner's piece struck me:

But this acceptance — some call it assimilation — comes at a price we are not willing to acknowledge, which I believe endangers the future of egalitarian, progressive American Judaism. And we don’t know what to do. Parents do not want to alienate their children with what may seem like outdated prejudices, while religious authorities, such as they are, are reluctant to judge for fear of rejection. We hope that those coming into our community will compensate for all who leave, but they won’t. We pour money into free 10-day trips to Israel with the not-so-hidden agenda of promoting inmarriage, and they do a little. But such “success” comes at a huge monetary cost, with the added risk of tying Jewishness only to Israel — hardly a winning argument in today’s political environment.

Without expressly admitting it, I think this indicates who the primary people at fault are: the parents.

For years, in personal communication with people in my hometown community and elsewhere, I've been decrying how much the parents have negated their responsibility for instilling a firm sense of Jewish identity in their children. This happens in Orthodox homes as well, Modern and not - and is the reason I strongly encourage high school graduates to find the program in Israel that best suits him or her so that they can forge their own Jewish identity of their choosing - one that will be strong enough to combat the pressures of college, wherever they attend, and guide them in a path of recognition and service of G-d that includes marrying a Jewish spouse.

Parents who still have young children need to open their eyes and realize what impact, or lack thereof, they are having on their kids with regard to establishing and creating their own Jewish identity. Children may not want to be exactly like their parents, hashkafically or otherwise, and that needs to be acceptable, rather than a source of discord that pushes their offspring further away and into such a lack of Jewish observance that they intermarry.

Parents who themselves have been fortunate enough to marry a Jewish spouse need to realize that what made them choose to do so will probably have little to no influence on their children. They don't have the grandparents or parents who were immigrants and instilled the basic need of marrying someone Jewish, regardless of how many mitzvos they did or didn't keep. The more these parents keep their heads in the sand, the more they will come to regret a future heartbreak when their son or daughter brings a non-Jew home to meet the parents and their dreams of Jewish grandchildren go up in flames. Even if a daughter ends up marrying a gentile, that does not create an environment which will be conducive to the growth of a hardy Jewish identity, and those grandchildren, though halachically Jewish, will be that much more likely to care very little about having a Jewish husband or wife - and could view their mother as hypocritical for suggesting otherwise.

For the youth, young adults, and adults out there - we need to educate them. Books like Why Marry Jewish? by Rabbi Doron Kornbluth (who I heard speak when this book was released) explain the need to marry-in without beating people over the head with Jewish guilt or more extreme-minded perspectives that can and do turn people off.

Every Jew out there has a spark within, some call it the Pintele Yid, which can and should be engaged. There is bound to be some topic about Judaism that interests the guy or girl you know that can capture their thoughts and imagination. Even if they don't become complete ba'alei teshuva, as wonderful as that would be, averting the disaster of intermarriage is something that needs to be addressed by every single one of us.

Keep our future Jewish. Date Jewish. Marry Jewish. Raise your children to be proud of their Jewish identity. Make it the bedrock of who they are so that they will always choose to build the rest of their lives by that path.

Let's not forsake any more unfortunate souls... we've lost too many already.

Yosef: A True Role Model For Today

Whenever we are reading the parshiyos that discuss the lives and actions of the patriarchs and the fathers of the twelve tribes, I often here people talking about their exalted, holy level of existence, far above our own imperfect way of living. This is usually a result of over reliance on viewing them through a Midrashic lens, interpreting anything potentially problematic in their behavior in a starkly positive light.

However, approaching the Avos and their offspring in this way, in my view, puts too much of a distance between us and our progenitors. By doing this, we place them on a pedestal of spirituality, far our of our reach, and without any realistic models to inspire us to embody their very earthly, though also very spiritual, deeds, characteristics, and beliefs.

I don't mean any disrespect to our admittedly holy and spiritually elevated ancestors, but rather that we should do our best to understand pshat and figure out what we can learn from to apply in a practical fashion to our modern-day lives.

Case in point, Yosef, son of Yaakov and Rachel. He has come to be known in rabbinic writings as Yosef HaTzadik - the righteous - because of an incident in this week's parsha, Vayeishev.

Yosef, a mere teenager of 17 (maybe slightly older, 18, 19) is alone in the morally depraved Egyptian society, a servant to the head of Pharaoh's guards, Potiphar. He enjoys Potiphar's favor, who trusts him implicitly because of his good conduct, and is a model man-servant in his service of his master.

Then his master's wife sets her eye on him.

She begs him to sleep with her. And he refuses - though not without effort. The trop or cantillation on the word "and he refused" - "Vay'ma'ein" is a shalsheles, which undulates up and down 3 times, indicates, per numerous commentators, a great measure of self-doubt and struggle on Yosef's part.

Yet, despite the situation - in which no one would observe them sinning - or the biological fact that he probably had the typical late-teenager's boatload of hormones coursing through his veins, as well as the general immoral atmosphere which pervaded the Egyptian society at large, Yosef turns her down. Not once, not twice, but over and over, and to the point where he flees, as though for his very life, leaving his outer garment in her hand and running outside improperly dressed.

Most of us are aware of the famous reason for his refusal, as cited in Chagiga 36B, that Yaakov's image appeared in the window of Potiphar's house and disapprovingly spoke with Yosef about the consequences of his actions - not unlike Obi-Wan Kenobi in The Empire Strikes Back.

Don't do it, Yosef!

However, this is an Aggadic Gemara, and not indicated in the pshat. As we just learned in Daf Yomi on Shabbos 63A, "the verse never departs from the pshat," even if there is a metaphorical or deeper level of understanding in the Torah's words.

So how does that benefit us in this situation?

Because Yosef was a 17 year old teenager who resisted the often overpowering urge to indulge in physical gratification and defeated the attractive temptation that was repeatedly shoved in his face.

How many of us, as teenagers, let alone now as older, more mature adults, could say that when faced with this sort of "perfect" opportunity to sin, would not give in? Potiphar would never find out, Yosef's family would never find out, it'd be so easy to "get away with it."

And yet, Yosef didn't go down that path. Not only did he refuse to cave, he endured a public scandal that his would-be adulteress lover falsely instigated, initiating a smear campaign that landed him in a dungeon.

How many men of note, famous and well respected, have we heard of in recent years that have failed this test of temptation time and again? If it's not our president, it's the head of the CIA, governors, senators, celebrities, musicians, sports stars, and even some respected religious leaders.

None of these men (and women as well) can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with a 17-year-old Hebrew slave, kidnapped and alone in a foreign country.

Think about that.

Nowadays, the perpetrators of the these immoral sexual dalliances have first and foremost on their mind, "How can I not get caught?" "What's the best way to accomplish my personal physical gratification without causing fallout among my family, friends and supporters?" "What's the best excuse or cover story?" And none of them think about getting caught, or what that will mean, the relationships it will rip apart and the hard-earned trust it will destroy.

Yosef didn't need to worry about that, because it wasn't on his mind. He didn't contemplate how to best achieve his sin - he fought the thoughts that arose in his mind while his seductive master's wife offered her charms again and again. He fought, and won - and when he knew he couldn't fight in the same way he had before - she DID grab his garment, but who knows what else she was doing to him physically at the time - he fled as though his life was in danger.

Though perhaps not in mortal danger, he was in spiritual peril, an immortal danger, if you will, and he had to escape however he could. Though not intact in attire, he was intact spiritually. He won the war, even if was ended up damaging his public image. No matter what the people thought of him, even if Potiphar believed internally that Yosef was innocent (and hence didn't have him executed), it was better for Yosef to have his name tarnished by lies than to tarnish his soul by lying with his master's wife.

If only we could internalize Yosef's strength, pay attention more closely to that internal shalsheles of trepidation at the moment we are tempted to do an aveirah - and like Yosef, listen to it, rather than give in to the suggestions of the Yetzer Hara. Without a doubt, the world would be a better, more moral place.

I think this is a very human, relatable story that helps us connect to Yosef and our forefathers in a realistic fashion. It is possible to resist temptation, no matter what the situation is, especially in matters pertaining to sexuality - one of the most problematic arenas nowadays - and come out stronger, more resilient, and spiritually elevated by our proper choices.

Perhaps we can then also merit the title of tzadik, and better serve HaShem in a renewed, more focused, and dedicated fashion.

How I Feel When I Lend A Single Guy My Tallis

During the layning frenzy from this past Simchas Torah morning minyan, a single guy was the last person to get an aliyah at our breakaway Torah reading (we were 1 of 4 from the hashkama minyan). He walked up to the makeshift bima in the basement classroom and suddenly found himself stuck since he was unmarried and thus not wearing a tallis.

I had received the aliyah immediately prior, and quickly turned to him and offered my tallis, which he gladly accepted and proceeded to make his berachos and receive his aliyah.

Some combination of the excitement/energy of the moment, along with the shiny metal plated atara (crown) of my tallis called to mind an image from my youth that perfectly suited the moment. I managed to track down the source and created this nifty animated gif.

Yes, it feels exactly like that. For all the male, unmarried readers - just wait until the first time a single guy asks to borrow your own tallis.

In case you're wondering what they're saying, here's the caption:

Red Ranger: Quick, Tommy, I need to borrow your tallis!

Green Ranger: Don't worry, Jason! Here you go!

Red Ranger: Totally Morphinominal! Thanks, bro!

Green Ranger: Anytime, man!

P.S. I apologize for the lack of regular updates. Now that the chagim are over, I hope to get back into things. I've missed writing about so many topics - Teshuva Season, Yomim Noraim, Sukkos, my 3rd Blogoversary... 

Maccabeats Marriage Update

Updated Image (as of 12/6/12) can be found here.

A year ago, on January 26th, 2011 I posted a gag picture I whipped up that featured the suddenly famous Maccabeats and identified which were married, engaged, or single.

Aside from the humorous element of appealing to all the Macca-fan-girls out there, I didn't think much of the post at the time. I went about business as usual, wrote a few more posts, and figured life would go on as it had until that point.

Then, a little over a week later the internet suddenly noticed the picture, and I was featured on blogs, Face Book statuses and even the Jerusalem Post's website. This humble little blog was flooded with visitors from all over the world. Talk about unexpected exposure.

In fact, that post continues to be the most visited, most searched (via word and image search), and most linked post I've written in over 2 years of blogging.

While a year has now passed, and people out there continue to in

quire via search engines which members of The Maccabeats are married, some things have changed and that picture is no longer factually accurate. I figure that as long as people still care about knowing this information, I don't want to mislead visitors and have impressionable young ladies pining away for a married or engaged man.

Therefore, I have put together an updated image (which looks pretty nifty, if I do say so) that relates the current marriage statuses of our beloved A Cappella singing sensations (click to enlarge):

IMAGE UPDATED 2-2-12

With OVER half of the 14 guys in The Maccabeats now married or on the way, time is running out for any Jewish girls out there (and their mothers) who dream about Maccabeat zemiros at their Shabbos table.

On a more serious note, I recall hearing that The Maccabeats themselves weren't so happy with the initial post, and I imagine they won't be with this one either. Since the other post exists and cannot be taken back, I have created this new image to properly inform the masses at large who are already looking for this anyway. Sorry guys, if I have further offended you.

More important than the married or single status of The Maccabeats is their continued success at spreading the positive message of Torah Umadda and reaching out to Jews everywhere, religiously observant or not (yet).

I hope they can create more songs, more videos, and more albums (where is that second CD anyway!?) to further enhance our modern Jewish culture, and serve as a positive role models for our community, and the world at large.

P.S. This post will also be in lieu of Jewish Music Fridays because of my grad school work.

Update: From their Facebook status, it seems like their long anticipated 2nd album is almost completed!

Mayim Bialik Talks About Her Maccabeats Cameo

I wasn't so surprised when I noticed Jewish actress and neuroscientist Mayim Bialik appear in the latest Maccabeats video, "Miracle." I had been following her online cheer-leader-ing and remarks about her favorite (in a kind of obsessive way) Jewish music group.

Mayim was the first celebrity - way before Obama - to take a real interest in the guys and their positive Torah Umadda message. She even gave them a shout out at Tribefest this past March (this clip is worth watching for the other meaningful things she says aside from the name-drop).

Now she has posted her side of the story in "Mayim's Miracle Maccabeats Debut," sharing with all of us out there in internet-land her experience of how she came to make a cameo in their follow-up video to "Candlight."

I'm glad Mayim is out there in the notoriously liberal Hollywood promoting real Jewish values, as well as publicly supporting our now-famous A Capella group. She's a breath of fresh air in a sometimes very anti-Jewish or self-derogatory (self-hating can be a bit much) world out there.

Criticism Of The Maccabeats And "The Purim Song"

In case you arrived at this post looking for me to critique the heck out of the video, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Rather, I'm going to address something else: the new form of revolting critical comments that people are posting on Jewish blogs (such as mine and Sterngrad's) as well as on Youtube regarding the Maccabeats and their new music video.

This is rant, so be prepared.

There is nothing inherently wrong in the way that Sterngrad wrote that there are elements in "The Purim Song" which don't quite live up to "Candlelight," such as the song choice, repeated imagery, etc. That's having a keen eye and writing honestly about what parts of the content shown in the video didn't quite work for her as a viewer. I can respect a difference of opinions like this post.

Then there are guys who like to mouth off unintelligibly, like "The Prof" and "Burnt Dreadlocks" who remark that the video or the Maccabeats are "gay," then elaborate on their opinions. Another commenter on Youtube "Lothiras" goes on long diatribes defending why he is justified in derogatorily referring to the video and the members of the Maccabeats as "gay."

None of them are in any way doing anything other than shoving both feet further and further down their own throats.

Burnt Dreadlocks wrote in defense of his claim that the Elvis curl worn by Buri Rosenberg in the video is gay by writing "Still, only a certain type of person can mutilate themselves in such a way." "Mutilate?" Someone who decides to split their tongue, insert pieces of metal under the layers of their facial skin, or otherwise surgically and irreparably remove or alter a portion of their anatomy - now that is "mutilation." Clearly, "as a native californian" he is simply overtly homophobic, reads into things, and can't keep his comments to himself.

"The Prof" who also clamored on about Buri's Elvis curl saying "Little things like that drive me nuts!" and then after I wrote that it fits the costume, "I just find the whole thing quite gay. The fountainheads did a much better job." Lastly, when I asked for clarification if he was using "gay" as a slur or literally, he replied "I mean it quite literally. I know that they obviously arent, its just the way they are singing. " Um, why?

Aside from the fact that these two commenters write things that make me suspicious they are one person, the whole discussion is ridiculous and offensive to anyone, homosexual or heterosexual - basically, anyone with a brain who can think.

What about the video seems "gay?" I don't see anything stereotypical, or anything not stereotypically homosexual about what is shown in the video whatsoever. You can say that you liked the Fountainhead version better, that's totally your opinion. But to go on and on about the fact that the Maccabeats are somehow "gay" with no legitimate cause (or at all for that matter) is beyond stupid.

The fact that the members of the Maccabeats have appealing physical features and good voices - that makes them gay? The fact that they sing as a group somewhat reminiscent of boy bands from the late 90's like N' Sync or the Backstreet Boys makes them gay? The fact that they generally depict only men (with the exception of a few little girls in this video) make them gay? Does hanging around at a Purim Seudah with little kids make them gay - is that insinuating that they molest small children?

Or are you upset because the Maccabeats are trying to be as far reaching as possible in their video's appeal to all sectors of observant Judaism and don't depict women dancing or singing? Not to critique the religious observance of The Fountainheads or their video, but are you more interested in their version because it shows women who sing, dance, and wear pants? I don't believe they had an irreligious agenda with their video - they did it for fun just as the Maccabeats have and geared their video toward a different crowd. But because the Maccabeats don't appeal to your heterosexual drive by not featuring attractive women doing things that might make you excited, you decide they're "gay?"

Utterly ridiculous.

It's particularly troublesome to see that at least some of the people making these comments are seemingly learned, religious people and yet, don't "get it." Just because the larger portion of Maccabeat fans are girls because they admittedly find them handsome and enjoy their voices, and that doesn't appeal to you - you decide to pull out your unsurprisingly limited supply of derogatory and insulting comments?

True, there were plenty of comments coming from both men and women - all irreligious or gentile (most infamously Gaby Dunn)- when Candlelight was released that suggested the Maccabeats "spice" up their videos with "hot" women or by making the Maccabeats themselves appear "sexier" to the female perspective. I can't blame those people for making these comments - they enjoyed the video for what it was, but also have a standard in their mind for what defines successful musical artists and their music videos: sex appeal.

The Maccabeats clearly have no desire to be just another group in the pritzus-filled society that surrounds and envelopes us everywhere in the world nowadays. To that, I say kol hakavod! Who needs seductive images that stimulate the sex drive when you have catchy vocal performances, beautifully cinematic visuals, and doses of engaging humor thrown in for good measure? The success of the Maccabeats has nothing to do with these baser elements that the vast majority of secular artists out there (I won't say all, since I'm no expert in current pop-music) use to achieve their fame and make their money?

The Maccabeats aren't out there for fame and fortune. As they say on their website and repeated in various forms during the multitude of interviews they gave during "Candlelight's" rise to fame, their motivation is to entertain and educate, spreading positive messages about Judaism because they are "Strongly committed to the philosophy of Torah u-Madda, the integration of traditional and secular wisdom..."

I am so very proud of what my fellow YU students and alumni have accomplished. As I wrote about in my post summing up my thoughts on the success of "Candlelight," I think all the publicity is deserved and wonderful. This is the type of news and media attention that Orthodox Jews need, and we are all truly blessed by the beautiful response by so many people out there who watch these videos, Jew and gentile alike.

My message to all the guys - and they are almost all guys - who remark how "gay" the Maccabeats and "The Purim Song" is, start thinking with your brains and not some other part of your anatomy.

Enjoy the music for what it is, listen to the overt positive messages the Maccabeats and Uri Westrich are trying to convey, and if you have nothing nice or constructive to say, please shut up.

Macca-Pirsumei Nisa

Wow! A lot can happen in a week in a half. Start off with one well-made Youtube video and with several millions of hits later, you can end up on national television, such as the CBS Early Show:

Now that The Maccabeats have become world reknown (kudos to them for braving the freezing weather, not just for CBS but for CNN as well), I kind of miss their usual dorm performances at candle-lighting. Granted, I'm not in the dorms anymore (thanks ASoG J) but there was always something special added to the already incredible feeling of lighting in the dorms when they made their appearance and sang a medley of Chanukah songs.

For those readers who didn't go to YU in the past few years, here are two of these performances:

From two years ago:


Last year:


I am really floored with the national and international reaction to "Candlelight." Aside from all the general media attention because the song and video are clever, cute, hip, etc, etc, it has been wonderful to see the reaction from the viewers. So many Jews, otherwise unaffiliated or uninvolved with Chanukah, are reconnecting to the holiday. The video isn't just a gimmick, it is, as Immanuel Shalev (Maccabeats Associate Director) commented this NY Times article, an amazing example of pirsumei nisa.

I don't think there is a better example in the history of the observance of Chanukah has there been such an overt example of publicizing the miracle of Chanukah. This is how the world media, the internet, Youtube, etc can be used to spread a positive image for Judaism and create an immense kiddush HaShem.

Previous popular Chanukah songs/videos, such as the Adam Sandler variety, which merely are out there to be pop culture savvy and basically make no mention of the momentous, divine victory over our enemies or the Menorah in the Beis Hamikdash remainign lit for 8 days. Yes, those productions are cute, even if they often toe or cross the lines of innappropriateness (South Park anyone? What about Sandler's drug reference at the end of an otherwise innocuous perfomance?), The Maccabeats have created a pure and fun, video that spreads the message of what Chanukah is really about. They do it in a way that is palatable to the masses, which is ever-so-important with the vast numbers of our brethren so assimilated into the general society and alienated - whether intentionally or merely as a by-product of being considered under the label of Tinok Shenishba.

Begin Rant.

Unknown to many, there is another "Dynamite" Chanukah video out there starring three young brothers (which was coincidentally posted 2 weeks before The Maccabeats). It's another in a series of "cutesy" redubs of popular hip hop/rap songs that have partially rewritten lyrics which toss in a few Jewish terms here and there. While I can't lay any blame on them (they are just kids after all - though the aunt that appears is a bit much), seeing this video makes me almost cry because of how far they are from traditional Torah observance.

Pop culture is their identity. Their videos are not like The Maccabeats or Shlock Rock who have taken a secular niggun and elevated it with meaningful words. It's just shtick, plain and simple, taking the rap/gangster/whatever persona and adding bits of Jewish culture to it, but the ikkar and the tafel are quite clear. Whereas The Maccabeats sing of a "great return to Torah learning" and depict two young men learning b'chevrusa, the "B-Boyz" sing "For generations to come, I'm going to dance and hold a Torah" while mimicking rap star poses.

Um, "hold a Torah?" Why not, uphold the Torah. I'm not arguing that the lyrics could have been better, I simply bemoan the fact that these young boys identify with everything else out there but Judaism as their core identity. It's sad. Really sad. Each of these kids is definitely a Tinok Shenishba. I hope they can take to heart the message of "Candlelight" and Judaism becomes more meaningful in their lives. Perhaps then it will be more than "okay" to be Jewish.

End Rant.

I've never been prouder of having attended YU than I am right now (including the recent Saturday Night Live Dreidelpalooza reference). Forget all those terrible stories of chillel HaShem that have been in the news for the last few years. This is the kind of media attention YU and Jews as a whole needs: meaningful, positive, and total Kiddush HaShem.

Thank you Maccabeats and Uri Westrich for making this Chanukah so much more meaningful for so many people!

A Shabbos Of Many Firsts

This past Shabbos was one of many firsts. It was my first Shabbos spent on the YU campus since the school year ended, as well as my first Shabbos spent on campus any summer since I started my academic career at YU. It’s really kind of lonely with so many people gone, leaving a number of married couples that live here and a handful of June zman guys who decided to rough it out and not go home (although there was a KBY Shabbaton this week, which probably encouraged some guys to stay).

Without caf meals to rely upon, I had to figure out what I was going to do for food. A friend of mine living on the other side of the Heights really came through and helped me find a night meal after I successfully received an invite for lunch. Both meals were enjoyable, but of totally opposite character.

The Friday night meal was on the other side of the Heights, and was my first singles-only Shabbos meal. I also davened at Mount Sinai shul, a supposed hotbed of singles activity, for the first time ever. Sure, I had been there once or twice before to attend concerts (notably, Shlomo Katz concerts), but I’ve never had a reason, nor desire to daven there before. I found that the stereotypes are largely true. Throughout davening, there were young men and women congregating in the empty social hall, located right next to the sanctuary (the men have to walk through it to get to their seats) as well as in the adjacent hallway schmoozing it up with one another, and that was just the beginning…

The davening itself was a bit lackluster. The chazzan (I doubt he’s necessarily to blame) started off Lechu Neranena in the Carlebach style, but then didn’t sing much else until Lecha Dodi. He used a few Carlebach endings, oddly enough, while singing mostly by himself. On the whole, I was very underwhelmed by the overall lack of congregational interest in singing/davening together. I must commend them for singing Vayechulu together though, which I don’t see so often. It’s kind of funny, because you’re supposed to say it together with other people, to the point where if you daven Shemonah Esrei too long and miss the congregation’s recitation, that you should grab someone else and have him say it with you. Yet, in most shuls when the chazzan gets to Vayechulu, everyone just starts off belting it out or mumbling it on their own, almost like a race.

It is also true that the men and women basically face one another, with two sections for each along the northern and southern walls, women behind the men with a mechitza made of interlocking metal bars that are somewhat easily seen through. I kept my hat pulled low over my eyes when sitting in my seat, or did my best to direct my gaze strictly forward when standing and facing east. I was basically successful in my attempt to avoid visual distractions during davening, though I imagine many find such an arrangement entertaining or interesting.

Anyway, after Adon Olam, the real ‘fun’ began. I had seen my friend earlier, but quickly lost sight of him as soon as the crowd started flowing into the large, open social hall for the prerequisite post-davening socializing/get-together. A few hundred (I’m bad at guesstimation) young men and women were milling about in small groups chit-chatting with one another. Truth be told, I really couldn’t handle the “scene,” I was definitely overwhelmed by the immensity of it all. I saw old classmates from YU, guys who went to Israel with me, a few married guys I knew, a girl or two I went out with – though I observed most of them from afar, only choosing to actually catch up with a few of the guys I knew. I’m not entirely against social interaction with girls, and if people are utilizing the opportunity to really meet members of the opposite gender, more power to them. It just wasn’t my thing.

I must mention that this started at around 9:40 PM and was going quite strong by the time my friend and I left with our hostess well after 10 PM. I don’t know about all those other young guys and gals, but I was hungry by that point. I guess the desire for social interaction trumps food sometimes (though they often go together).

We proceeded to head over to our hostess’ apartment where I sat down to my first singles’ meal, about twelve men and women in total, split evenly give or take.

Surprisingly, or should I say thankfully, the whole meal wasn’t awkward at all. It was quite fascinating to watch the male-female dynamics of the conversation. The hostess and her apartment-mates did most of the cooking, and guests brought things like the wine, challah, and the dessert (I had offered to bring something, but it was all taken care of by the time I was invited). We reminisced about 90’s TV shows, did an ice breaker or two, and generally talked about all sorts of random stuff.

I also had my first glimpse into this ‘other world’ of singles, which I had never experienced before. While I’m sure that sort of life works for some/many frum singles out there, it’s not something I ever want to be a part of. The whole existence affects the people there, and I could see it in both the guys and girls I ate Shabbos dinner with. I don’t necessarily think it’s a pgam per se, since for many, living in such a community is a necessity for finding a spouse (or so many claim), but it definitely changes a person. I’ve gone out with girls who live over there, and each time the shidduch was very short lived, for reasons I might understand better now.

I think there is a marked difference between the YU side and the Mount Sinai side of the Heights. The YU side, understandably, exists in an atmosphere that is permeated by the yeshiva. The main beis medrish is the center of the community (especially in its new location), and included with that edifice are the many great roshei yeshiva we have. It’s vastly different from having a shul with just one rabbi (as great as Rabbi Schwartz, a YU musmach, is). I honestly feel a greater sense of community around YU than I did at Mount Sinai. Even though you might have singles on both sides (though more women there than here), everything on the Mount Sinai side seemed so disconnected, akin to the social butterflies flitting back and forth during the “scene” following Ma’ariv. Whereas at YU, even those not married still orbit around the yeshiva, with a firm tether that keeps them grounded in a Torah reality. I don’t mean to belittle the men and women at Mount Sinai at all, but their primary focus seemed to be each other and not the davening/shul.

Now that I’ve probably offended any single readers who live over there (and feel free to express your opinions/rants in comment form), I’ll talk about my other “first” experience, which was my lunch meal.

Bad For Shidduchim, Frum' N Flipping, A Blob of Something Different, and other bloggers (mostly of the female variety, to the best of my recollection) have all written posts about their friends moving on, getting married, and already having kids, thus making them feel all the more left out. While I have had a large number of friends who have already gotten married, and a few here and there who have begun having children, I never really encountered the phenomenon in person - until now. For the most part, as many have already observed and discussed to death, married people tend to form their own little social circles, to the exclusion of their still-single friends. I can now report firsthand that being around such friends can be a bit alienating.

It had been a while since the last time I shared a Shabbos meal with this particular friend and his wife, but that was back when they were newlyweds. Now, around a year and a half later, they have a cute baby daughter. The other guests included another married couple, along with their own baby son, and another friend, whose wife is expecting. Conversation centered around the babies on hand, general tips and tricks for raising children, including feeding and nap habits, as well as fun topics such as morning sickness. As the only single person at the meal, I was left utterly without a word to contribute to the discussion half of the time. Despite the fact that I was sitting right there at the same table, eating the same delicious food, it almost seemed like I wasn’t in the room. I can’t blame any of them for unintentionally excluding me, and in the end I did learn some things from simply sitting quietly and listening to all the back-and-forth dialogue.

I was also a slightly overwhelmed by the enormity of what it means to be married, take care of a home, and have/raise kids. I don’t think that many people honestly take these things into consideration so much while dating. As much as I believe I’ve basically reached the limit to my functionality as a single man, I have quite a lot to learn about being a husband and father. True, most of that education is collected from “on-the-job” experience, but I know I could prepare myself more. I have been reading dating books for a long time now (since Shana Bet, in fact), and now the thought occurred to me that maybe I should move onto reading marriage and child-raising books… As I once heard in a shiur, the time to read and absorb dating/marriage books is NOT when you’re already engaged, because it’s too late at that point to effect any major change in any traits you might be lacking. Hence, the right time to head to the bookstore is during the time you’re single or even before you really start dating. I now think the same goes for marriage and child rearing. Though I imagine those books aren’t quite as exciting as ones about dating/how to find your bashert. I may just switch to the marriage books and hold off and the child-rearing titles for now.

Both meal experiences were like glimpses into potential futures. One, wherein I have graduated YU unmarried and still need to find my wife, the other, a bit further along in time, after I’ve gotten married and started my family. While the whole married with kids thing is a definite aspect of my future (please G-d), I’m really not too keen on being one of those social singles hanging out on the other side of the Heights. It really felt like a way station for people who have become “stuck” in life, unable to transition from singlehood to marriage, for whatever reason. I think I can better empathize with those who are unfortunately enduring that existence (some of whom have been there for many years).

One solution to this “crisis,” which I’ve mentioned before, is that people should set others up with those they’ve gone out with before. If your ex-shidduch was an all around decent person, and just didn’t match up with you, why not recommend him/her to a friend who you think would be more appropriate? If we all consciously networked together, I think we could avoid the haphazard socializing that I saw Friday night after shul.

May we all skip (or quickly move beyond) that frustrated, still-single stage in life!

I’ll end with a quote I once heard from Rabbi Orlian, one of the sganei mashgiach here at YU, when he asked me if I was busy and I replied in the affirmative:

“If it’s the right one, may it be quick. If not, may it be quicker!”

Konochi-wa! I Vant To... *Check* Your Blood?

The BBC has posted an interesting story about how people in Japan are resorting to dating by blood type (you know, A, B, AB, O and all that). According to Japanese beliefs/culture/whatever, different blood types have different personalities, so knowing the blood type of a potential spouse can be a good indicator of how well the two people will get along.

I always wondered why author-provided profiles of anime/manga characters listed blood type, which seemed like such a random stat to mention. Now I can say that I am a bit wiser on the subject.

The article mentions "The received wisdom is that As are dependable and self sacrificing, but reserved and prone to worry." I happen to be an A-, at least according to my New York Blood Center card, and the description is pretty accurate, I think.

However, the whole notion is quite preposterous as the article goes on to discuss. From a slightly more scientific standpoint there may be basis for a genetic predisposition to some traits, which I extensively lampooned in my story, "Shidduchim of the Near Future: Don't Wear Genes on a Date."

Despite the inherent chukas-goyim aspect of all this, I really hope that shidduch crazy sectors of our society never catch onto this nonsense. Otherwise, we'd have yet another silly thing to add to our shidduch research checklists.

P.S. I linked the printable version of the article because the regular website had a not-tziyus (as in unclothed) drawing in one of the suggested article icons at the bottom of the page. The picture could easily have been cropped to be more modest, but I guess it's true when they say that "sex sells." What a world we live in...

A Dating Case Study: Dave and Buster's

I’ve always thought that a date at Dave and Buster’s can be a very informative (not to mention fun) experience. For those who are have never been there before, Dave and Buster’s is a national chain of arcades the feature many different kinds of video games and other similar gaming activities (such as air hockey, basketball cabinets, and skeeball). In a sense, Dave and Buster’s is a Chuck-E-Cheese for adults, as odd of a concept as that is.

Many people have made the case (almost always from the female perspective) that dates at Dave and Buster’s and similar venues are entirely male-centered, since guys love video games. These bloggers remark that the girl basically suffers through the date while the guy makes an unsuccessful attempt to demonstrate the great fun to be had in this type of leisure “guy” activity. His failure to really engage his date’s interest becomes the focal point for girls’ objection to these types of dates.

Empirically, I have found this is not the case, for the most part. When I started dating, Dave and Buster’s was just an activity that was a worthwhile 2^nd or 3^rd date, since it changes the pace of the more conversation oriented 1^st or 2^nd date and gives you something to physically do. The various games available aren’t as physically involving as say, playing a game of 1-on-1 basketball together (which, aside from being a presumably rare occurrence in general, presents a number of potential shomer negiah issues, among other difficulties). However, the selection of games is definitely more engaging than playing checkers or Bananagrams.

Granted, there are certain video games that can arguably be said to be more male-centric, such as first person shooters (the games with the guns). However, I have found many dates (though not all) have had no real problem cooperatively playing as government agents responding to a terrorist threat (as in the Time Crisis series). I definitely steer clear of the more gory zombie-related titles (since I myself don’t enjoy them), but I am often pleasantly surprised how interested, and talented dates can be when playing these games.

That genre aside, the majority of the games are equally attractive to both genders. Who doesn’t enjoy a good game of that timeless classic Pac-Man? Another good example are racing games, whether standard versions or the more wacky (and in my opinion more fun) Mario Kart. I’m not particularly good at racing games in general, so participating in a fun bit of competition in a safe fashion (quite unlike street racing, or even go-carts) can draw out certain aspects of a person’s personality that he/she may otherwise be actively trying to keep in check, thereby providing a better glimpse of who they really are.

While dating, and certainly at the start of a shidduch, most everyone (hopefully) does their utmost to maintain their most professional, courteous, best-foot-forward presentation of him/herself. At some point in the relationship, the daters need to start “letting their hair down,” and get past the expertly organized façade that generates the awkward interactions we all experience during those first few outings. Some people try to artificially construct “tests,” such as the infamous red light car-key grab and bait (I have yet to determine the authenticity of this story).

I’m not such a fan of deliberately forcing such situations to get someone to reveal the artificially hidden, though true, aspects of their date’s temperament. Things go wrong on dates, regardless of how much planning is involved. Examples of my own personal experience include picking a Starbucks that ends up having no seats (either from over-patronage, or inconvenient store layout), Starbucks that lacked a functional bathroom (either from store layout, or plumbing malfunction) – both circumstances requiring somewhat lengthy treks, sometimes in unpleasant weather conditions, to find a suitable store. Another example is those awkward encounters accompanied by prolonged conversations with random interlopers who butt into your date-in-progress and won’t take the polite hint to leave.

In short, there are many different, randomly generated (or probably more accurately, Hashgacha Pratis arranged) little bumps along the road that give you an opportunity to see how your date reacts under non-ideal conditions.

Nevertheless, I think a little healthy competition can be helpful in breaking down the barriers purposely raised between the guy and girl. One specific area where this manifests itself is the general idea of the guy displaying a particular prowess he may have at one particular game (or in general). Should the guy, who may arguably be the better player or have more practice, freely compete in the game, or should he let his date win?

At first, I wrestled with this idea in my own mind, or discussed it with my male friends on the theoretical level. More recently, I’ve even begun bringing up the notion on actual dates. My friends typically didn’t have a clear answer, or thought it was nicer to not dominate every game and let the date win every now and then. Most dates, when presented with the question, have basically said that there is no real reason to “go easy” on them.

As a result, there are times where I’ve been beaten into the ground in certain games. I have very rarely won at Skeeball; I simply have no knack for it. On the one occasion that I went bowling on a date (which has its own truckload of awkward moments), I was soundly beaten twice! This was, and is, for me one my most embarrassing moments in dating thus far. Perhaps this stemmed from the fact that skeeball is a distant cousin to bowling, or maybe she was just that much better than I was, offense to my male ego notwithstanding.

Air hockey is also a good source of competition, and a game that my dates are usually very into. As such, air hockey matches can get pretty intense. Aside from the comparison of skill level, there are also surprising moments that can generate unexpected reactions – such as scoring a goal on yourself, thereby giving away a free point – or worse, unintentionally handing over the victory. True, the overall significance of who wins the match is rather minimal, but emotional outbursts in the positive (expressions of sportsmanship) or negative (being a sore loser) can come to the forefront. If someone can brush off a loss, or two, that shows (in my view) a microcosmic healthy perspective on life. The converse example, if someone becomes overtly angry and determined to “pay you back” over such a trivial defeat, can be very indicative of possessing an easily excitable temper or other negative trait.

Dance-Dance Revolution (DDR) is an interesting game in general, and particularly so on a date. The series originated in Japan (as most mainstream games do) and became a part of the social culture of Japanese youth. After introduction on our shores, the innovative new way of game-play was also a hit, and I very often see a dating couple playing DDR in arcades.

I freely admit that I’m not very good at DDR, but I always suggest it as a sort of inquiry into how adventurous my date is. The ridiculousness of stepping and hopping to the beat of some techno-y J-Pop (Japanese pop) song can certainly serve as a big ice-breaker for the developing relationship. Most girls, from my experience, won’t even consider playing the game. Certainly, the method of play can get a bit embarrassing, particularly if you can’t keep up with the directional arrows that tell you where to step when and how much (I find the split left-right / front-back combinations the most difficult).

Someone may also be wondering if this is a violation of mixed dancing of some sort. I’m not so sure, but am inclined to say no – there are two separate dance pads and no actual physical interaction, or even dancing with one another. You’re basically bouncing up and down side-by-side for several rounds of pop-induced silliness - though I have seen some players who take the game extremely seriously, which would seem to suck a the fun out of it for me (as impressive as it is to see the really good DDR fans go at it). In any event, DDR also provides a bit of a work-out, which always makes me wonder if I should warn girls ahead of time that they shouldn't wear heels (though I've never encountered the issue before). It might sound strange if I request that they wear their 'dancing shoes,' though.

Claw/crane machines provide a good outlet for the guy to show off his skills (should he have any), and if he’s successful, he can win a cute little stuffed animal for his date. I happen to be better at these games than most guys (based on an unscientific poll from a number of friends), so I often successfully snag one (or more) plushy critters for my date. Every date finds it pretty impressive when I win, though I do wonder what the girls who I’ve gone out with in the past have done with those mementos after the relationship ended…

Which brings me to my final point (and the inspiration for this entire post) – I have found that one crucial part of a Dave and Buster’s date to be a very accurate indicator regarding the future of a shidduch. A number of games, such as basketball, skeeball, and a few others will dispense prize tickets depending on how many points you score. If you and/or your date are talented, you end up acquiring a good number of tickets by the end of the night – which of course leads to the obligatory ticket count and visit to the prize room. I have always taken dates to the prize room (with its ridiculously priced toys and knickknacks) to try and get her something as a reminder/conclusion of the evening.

Here’s my key observation: Every date willingly accompanies me to check out all the goodies on display, after all, it’s fun to see all the fun (big stuffed animals) and strange (crock-pots?!) things they have. However, only girls that expect to go on at least two more dates (meaning the relationship has some substance) lets me use our collected tickets to get her a prize. No one can turn down the stuffed animals obtained from claw machines, but it seems like they feel guilty if they’re planning to dump me and don’t want to “waste” the ticket total on my little Dave and Buster’s card (it works like a debit card, basically). Almost every time, any girl that declines a redeeming the tickets for a prize will end the relationship after that date, or give it one shot and then reject me.

With my recent streak of short-lived shidduchim, I’ve amassed quite the number of tickets on my card which just sit unused in my wallet. Maybe the date that actually decides to redeem them for a prize (and by the time that happens, I could have enough to get something more than ordinary) will also be the one…?

Popular Culture Conundrum

I've been ruminating about this for a while now, so prepare yourselves for an onslaught on pop culture-ness. Sound the klaxxons!

For the most part, I think everyone, excluding the stark raving anti-TV/movie types, or anyone simply sheltered enough from the world who might say "vus es D-V-D?" has had some exposure to the popular culture around us, in some form or another. Continuing along that train of thought, most people probably have an interest in a specific TV show, movie, book series, musical artist, sports team or something of that nature. I would also venture to presume that some, though maybe not all, people have a very vested interest in one of these bits of entertainment that is very dear to their heart.

But where does one draw the line between, "Oh that's cute, I can live with that," and "When are you going to grow up already?"

In other words: with regard to a shidduch candidate, when is an interest in an element of pop culture "permissible," and when does it become too much to bear?

Disclaimer: The examples I'm going to use do not necessarily reflect any personal interest of mine, but are rather things I am aware of, to one degree or another, in the great big world of pop culture. So don't point at me and ask where my pocket protector is or what color my suspenders are - especially since I own neither. Also, as much as I may attempt to keep this as gender neutral as possible, I will probably speak more about the guy than the girl, and will use male pronouns, since guys seem (from my perspective) to have more of an issue with this than the girls do.

Let's start with a stark contrast. What's the difference between someone who is devoted to a more mainstream TV series like "Lost" and someone who is an X-Files devotee? Both are fairly popular among the masses, but if your shidduch prospect believes "The Truth Is Out There" as a fundamental personal aphorism - is that a stigma on his/her head?

A lot of people have a hobby to collect an item of some sort. What's the distinction between your crazy aunt Ethel who collects salt and pepper shakers of all different variations and a potential shidduch who has a few shelves full of Transformers robot action figures?

It would seem to me that most people would brush off tanta Ethel as having an odd, but respectable hobby, whereas the shidduch prospect would be castigated as never having graduated the 5th grade.

But is it right to do that? If the guy goes to minyan three times a day without fail, has a set, regular chevrusa, dresses and acts like a mentsch, is observant of every aspect of halacha in a serious fashion, but is a "Lord of the Rings" fanatic - which includes the movie-authentic Elven armor that he made and wears to the occasional comic convention - does he then have a pgam (blemish) against him?

A lot of people often have some sort of novelty toy or little pop-icon tsochke sitting on their desk at work (or home). The "typical" person has something like a little squishy stress relief ball with some inspiring catchphrase scrawled on it. Would it make a difference if he had a Power Ranger action figure instead? What if he had two or three different action figures on his desk/shelf?

What if he's into comic books? Some may say, "that's kind of cool, I like Bat-Man too. After all, The Dark Knight was a great film!" But what if he has 800 individual issues of DC comics bagged and stored in boxes his attic that he has been collecting since he was 11 and never stopped?

I have a friend who is a HUGE comic book fanatic. Aside from a collection of comic books of a size that I can't even begin to guesstimate, he actually interned at Marvel Comics as a script editor for a summer job. Even post Shana Bet, he had a small book shelf in his dorm room that held trade paperback collections of his favorite story arcs from Spider-Man and other series. He also has an incredible passionate spiritual side, is very talented in learning, gives an amazing shiur, and happens to be happily married to a someone, who I am fairly certain, has probably never read an issue of Captain America in her life. So how did he manage that?

If you happen to okay with someone who can recite Weird Al Yankovic's "The Sage Begins" by heart, when is such geekdom considered too much? Let's say that every year for Purim he creates a fantastically detailed costume from one of the Star Trek series. Is it then okay for him to regularly attend Trekkie conventions? Assuming you come to really like the guy, would you ever accompany him to such an event? Perhaps even wear (egad!) a costume with him? Even if you wouldn't go that far, would you let him go off with his best buddy to experience the geek-fest together - or is the whole premise enough to make your skin crawl?

Is there a tolerable level of fanboy-ness, and is that tolerance based on what the interest is? In think there are different areas of pop culture/fandom that have become mainstream "guy stuff" enough to be written off without a second thought. I my view, the gold standard of such female-to-male toleration is the ever popular realm of sports. The typical guy has his team (or teams), and heaven help you if he misses a game, especially if they made it to the play-offs or championship. From my own experience, even wives/significant others who don't even have a passing interest in football will join in on the excitement of a Superbowl party.

Why is this guy's "obsession" any more readily acceptable than say, a guy who is an "otaku" - and is really into Japanese comics and cartoons (AKA Anime and Manga). A show like "Naruto Shippuden" has a storyline more compelling, characters far more engrossing, cerebral thematic elements, moral lessens, cinematic value and high-level action that outshines most every mainstream American live-action (meaning human actors as opposed to animated) show on TV. Yet, the typical shidduch dater would dismiss a guy who enjoyed that show as being immature for watching "cartoons." Someone who watches "Family Guy" or "The Simpsons" is probably okay for the most part, whereas our anime-loving example guy would be pushed aside as having childish interests. Those two shows feature far more offensive and downright unfunny/juvenile humor, so why are they acceptable? There is a clear difference between American children's cartoons and the far more stimulating and interesting Japanese Anime that are out there (presuming he stays away from any shows with inappropriate/untzniyus content).

There are also areas that seem to be changing and evolving to become more female friendly, yet still retaining its essential "guy thing" nature. Case in point: video games. I don't think the typical girl "in the parsha" would think that a guy who spends hours plopped on the couch in front of an XBOX 360 blasting his friends to pieces in Halo is a suitable marriage candidate. But what if his console of choice was the Nintento Wii, which has revolutionized how people of all ages approach video games? No longer is the typical video gamer the 14-30 year-old male - females of all ages (even grandmothers) are getting into the Wii-craze.

I actually had a date once at a now defunct arcade-type place where you could rent video game systems by the hour. We rented a Wii and played the Wii Sports game, which has a number of different sporting events that are controlled by the ever-nifty Wii-mote. While I was better at baseball and bowling, she annihilated me in boxing. Yes, BOXING. We had a blast, and I wish the venue was still open so that I could take other dates there.

So are video games totally taboo anymore?

I presume that most serious YU guys have very little time for consistent, prolonged gaming (unless they either don't take their learning seriously, or their secular studies, or both). Just as a reminder, I am also not referring to the yeshivish guys who sit in the beis medrish 24/7. But is it so wrong if he has an occasional gaming session, especially if he's being social and playing against/with a friend or two?

What if he retains an active interest in some pop culture element from his childhood, say "Fraggle Rock," or "GI Joe?" Is it wrong to still find "The Muppets"charmingly hilarious even after passing the two decade mark into the adult world?

Serious bonus points to anyone who recognizes/can name most of/all the characters that appear in the above Muppet video.

What about all the people who are "Harry Potter" fanatics? Or the current fad, the Twilight series of books and movies (which admittedly have a heckuva lot less tzniyus content than the "snogging" of the Potter novels). I think the pop culture thing can work both ways, since I tend to find that girls are more interested in these two series than guys. I don't think I have a right to be judgmental about a potential shidduch who happens to be in love with reading each new "Twilight" release (objectionable content aside).

I know there are girls out there that have mutual interests in these areas, as commenter Moshe on Bad For Shidduchim has mentioned that his own wife shares similar "geeky" interests. Yosef, another commenter there, has a wife who indulges his more guy-type pop culture interests (Star Wars), while they reach a mid-point of sorts and "bond" over things such as "Harry Potter" and The Princess Bride.

So I guess there is hope out there for us slightly geekier (or fully geekified) guys out there. Now I just need to find my own princess whom I can call "your worshipfullness."