Saturday, October 2, 2010

Top Ten Things Told To A Soon-To-Be Chosson

I have been consumed by yom tov and wedding preparations, hence the lack of updates (seems like I preface every post with something of that sort). Worst of all - I missed writing my one year blogoversary post! I started this humble little venue for my musings on hashkafa and dating on September 23rd, 2009.

I DO intend to write that blogoversary post, as well as finish the half-dozen or so posts that remain unfinished drafts - and I have another handful of stories in various stages of development. I just need to get back into my usual schedule now that the 3-Day Shemini Atzeres/Simchas Torah/Shabbos extravaganza is over, and hopefully more content will start appearing in the not-too-distant future.

Anyway, onto the actual substance of this post.

When you're engaged, and especially when your wedding is only a handful of weeks away, married folks just love dispensing marital advice. The been-there-done-that attitude often produces some inspiring bits of wisdom truly worth hearing and taking into consideration.

Other times, the intent is more for laughs, or perhaps to humorously horrify the almost-married-man. Yet, there is often a kernal of truth hidden in the joke.

I present ten of the funnier things I've heard in recent days. The order is fairly arbitrary, with just a little thought given to the arrangement.

10. The reason why the chosson says so much under the chuppah and then smashes the cup is because this is the last time he gets to speak his mind and put his foot down.

9. You're going to discover that a woman's mind seems to compute math in a fashion very different from a man's. You'll come home to a pile of shopping bags and a cheery wife who greets your exasperated reaction with "Do you know how much I saved you!?"

8. Men have 3, maybe 4 pairs of shoes which they use for various specified activities. Women have lots of shoes, more than you can ever imagine owning, get used to it.

7. Marriage isn't as great as bochurim think, nor is it as bad as married men say it is.

6. The two most important words a married man should know are "Yes, dear."

5. Alternatively: For the first 10 years, it's "Yes ma'am," and then "Yes, dear."

4. Alternatively: Always make sure you get the last words in, namely "Yes, dear."

3. There is no such thing as "your" closet space.

2. Getting kids ready for shul is like herding cats. G-d willing, you'll know one day, too.

1. Well, are you ready to be institutionalized?*

*This is a take off of the famous quote from Groucho Marx (who was Jewish) - "Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?"


  1. This is a good list, #8 is particularly true. We have a lot of shoes- it is not just about function it is about appearance, that's just how it is.

    Happy belated Blogoversary!

  2. Cute list. Here are some more words of wisdom :-).

    1. Marriage is not a word.
    It's a sentence (a life sentence).

    2. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens!

    3. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

    4. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

    5. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

    All kidding aside, may you have a blessedly happy and blissful life together and may you not identify with any of the above quotes :-).

  3. Not to hijack this with shoe theory, but think of it this way:
    You have 3-4 shoes for various functions.
    Imagine requiring 2-3 pairs of shoes for each function, for matching reasons. It's as simple as that, really. Well, almost.

    I'm noting that a large number of those lines have to do with obeying your wife. I hope you're internalizing that.

  4. It could be easier for guys when we really have a limited number of shirt/pants combinations (black, navy, khaki, maybe jeans) plus shirts are pretty repetetive. I once heard that men's shoes need to match their belts, hence brown belt brown shoes, black belt black shoes. Still, the matching bit is far more simple.

    I do see your point, though.


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