Friday, July 9, 2010

Shidduch Bloggers Dating Service: A Proposal

For the record, when I mentioned way back when I started this blog last September that the first post I added was not the real first post, this is that first post. Enjoy this unreleased blast from not-too-distant past, slightly modified/updated.

With the plethora of dating/shidduchim blogs of there in the world these days, would it make one modicum of sense to make an attempt to set up the frustrated bloggers with one another? Seemingly, (and I could be completely in the wrong here, being somewhat new at this blogging business), it could be a productive venue for matching up those enmeshed in their personal shidduch crises who have been inspired to write about their musings and dating adventures/failures.

There has to be some other positive benefit to this whole venting process other than distanced socializing with others experiencing similar woes. True, there is a significant psychological benefit to realizing that you aren’t alone in still being single - whether artificially concerned while in the early to mid 20’s or realistically worried in the 30’s or older. There have been precedents of bloggers getting married (see here and here) and bloggers even getting engaged/married to readers (see here). So why not try and make an official sort of system?

True, there is that creepy element of someone following your postings learning a lot about you, not just personally but intellectually and hashkafically in the process of rapidly and excitedly consuming every sentence you release into the immortal World Wide Web. But it’s entirely your decision to participate in this public forum, for whatever reason has spurred your inspirational muse to start typing away and sharing your mind with the world at large. I’m not trying to point a finger of blame at anyone, but try to understand the underlying point here.

Think about the process of reading several years’ worth of posts, and being given the ability to see how the thoughts and feelings of a person, whom you’ve never met (in most cases), develop and mature. I know people who kept regular journals/blogs during their year(s) in Israel. It is rather interesting to follow the development of their person hashkafic journey as they studied and grew in their understanding and appreciation of Judaism. To be a witness to the evolution of their unique approach to Avodas HaShem is certainly an opportunity that most people don’t get to see on a date, or two, or three. The same applies to a backlog of posts going back a few years.

True, not everyone really reveals the entirety of their personality and mindset on their blog, unless they are totally public about their identity, and even then they don’t tell the readers everything. Nevertheless, unless the blogger has been lying through his/her teeth since day one, there is probably some decent picture of who they are and what type of guy/girl they are looking for that can be pieced together amid the mosaic of little crumbs found throughout their blog.

What I’m proposing is some sort of program wherein married bloggers take charge of helping/directing their still-single-blogger-brethren. They would have access to profiles of those participating, and would share information between the two interested parties until a decision is made to go out, and then they would subsequently serve as the shadchan/go-between.

The biggest problem with this is that it will, to a degree, eliminate anonymity among bloggers. I do think that the bloggers themselves are honorable enough to maintain the secret of who’s who, in order to maintain their own private identity. Perhaps this could somehow be arranged via a terms of service contract of sort that will entail punishing violators of this policy of secrecy with revelation of their own identity on other’s blogs? I’d hate for such petty things to occur, but I think the mere threat itself would be enough to deter most people from even contemplating that betrayal of trust. I guess there would have to be some other system for public bloggers… though there don’t seem to be too many of those who are unmarried at any rate…

I’ve been sent suggestions from readers before, though I’ve either been busy and unable to follow up, or plainly saw that the suggestion wasn’t quite going to work. This project would be a more concentrated effort instead of random ideas thrown out there by someone who has read two posts on a specific blog. If one blogger is interested in another, why not make it possible for them to potentially go out?

So what do the readers and other bloggers think?


  1. Here's an idea: if one blogger is interested in another, why not let the interested party contact the admired blogger on his/her own? Even for bloggers who date via intermediary "IRL," I think it justified to make an exception in this case. If you're unconventional enough to have a blog, my guess is you're unconventional enough to cope with an email from someone of the opposite gender.

    So send an email, under your anonymous blogger handle, asking if the other blogger would like to get to know you better--perhaps via email at first, and then, if that goes well, in person. It just seems a little bit silly and convoluted to mess with intermediaries to facilitate a back-and-forth that could more easily occur on its own--especially in light of the fact that the two parties may have already interacted in various comments sections before. If I can leave a comment on your blog agreeing or disagreeing with a point you've made, something you believe in, then why should I need someone else to obtain permission for me to ask you how many siblings you have and whether you liked your yeshiva in Israel?

    (In fact, I happen to know of a blogger in the more "yeshivish" community who has fielded offers from various readers, and even gone on dates with some of them. She hasn't been ostracized yet.)

    Just my two cents. :)

  2. The biggest problem is that there'd a shidduch crisis online as well—too many girls and not enough guys.

  3. Interesting idea, although you can get a very false impression from reading someones blog, even if they're always telling the truth. I'm not sure much would come of it b/c the pool of bloggers is pretty small, but if it makes even one shidduch it would be great.

    LRS: It's not s/t I've done, but I don't have a problem with ppl asking each other out directly, online or in real life. However I think online wouldn't be best to do directly, b/c ppl are and should be more cautious about meeting ppl through the internet.

  4. if you want to go out with a fellow blogger, just ask them out. I know of bloggers who have, and bloggers who are. Just takes a bit more courage than the mainstream shidduch system.

  5. I think the idea has merit. Personally, I would think that if a guy wanted to go out with a specific blogger, he should ask the blogger in question personally. But then they should check each other out the way they would under normal circumstances, to make sure that there are people that can vouch for them...

  6. It's a very interesting idea, but as others have already expressed, this could probably be arranged without an official blogger's shidduch system. Are there enough shidduch bloggers out there to make it work? Maybe it should be encouraged for shidduch bloggers to go out with each other, or at least look into the possibilities. There always have to be precautions taken when meeting someone in person that one knows from the nternet, but it has worked. Can't doubt what works.

  7. There may not be enough shidduch bloggers to make a firm system out of but there are enough people out their struggling to find their beshert whether from not the best families, or basically, what I've noticed not the right support system and not knowing, where/how/who to contact to get the right advice that reaches the heart of the person searching.

    If there was a way to do that I would love to help. I started a newly wed site, that I was hoping older married couples would comment and write their own stories. But I'm also trying to pass along my own experiences from dating. Not many yet. Way too new blog. But I'd be happy to try and help out!

  8. Stam- I met my wife through my blog. Once I realized I wanted to see if it would work, we started emailing/chatting/talking, and voilĂ ! soon after we were enaged and then married.


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