Sunday, February 14, 2010

Shidduch Anatomization

After reading Bored Jewish Guy's post regarding the male perspective on the first date, my mind started percolating on a topic that has bothered me since high school. Why do we have such an ingrained tendency to anatomize our date? By we, I mean those of us of the male persuasion, though I'm sure this exists to a different degree amongst women as well. (As a caveat, I do not mean to critique Bored Jewish Guy or anyone else for that matter).

Medieval love poetry was well known for producing "romantic" lists that categorize the various parts of a woman's body. Basically, the actuality of a woman as a human being is broken down into a grocery list of comparisons (eyes bright like suns, lips red like rose, etc) rendering her an anatomical dissection that the lover/poet fawns over.

I'm not in any way insinuating that physical attraction isn't an absolutely necessary part of the equation that will produce a marriage. You must find your spouse attractive, and he/she should certainly cause your pulse to increase and take your breath away. I personally think it's extremely important to develop this intense attraction for one's spouse, in an effort to monopolize all of your attention toward him/her and thereby prevent potential distraction by other men/women who are out there in the world. There is so much rampant immorality, so many blatant eye-catching, immodest advertisements, etc. etc. that lay claim to our attention and can undermine a truly meaningful relationship simply because of a conveniently prettier exterior.

Anyway, that's within marriage.

In the realm of dating, when a person is seriously searching for his/her beloved, why should analysis of his/her posterior, or any other part of their body really matter? I am a firm proponent that facial appearance makes a big difference - you will literally wake next to this person each day, and will look him/her in the eye for many years to come, so finding their facial features attractive is significant. But any other portion of their anatomy? Especially in our society, where strict premarital physical and sexual conduct is prohibited, no one really gets any individualized knowledge of what their date looks physically looks like.

The world around us emphasizes the need to "try it before you buy it." They have seemingly embraced a variant of the notion presented in the fictional Utopia imagined by Sir Thomas More (in the chapter Of Their Slaves, and of Their Marriages) wherein the prospective bride and groom are displayed to their potential mate entirely unclothed to prevent "alienation" stemming from the unexpected physical appearance of their spouse after the wedding. More writes that this pre-ceremony inspection is akin to what a man does when he wants to buy a new horse, and likewise checks out every aspect of its physical form before he makes the purchase. Of course, the idea is entirely ludicrous, and More himself (as the narrator) finds the concept immodest. Yet here we are, covertly, or blatantly admiring the physical shapes of our dates.

Am I being a bit zealous in the way I'm presenting this issue? Perhaps a little bit. However, other than a cursory "checking out" of a date's general body type/shape - which can be accomplished over the course of a date or two without the need to do the "elevator eyes" examination (thanks to Bad4 for introducing me to that term) - what else do we need to "figure out" so intensely that encourages/discourages us to like the person?

In my own mind, a date should fit my generic understanding of what body shape I find attractive - including her facial features - and that's it for me with regard to inspection of her physical form. She just needs to pass that threshhold of what I personally feel is appealing - and this is a subjective feeling for each person in his/her own terms - afterwhich I move on to getting to know her better, hopefulling gaining understanding of just who she is and why we might be compatible. Looks/physical fitness is merely something I quickly check off in my mental list of priorities; if the physical attraction isn't there, then the shidduch won't get off the ground. But once I establish that she meets my fairly unrestricted criteria, I completely switch off my focus on her physicality, thereby aiming to comprehend her truer essence - her spiritual and intellectual nature, her demeanor and character traits, etc.

I've always had issues with the general male populace for looking at girls like pieces of meat, which is perhaps why I sometimes find it hard to become friendly with guys who seem to exhibit these blatantly neanderthal-ish sentiments. In any event, I hope we can all strive to put looks where they belong in our catalogue of priorities, devoting give more mental and emotional energy to the things that are truly important.

8 comments:

  1. > Medieval love poetry was well known for producing "romantic" lists that categorize the various parts of a woman's body. Basically, the actuality of a woman as a human being is broken down into a grocery list of comparisons (eyes bright like suns, lips red like rose, etc) rendering her an anatomical dissection that the lover/poet fawns over.

    Only medieval? How about the Song of Songs:

    א הִנָּךְ יָפָה רַעְיָתִי, הִנָּךְ יָפָה--עֵינַיִךְ יוֹנִים, מִבַּעַד לְצַמָּתֵךְ; שַׂעְרֵךְ כְּעֵדֶר הָעִזִּים, שֶׁגָּלְשׁוּ מֵהַר גִּלְעָד. ב שִׁנַּיִךְ כְּעֵדֶר הַקְּצוּבוֹת, שֶׁעָלוּ מִן-הָרַחְצָה: שֶׁכֻּלָּם, מַתְאִימוֹת, וְשַׁכֻּלָה, אֵין בָּהֶם. ג כְּחוּט הַשָּׁנִי שִׂפְתוֹתַיִךְ, וּמִדְבָּרֵךְ נָאוֶה; כְּפֶלַח הָרִמּוֹן רַקָּתֵךְ, מִבַּעַד לְצַמָּתֵךְ. ד כְּמִגְדַּל דָּוִיד צַוָּארֵךְ, בָּנוּי לְתַלְפִּיּוֹת; אֶלֶף הַמָּגֵן תָּלוּי עָלָיו, כֹּל שִׁלְטֵי הַגִּבֹּרִים. ה שְׁנֵי שָׁדַיִךְ כִּשְׁנֵי עֳפָרִים, תְּאוֹמֵי צְבִיָּה, הָרוֹעִים, בַּשּׁוֹשַׁנִּים. ו עַד שֶׁיָּפוּחַ הַיּוֹם, וְנָסוּ הַצְּלָלִים--אֵלֶךְ לִי אֶל-הַר הַמּוֹר, וְאֶל-גִּבְעַת הַלְּבוֹנָה. ז כֻּלָּךְ יָפָה רַעְיָתִי, וּמוּם אֵין בָּךְ.

    http://www.mechon-mamre.org/i/t/t3004.htm

    And see my essay:

    http://seforim.blogspot.com/2009/10/wine-women-and-song-part-iii.html

    > The world around us emphasizes the need to "try it before you buy it." They have seemingly embraced a variant of the notion presented in the fictional Utopia imagined by Sir Thomas More (in the chapter Of Their Slaves, and of Their Marriages) wherein the prospective bride and groom are displayed to their potential mate entirely unclothed to prevent "alienation" stemming from the unexpected physical appearance of their spouse after the wedding. More writes that this pre-ceremony inspection is akin to what a man does when he wants to buy a new horse, and likewise checks out every aspect of its physical form before he makes the purchase. Of course, the idea is entirely ludicrous, and More himself (as the narrator) finds the concept immodest. Yet here we are, covertly, or blatantly admiring the physical shapes of our dates.

    This actually seems to have been the custom in the Talmudic era, as is evident from פרק המדיר:

    בדיקת חוץ, בדיקת פנים, חזקה אין אדם שותה בכוס אלא אם כן בודקו

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  2. I totally forgot about Shir HaShirim - which may have something to do with the fact that we didn't get to it in Rabbi Angel's Megillot shir this past semester - it just wasn't on my mind. We all know that Shir HaShirim has multiple levels to it as well, including spiritual ones (though pshat-wise you are probably right). Medieval love/troubador poetry, from the courses I have taken which discussed it, is entirely sensual in nature.

    Also, the pshat of your quote from Perek Hamadbir(?) seems to indicate the Gemara is talking about a cup. Please provide a fuller quote and citation, thanks!

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  3. 1. If you can tell from her face and the general shape of her body that you are attracted to her than you don't need to do any further examining. Some people I know have gone on multiple dates with a girl only to dump her later because they weren't attracted, I don't think that's fair to the girl, do a better job checking her out on the first date (not staring at her in a way that will make her uncomfortable) and you won't have that problem .

    2. While it may not have been obvious from my post, I wasn't advocating checking the girls out in a detailed way, I was just pointing out that we, as men, will do so if given the opportunity to without being creepy. It's ok IMO, to look at girls in a physical way even after you establish they are acceptable to you as long as that's not your main focus. In my experience once I like a girl, I don't focus that much on her looks, so I agree with your outlook.

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  4. > Also, the pshat of your quote from Perek Hamadbir(?) seems to indicate the Gemara is talking about a cup. Please provide a fuller quote and citation, thanks!

    Perek Ha'Madir (Kesuvos).

    משנה היו בה מומין ועודה בבית אביה האב צריך להביא ראיה שמשנתארסה היו בה מומין הללו ונסתחפה שדהו נכנסה לרשות הבעל הבעל צריך להביא ראיה שעד שלא נתארסה היו בה מומין אלו והיה מקחו מקח טעות דברי ר"מ וחכמים אומרים במה דברים אמורים במומין שבסתר אבל במומין שבגלוי אינו יכול לטעון ואם יש מרחץ באותה העיר אף מומין שבסתר אינו יכול לטעון מפני שהוא בודקה בקרובותיו: ... א"ל משנתארסה משום דאיכא למימר חזקה אין אדם שותה בכוס אא"כ בודקו והאי ראה וניפייס הוא

    Kesuvos 75a-b - http://www.mechon-mamre.org/b/l/l3207.htm

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  5. bjg, I like how you ended with a pun!

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  6. Law school drunk did you take up my challenge? I'm I the only one who took up BJG's challenger? no fair.
    About the whole attraction thing, I think a girl's opinion is needed here :-). So here goes:
    Attraction is very important. If you do NOT feel attracted to a girl say NO. finished. end of story. It's not fair to yourself or to the girl. You're not only cheating the girl out of something she deserves, you're also cheating yourself. That doesn't mean to say that attraction is the only essential component. However, there's definitely significance to it so go ahead and make the right decision-for yourself!!

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  7. (not) The Girl Next Door - I'm actually in the midst of writing up a first date post, but as usual, school is getting in the way and it's going to be rather long (like my regular posts)

    I agree with the physical attraction acceptance/decline aspect of a date. This is also why I think pictures - TO A DEGREE - can be helpful. Everyone has bad pictures - I've gone out with people whose pictures were okay, when in fact they turned out to be quite pretty - but pictures don't lie regarding the overall composition of a person (as in skinny or heavy, whatever one's preference may be).

    I may end up writing a post about that also - which seems to be my problem these days as a blogger, having too many ideas and not enough time to devote to writing them...

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  8. A clarification of my previous comment: I don't deny that the Song of Songs is an allegory, but my point is that the משל is ineluctably a love poem, and one that often takes the form of a list of the Beloved's charms.

    I have posted about the pre-marital inspections here:

    http://bdld.info/2010/02/15/how-to-choose-a-mate-sir-thomas-more-and-the-talmud/

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