My, What Rosy Colored Glasses You Have

Recently, a popular subject of discussion on Bad For Shidduchim has been pet peeves caused by roommates/spouses that crop up and lead to bouts of annoyance and frustration for those sharing the same living space (I wrote about this somewhat extensively here). Granted, behaviors such as noisy phone calls or other activities that disturb sleep are quite unwelcome, but other things, such as hanging the toilet paper in the under or over-hand fashion and how one chooses to squeeze the toothpaste tube, seem quite innocuous.

I can understand how maddening it can be if you step all over clipped toenails littering the floor, encounter shaved hair strewn about the bathroom sink, or dirty clothes piled up in various corners of a room instead of the hamper, but are the manners of utilizing/preparing toothpaste and toilet paper so offensive?

While both ASoG and I squeeze the toothpaste from the top or middle, the concept of being provoked by an alternate squeezing method is just absurd. I can empathize if the person squeezes the tube from the middle until applying pressure from that area no longer produces anything to brush his/her teeth with, and instead of wisely squeezing from the bottom to use the rest contained within, decides to throw out the whole thing. That’s ridiculous and wasteful, like trying to cram a square peg into a circular opening and giving up when the square opening is one slot over. And if you really are bugged beyond your limitation of tolerance for this sort of thing – just use two different toothpaste tubes, and shalom al Yisrael.

Regarding hanging toilet paper, I prefer over-hand, while ASoG generally tends to hang under-hand out of habit, not preference. While I find that hanging over-handed makes the toilet paper more accessible, whenever I notice that ASoG inserted a new roll “upside down” (to my mind), I simply flip it over. She doesn’t seem to mind my reversal, and everyone wins.

As a side note, can anyone explain to me the reason why hanging toilet paper under-handed is at all beneficial? You end up having to reach into the recessed area of the holder to find the detached end if there isn’t any paper overtly visible, whereas the overhand method always presents the free end to the user.

Everything in life has its proper use and time. I wrote about this a while ago in reference to being single versus being married, with a tie-in to the concept found in Koheles. In this post, I want to address the idea of viewing life through rose-tinged glasses, as the saying goes.

In dating, viewing your prospective mate through the filtered lens of the “rose-tinged glasses” is a huge mistake. Firstly, you could easily overlook major red flags that would be deal breakers and make your life as a married person utterly miserable, possibly to the point of needing a to break an engagement or have a divorce, Rachmana latzlan.

I always thought it was interesting that “red” flags could be so easily masked by this “rosy” frame of view.

Additionally, you need to be fully aware as many of those little nit-picky, potentially annoying quirks that your date possesses. Why, might you ask? Because you need to have an honest conversation with yourself to determine if you can live with these idiosyncrasies, because they aren’t going anywhere once you give/receive that wedding band under the chuppah. I say “as many of” because it’s impossible to know everything about the person, including some of their eccentricities, until you are living as husband and wife.

And yet, that is where the rose-tinged glasses are entirely appropriate.

Once you’re tied the knot, thus making one of the biggest (if not the biggest) decisions of your life, you need to don those pinkish lenses to filter out the little things that pop up here and there and focus on the greater picture of the wonderful person you married. After you’ve seen everything that’s truly important, such what his/her personality is, how he/she handles stress, expresses anger and disappointment, who his/her friends and family are and how he/she relates to them, not to mention hashkafos, level of religious commitment, and views on future lifestyle and child rearing, you know in your heart that you want to spent the rest of your life with this wonderful person. At that point, both husband and wife need to back off focusing on the little things, which truly have no real significance in the overall functioning of their marriage.

I’m not talking about harmful habits, or things that disturb one’s emotional/psychological peace, or undermines their health and wellbeing. I’m referring to all those “pet peeves,” which can be sensitively addressed – as long as both partners are willing to work together, one being patient, encouraging and understanding, while the other proactive, determined to work on his/herself, and willing to accept making a mistake or two on the road to improvement.

Yes, things have come up here and there in the few months that ASoG and I have been married, and most times we have successfully negotiated a compromise that worked out for both of us. In a few instances, certain issues have led to more heated discussions, but the attitude of perceiving the other person for the sum total of amazing things that made us want to marry the other has prevailed in the end. That is one of the key lessons to be learned and applied to have an effective and successful marriage.

So while you are still single, find out as much as you possibly can about the other person’s habits, good and bad. Talk to roommates, former roommates, and ex-roommates to inquire about your personal concerns in a spouse (the difference between the last two is where one graduated/got married/moved away and the other left because they couldn’t stand living with the guy/gal).

Once you are married, it behooves you to see the forest, not the trees, and appreciate your spouse for all the positive, heartwarming things that brought you together in the first place and made the idea of marriage a welcome one in your mind and heart.

If you find yourself still “in the parsha,” stash those rose-colored glasses away. If you’re already married, bring ‘em out and wear them 24/7 – both you and your spouse will be happier for it. Get all googly-eyed and wistful, sigh in ardor when your mind wafts to thoughts of your beloved – in short, do all that stuff that you used to do when you were dating and what should be bottled up and stored for use after sheva brachos are over (and sometimes, even during sheva brachos, considering how stressful they often are).

May everyone use their own personal pair of rose-tinted glasses at the right time and with the right person!

I'm Done...

...with wanting/having a male roommate, that is. Gotcha, didn't I?

Anyway, this is basically a rant, so please read it at your own peril.

Bad4's recent post struck a bit of a chord with me, though I imagine she doesn't have this problem because she is lucky enough to live at home (which can be annoying for other reasons), unlike my out-of-towner reality.

I've written about the trials and tribulations of roommates, as well as the lessons to be learned from the experience of sharing such close quarters with someone not related to you in a previous post. However, I think I've reached my limit of knowledge (and tolerance) when it comes to permanently living alongside another member of my own gender (which doesn't exclude temporary living conditions, such as the upcoming Shavuos Torah Tours).

Why, might you ask, my dear readers? I think it's primarily due to all the issues I've mentioned in the past, be it snoring or otherwise, as well as a more recent increase in lack of concern for my well being. Granted, I'm not looking for attention or a nurse to take care of me, but when your roommate stays confined to the room for two days in PJs due to a severe stomache ache/virus, barely subsisting on gingerale and saltines, OR when he arrives back from a weekend away with his hand/arm all wrapped up in gauze due to an unexpected wild animal encounter (true story) and he fails to notice and/or wish a refuah shelayma (unlike everyone else around the dorms/on campus), I think something's amiss.

I do think that guys, on the whole, are less attentive and caring than girls are - to a degree. This may also be related to having been spoiled by amazing roommates I've had earlier in my YU career. At this point, however, I think all the really great guys are taken, by equally great roommates, by their beloved wives, or have graduated and moved on to other pastures (meeting/getting to know younger guys and choosing one of them as a roommate is difficult and practically impossible at any rate).

Maybe I've grown tired of immature guy roommates whose only interaction with me (when they're not ignoring me completely and not acknowledging my presence in the room) is to vent their complaints about life/school, never ceasing to be critical of every little thing and even tempering positive comments with a negative conclusion "but it's really, eh" or "it could be better" rather than having legitimate conversation. Even mundane conversation! I miss talking to roommates who enjoy life and have things to say that are worthwhile.

I think I really need that certain someone who actually cares how my day went, and who I in turn will listen to and discuss their own day's activities, because I intrinsically care about them.

I've had roommates like that before - really great roommates, and guess what, they're all married!

Oddly enough, it sounds like my plight is quite similar to that of all the currently-dating girls out there - good guys seem to be in short supply.

At any rate, may we all find our proper, opposite gender roommate soon enough!

Catching Some Zzz... Or Not

Ah, the comforts of being back in my own room! I’ve only just begun the Pesach break and I already feel spoiled compared to my dorm conditions at YU. In particular, I am really enjoying having my own room again. I have always found the necessity of sharing living space to be a bit of a challenge, especially since I grew up as the sole inhabitant of my bedroom for the first 18 years of my life before I shipped out for my Yeshiva in Israel.

I’ve already written a rather extensive post about what can be learned from the experience of having roommates of all different sorts, so please read that if you haven’t seen it already.

Anyway, the sudden presence of serenity, silence, and proper darkness (I’m a little sensitive to light) while sleeping in my own bed – undisturbed by the potential commotions, however slight, caused by a roommate – has gotten me thinking. How do people (male and female) handle this transition of sleeping in the presence/along with another person when married?

For those readers who may have their minds located in the nearest sewage canal, I’m literally talking about sleeping, and not the more intimate side of the married relationship.

One particular former roommate was a very light sleeper (as I mention in the earlier post), and was actually woken up by the mere action of me rolling over (I’m a side-sleeper). I always wondered what would happen to him when he got married, and presumed that the dictum of chazal that say “ishto k’gufo” – “a wife is like his own body” would apply. Hence any potential disturbance caused by future wife would be negated by her united marital status with him, and whatever action/sound she might produce would be as though he himself were the source and thus ignored.

I actually had the chutzpah to ask him about this in a nonchalant fashion not too long ago (he’s been married for over a year now) and he answered that my theory was correct!

As a caveat, and based on my reputation as a man of empirical evidence in regard to such matters, I won’t guarantee similar results for everyone.

One issue that has consistently bothered me, though it has only manifested itself more recently than in years past, is snoring.

I simply can’t stand the sound of someone snoring in my near vicinity when I’m trying to sleep, regardless of the intensity and decibel level of their noise production. I’ve tried earplugs, which either work too well and make me miss my alarm in the morning, or don’t work well enough and my alarm wakes me up, but I can still detect the snoring.

Ladies take note, I have discovered through my own experiences (and via the testimony of some of my friends’ mother’s/aunts) that larger or heavier men tend to snore as a given. It seems the Wikipedia entry corroborates my observation since “Fat gathering in and around the throat” is a cause while one treatment is “to lose weight (to stop fat from pressing on the throat).” One remedy that is much more easily attained is simply to stop sleeping on one’s back – which Chazal/halacha proscribes for men based on other reasons (v’hamayvin yavin). One roommate in Israel, who happened to be a little heavy, would cease snoring after I prodded and beckoned him enough to simply “roll over” onto his side.

However, from the complaints I’ve heard from married women, it seems that men who snore aren’t cured quite so easily. One aunt, who was visiting for a bit, grumbled that she had gotten no sleep the previous night because she forgot her earplugs back home, and my uncle’s snoring nearly shook the walls of their bedroom.

On the other hand, slender guys (a variety which I belong to) seem to have very little tendency to snore. I’ve shared rooms with three, four, and five guys who are within a healthy weight range for their height, and I cannot recall any of them sounding like a hacksaw during the night. That doesn’t rule out the possibility, because there could be other anatomical deviations that create unwanted sound.

Take note any female readers who may intend to date/marry me: I don’t snore, and I have former roommates who can testify to this fact. Not that I ever expect to get a date from this gig, I just had to mention that for the record.

Anyway, I tend to wonder for my own future sleep prognosis – do girls snore, (the Wikipedia article seems to indicate some do), and in general, do people (guys or girls) try to find out this little tidbit of information about the people they date? I’ve honestly had a large degree of difficulty coping with snoring roommates – to the point of sleep deprivation that has negatively impacted on my learning and secular studies in a major fashion. I would really hate to marry a wonderful woman and discover, to my abject horror that I will have to employ earplugs for the entirety of my married life (which will hopefully be the rest of my life).

A related issue is the tendency for some people to flail their limbs while sleeping, which could be quite disturbing for someone sharing the same sleeping space. Interestingly enough, the BBC published an article last year that mentions the historical reality that married couples never used to sleep in the same bed, and that sleeping in separate beds (which is part of our halachic married reality) is actually healthier for both parties involved. As romantic as the idea is of falling asleep in your beloved’s arms, I really wonder how comfortable this arrangement can be.

Any comments, readers?

Window Blinds: My Mortal Enemy

Confession time: I cannot, nor have I ever been able to, properly lower Venetian/pleated blinds on windows. EVER. I've had so many people try to teach me; my parents, other family members, roommates - all with no success.

It's so easy to have the blinds go up - just pull on the little string and away they go - bunching up at the top of the window pane.

But say you want to lower them to block the sunlight, or to prevent people from seeing in your room (for example, you need to change clothing) - how the heck are you supposed to know which of the three strings to pull/gently tug/whatever!? I'm a pretty scientific kind of guy - so I always end up experimenting to see which one will actually do the trick... but at best I am only able to make one side drop lower, and at worse I raise the blinds ever so slightly higher.

It is utterly embarrassing to have to ask my roommate to do this seemingly simple task for me - as I had done numerous times at YU. It eventually gets to the point where I feel bad for him and end up leaving them down rather than continuing to pester him. I almost feel like I'm asking someone to tie my shoes for me, since it appears to be such a simple thing to do...

Case in point - this past Shabbos, which I spent with some distant relatives. The accursed pleated blinds were not only in the guest room where I slept, they were also present in the connected bathroom. Now that's awkward.

Note to all architects/room designers who might be reading this - don't ever, ever, put a window at such a vantage point where people from the street level can see straight into a bathroom. I think this is simply common sense, but maybe not... It would be far more functional (and modest) to place such windows at about shoulder level and above (using a person of average height, maybe 5' 7" or so). With this arrangement, blessed sunlight can enter the room, but any voyeur (intentional or unintentional) will be prevented from visual trespassing.

Thankfully, I figured out how to remain out of sight, or so I hope. My hosts didn't receive any complaints from their neighbors - at least that I am aware of. That would have made for some interesting introductions at shul...

I really hope my future wife (whomever she will be) knows the secret to these blasted window blinds. If not, we're both in trouble... unless we don't have any in our future domicile.

I'm the the middle of writing a longer post, so stay tuned. I figured I'd share something a bit humorous with the readers...

Gut Voch / Shavua Tov!

Roommates: Precursor To Marriage?

I remember participating in an interesting conversation while sitting at the Shabbos lunch table of some family friends a few years ago. The subject of discussion was the daughter of our host, and her plight of not being allowed to return to study in Israel for Shana Bet. Her father was insistent that she begin her college education, and that she had spent enough time focusing on Jewish studies (high school plus Shana Aleph). She was pleading that she could, in fact, attend Touro in Israel and start her college career in the Holy Land. This however, would lead to complications of finding an apartment along with a roommate (or two) to share the rental cost - unlike the previous year where she resided in her seminary dorms.

Another guest at the table remarked, with a twinkle in his eye, that all she had to do to solve her problem would be to find a nice male roommate to share the apartment with her. The comment went over my head, particularly because I wasn't yet dating at the time. I sat there, quite confused, trying to figure out why this frum man would suggest something so scandalous. Then it hit me - he was suggesting she find herself a nice Jewish boy to settle down with.

Insert forehead smack here.

I feel as though I have learned a lot from the roommates I've had over the years that could be/will be relevant in married life. True, I've never had a female roommate before, but living in close quarters with anyone can teach you a thing or two about being courteous, respectful of privacy, and in general being considerate for the other person. You become aware of behavior that you would usually assume is normal and acceptable, but in reality can actually get on a person's nerves and/or offend them. This is especially true, given the vast divide between acceptable male behavior vs. acceptable female behavior (and the fact that we simply don't understand each other at any rate, coming from two very different perspectives). So while I may not be privileged to have insider knowledge on how to live peacefully with a female roommate yet, I can share some experiences I've had that I have found educationally beneficial.

One roommate I had was very meticulous about keeping the room clean, neat and tidy. While I am not the messiest person in the world, I tend to keep my belongings in a fairly organized, slightly disordered fashion. The particular thing that most impressed me was the fact that every Friday/Thursday night, before he went home for Shabbos, he would make sure to empty our trashcan and make his bed. He wasn’t just taking care of a necessary chore, he sanctified that mundane activity into a preparation for the holy Shabbos. That really opened my eyes to the ability to perceive kedusha in everyday life. While I still often fail to make my own bed on Fridays before the onset of Shabbos, I have adopted his practice of clearing out the garbage from my room. It definitely adds to the feel of getting ready to experience the holiest day of the week.

A later roommate made a remark (after several months of sharing the dorm room) that he wondered how our often-full-as-of-Thursday-night garbage bin became "magically" empty when he returned from his Shabbos outings. I informed him that there was nothing even vaguely supernatural about the weekly occurrence and that I had been the one making sure it was taken care of. It happened to be that the garbage was rather full at that moment and he had just topped it in a precarious fashion. After an awkward pause, he finally got the hint and proceeded to empty it himself.

We see from here the importance of recognizing the little things that people (roommates/spouses) do for us. I remember reading somewhere that husbands (most often) fail to realize how many seemingly small things their wives do for them on a regular basis. One example it mentioned was the amount of time she puts into doing his laundry, especially his socks. Aside from washing and drying the socks, very often you have to flip them from being inside out before you fold/roll them. The author mentioned the frustration often felt by a wife from having to repeatedly flip every single sock before folding them. Imagine the difference it makes when a person (you/husband/whoever) simply takes a few seconds to make sure that the socks are oriented the right way when you take them off before throwing them into the clothing hamper. Viewing things from the other person’s perspective, this small change in your daily undressing routine makes them sense that you truly do appreciate all the effort they expend for you.

I figured out that I had been inflicting this annoyance on myself ever since I started doing my own laundry. After reading this article, I made sure to remove my socks so that they didn’t become inverted – and it made such a difference in my laundry processing. So I can verify that this little bit of consideration does work. The basic point is to be aware of even the little things a spouse does for you, and to show gratitude and help out in whatever way you can – even small efforts can be meaningful.

One big area of consideration I have encountered is sleeping habits. I’ve had roommates who had very different sleep schedules. One roommate, who regularly stayed up later than me doing work, actually repositioned his desk so that the lamp wouldn’t shine in my direction while I slept. That evoked great feelings of appreciation within me. The fact that he was sensitive enough to make sure that his own independent activities didn’t impinge upon me was a testament to his character and attentiveness toward those around him.

I had a similar experience where a roommate went to bed much earlier than me, and was also very easily disturbed by noises in the room. I then had to learn how to do things like brushing my teeth putting on my pajamas, and even getting into/positioning myself in bed as quietly as possible so as not to disturb him. True, it was very hard at times to be so silent (especially on the occasion where I accidentally dropped something), but it certainly trained me to be more aware of my roommates personal needs. I don’t think I could live like that for the rest of my life, but it was a valuable educational experience in developing sensitivity.

On the other side of the equation, I’ve had roommates who were very inconsiderate on a regular basis.

Being a guy, I know that there are certain things we take for granted as typical modus operandi, for example: belching. We don’t think it’s such a big deal, especially when we’re younger and think the expulsion of built up gases from our digestive system is hilarious. But, boys do grow into men, and there has to be a certain “legislation” of sorts that regulates this kind of behavior. As an adult, you make an attempt not to publicly show off and belt one out, particularly if you find yourself in mixed company. When you DO happen to belch, you should say “excuse me.”

As a side note, this is most awkward on dates. However, between stifling the developing urge, contorting my mouth to reduce noise level, covering my lower face, and promptly excusing myself without fanfare – I’ve never had any issues or reports from the shadchan that she doesn’t want a second date because of my inappropriate behavior.

Yet, I’ve had a roommate who, as a manner of daily practice, drank soda from the large 3-liter bottles (which is another disturbing point – who DOES that!?) and after noisily slurping several gulps, proceeded to belch loudly without a second thought and without excusing himself. In actuality, he did this multiple times over the course of each single soda chugging session. There was no need to do this at all! I would like to hope that most people can consume a beverage without basically announcing each effort to put the liquid in his mouth and declare his personal satisfaction afterward with unnecessary bodily noises. Do I sometimes belch after drinking soda? Certainly – but not every single time I take a sip!

Other offensive behaviors that I have observed include: eating very noisy/crunchy snacks while chewing with their mouth open when I was trying to study in relative quiet, clipping their nails all over the room (instead of, say, over a trashcan, as I do, to collect the cut nail fragments – aside from any halachic ramifications), maintaining a growing pile of garbage strewn about their part of the room (which encroached on my side of the room as well), and watching movies late into the night on their laptop (with and without headphones), loudly laughing as I attempted to sleep. In all instances, I made an attempt to ask them nicely to refrain from/curtail this behavior and was mostly ignored in response.

I’m not writing this list of previous grievances of past roommates just to air “dirty laundry,” but to make a point. I had never been on the receiving end of these sorts of insensitive behavior before I found myself in these close-quarter living situations. Now I can imagine what it is like when the female members of my family recoil in disgust at my occasional belch at the dinner table, as well as the general female perspective that men can be gross, obnoxious, and unaware of/callous toward others’ needs and feelings. I found these experiences to be profoundly educational in ways that I would never have encountered in any other situation. When you are stuck living with such troublesome conditions day in and day out, it really makes you consider your own habits. I don’t think it is so typical that all guys respond to these behaviors in the negative fashion that I did, but I feel that from my perspective, it was worth being exposed to these circumstances to enhance my own degree of sensitivity toward others – and hopefully my future wife.

Another important lesson I’ve learned from my roommates is learning to understand/tolerate/get along with others of very different hashkafic perspectives. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I’m usually pretty open to hearing out diverse viewpoints and not restricting myself to one particular standpoint. So it sometimes rubs me the wrong way when someone holds to a specific hashkafic view in a very dogmatic fashion, expressing intolerance of others or looking down on people who have a certain hashkafa. I have attempted to reason with some of these people (and it isn’t just one hashkafic brand that does this), and point out that every group has their positive element in addition to their drawbacks – no one is perfect after all. Sometimes that works, and in others I simply give up trying to discuss anything of a hashkafic nature with them, which can become difficult and somewhat alienating.

I once took a bio-ethics course with Rav Dr. Tendler here at YU. Rav Dr. Tendler is known for his strong opinions, so I was fascinated when he began the course by stating a “rule” of sorts regarding why it is important to understand other perspectives (here he was referring to biological/medical ethical issues). He said that even if we know that the other person is utterly wrong, the mere fact that a thinking, intelligent person believes it to be true requires us to do our best to understand what they’re thinking and why.

Aside from the importance of this advice when debating nuanced/controversial topics in bio-ethics, I think this was a great point for life in general and for marriage in particular. People really have a hard time understanding one another – most often because they have their view firmly entrenched in their mind and won’t see the issue in any other way. Clearly, this is not a good approach for establishing harmonious relationships. The whole “putting yourself in the other person’s shoes” may not always work (from my experience), because unless you are literally in their position (which I mentioned with regard to the role-reversal from my bad roommate experiences) it’s hard to visualize how they see things. Instead, be open to what they have to say and make a concentrated effort to listen and comprehend the “what” and “why” of their viewpoint.

I have had success implementing this in some cases, where I just stopped trying to continue the ongoing tension between the roommate and I and forced myself to pay attention to them more. One roommate, who I was initially totally at odds with, eventually became a close friend over the duration of time we shared our room. I can’t guarantee success (as I mentioned above, I myself have had experiences which could not be resolved), but it is certainly worth a shot.

These types of interactions are incredibly important to have now, as a single person, because you’re allowed room for error and the chance to improve your technique. The worst case scenario here is that you’ll find another roommate. Clearly, if one is properly invested in the idea of a permanent marriage – as opposed to today’s societal “normality” of higher than 50% divorce rate – you can’t simply give up and get yourself a new “roommate.” Think of this time as an opportunity or trial-run of sorts. Granted that marriage to, and living with, someone of the opposite gender is an entirely different ballgame, but we all have the obligation to do the utmost we can to be prepared for married life. Singlehood isn’t meant to be simply a time of moping around from loneliness, frantically running from date to date, and hoping to find the right one – we have to be proactive in bettering ourselves as well.

In the end, we all have to learn to live with some elements in a spouse that aren’t exactly identical to the ideal image we have created in our minds. Some things will never change in a person, while others can and will improve with time, sensitive encouragement (not by demanding or issuing ultimatums), and each person’s own desire to please the one they love. It is up to us to determine what our limits are in these areas (while trying our best to be open-minded) and find the right person for us. I think everyone should look at their roommate experiences (past and present) as a source of inspiration for self introspection that will hopefully prove to be of great benefit in their future married lives.