Monday, November 2, 2009

Ah, Rejection, How Sweet It Is.

So it turns out after an amazing date #2, I've been declined a third date. Such is the way of life - and now I have to look into the possibility of getting a different date for this week.

I am not in any way crushed, or emotionally impacted by her decision to not pursue things further. In fact, I'm a bit relieved that it was her and not me who made the call to end the shidduch. I haven't really had to make that decision when there wasn't anything overtly negative (IE Red Flags), so it was kind of nice that I didn't have to make a difficult choice (though presumably, something may have come up on a later date, at any rate - hey that rhymed).

What is interesting to note is that I had been listening to a shiur on dating given by Rabbi Avraham Braun where he mentioned this specific point about being rejected. I'm not sure where I got these shiurim from, since they seemed to have been on my iPod for a while - but after a quick search I found them on the Ohr Somayach website - which makes sense given that I figured out by listening that he was an Ohr Somayach Rav. The shiurim are geared toward guys and have a yeshivish slant, but he presents a lot of good advice in general, and the shiurim are certainly worth a listen for any guy who is dating. I'm not sure shiur it wherein he discussed the notion I'm about to mention - the categorization of these shiurim on my iPod is a bit wonky - they're not in order or labelled specifically by number in the series... So I guess you'll have to liste to them all, which I can assure you is not a waste of time by any means.

Anyway, the point he mentioned specifically (which I had never heard before, and found quite unique and interesting) was regarding what one should daven for in reference to a shidduch. Specifically, he made mention how one should continue to daven during the shidduch dating, that the outcome should be good, etc (this I had heard before). However, he then remarked that one should request that if someone is going to say "No" at some point (thus ending the shidduch dating) a guy should ask G-d that it be the girl who says "No" and not him.

He gave two reasons for this: 1) It removes the guy from a possible slight against the girl with regard to bein adam l'chaveiro in hurting her feelings for rejecting her and 2) The guy can take the rejection better. I'm not going to discuss the nature of how true #2 is, since some guys may be more sensitive than others. Nor am I going to elaborate on #1 since there might be a few feminist readers out there who think the reverse bein adam l'chaveiro issue from the girl toward the guy is just as equally valid. No offense to either group intended.

I can definitely say it was a relief for me not to have to turn her down for another date (I was actually hoping for a third one), so I do believe that Rabbi Braun's advice was correct. The timing of me having just listened to the shiur is quite coincidental, or rather has a hashgacha pratis aura to it. I'm a big fan of hashgacha pratis in general, and find it very neat to see it manifested in my life. Either way, I'm glad I was aware of this point, and can appreciate the rejection that much more because of it.

I still maintain that the most recent dates I've been out with have only increased in quality of middos and general overall amazing-ness. So hopefully my next shidduch suggestion will be even better than this one was... as I recently read on another blog (forget which) and recall having heard from one of the kollel rabbeim in my hometown, each successive shidduch brings you one step closer to your real bashert.

I hope I don't have too many more steps to go...

PS - I also mean no harm in using the designation "girls" referring to the female of our species. I just find the terminology "men" and "women" to be a little too academic at times - and while I like the term "guys" in reference to males, I don't know of a similar, neutral term for females. And no, I don't think "Guys and Dolls" really works. If anyone has a suggestion for the female equivalent to the term "guy," then by all means post a response and let me know.

PPS - I've seen that the hit counter has been going up a bit lately (in a modest fashion), so I know someone is reading this thing. I would very much appreciate any and all comments, including those of a constructive critical nature (but not bashing). So comment away!


  1. nice!

    yes this makes me feel better-- at least I am not the one who had to make the rejection...


  2. Interesting post. When I started dating (and still now, somewhat), I thought that not having to say no was good. But on a real-life level, being dumped SUCKS (though I am a girl and according to your post can't take rejection as well). It can really mess with your psyche and can leave you feeling very pessimistic and/or jaded.

    IMO the best scenario is when feelings are mutual - in either direction.

  3. I agree that being dumped is, potentially, one of the worst feelings ever. See my other post "Shidduch Vision and First Phone Calls" which talks about being dumped after just one date. That REALLY sucks - and causes all kinds of strange and very negative self-directed thoughts to pop into your head.

    I have actually had one break up experience where feelings were very mutual, in an amicable fashion. I still describe it as my "happiest break up ever." Maybe I should do a post about that...

  4. I read your other post. Yeah, pretty much. The thing about getting dumped over and over again - not that you should have that experience - is that you stop anguishing over every "breakup" and instead become kind of numb. But at the same time, you internalize this feeling of "it must be me, there must be something wrong with me." Make sense?

    Can I ask -- how long have you been dating?

  5. I was actually dumped twice very recently after 2 dates then 1 date respectively (both mentioned in those posts). So while I haven't had a real streak of that sort, I had predicted that the most current shidduch would end after 2 dates when I got the impression she wasn't interested. It turns out I was wrong, happily enough.

    I do get the feeling (having not been through this yet, and hopefully never) that the build up of such internally negative feelings can be quite hard. However, I also think a healthy dose of thought along the lines of "too bad for them, they are the one missing out," can be helpful to positively boost a person's self confidence.

    Yes, you may: I've been dating for slightly longer than 2 years.

  6. Ha. I've been dating for about the same amount of time but my attitude toward dating is a lot more negative :)

  7. The Apple - my positive view of my dating experience is definitely cultivated and not inherent in my own personality. See my post about "character traits" -

    I presume you've been on many, short-lived shidduchim in those two years? A number of my dating relationships lasted a few months, so perhaps the fact that I haven't been out with that many people also adds to my "not-yet jaded" outlook. That isn't to say I haven't had my own share of negative experiences, I just have chosen not to write about them unless I can find some way to express them without being overly negative or condemning.

    I felt pretty awful after the one-date-dump, which was probably the closest to what you describe.

  8. I do believe that females above or nearing whatever their expiration date is in their community ARE more sensitive to rejection due the anxiety and sense of desperation that sometimes sets in.

    Refraining from hurting people, however, is no more applicable to men than to women.


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