I, Dater

I sit down at the quaint little café table just like every other time.

What’ll it be tonight? Games, sparring, war?

Within minutes, she casually flips her bangs with the back of her hand and I can tell she’s not really interested in me. It oozes from every look and mannerism. The date is effectively over, and now we’re reduced to pure social recreation.

Game on.

She volleys well. She positions herself to receive my remark and then launches another of her own. One more meaningless bit of Jewish geography or fluff piece from her past or something vaguely interesting she read in the news the other day. She doesn’t share anything substantial with me, because what’s the point anyway? As soon as this date is over she’s going to whip out her phone and call the shadchan to tell her it’s a ‘one and done.’

I have to play along, of course. I must be the perfect gentleman, despite the fact that she’s completely and utterly unplugged her mind from our conversation.

I may as well be talking to my dog. At least she’d cock her head to the side, raise her eyebrows and tilt her furry little ears this way and that with interest and rapt attention to my words, even if she has no clue what I was really saying.

Thank G-d, she happens to steal a glance at her watch and notice how late things are getting. She has a paper to write and needs to get back to her dorm. I know it’s a lie because she’d never have gone out in the first place if she had to turn in an assignment tomorrow. She told me so herself when we scheduled our little outing over the phone last week.

I smile and nod politely, offering to take our half-empty foam cups over to the trash bin. She accedes, as she should, thanks me for the favor and for the pleasant evening together in one hurried, mumbled breath. I know deep down she doesn’t mean it, and she thinks this was really a waste of her time. She wanted to but couldn’t, perforce the rules of civility and decency, simply excuse herself and vanish into thin air after she made her judgment call ten minutes after we sat down together.

We don’t even walk together back to the subway station. She wants to get away as soon as possible and waves halfheartedly as she doubles back behind me and heads in the opposite direction, away from the trains that would take her to her dormitory. She probably has other plans or something. In any case, I don’t really care at this point. In fact, I am thankful that I got off easy tonight.

Things don’t always go so smoothly. Especially when things don’t ‘click’ as I would like.

Sometimes hostility brews. I don’t know if it’s because of hashkafic differences or that she just doesn’t like my haircut or the style of my shirt. I can’t recall ever offending a date, but something will just set her off and we begin to go at it like two heavyweight boxers trading blows. We hardly ever raise our voices, though that has happened on occasion. Instead of a meaningful give-and-take conversation, we take turns slugging one another with stories or anecdotes, each trying to outdo the other.

I don’t enjoy this sort of competition, mind you, but I won’t just sit there and let her steamroll me with her frippery. Sometimes it’s about religious topics, whose rabbis and teachers were greater in seminary or yeshiva, sometimes it’s about our childhood experiences, difficulties we’ve been through and survived, or dealing with parents who don’t quite understand what we’ve chosen to become in our level of observance.

Maybe I’ll get a second date out of those girls, but very little changes during the second or third outing. I know deep down that my wife will be inherently different from me in a vast multitude of ways, but I’d rather not end up marrying someone I’m destined to butt heads with at every exchange.

Then there are the times when it’s all-out war and I’m forced to lay a siege at her castle of identity. The girl is so distressed by dating, or maybe again it’s my shirt, that she raises the draw bridge and bolts the windows shut. I can’t learn anything about her, no matter how innocuous my questions or charming my compliments are.

It’s like trying to court Rapunzel when Rapunzel won’t even let down a stand of hair, thus leaving me alone and abandoned, shouting at the sky from the base of her tower.

I try almost anything to pierce that ironclad armor, to get beyond that unbreachable façade of caked-on makeup, straightened to death hair, and razor-sharp creases on her skirt. However, such a task is nigh impossible. My only reward is a neck-ache for staring into the clouds above.

All I want to do is get to know her a bit, so why does she make this so unbelievably difficult? Does she expect me to take her shidduch bio and phone-a-friend references at face value, to put my full faith into the belief that everything that fits on paper is the absolute and only way to go? Is the Shadchan’s word really the last one I’m going to hear before I hear “I do?”

Alas.

Not all my dates are bad, though.

When dates are good, the evening proceeds less like two opposing forces firing cannons at one other and more like a fencing match. There is an art to it, a rhythm and flow that is engaging and enlightening. There is a cerebral connection as one of us lunges to thrust with an idea and the other deflects and offers a riposte. We share a unified choreography, for every move is deliberate and we must work together to form links and mutual associations. An aura of comfort begins to descend from a higher plane.

Here, we are likeminded, not hiding behind impenetrable defenses, but trying to get underneath the natural precautions any person sets up when encountering a stranger for the first time. There is nothing to fear, but we must take time to become used to one another. I begin to connect to the way she talks, laughs, smiles. She becomes more than an unknown person represented by words written and spoken by others. A fully realized individual, with unique qualities worth appreciating materializes. The butterflies in my gut whisper softly that I need to push further and keep the momentum going.

If things go well, I begin to find myself no longer sitting across from a stranger, but an acquaintance, and perhaps, if I’m lucky, a friend.

Upon completion of our polite round of fencing, we transition into a dance.

The rapiers are cast aside, joined by the semi-transparent masks and lightweight armor, and we don fine evening wear.

I notice the twinkle in her eye and the brightness of her smile, and I sense a deeper dialogue is taking place. If we truly connect, I can feel my soul lift into the air above me where it meets hers and they embrace one another. The orchestra swells and our spiritual forms sway in tune to its measure. Our corporeal frames remain firmly planted on our very tangible chairs, but our souls dip and spin in an ethereal bliss, ascending to heavenly realms normally far beyond our mortal reach.

All fortifications fade, revealing the inner essence that was hidden away.

Time has no meaning, and the world simply stops.

More often than not, I fail to notice that our establishment has closed for the night, and an annoyed employee interrupts our spiritual ball, evicting the physical us from the premises.

We walk side-by-side down the street, reluctant to part, though we know we must. She smiles at me, and I respond in kind with my own grin. The hour is late, but our elation brushes away all feelings of fatigue.

We say our goodbyes, and she starts off toward her abode. I watch with longing as the brilliance of her lithe form merges with the distant darkness, and my temporal eyesight fails to detect the glow of her beauty any further.

My soul reaches out for one final caress, and I feel warmth pervade throughout my being.

As I make my own way back to bed, the butterflies within me chatter with mirth. Their excitement is contagious and I revel in the sensation of their exhilaration. It will take effort to calm my thoughts as they flit about, but I will eventually fall asleep and rest. Dreams of all sorts of pleasant futures bounce through my slumbering mind.

Of course, as I write this, I am still dating. Unfortunately, this means that I have been forced to face the premature termination of the lofty connection that my soul ever yearns for. Such a blow can be devastating at first, but with time, I recover and approach the task once again with renewed vigor and determination.

Yet, each time I wonder to myself: is she the one? Will this transcendent grace last forever? Or will it evaporate, ever ephemeral?

I long to find my eternal dance partner. My soul cries out for its long-lost companion.

But for now, I remain steadfast in my quest. I steel my nerves with unwavering resolve, eyes and heart open for the one who will make every day an everlasting waltz of spiritual bliss.

And the band plays on…

  

Thank G-d For All I Missed...?

While a lot of modern secular music today is utter trash - full of nivul peh, discussions about physical relationships, women's bodies, lustful desires and other inappropriate topics not worth singing about, there are still a few gems out there.

For some reason, on the days I've gotten tired of listening to the few Jewish Music CDs I have in my car (my older model vehicle doesn't have a multi-disc CD changer), I've been gravitating toward the local country station. Yes, go ahead and laugh if you'd like, but there are some very moving and inspirational songs to be found there. At the very least, there are definitely more worthwhile songs there than on the popular "90's, 2K, and today" stations.

I stumbled upon a song called "This" by Darius Rucker, once known many years ago for his band Hootie and the Blowfish (and their classic song "I Only Wanna Be With You").

In short, it's about a man reflecting on where life has taken him - or not taken him - along with his recognition and gratitude to G-d for arranging things the way they've happened. Despite the many setbacks and disappointments he's experienced, from the seemingly minor red traffic lights or the more major heartbreaks suffered from relationships that didn't work out - he's thankful for what he has and appreciates his life as it is.

I don't really know how I got here

But I'm sure glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing

Could've changed all of it

How often do we take a step back to think about the process that led us to where we are now? I know I did this a lot when I was in yeshiva in Israel, and I began to see how many of the little, often complicated pieces of my life all came together to allow me to spend time learning in the holiest place on earth. 

Of course, life being as busy as it always is, I fell out of that mindset after I got back to America and YU. Not only did I not think about the positive things or circumstances that brought me to where I was, my mind veered the other way entirely, and began to focus on the negative happenings that upset or disrupt my life. I am embarrassed to say that after some time, I seemed to focus on a string of negative experiences that appeared linked together - for the purpose of dragging me down.

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned

Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man

Despite all that, there is so much to be thankful for - no matter how rough or frustrating life may become. Man's plans can go totally awry, but nevertheless, it will work out in the end, if we give it time and proper consideration.

We can apply these thoughts to any area in life, but they are especially suited to dating, marriage and personal relationships. Often, when we get frustrated with how this are of our lives is going, we become resentful, wondering why we have to go through so much for seemingly so little gain - or what appears to be no gain at all. Yet, we don't know what will happen a year from now, six months from now, a week from now or even tomorrow. Things can and do turn around in ways that we don't expect because we aren't privy to the whole picture.

I didn't understand it way back when
But sitting here right now it all makes perfect sense

It may not make "perfect" sense, since nothing in our human realm is ever really perfect, especially our understanding of how life works, but it will make some worthwhile sense.

One day, hopefully sooner than later, the process of dating, meeting people, forming connections, making phone call after phone call, dressing up and going out again and again will come to an end.

For those of us who are already married, I can speak from personal experience that marriage is definitely a beginning rather than an ending, with its own trials and tribulations,  its highs and lows, the full spectrum of emotions. Figuring all that out, discovering more about your new life partner as well as learning more about yourself and how you work - which you would NEVER have thought through as a single person, can be maddening.

All the fights and tears and the heartache
I thought I'd never go through
And the moment I almost gave up
All lead me here to you

Yet, if we all take a step back and try to see the bigger picture we can be appreciative of what we have and how we got here. The journey may be rough at times, but we're still here, right? For every opportunity you've had but lost, felt like you failed, or reached a hopeless dead end, think more deeply and wonder where you were able to go on from there, precisely because of this roadblock that frustrated you at the time.

Don't think about what could have been had you succeeded there, because there is no use crying over spilled milk. What did you do in that situation? How did you move on and to where? More importantly, where are you now? How did that event affect you, positively or negatively and lead you to where you are and who you have become? Did you use those "missed" opportunities for what they really were - a chance for growth, or did you stew in misery? Even if you didn't learn something then, what can you learn from it to apply to life in the here and now?

All the doors I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank G-d for all I missed
Because it led me here to this

This mindset is particularly appropriate for the month of Elul, when we should be focusing on the past year and the things we've done and experienced. If we can see our mistakes and other negative moments in life in a positive light, to draw strength and inspiration from them, we can use that to turn even our aveiros into mitzvos, regretting the negative but learning from our actions to propel us forward into a better, more informed future.

May we all appreciate all the things we've missed, tap into that source of inspiration for the good.

Save The Worms - Lend A Helping Hand

It happens almost every day, and each time I see the aftermath I feel saddened and helpless.

I'm walking down the sidewalk, typically going into or leaving my apartment and I notice a curled up, crispy little creature frozen in time, its last moments captured in some horrific, painful-looking expression of death . 

What am I talking about? Earthworms.

Your friendly neighborhood soil processor.
Source: wikimedia.org

While I used to think these little guys surfaced after it rained to avoid drowning, it turns out the real reason is because they utilize the moistened environment to move around above ground, a faster mode of transport than burrowing through the dirt, their typical means of travel which helps avoid becoming dried out. 

I have noticed worms crawling across the sidewalk in the early morning on my way to shul for Shacharis. In the afternoons, as I return for Mincha/Ma'ariv, I often spot unfortunate worms who didn't quite make it back into a nearby dirt-covered area before the midday sun baked them into something that looks like this:

Source:  http://southfloridadaily.com/

In the worst cases,  the poor critters are frozen in time, reaching upward as though begging G-d Himself to help them find shelter as their body dehydrates and dies millimeter by millimeter. I imagine that experience is excruciatingly painful, but I am thankful that the worms don't possess a higher sentience that allows them to dwell on their misery in some philosophical/ existential fashion as they progressively exit their mortal existence.

So what's with all this worm musing?

Sometimes we see people we know struggling with a difficulty in life. Trying to make it from point A to point B, but for whatever reason they can't quite make it, and may very well fail in their attempt. It could be that they don't possess all the faculties or resources to be able to accomplish the goal for which they have the desire. 

As much as we are taught to believe that G-d does not give us challenges that we cannot overcome, I do not think that this means we, as individuals, must approach these obstacles alone. The very fact that you witness someone struggling means that you had the opportunity to see them in their state of need means that you are now connected with their travail, however minor your observance of their toil might be. 

Whether it's someone struggling in Torah learning, trying to accept upon themselves the observance or improved observance of a particular mitzvah, difficulty dating, conflicts with friends, teachers, or parents, or just about anything else out there - it would behoove us to think about how we can help the person achieve what they are trying to accomplish. 

Our effort could be as extensive as offering to work closely with the person to facilitate their success, becoming their chevrusa, dating mentor, shoulder to cry on, ear to listen, or as seemingly minor as offering a word of encouragement or pointing them in the right direction, letting them know where they can get help, or telling them you've also struggled with this area and would be glad to lend a hand where possible.

Every time I see an earthworm making its way across the damp morning sidewalk - or especially if it is later in the day and the temperature along with the sun's radiance is increasing - I take a moment to crouch down and move the little guy into a shady grassy/dirt covered area nearby. It's such a minimal effort, but it saves the worm from a terrible death.

We must be cognizant of those around us, especially those close to us, those we hold near and dear in our hearts and minds, and not stand still while they frustrate themselves with something that may be just beyond their reach. Just like that earthworm that was inches away from the grass before it was crispified by the sun, we could reach out and give those people the small little boost of support they need to succeed for themselves. 

May we all look out for one another, in ways both big and small, and create a more unified Jewish people as a result of our efforts.

The Queen You Thought You Knew

I always do my best to make an attempt to prepare myself - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually - for any upcoming Jewish holiday. Typically this involves attending shiurim and reading sefarim on topics related to matters of the chag, and this year I chose to read "The Queen You Thought You Knew: Unmasking Esther's Hidden Story" by Rabbi David Fohrman to get myself into the Purim spirit.

While Rabbi Fohrman's book was released last year, I neglected to add it to my Seforim Sale purchases, and thus read other things. But after hearing positive from Chana at Curious Jew and from other sources, I checked it out and bought it at this year's sale.

Here's a dramatic preview video that was featured on Youtube prior to the book's release:

Pretty cool eh?

Overall, I found the Rabbi Fohrman's approach to be very engaging. His style of writing is not one of a typical work of this sort - a commentary/analysis of the events and workings of Megillas Esther. He speaks to the reader, almost as though he were delivering a lecture instead of composing a written text. Some more academic minded individuals might be put off by this stylistic choice, but I think the majority of regular lay readers will find it interesting and thought-provoking.

I enjoyed his "chiddushim" that expanded the political and socio-cultural aspects of what occurred during the the Purim Story. I had heard some of these ideas before from either the Malbim's commentary on Megillas Esther or in a far more in-depth and mind-blowing fashion that I experienced in Rabbi Hayyim Angel's shiur at YU.

Nevertheless, his insights were novel, fresh, and added another dimension to my appreciation of what is contained in Megillas Esther and Purim - which is what I wanted when I decided to buy and read the book.

My one critique, and it is somewhat substantial, is Rabbi Forhman's emphasis on treating the end portion of this book as a teaser for his next book - a sequel of sorts that will explore a particular element of his analysis in a deeper, broader fashion. What was first a mere footnote on p.134 referencing what will be seen in his forthcoming sequel book, expands into a multi-chapter, cross-Tanach examination of Yehuda/Binyamin relationships and a 4-page epilogue that serves as a "preview" of what will be contained in his promised continuation.

Also, the last page of the book with written text advertises "For exclusive bonus material relating to this book, please visit: www.rabbifohrman.com/queenextras." I attempted to access this material to add to my review, but it turns out the entire website is nonfunctional and merely "coming soon!" I'm not sure if this was supposed to be a further bridge between this book and the next, or merely expanded/cut material that was not in the print version. Either way, it seems like it would be appropriate for Rabbi Forhman to have gotten this material together and made available online almost a year after the initial publication and promise of more.

In the end, I think that "The Queen You Thought You Knew" is a worthwhile read, especially for those interested in understanding the layers of the Purim story. I particularly liked the "Mother Persia" theme that Rabbi Fohrman develops, particularly since I had never heard of it before and it fits so well with the pshat of the text. I wouldn't rank it as more essential than the Malbim's Megillas Esther commentary, which is a must read - but for those who have already read that, those looking for something new and different, and someone who enjoys lecture-style books, "The Queen You Thought You Knew" is certainly worth a look.

For further Purim reading suggestions, check out last year's post.

Jewish Music Fridays: Prodezra

Welcome back to Jewish Music Fridays! This week we have a very unique and rather talented artist: Prodezra!

I admit that rap/hip hop is not my favorite genre of music. I don't have a bias against the type of music itself, but rather I have come to distance myself from it because of how it has become so closely associated with negative subjects, foul language, mistreatment of women, condoning violence and drug use, among other things.

For me, music should be positive, inspiring, and meaningful. Everyone has their own specific tastes and each person connects to different things, which is why there needs to be different types of music to suit the interests and needs of many different kinds of people. Using music to promote causes and ideas that are harmful or offensive seems like a misuse of this gift.

Prodezra opened my eyes to the positive potential of rap/hip hop. In particular, the song "Liora," which is a tribute to Prodezra's wife, as well as Jewish women as a whole. I found the song to be refreshing and inspiring as it proudly proclaims positive messages about women, in stark contrast to all of the garbage out there in the secular music world that is misogynistic and insulting to women.

It seems like there is an increasing interest in this burgeoning field within Jewish music, and some of the artists are, like Prodezra, African-American converts. I think there are two major beneficial points from this development:

1) People who may have become acculturated to popular rap/hip hop music, whether raised religious or largely unaffiliated, now have a "kosher" outlet to enjoy that style of music instead of hearing nivul peh and harmful messages.

2) The horizon of Jewish culture is being broadened and becoming more inclusive. I think it's wonderful for people of different backgrounds who become part of the Jewish people to enhance our understanding and approach to the world. We can always learn something from everyone around us, especially from those who may be different from us. A ger tzedek is every bit a Jew like anyone born Jewish, but their previous experiences can be utilized to help create their own unique Jewish identity, as well as positively influence others to be broader minded and learn new things and new perspectives that they otherwise would never have reached on their own. This is a similar phenomenon to ba'alei teshuva who don't reject their past, but instead draw from their previous life to give more meaning to their practice of Judaism.

Prodezra happens to be a friend of mine, and I can attest that he is a wonderful, spiritually in-tune guy, a family man, and someone who cares about helping his fellow Jew through learning and inspiring others with his music. Unlike secular rappers who boast about their personal talents and how they are the best, most talented, wealthiest, strongest, or whatever other stupidly egotistical claim they can think of, Prodezra attributes all his talents and success as blessings from G-d. He draws inspiration for his music from Torah sources and Chassidus (notably Chabad). His message is positive and worth paying attentive to.

His musical tagline, "Beats L'shem Shamayim" couldn't be a more appropriate appellation for his work.

Here are a few other of the many songs Prodezra has created and uploaded on Youtube.

"ReJewvenated (J.E.W.)"

"Proud To Be"

"Where Are You? (24/7"

Prodezra also composes beats featuring other artists.

"Let Me In" featuring Nachman

The famous song "Change" featuring Y-Love and Describe.

Prodezra also produces instrumental songs:

"The Lamplighter"

"Ein Od Milvado"

As seen previously on this blog, Prodezra was also featured on G-dcast.

Check out more of Prodezra's music on Youtube, his website, Facebook. You can purchase his albums on iTunes and cdbaby

Ultimately, I think Prodezra's music might not be for everyone, but he certainly has a large audience which allows him to reach out and positively influence those who might not be otherwise interested in the more standard forms Jewish music.

I hope Prodezra continues to produce meaningful beats and songs that bring our distanced brothers and sisters back to their heritage, as well as opening up the ears, eyes, and minds of the rest of us to a broader appreciation of Jewish music and culture.

Any Bilha's And Zilpa's Out There?

In this week's parsha, Yaakov marries not only Leah and Rachel, but also their maid-servants Zilpah and Bilhah (who may or may not have been their half-sisters).

I used to not be bothered by the fact that most of our liturgy and other Torah-related writings have much of any reference to the maid-servant foremothers, but a particularly feisty tour guide in the Old City of Yerushalayim started railing about it one day.

She wondered why no one seems to care where Bilhah and Zilpah are buried. We know where Rachel and Leah are - in a roadside grave/memorial and Ma'aras Hamachpelah respectively. What about the other half of Yaakov's wives, who produced 1/3rd of the shevatim, Klal Yisrael's ancestors?

One could venture to say that nowadays, since the exile of the 10 "Lost Tribes," Bnei Yisrael consists of members from the tribes of Levi and Yehuda who were born to Leah along with Binyamin who was born to Rachel. As such, we don't really have any connection to Yaakov's 3rd and 4th wives.

However, we also know that, to a degree, many of the members of the "Lost Tribes" may have been found and returned through the various groups from far away locations that have proudly identified themselves and begun the process of moving to the State of Israel. Of note is Israel's Chief Sephardic Rabbi Shlomo Amar recognizing the Bnei Menashe of India as one of the 10 lost tribes back in 2005.

On a less recent note, I recall hearing/learning that a number of our exiled brethren did indeed join up with the remaining community either in Israel or in Babylonia before the time of the 2nd Commonwealth and the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash. I think the same source remarked that not every last member of these 10 tribes actually left when the vast majority of the Northern Tribes were exiled, which means we never totally misplaced them in the first place.

I'm not going to discuss the Talmudic references here, since that's not really the point of this post.

Back to our near-forgotten foremothers.

Thinking to myself, I didn't think I had ever met anyone named after Bilhah and Zilpah, nor had I seen a memorial/dedication plaque of any sort that listed such a name. Then one day, ASoG mentioned the name of a family friend's mother who was ill and needed tefillos said on her behalf, and lo and behold her mother's first name was Bilhah! Sufficed to say, I was a bit flabbergasted, but in a good way.

Before completing this post, I decided to Google "Bilhah" and "Zilpah" to see what I could find.

First, it seems I was mechaven to a 2004 post by A Simple Jew who also wondered "Whatever happened to Bilhah and Zilpah?"

I also found an "Ask the Rabbi" question on Chabad.org which discusses why we don't mention Bilhah and Zilpah as matriarchs like Rochel and Leah.

Lastly, a comment on A Simple Jew's blog led me to check Wikipedia, which informed me that Bilhah and Zilpah are buried at the "Tomb of the Matriarchs" in Tiberias, which would seem to indicate that we indeed treat them as full-fledged Imahos. I had not heard about this particular grave site before, and find the list of women who are buried there to be a fascinating collection of important Biblical figures.

Do you know anyone named Bilhah or Zilpah?

Commemorating Your "Own" Yartzeit

The experience of looking up on a memorial plaque during davening and noticing your own name, exactly matched in both Hebrew and English, with a little light bulb lit up next to it, along with and engraved date of death can be a little unsettling.

I knew my namesake's yartzeit was coming up soon, but the exact date slipped my mind amid all the busy running around from Yom Tov and delving back into work at grad school. I was genuinely surprised when I noticed the small light bulb glowing this morning after I finished Shemonah Esrei.

It's hard to describe the exact feeling that coursed through me, but chilling may have to do. Though I've heard many stories and learned various bits of information about the concept of gilgulim, or 'reincarnated' souls (for lack of a better term), I'm not 100% sure what I understand or believe. The notion of naming a child for a deceased relative, as is the Ashkenazi practice, seems to incorporate some aspect of gilgul, in addition to the more mundane belief of serving as a merit for the family member who has passed on and a living reminder of their legacy.

My great uncle - my paternal grandfather's older brother - though not a particularly religiously observant man, was a pediatrician, fought in World War II, and was one of the first white doctors in my hometown to treat minorities, often at reduced cost or for free. He was well known in the general community, in addition to the Jewish community, and I have often been "recognized" waiting in line at the pharmacy by an elderly person looked at me with a confused expression and informed me happily that my namesake was their pediatrician back in the day.

I was once at a local hospital signing in for a blood test when the nurse filling in my data suddenly stopped. She reread the information on the screen, turned to me, and asked if I was 90-something years old. I realized that the hospital had never properly declared my great-uncle dead, and quickly explained to her that I was indeed the 20-odd years I looked.

After noticing the lit bulb, I quickly walked over to a family friend, who is of my father's generation, and asked him if he would say kaddish for my great-uncle, who was this man's own pediatrician in his childhood. I figured it would be more meaningful than asking the fellow sitting next to me, who could say kaddish since his parents have passed away, merely out of convenience. The family friend graciously agreed.

I stood nearby whenever he recited the kaddish, and sensed some strange aura of fulfillment answering him. I have no idea, even if the concept of gilgul is readily applicable in our day and age, if there was some aspect of my neshama responding to the kaddish being said for my namesake. It certainly felt something akin to what I just described, but who can know for sure?

I can only hope that my own actions, including my study of Torah and observance of mitzvos, which exceed the level of religious practice of my great-uncle, can serve as an aliyah for his neshama in the Olam HaEmes.

The King Awaits

Life's been a bit hectic since Rosh Hashana and I haven't had much time to blog, despite having received numerous ideas and bits of inspiration over the course of Yom Tov and Shabbos. I had to share an interesting notion that occurred to me as I examined the tefillos from Rosh Hashana (and afterward) related to HaShem's role as our King.

Many times in the past, different rabbeim/shiurim/divrei Torah have described the interrelated dual roles that HaShem has in relation to the Jewish People, which can be summed up as Avinu Malkeinu - Our Father, Our King.

HaShem's fatherly role is described as merciful, compassionate, forgiving, the aspect of Him in which we will find Rachamim and forgiveness for our mistakes and misdeeds.

His Kingly aspect is described as one of judgement - din, which is more strict, unyielding, the attribute by which we are held to a high standard and held accountable for our actions. He is the True King, the Holy King, The King of Judgement, among others appellations.

We even discuss the idea of HaShem moving from His throne of Din (Malkeinu) to the throne of Rachamim (Avinu) when we merit a nation-wide atonement on Yom Kippur. He is, as we say in the 2nd bracha before Shema in the morning, "Av Harachamim" - "the merciful Father" and we don't just stop there, but add "Who acts mercifully," emphasizing the aspect of mercy with HaShem our Father. (The title Av Harachamim is found elsewhere in other tefillos, too).

However, as I began to review the Rosh Hashana Davening, the insertions added during the 10 Days of Repentance, and the regular Shabbos/weekday davening, I began to notice that this strict dichotomy wasn't always true. Especially with regard to HaShem's Kingship, which is actually described in terms very different from a strict sense of retributive justice.

In the first insertion during Magen Avraham we describe HaShem as "the King who desires life." Requesting that the King write us in the book of life isn't counterintuitive - the King judges, and we can either merit to be in the book of life or the bo0k of death (chas v'shalom, lo aleinu). Yet, the King desires life!

In the second bracha of Shemonah Esrei, we describe HaShem as the King who causes death - which is a fact, since death originates as a decree from Him. Yet, He is also the King Who "restores life and makes salvation sprout," which seems (to me) to be of greater emphasis, and again an indication of our King's merciful tendencies.

In Ya'aleh V'yavo, we conclude be describing HaShem as "the gracious and compassionate King" - going so far to describe the Melech as "Rachum" - which we typically associate with our Father. There is clearly some underlying currents here that indicate a greater unity among HaShem's Fatherly and Kingly attributes. A similar wording is found in the bracha Haskiveinu after Shema at Ma'ariv and in one of the Tashlich prayers.

In the paragraph from the Yom Tov Mussaf, "Mipnei Chata'einiu," we again refer to HaShem as "Melech Rachaman" - the Merciful King.

In Selach Lanu we ask our Father to forgive our errors, and our King to pardon our willful sins.

We find in Refa'einu that our King is "the faithful and compassionate Healer."

Lastly, we find in Shalom Rav that HaShem is the King, "Master of all peace." Not the King who judges and creates strife with harsh sentences, but One who creates peace for all of Israel.

I'm sure there are others I've missed. This is not meant to be a comprehensive list, but rather me shining a spotlight on an idea I had not heard of until I stumbled upon it myself.

If anyone has any more references or knows Talmudic/rabbinical sources that further discuss this fascinating notion (or at least fascinating to me) please share it in the comments.

So as we approach Yom Kippur and ask forgiveness of our Father, Our King, let us all have in mind the mercy and compassion that is utterly characteristic of HaShem, and pray that we all receive proper atonement (through proper teshuva) and merit being seal in the Book of Good Life.

To anyone I may have offended this past year with anything I wrote, I am sorry. I am especially sorry for my sometimes harsh responses/temper, in particular The Professor and Burnt Dreadlocks, for which I humbly apologize for my lack of emotional control in responding to their comments.

I hope that 5772 can be a year free of divisiveness and ill-feelings. Let us all use blogs and everything else we do in our lives, to sow harmony and unity amongst Klal Yisrael. May this year be the year - Tihiye Shana Ad Bichlal - the year that features the inclusion of the conclusion of the galus (no more galus!) and the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, Bimheira Biyameinu.

Amein, Kein Yehi Ratzon!

Teshuva Season 5771 Thoughts

Every year since the inception of this blog, I have endeavored to relate some of my thoughts during the teshuva season (check them out here: 5770, 5769) hoping to gather together my mental ponderings in some coherent fashion from which I can draw inspiration and share with others as well.

While previous years have been somewhat similar, though nuanced in their own ways, this year in particular is very different. This is the first time I've approached Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur as a married man. No longer am I the single guy in yeshiva/college struggling on my own to maintain and improve my spirituality. I am no longer alone, and am not the only person that my actions affect. I can no longer do what what I want without thinking of repercussions that extend beyond my own personal space. Almost akin to being pregnant, everything I did and do has some effect on my wife, ASoG, whether I want it to or not, regardless of what my intentions were.

I was trying find some way to express this eloquently, and it turns out I was lucky enough to discover something Rav Avigdor Nebenzahl wrote in his "Thoughts for the Month of Elul" that very concisely captures the sentiments I wanted to convey in writing:

I once heard from my illustrious teacher and Rav, Hagaon Chaim Shmuelevitz, zt"l, that the subject of interpersonal relationships may be compared to fire. One who hurts his friend is like a person who thrusts his hand into fire. His intentions are irrelevant; he is burnt whether he wanted to extinguish the fire or intensify it. (180)

With all due respect to Rav Nebenzahl, I understood what Rav Shmuelevitz wrote in a fashion differently than he goes on to elaborate.

When we are single, though we are obligated in mitzvos, both interpersonal and between ourselves and G-d, ultimately the nexus of our world is limited to who we are and how things affect us. True, we have friends and parents, teachers and rabbeim, but when we are going through the al chait's on Yom Kippur, we are ultimately thinking about all the sinful things we did for and to ourselves. My choice to transgress a particular aveira drags me down in my development and avodas HaShem. I made a mistake, I stumbled, and now I must pick myself up, brush off my dirtied clothing, and do my best to continue onward in a way that will make me a better, more observant and spiritually in-tuned person.

However, once you stand under the chupah, your actions and their consequences are no longer intrinsically limited to what they do to you and how they alter your mind and soul. Everything you do, by yourself, or especially in interactions with your spouse, have a profound affect on him/her and your relationship.

If I, as a single guy, decide to sleep late and miss davening Shacharis with a minyan, my guilt is limited to my poor choice and the improper start to my morning. If I skip Shacharis as a married man, I have not only taken away merit from my spouse, disappointed her expectations of a religiously observant husband, and by lowering myself because of my selfish decision to indulge my physical being with a few more minutes of shut-eye - I've downgraded our overall spirituality as well.

Further, as Rav Shmuelevitz said via Rav Nebenzahl - my intentions for my actions don't really matter as much as they used to. I can be the judge of my own actions when I am not directly affecting anyone else, I know I did my best, I wanted to do good, and I can feel content that I may have tried my best or given a decent effort, or excused my performance in a particular area of life. But when I am interacting with the one other person who now shares my entire existence, these sort of lame self-excuses don't cut it.

I may have said or done something in the usual way that I always did in the past, which never seemed offensive or harmful to me, or that my friends never took offense from - but my spouse may very well have perceived things quite differently. That one comment that you think is jokey might actually be a great insult in her eyes. The way I conducted myself in a particular area may have seemed quite normal and appropriate to me, but she saw it as rude and insensitive. I can offend and hurt without any intention to do so whatsoever, and it does me no good to try and explain things afterwards, rationalizing that what I did was not meant to hurt, because that does very little to remove the pain I've caused by my lack of understanding.

What needs to be done in a marriage, and more broadly in every relationship, is to do our very best to be aware at all times of how things we do and say are perceived. Perception truly is everything, and as justified as a particular action might be in my own eyes, if my wife thinks it was a horrible thing to do, and that it seemed like I was expressing something negative and harmful to her - I am at fault for my lack of vision and consideration. Even little things, which we can consider generally unimportant, can have impact beyond our understanding.

I do not mean to say that we all have to be absolutely perfect at every single moment, since such a thing is impossible. Certainly, one's spouse should also do his/her best to have patience and consider what might have been the intent behind an action or statement that seemed offensive and damaging. We all make mistakes, and we all must be dan lekaf zechus in the best way that we can - especially with our wives and husbands. Nevertheless, because of the sensitive nature of this relationship, which is closer and more intense than any other, both from a spiritual and physical standpoint, we must be on our toes and on our best behavior at every moment that we can be.

Yes, we are sometimes exhausted by our day, or can legitimately be upset with our spouse, and in those moments we require some reciprocal consideration from him/her, but we should also be cognizant of what we are doing and how we are being perceived. Being able to recognize what is happening and how our tone, demeanor or actions are seen, and putting forth the conscious effort to be able to say, "Hi honey. I know it looks like I'm upset and frustrated - it's because I am. I just want you to know that while I am dealing with these emotions that I say or do something that seems intentional out to get you, please recognize that it's merely me working through my feelings and I never want to hurt you in any way."

Again, this doesn't excuse every thing we might do intentionally or unintentionally that hurts our spouse, but it certainly sets the stage for him/her to give us some space and to be considerate that what we do and say was not really meant as an attack.

Marriage is a huge undertaking and a tremendous life-changing process. No one is truly ready to be married from the chupah and everyone makes mistakes. ASoG and I have had our share of disagreements and conflicts, but we have exerted a great amount of effort to understand one another, discuss where each of us may have gone wrong, and how we can learn from these moments to make ourselves better and more dedicated to serving the other as our #1 priority in life.

I don't think I've ever approached a Yom Kippur with as much trepidation as I will this year. Any transgressions I've committed against ASoG are not only bein adam l'chaveiro, but also (as reflected in the Kesuba and numerous quotes from Chazal) bein adam l'Makom. I may have many things to answer for from my own shortcomings and short-sightedness, but I have also grown and benefited from this ongoing and developing relationship.

My love for ASoG has transcended anything I ever considered to be love before we got married. Things are now far more real, meaningful and significant than the naive, giddiness of dating and being engaged. Life can be hard sometimes, but the essential thing is to focus on supporting and being supported by your spouse. We've had some rough spots here and there, which every married couple does, but we've persevered, grown stronger and more connected because of our struggles.

May we all focus on achieving a greater sensitivity toward our spouses and everyone else in our lives this year. May everyone who is already married be able to achieve true Shalom Bayis through hard and successful work together. May everyone who is not yet zoche to experience these rewarding challenges soon find their zivug and start their own journeys through life together. And may we all achieve levels of personal Shalom Bayis that will bring the ultimate Shalom Bayis for all of klal Yisrael, with the arrival of Moshiach Tzidkeinu, bimheira biyameinu.

Chag Sameach... Today? Tomorrow?

Chag Sameach... sort of!

Yes, while today is the 5th of Iyar, the true calendarical date of the declaration of the creation of the modern State of Israel, the commemoration, starting with Yom HaZikaron, were pushed on a day, in consideration of preventing chilul Shabbos in preparation for any Yom HaZikaron events taking place on Motzei Shabbos.

Last year I was unaware of the day-shifting and accidentally said tachanun on the 5th of Iyar. I'm am happy to report that I didn't make the same mistake again this morning, since my chevrusa thankfully reminded me of pushing-off last night. Further, the gabbai of the minyan where I davened Shacharis knocked on the bima and continued from chazaras hashatz to the layning, skipping over tachanun. There was no hallel said, though it was announced they would say hallel without a bracha tomorrow, the celebrated day of Yom Ha'atzma'ut.

I wrote at length about my views on Yom Ha'atzma'ut last year - please check it out if you have a chance. I don't have too much to add, but I wanted to point out a few things.

First off, everyone should read Rabbi Maryle's post on Emes Ve-Emunah on the subject of hakaras hatov on Yom Ha'atzma'ut, which I think is a great, very well written piece.

Second, Aish.com has created a great lip-sync video for K'naan's song "Wavin' Flag," which is fantastic (the video contains music):



Back to my own additional chiddush for this year. Related to an idea I that dawned on me during my Yom Hashoah-inspired meditations in my Ma'ariv Shemonah Esrei (see the bottom), I had a bit of a revelation during Shacharis this morning.

I was looking for some personal insight to make my davening more meaningful instead of being another wrote repetition of prayers I had said many times before - this is a particular point I've been working on more since that greatly influential Ma'ariv Shemonah Esrei. While reciting the bracha of Teka B'Shofar Gadol it hit me.

In this particular bracha, we ask for HaShem to have the great shofar sounded, the one which will herald the arrival of Moshiach and the beginning of the Messianic Age of world peace along with the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash. Though we have yet to hear this great and powerful shofar blast heralding Moshiach's imminent revelation, I do think that the rest of the bracha has (at least) begun to materialize in the last 63 years.

We ask HaShem to raise the neis (banner/flag) that will be the sign to gather in our exiled brethren. We request that HaShem will then gather all of these dispersed Jews from the four corners of the Earth, and conclude with bracha that declares HaShem's role as the One who gathers the dispersed ones of His nation Yisrael.

Pausing to think about the words composed by Chazal centuries ago, I couldn't help but envision the Israeli flag as a fulfillment of this longed for prayer:

(Picture courtesy of Wikimedia)

We have literally seen Jews from all over the world return to their homeland. On this point, I don't care whether it was motivated by religious conviction, secular philosophy, government invervention (IE for Russian and Ethiopian Jews), getting kicked out by Arabs from their homes, or any other reason anyone has had to go home. It is abundantly clear to me that the Yad HaShem has been at work, and we are finally seeing movements at work which will lead to the Messianic era when all Jews will live in their homeland and world peace will reign supreme.

Yes, Israel isn't perfect. We can all understand that, even the most ardent Zionists out there. There is no reason any Jew living today should not commemorate the founding of the state in some fashion - to each his/her own in terms of level of celebration and expression.

May we celebrate many more commemorations of Yom Ha'atzma'ut, may those celebrations be eclipsed by the celebrations that will take place when the final geulah will be complete, and we can all join together as one nation saying Hallel in the Beis Hamikdash for the great wonders HaShem has done for us.

Ein Yeiush Ba'olam Klal

I have a new favorite song.

For those of you who haven’t purchased Omek Hadavar’s new album called Mekor Chaim, do it! Their first album, The Depth of the Matter was fantastic. It’s one of the few CDs where I actually felt that the entire album was composed of worthwhile songs without any filler, and thus every song was uniquely enjoyable . Thankfully, Mekor Chaim is no different.

Anyway, my new favorite song is the 4^th track on the album, titled “Ein Yeiush.” Not only is it fast, upbeat, and a pleasure to listen to from a musical standpoint, the choice of lyrics is fantastic as well – and actually fit the song. For those who haven’t heard it yet, you can check out a snippet here (along with the rest of the album).

In the meantime, here are the lyrics themselves, which are drawn from numerous sources, including Breslov literature (they don’t cite which sefarim in the jacket art) and Tehillim:

Below are the lyrics, transliteration and translation (don’t jump on me about exactness of my choice in words, this is more of a free-hand rather than academic translation):

Adam yisodo me’afar – aval ein yeiush ba’olam klal	A man’s origin is from dust – but, there is no despair in the world
V’sofo l’afar – aval ein yeiush ba’olam klal	And his end is to go to dust – but, there is no despair up in the world
Im atah ma’amin sheyicholim lekalkel - ta’amin sheyicholim letaken	If you believe that you can mess things up – you must believe that you are able to fix them
Adam margish shehu nafal – aval ein yeiush ba’olam klal	Man may feel that he's fallen – but, there is no despair up in the world
Adam margish shehu livad – aval ein yeish ba’olam klal	Man may feel that he’s alone – but there is no despair up in the world
Im atah ma’amin sheyicholim lekalkel - ta’amin sheyicholim letaken	If you believe that you can mess things up – you must believe that you are able to fix them
Lo ira ra ki atah imadi, shiftecha umishantecha, hayma yenachamuni (Tehillim 23:4)	I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

The song conveys such an intensely powerful lesson. Often, “yeiush” is translated as “giving up,” but a more accurate translation would be “despair.” Yeiush is a halachic term, used to express an owner’s total disavowal of hope that he could ever reclaim a lost object whereby another person could acquire it, since the original owner has basically relinquished his claim of ownership.

For example, if someone loses his sefer that has his name and phone number in it, he will maintain hope that another person will find it and call him to return it. That owner of the sefer will not have yeiush anytime soon, unless something incredibly difficult happened, like the sefer fell off the side of a boat into an ocean or many years went by. However, someone who loses a dollar bill, which has no identifying markings on it, which means he has next to zero chance of ever recovering it, totally gives up almost immediately.

Yeiush is the ultimate expression of giving up – letting yourself give in to despair.

The lyrics taken from Breslov literature tells us (via the song) that there should never be yeiush in this world we live in. True, man was created from the dust of the Earth, and our end point is that we will be returned to the dust and physically become one with the dust – even so, in life, there is no reason to ever totally give up hope.

A person may feel that they are falling, have fallen, or are all alone – and still, no matter what bad things happen to you, there is no reason to ever totally give up hope that things can change for the better.

Then there is that fantastic chorus – if you believe in the possibility that you can make a mistake, that you can mess things up in life, then you MUST believe that it’s possible to fix things, to make things better. The mere possibility that things could go wrong HAS to mean, perforce, that the possibility exists that things could go right.

And it is for that reason that we must never give up hope, not utterly. We can get beaten down, rejected, refuted, broken up with, have our feelings hurt, feel like we’ve lost our way spiritually, believe that we’ve dropped a level from where we legitimately should be, or even feel as though all is lost – and yet, we should never give up.

That is what G-d does for us. When we are with Him, the possibility of fear cannot exist in our lives, in our minds. He will support us, no matter where our lives take us, because He knows and He cares. Every downward spiral has an upward curve. That is what this song teaches us.

This message has universal meaning, no matter where you are in life. If you are dating and still single, this means that no matter how many “no’s” you get, you will get that “yes” one day. You must believe that. It’s so easy to believe that our dating lives can be a big mess and go wrong at every turn, but we need to also believe that things can, and more importantly, will go right.

Marriage isn’t easy either; it’s certainly no walk in the park. Nome of the single readers out there should think that once you’ve reached the chuppah everything is peachy-keen and life is happily ever after. That isn’t to say that being married isn’t wonderful – it absolutely is – but it requires constant attention and work, an ever-increasing input of energy to make sure that the relationship is healthy, that love and caring are the primary emotional expressions, and no one gives into the darker, negative emotions like anger.

Of course, humans, being the imperfect creations that we are, slip every now and then. We do mess up. I’m not the most perfect husband ever, and I misstep on occasion (yes, even this early on in marriage). Nevertheless, I am an absolute believer that for every time I blunder, I am able to exert all my energy, renew my devotion, and steer myself in the proper direction to make up for and surpass my errors. Without that, all the bad things we unintentionally, (and sometimes, chas v’shalom intentionally) do to our spouses will simply accumulate and destroy everything.

The key is never to give up totally, to never express that despair. It isn’t right, and it never helps. If you do give up every last shred of hope, that’s it, endgame.

So everyone out there – single, engaged, newly married, long married – it’s always possible, it will happen. Don’t ever, ever lose all hope.

Im atah ma’amin sheyicholim lekalkel - ta’amin sheyicholim letaken

Macca-Pirsumei Nisa

Wow! A lot can happen in a week in a half. Start off with one well-made Youtube video and with several millions of hits later, you can end up on national television, such as the CBS Early Show:

Now that The Maccabeats have become world reknown (kudos to them for braving the freezing weather, not just for CBS but for CNN as well), I kind of miss their usual dorm performances at candle-lighting. Granted, I'm not in the dorms anymore (thanks ASoG J) but there was always something special added to the already incredible feeling of lighting in the dorms when they made their appearance and sang a medley of Chanukah songs.

For those readers who didn't go to YU in the past few years, here are two of these performances:

From two years ago:


Last year:


I am really floored with the national and international reaction to "Candlelight." Aside from all the general media attention because the song and video are clever, cute, hip, etc, etc, it has been wonderful to see the reaction from the viewers. So many Jews, otherwise unaffiliated or uninvolved with Chanukah, are reconnecting to the holiday. The video isn't just a gimmick, it is, as Immanuel Shalev (Maccabeats Associate Director) commented this NY Times article, an amazing example of pirsumei nisa.

I don't think there is a better example in the history of the observance of Chanukah has there been such an overt example of publicizing the miracle of Chanukah. This is how the world media, the internet, Youtube, etc can be used to spread a positive image for Judaism and create an immense kiddush HaShem.

Previous popular Chanukah songs/videos, such as the Adam Sandler variety, which merely are out there to be pop culture savvy and basically make no mention of the momentous, divine victory over our enemies or the Menorah in the Beis Hamikdash remainign lit for 8 days. Yes, those productions are cute, even if they often toe or cross the lines of innappropriateness (South Park anyone? What about Sandler's drug reference at the end of an otherwise innocuous perfomance?), The Maccabeats have created a pure and fun, video that spreads the message of what Chanukah is really about. They do it in a way that is palatable to the masses, which is ever-so-important with the vast numbers of our brethren so assimilated into the general society and alienated - whether intentionally or merely as a by-product of being considered under the label of Tinok Shenishba.

Begin Rant.

Unknown to many, there is another "Dynamite" Chanukah video out there starring three young brothers (which was coincidentally posted 2 weeks before The Maccabeats). It's another in a series of "cutesy" redubs of popular hip hop/rap songs that have partially rewritten lyrics which toss in a few Jewish terms here and there. While I can't lay any blame on them (they are just kids after all - though the aunt that appears is a bit much), seeing this video makes me almost cry because of how far they are from traditional Torah observance.

Pop culture is their identity. Their videos are not like The Maccabeats or Shlock Rock who have taken a secular niggun and elevated it with meaningful words. It's just shtick, plain and simple, taking the rap/gangster/whatever persona and adding bits of Jewish culture to it, but the ikkar and the tafel are quite clear. Whereas The Maccabeats sing of a "great return to Torah learning" and depict two young men learning b'chevrusa, the "B-Boyz" sing "For generations to come, I'm going to dance and hold a Torah" while mimicking rap star poses.

Um, "hold a Torah?" Why not, uphold the Torah. I'm not arguing that the lyrics could have been better, I simply bemoan the fact that these young boys identify with everything else out there but Judaism as their core identity. It's sad. Really sad. Each of these kids is definitely a Tinok Shenishba. I hope they can take to heart the message of "Candlelight" and Judaism becomes more meaningful in their lives. Perhaps then it will be more than "okay" to be Jewish.

End Rant.

I've never been prouder of having attended YU than I am right now (including the recent Saturday Night Live Dreidelpalooza reference). Forget all those terrible stories of chillel HaShem that have been in the news for the last few years. This is the kind of media attention YU and Jews as a whole needs: meaningful, positive, and total Kiddush HaShem.

Thank you Maccabeats and Uri Westrich for making this Chanukah so much more meaningful for so many people!

ASoG Says: A Reply To "Thank You"

Shades of Grey has been requesting now for a long time (even before we were engaged) that I make an appearance and when reading this post I figured it was a good opportunity. Even though this post was written from a husband’s perspective and Shades of Grey wrote that “the un-thanked wife/unappreciative husband model is by far the more common one,” nonetheless my husband is an amazing, wonderful, caring husband who equally deserves thanks from his wife. Yes, in a marriage the mundane things in life need to be taken care; the garbage and recycling need to be taken out, the dishes have to be done, dinner has to be prepared and cooked, the laundry has to be done, the floors have to be washed and the toilet has to be scrubbed, yet there is much more to a successful marriage. Having food to eat and a clean bed to sleep in won’t ensure a happy fulfilling marriage. So even though a wife may be more responsible in some households for all these day to day jobs, that doesn’t mean that a husband should hear the words “thank you” any less throughout the day than the wife hears.

There are a myriad of little things that Shades of Grey does on a daily basis that I owe him thanks for. Having a husband who thinks the world of you, who appreciates both the good and the bad in you, who loves you for who you are, who is your number one supporter in life and who is there to hold your hand when life gets tough (especially when you’re first getting used to married life and all that it entails), and who is constantly thinking about how he can help you and what he can do for you, is the best feeling in the world and for that he deserves to hear “thank you” 24/7.

Being a wife may not be the easiest thing in life…there are plenty of nights when I’d rather not come home from a busy day at school and cook dinner and wish that it would magically appear on the table for use. But it is at these times that I take a step back and tell myself to remember all the little things that Shades of Grey has done for me during the day that I am thankful for. Whether it was taking out the garbage from last night, texting my during the day to see how I’m doing, buying groceries for dinner so they’re in the house by the time I come home, buying me flowers for Shabbos even on a rushed Friday Erev Shabbos afternoon, picking up the dry cleaning, mailing thank you notes for me, buying me a bag of my favorite candy just because he saw it and thought of me, or cleaning the dishes after dinner so I could relax…there are so many things during the day that he does that I am thankful for.

Even if there wasn’t any specific act that he did for me during the day (although I can’t think of one day that that happened since we were married) simply knowing that he is my husband and how much he loves and supports me is enough to thank him for. For the mere fact of knowing that despite whatever challenges Hashem may give us, I have a life partner to face them with who will stand by my side deserves a thank you. So to all the wives out there…even though it may seem that we are more in charge of the household things, our husbands really do a lot for us and equally deserve to hear “thank you.” Thank them for going through life with you, for laughing in the good times and giving you a shoulder to cry on when life gets tough, for thinking the world of you, and doing whatever they can to make you feel loved and respected.

So in conclusion: Thank you, SoG for all that you do and have done for me since the first day we met!

- Another Shade of Grey

Teshuva Season 5770 Thoughts

First off, for those who haven't read my teshuva season thoughts from last year, please check them out here. It was one of my earliest posts, long before this blog received any sort of following or prominent linkage (thanks Bad4), so I don't think many of the current readers have seen it.

Motzei Shabbos was my fifth first-night selichos at YU. Each year I receive an enormous amount of inspiration by the ruach-filled atmosphere in the beis medrish as President Joel leads us into the phase of Elul where the focus on teshuva kicks into high gear. Honestly, it's a scary time in my mind, since things begin to seem really serious. True, we've already had several weeks of L'Dovid HaShem Ori twice a day and shofar blowings after shacharis, but the overwhelming feeling of awe as the yomim noraim approach doesn't hit me until selichos start.

I think this teshuva-season I've been more distracted than usual, not really paying attention to the fact that I have a lot to answer for as well as a boatload of things to work on - things I should have put effort into this past year, things I slacked off where I should have, and new challenges that arose and confronted me with tests I'd never experienced and thus had little hope of passing. How many times have I failed to resist temptation, in things both big and small, when I could have - and should have - been stronger, putting the yetzer hara in his place as I know, deep down, with the strength I honestly know I possessed.

The primary source of my distraction - and this is far from an excuse, because what good are excuses before the Master of the Universe - has been the ongoing wedding preparations and general craziness of engagement. Aside from keeping my mind focused on other things instead of performing serious self reflection and cheshbon hanefesh, I have faced new tests wherein I know I've stumbled here or there, particularly in the realm of relating to, and showing proper sensitivity toward Another Shade of Grey (ASoG). Sure, I could just chalk it up to the whole "I'm a guy, you're a girl, and we just don't quite understand each other yet" notion, but I would like to think I'm a bit better than that. As I said, excuses don't really mean much at all.

Thankfully, she is a very forgiving person, and I tend to apologize profusely upon realizing I've made an error of some sort. There is a lot of adjusting yet to be done, more awaits us as the wedding approaches, and certainly even further nuanced points of compromising, etc will come up during our married life together. So no matter how gentlemanly a guy may be (a goal I aspire to), when it comes to male/female dynamics within a relationship, everyone has some growing room before things really come together.

I wish I could say I had the same enthusiastic, though appropriately humble, confidence I expressed in the aforementioned early post when I began this blog last year, but instead I'm just a bit worried. I have spent far too much time engrossed in my own concerns without giving HaShem due attention, which is definitely not a good thing in my mind. Granted, some of the distractions with regard to getting ready for the wedding have been entirely necessary and are proper preparation for the mitzvah of getting married. However, I have begun to think that I may have taken advantage of the "oh boy, I'm getting hitched" mindset to dodge other responsibilities that would normally have been at the forefront of my thoughts.

Anyway, here I am, a year after starting a hashkafa-based blog that transformed into a shidduch-based blog, soon-to-be-married and shouldering a boatload of responsibility the likes of which I have never dreamed of. I've been reading/learning the sefer "Yom Hachupa L'Chatan" in preparation for the wedding. The sefer ephasizes the significance of the wedding day and how it is akin to, and in many ways, surpasses the signficance of Yom Kippur. Whereas the average Joe (or Jo-anne) gets one Yom Kippur a year, the wedding day comes once a lifetime (hopefully). Not only that, it has the ability to wipe one's slate entirely clean!

I guess it's kind of nifty that I get to go through two Yom Kippur's in a somewhat short time span, especially since the annual Yom Kippur precedes my own person Yom Kippur, which will hopefully prepare me well for the boat-load of teshuva I need to do for this past year as well as the last 20-odd years of my life (and yes I know responsibility doesn't kick in until 13 and heavenly punishment until 20).

I have one friend who got married shortly before Rosh Hashana several years ago. I thought he was lucky since that meant he'd be going into Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur with a sparkling white neshama from kapara he received on his wedding day - what could be better! He replied in turn that while my idea had some merit, he had plenty of time over Sheva Brachos and Yom Tov to potentially make more mistakes and rack up enough aveiros to need teshuva all over again.

But, there is still time. As Rav Goldvicht emphasized in his pre-selichos drasha, the word "Hayom" as found in Tanach is darshened by Chazal to refer to Rosh Hashana. The overring point that he emphasized regarding the meaning of "Hayom" is that the power of teshuva has the ability to create a person anew - today. In performing a heartfelt teshuva shelayma, all the mistakes, sins, transgressions, both intentional and unintentional, from the past are completely wiped away - as though they never existed.

One particular example that he cited was the commentary of the Sfas Emes on the incident where Sara laughed at the angel's proclamation that she and Avraham would have a child within the year. HaShem confronts her and asks why she laughed - to which she replies that she didn't laugh. How could our fore-mother Sara dare to say that to HaShem's "face" when it was quite clear that she did, in fact, laugh just a few moments prior? The Sfas Emes explains that upon realizing that she had erred in expressing the laughter, she immediately did teshuva, regretting her outburst. Since teshuva, if done properly (and certainly she did teshuva whole heartedly) can totally erase the negativities of the past, her response that she had never laughed was actually true, from a certain point of view.

May we all merit to engage in proper introspection, find what we need to correct, and implement the necessary changes to improve ourselves and our actions for this coming year. May we all draw closer to our King and Creator, Who will hopefully recognize our sincere efforts to bend our will to more accurately represent what He desires of us in this world - and in doing so, may all our heartfelt requests for the coming year, for good health, happiness, success, sustained spiritual growth in Torah and Mitvos, and of course finding the proper zivug (or maintaining Shalom Bayis, as the case may be J) be speedily written and sealed for all of Klal Yisrael.