Don't I Know You From Somewhere?

Life goes on, summer is over, and I’m back at YU gearing up for the academic adventure that awaits me. It’s always fun seeing old friends as well as my rabbeim and teachers again at the start of the new school year. I recently encountered one such catching-up experience which was altogether new and every-so-slightly awkward.

I bumped into an acquaintance of mine (he’s one of those faces in the crowd whose name I also happen to know, but not much more than that) on the way to minyan. We cordially asked how the other was doing, asked about the current goings on, as well as plans for the upcoming term. Nothing totally out of the ordinary, for the most part; He got married recently, and I’m getting married soon-ish.

The one thing that stood out in my mind is that I seriously dated his wife for a few months, and he has no clue (presumably). I remember finding out they were engaged earlier in the spring, and even saw them around campus doing the cutesy engaged couple display that a lot of readers are probably familiar with. True, I was a little affected by the news (she and I had parted on good terms, though as many people can attest there is always that nagging voice at the back of one’s mind about a far-flung potential future), but quickly dismissed the celebratory information from my active thoughts and went back to my everyday life.

Now it turns out that they are living in the same building that we will be, albeit on a different floor.

I honestly harbor no feelings whatsoever for his new wife, especially since I am ever-so-happily preoccupied with the amazingly lovely ASoG, who is absolutely irreplaceable and incomparable. The thing that bothers me at the moment is what will be the general awkwardness of a) running into them at frequent intervals and b) socially interacting with them, such as going to one another for Shabbos (after I’m married as well, of course). I am pretty sure he has no clue about my dating history with his wife, and I caught myself just before I asked how she was doing. I’m sure that would have tipped off some sort of suspicion on his part – why would I care about, let alone even know his wife? Legitimately, I am always happy to hear that people I know are doing well, even ex-shidduch dates (the reverse is also true if I hear that someone I know has fallen on difficult times).

I recall reading a section about this phenomenon in a marriage book once, which basically said that this is one of the main reasons that guys (and girls too, though the book was geared more toward guys) should NOT discuss their dates with friends. The lesson imparted was: you never know who might end up marrying who. The author wrote about an awkward situation where someone went to his married friend’s house for Shabbos, and interacted in an overly familiar, inappropriate fashion with his friend’s wife. The guest joked around with her, took her engagement/wedding ring when she went to wash, and playfully refused to return it afterward, if I remember correctly. The author went on to issue a stern warning that these sorts of things can lead to more illicit behavior, and thus no one should know who their friends date, in order to avoid such precarious scenarios.

As an aside, I think this definitely precludes the concept of setting up a friend with someone you went out with, especially since those sorts of arrangements usually occur after the termination of a shidduch earlier on in the process. If I were to ever successfully negotiate such a match, I think it would be more of a funny “oh, don’t you remember,” story time sort of thing, rather than creating awkward interactions.

This case of mine is slightly more akin to the one presented in the book I read (which I think was Don’t Judge a Book by its Cover, by Rabbi Mordechai Dolinsky). While there have been girls I’ve gone out with who have gotten married, none were to friends/acquaintances, or were in any position to interact with me on any sort of regular basis.

I could also be worrying for no real reason at all, making a mountain of an almost molehill. It was only a momentary awkwardness during that brief conversation wherein I stopped myself before asking anything that could be viewed with suspicion. Odds are, ASoG and I (and I told her about this incident) may just see them in passing as we enter/exit our building, in Shenk Shul, or in a rare instance, at a Shabbos table which we were both invited to in a mutually exclusive fashion. Since I’m not really close friends, or even nominal friends with this former classmate, I doubt we’d really end up spending so much couples time together in the first place. In any case, I think I can rest assured that any major social awkwardness simply has very little chance of ever happening.

And I thought bumping into ex-dates on the local shuttle/at the YU library was awkward… Welcome to crazy world of being engaged, I guess.

Cutsey Engagement Moment #1

I don't know if this will become a regular feature or not (and it might be interesting if it did), but I had to share this.

I have a 3-year-old cousin who recently met my fiancée for the first time when she and her parents came to my hometown for their annual summer vacation and our summer extended family get together. Her parents explained that I am going to get married when they introduced her to the future Mrs. Shades of Grey - hereafter called Another Shade of Grey / ASoG, per her request :)

Unprompted, this cute little cousin decided to call my bride-to-be "Shades of Grey's Kallah," and became her new best friend over the course of their stay with my family. No one ever specifically said to her the words "SoG's Kallah," yet she had the intuitive creativity to put it together. Her brilliance is only rivaled by her general cuteness.

In other news, sorry for the lack of updates - lots of engagement related things going on that have been keeping me busy. I hope to get back to more regular posting in the not-too-distant future.

Insert Mazal Tov Here

Wow, it seems like shidduch-related bloggers are dropping like flies from navigating the airspace of dating woes and landing on the road to the chuppah in the bliss of newly-engaged-ness. First was Solely in Black and White, followed by Musing Maidel, though it seems she was unofficially engaged for some time before that.

SternGrad wrote a post no so long ago regarding her belief that she will recognize the person who is THE ONE when she goes out with him. She remarked, “Maybe I'm crazy, but I have this idea stuck in my head that when I meet the right person, I'm just going to *know.*”

Well, I can say from experience, that I didn’t *know* right away.

Yes, dear readers, you read that correctly. I did not *know* right away.

In other words, I am “off the market” and am engaged to the most wonderful, lovely, beautiful, young lady.

Please insert “Mazal Tov” here à_________

J

Caveat: This is going to ramble a bit, meandering here and there, but I hope it’ll keep the readers’ interest all the same. I figure some people caught on with the title of the last story – and yes, that was the first title that popped into my head when I wrote it the week after I got engaged, though the actual events don’t resemble the story one iota (except that I also have glasses).

Words cannot do justice to the feelings of what it means to be engaged and know you’ve found the right person. Everyone wants to you to tell them: how did you know, when did you know, how can I know? I don’t think I can simply write on behalf of all engaged folks out there, because the experience is largely individualistic.

For the record, the future Mrs. Grey (who happens to be quite fond of the color as well, coincidentally) knew long before I even suspected she might be the one. Chalk up another point that women (or at least one person in the relationship) know sooner than men where the relationship will finally end up.

We dated for several months, and discussed the possibility of getting engaged about midway in a very relaxed fashion. I will admit that I was initially in favor of delaying engagement until much later, trying to fit into a generic year-long process of dating plus engagement before marriage – I eventually came around to her point of view J So, while I am still very much in favor of dating longer before seriously considering getting engaged, I firmly believe that the time frame can vary from person to person.

A good friend of ours got engaged before we did, and then broke the engagement, primarily because they dated for too short of a time (a few weeks), got too excited about the idea of being engaged, and then spent the next several months trying to make something work that was never meant to be, with all the doubts, bouts of anxiety, and conflict that goes along with trying to patch up leaks on a sinking ship.

After having seen that engagement ended, as long as a few others involving people I know, my best piece of unqualified advice regarding knowing when to get engaged is: date long enough until you both are sure you could live with this person for the rest of your life. There is no reason to rush, no matter who, or what, is putting pressure on you, be it your mother, rebbe, shadchan, or biological clock. No one has the right to make this ultimate and hopefully permanent, lifelong decision for you, so assert your independence and make a decision with a clear mind after much consideration. Better to end a relationship or break an engagement than get divorced, especially if you’re the type of person that wants to have kids right away, because then you’ll be creating lasting damage for your offspring.

I apologize in advance, but I’m not going to elaborate on the proposal itself, other than to say it was well thought out, planned, and executed – and she had no clue it was coming when I popped the question. She knew a proposal might be inevitable at some point in the near future, but she had zero expectation that it would happen when it did. Yes, it was romantic, and she still gushes about all the effort I went through to make sure the plan came together as successfully as it did.

The reason I don’t want to talk about proposal details is to continue to preserve my anonymity. As soon as I start discussing all the insider’s info, people are going to start searching Only Simchas to find us (if we even happen to be there in the first place) or will have heard about the proposal story from either myself, my lovely fiancée, or one of our friends, and thus the cat will be out of the bag, out the window, down the street, and on the bus to Albuquerque with my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel, never to be seen again.

If anyone got that last reference without Google, you get triple bonus points.

How long have we been engaged, well, that’s also a secret. I know some people suspect they know who I might be, so I’m not giving them any clues to figuring it out. You may notice a slacking off a posting in July and August, but that’s primarily because I ran out of pre-written posts that I had set on auto-upload, in addition to finishing up some remaining school work.

For those who are curious, the future Mrs. Grey has known about this blog for some time, well before we got engaged. She became quite the avid reader, and has spent a lot of her bored-in-class-time perusing all the archived posts. It’s been harder for her not to tell her friend(s) who have noticed her reading the blog and began reading on their own, that she knows who I am. Also, she doesn’t write comments, so no use thinking that that might be a clue as to who she might be. Yes, it was a little nerve-wracking telling her about the blog’s existence, especially since she knows one or two of my previous dates who inspired posts, and she has inspired a post or two herself. None of them were in any sort of negative light, but I was a little afraid (for no reason) to reveal this other side about me. I actually shared several of my stories with her before I told her about the blog. She really enjoyed them, so I figured it was time and she might get a kick out of the regular posts as well (which she did).

The wedding isn’t tomorrow, but it isn’t too far off into the future either. Plans have been coming along, and we’ve basically covered all the major areas, such as booking a hall, caterer, band, florist, photographer/videographer, had invitations printed, and found a hotel for the out of town guests. Some relatives/family friends have even already started booking their plane tickets. I’m surprised at how fast the process has gone along, even with the little bumps here and there. We have her dress, my suit, and even our fully furnished apartment on the YU side of The Heights (there will be a post about that process, trust me), which I will occupy by my lonesome until after the wedding.

As a side point, I don't know why, but the idea of being called a chosson at this point irks me. Simply because I'm not really a chosson yet, by any technical understanding, and certainly not by any halachic understanding. I firmly hold by the titles fiancé (for a man) and fiancée (for a woman) - bet you didn't know there were two different spellings, did ya? The future Mrs. Grey and I are engaged to be wed, but not actually married, so I won't refer to her as my kallah intentionally. I know, this sounds horribly nitpicky, but that's just how my mind works...

Oddly enough, according the Merriam Webster's online dictionary, the term "fiancé" actually originated 3 years after "fiancée," 1838 vs. 1835. Hmmm...

Anyway… I’ve hesitated in “announcing” the good news for a number of reasons. Primarily, I’m a little worried, perhaps unnecessarily, that people won’t find the blog interesting once I’ve run out of dating/shidduchim topics to write about. True, I still have several in-progress posts that have been aging for a bit, but at some point there just won’t be any inspiration for more dating-related posts. Sure, I can write about being engaged and all the zany things that has brought into my life (and I will write those posts), but that will segue into being married posts… and then I lose the vast majority of my readers. What still-struggling single person, guy or girl, wants to hear a married person’s insights into their daily routine?

Maybe I’m just full of myself and/or overly anxious and think that people only read this thing for my quirky insights into dating.

So where does that leave me, and this blog? I’m still here, not planning on going anywhere. The future Mrs. Grey loves reading my writing, so I have no intention of stopping. I personally enjoy this creative outlet a lot. Regardless of what happens with how the regular posts end up, I know I’ll still keep writing stories – especially those about dating – and I have a good handful of them still in various draft stages. I really like a few of them, so I look forward to posting each one in due time.

So… yup, I’m engaged. Who’da thunk that after less than a year of writing posts and stories about dating (and a few other topics) I’d have reached the end of one journey and find myself on the cusp of another? I certainly didn’t. Not that I have ever believed I’d reach the level of fame of Bad4 (and I know I never will), or even be linked on her blog (thanks again, by the way), but I had no real hopes for even achieving the level of interest that I’ve generated.

I hope to continue to keep y’all entertained and thinking with my future posts and stories. I know I always learn something when I start putting my thoughts into writing, so at least I can continue to compose thought-provoking posts, even if just for myself. If the readers aim to continue onward, I’ll we’ll be glad to have everyone on board.

I truly hope that everyone reading this who is still single will soon know the immense menuchas hanefesh of finding the right person, each in his/her proper time. Amen, ken yehi ratzon!

Another Shade Of Grey

Yirmiyahu and Vered stepped out of the elevator and discreetly ran over to their usual spot on the fifth floor of the Gottesman Library. Thankfully, no one was occupying their favorite table, which was located in a nook on the left hand wall. Yirmiyahu gently set his sefer-laden backpack down in a vacant chair and began unloading the seforim he needed to finish researching his latest Kol HaMevaser article. He carefully put the empty knapsack on the carpeted floor next to his seat. Vered chose the seat opposite her boyfriend, keen on sneaking admiring peeks at his handsome features as he went about his work.

As soon as she plugged in her laptop, Vered passed her tongue over her lips and noticed how thirsty she was. Mentally kicking herself for forgetting her Environmental Club issued reusable metal water bottle, she pushed her chair away from the table and went to get a drink of water from the fountain. When she returned, she noticed Yirmiyahu was intently scribbling what appeared to be flowers on a piece of scrap paper that another student had absentmindedly left behind.

Momentarily suppressing her curiosity, Vered ignored Yirmiyahu’s artwork and flipped open her laptop to get back to her last paper of the semester, which also happened to be the final paper of her undergraduate career at Stern. She felt stupid even writing the darn thing, particularly in light of the fact that she had already graduated several days before. Steeling her resolve, she diligently began to type away. After a few minutes her mind began to wander to her favorite thing to think about, which was Yirmiyahu, of course.

Yirmiyahu was sweet enough to reschedule his bechina with Rav Schachter to accommodate attending Vered’s graduation ceremony. Now that showed dedication. He had had to skip out on the celebratory lunch afterward with her parents and siblings at Mr. Broadway to make sure he got back to YU in time without making Rav Schachter wait for him. That didn’t really matter, though, since he had sacrificed his night seder chevrusa earlier in the week to go out to dinner to the Prime Grill with Vered and her parents.

Later that night, she made sure to call him up to verbally gush their enthusiastic approval over the phone right before she passed out from exhaustion. Her mom had even said she could easily see him as a potential son-in-law, if things kept going in the right direction. Vered’s father, ever the tall, dark, and silent type, said in his usual reserved fashion that “the boy was nice.”

“You know…” Yirmiyahu began, interrupting her reminiscing, his voice trailed off as he continued drawing.

Vered stopped typing, folded her screen down a few inches and peered over it. “‘You know,’ what?”

“I was just thinking,” Yirmiyahu made a few more pencil strokes. “It’s going to be very hard to arrange our Hebrew initials on our bentscher.”

Vered raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean, exactly?”

“Here,” he spun the paper around and pointed at his doodling with his pencil. “It’s because of our names.”

Vered looked down at the somewhat rough drawings, slightly confused “What’s the issue?”

“You see, my name is Yirmiyahu Hoshea, and you’re Vered Hadassa.”

“And…?”

He leaned closer over his side of the table and continued explaining while he indicated several details with the point of his extended pencil. “Well, my initials are a yud and a heh, and yours are a vav and a heh, which happens to spell out the Tetragramaton.” Vered stared more intently at the various designs, and noticed that each monogram-flower’s bud and leaves were carefully arranged so they didn’t quite line up or touch.

“I see it now,” she nodded and angled the paper slightly. “You’re right. The bentscher people are going to have their work cut out for them.” She passed the sheet across the tabletop and went back to typing. Suddenly, she stopped mid-word. “…Wait, did you say ‘our bentscher?’”

“That would be correct, Vered,” Yirmiyahu expectantly looked over the rim of his glasses at her.

“Wait a second-”

“Truthfully, it’ll be a bigger conundrum for the invitations, since people tend to throw those in the garbage at any rate,” his eyes shifted back downward. “Rav Schachter was just telling us in shiur that even putting bet-samech-daled in the corner is problematic according to some poskim.”

“Back up a moment,” Vered put her laptop in ‘sleep’ mode and closed the lid.

“Yes?” Yirmiyahu met her alert gaze.

Vered paused, eyebrows furrowed into a V on her forehead. “You said ‘our bentscher.’”

“Yup. Didn’t we establish that?”

“…What did you mean by that?”

“By what?” Yirmiyahu replied with a certain knowing innocence in his tone.

“When you said ‘our bentscher.’”

“I think this is what they call in those old cowboy movies, ‘the jig is up.’”

“Huh?”

Yirmiyahu slid off his seat and crouched down next to his seemingly empty backpack. After a few seconds, he lifted his head and scuttled around the edge of the table.

Vered’s eyes widened. “Are you kneeling?”

“Yes.”

“Is this what I think it is?” Her breathing quickened.

“Yes.”

“Omigosh!” Vered’s voice stopped dead in her throat, and she pressed a hand to her collarbone.

“Is that a ‘yes?’” Yirmiyahu held out his left hand, palm up. Cradled within was a small black velvet box. He gingerly opened, and something inside sparkled brilliantly.

“Uh… whuzza… fuzza…” Vered stammered.

Yirmiyahu smiled his attractive boyish grin. “Yes or no will do.” Vered visibly struggled to say something. “If the cat won’t let go of your tongue, please feel free to nod.”

Vered nodded vigorously. Yirmiyahu stretched his hand out further, gesturing for her to accept the ring. Vered’s lips pursed shut, and she started hyperventilating through her nose.

Yirmiyahu chuckled. “You sound like the main attraction at a bullfight, dear. It isn’t very lady-like,” he joked. In one swift motion Vered snatched the jewelry box with one hand while she scooped up then flung his pencil at him with the other. It bounced off his chest and skittered across the table.

“That one’s going on Only Simchas,” a familiar female voice cooed.

“Well, I got it on video. Facebook, here we come!” Another one joined in. Vered’s two closest friends, Ahuva and Esther, emerged from behind a bookshelf, holding digital cameras.

“Girls, if you’ll please hug my fiancée for me, I’d greatly appreciate it.” Yirmiyahu’s smile grew ever broader. He stood up and took a step back to make room for the two squealing young women as they rushed in and wrapped their arms around Vered. It seemed like the entire floor stopped whatever it was doing and stared in their direction to see what all the ruckus was about.

“Quiet down, now! This is a library, for crying out loud!” The librarian called from the front desk, rapping his knuckles on the wooden countertop.

“I can’t believe it!” Vered announced, finally releasing her first spoken words after several minutes of star-struck silence. Esther and Ahuva gleefully screeched in reply.

The librarian tapped his little silver bell three times. “Don’t make me call security!” He angrily shook a fist in the air.

“Getting kicked out of the library wasn’t part of the plan, so can you guys turn it down a notch?” Yirmiyahu whispered to the girls, while he waved apologetically to the flustered librarian.

“Don’t forget these!” Esther and Ahuva said together, holding out a bouquet of bright red roses. Vered clutched the flowers to her chest and inhaled their sweet scent.

Yirmiyahu admired Vered for a moment. “We should probably be going now,” he made a flowing gesture with his arms. “After you,” he smiled.

Vered took two steps then stopped in her tracks as if a bolt of lightning had struck her. “Wait. You didn’t even ask me to marry you!” She exclaimed, turning to face him.

Taken aback, Yirmiyahu fumbled for a response. “Well, it was pretty clear what was going on when I-”

Vered didn’t let him finish the sentence and interjected with a raised hand, fingers splayed. “No way. Not cool.” Vered slipped the ring off and carefully sat it down on the table next to the roses.

“What?” Yirmiyahu asked in alarm. “Are you rejecting the proposal?”

“There wasn’t one to reject, dummy!” Vered retorted. “I’m not putting that back on until you do it right this time.”

Yirmiyahu smirked and lifted the ring aloft between his forefingers and thumb. “Vered will you-”

She crossed her arms over her chest, gave him a fiery look and cleared her throat. “On one knee.”

Yirmiyahu lowered himself onto one knee. “Vered, will you marry me?”

“YES!” She delicately picked up the ring, replaced it on her left ring finger, and once again cradled the bouquet in the crook of her arm.

Yirmiyahu laughed quietly to himself, “Come on, let’s go.” He started walking toward the front desk and Vered playfully skipped next to him.

Vered hesitated as Yirmiyahu stepped into the waiting elevator. “What about our stuff?” She craned her neck to look back at their table

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll pack up for you!” Esther called out, busily stacking up Yirmiyahu’s seforim.

“We’ll meet you there in a minute!” Ahuva added. Satisfied, Vered entered the elevator. The doors slid shut with a clank and she admired her new diamond ring all the way down to the lobby level. As soon as they arrived, Yirmiyahu set out moving quickly.

After a handful of steps, Vered stopped again. “Where are you taking me? Don’t we have some obligatory phone calls to make?!” She raised her hand to her ear, fingers bent in the shape of a phone.

“Nope,” Yirmiyahu turned around, walking slowly backward. “Everyone’s waiting for us in Rubin shul. Your family, my family, and everyone else you can think of, from your MMY roommates to crazy great-aunt Faygel.”

Vered paused, a grin spreading across her beautiful face, “You’re good.” Vered hopped through the security gate and beamed at her fiancé.

“I know,” he beamed back. A friend of Yirmiyahu’s noticed the pair and quickly held the door open for them.

Together, Yirmiyahu and Vered stepped into the shining sunlight.

Shidduch Crisis Solved! Vineyard Discotec!

I read this article on Arutz Sheva this morning (someone in our shul prints out their daily reports and sets them out for people to read - the news is a day or so old, so sue me) and it really made me think. I began to wonder: why did these women decide to make the festival of Tu B'Av into a big dance lesson instead of truly "renewing" the "ancient tradition of dance" as Chazal recorded it in the Mishna in Ta'anis?

The Mishna in question, found on daf 26B reads (from the Soncino translation available here):

"R. SIMEON B. GAMALIEL SAID: THERE NEVER WERE IN ISRAEL GREATER DAYS OF JOY THAN THE FIFTEENTH OF AB AND THE DAY OF ATONEMENT. ON THESE DAYS THE DAUGHTERS OF JERUSALEM USED TO WALK OUT IN WHITE GARMENTS WHICH THEY BORROWED IN ORDER NOT TO PUT TO SHAME ANY ONE WHO HAD NONE. ALL THESE GARMENTS REQUIRED RITUAL DIPPING. THE DAUGHTERS OF JERUSALEM CAME OUT AND DANCED IN THE VINEYARDS EXCLAIMING AT THE SAME TIME, YOUNG MAN, LIFT UP THINE EYES AND SEE WHAT THOU CHOOSESTH FOR THYSELF. DO NOT SET THINE EYES ON BEAUTY BUT SET THINE EYES ON [GOOD] FAMILY. GRACE IS DECEITFUL, AND BEAUTY IS VAIN; BUT A WOMAN THAT FEARETH THE LORD, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED. AND IT FURTHER SAYS, GIVE HER OF THE FRUIT OF HER HANDS; AND LET HER WORKS PRAISE HER IN THE GATES."

Basically, these rhythmically inclined women missed the point of the whole toe-tapping experience, which was to find a husband for all the single girls out there. Strangely enough (at least according to our standards), the women would approach the men and provoke their interest in marrying them instead of our unfairly male-dominated shidduch system.

In case you thought this was only one little venue for matchmaking that wasn't such a big deal, check out what a Tanna states later on (31B) when explaining a section of that Mishna:

"THE DAUGHTERS OF ISRAEL CAME OUT AND DANCED IN THE VINEYARDS. A Tanna taught: Whoever was unmarried repaired thither."

Interesting indeed, "whoever was unmarried" would borrow their friend's white dress and go running out to the vineyard to catch herself a husband.

And guess what? No one was worried about all the stigmas that taint our overly complicated and much often misguided our search for spouses these days:

"THOSE OF THEM WHO CAME OF NOBLE FAMILIES EXCLAIMED, ‘YOUNG MAN etc.’ Our Rabbis have taught: The beautiful amongst them called out, Set your eyes on beauty for the quality most to be prized in woman is beauty; those of them who came of noble families called out, Look for [a good] family for woman has been created to bring up a family; the ugly ones amongst them called out, Carry off your purchase in the name of Heaven, only on one condition that you adorn us with jewels of gold."

So yes, while men still had certain things they looked for such as a gorgeous wife, a wife with impeccable rabbinic fore bearers, etc - even those who were "ugly" (though I've typically translated that as the "not-so-pretty" ones) were able to find husbands. I don't know if adorning them with gold (to enhance their appearance) would carry over to today's concept plastic surgery, but perhaps it would...

At any rate, it seems like this whole vineyard dance party was a pretty efficient means to marry off all the single daughters of Israel, and presumably each girl would "enter into the parsha" or in this case, the dance-off, whenever she was ready to get married (though I suspect it was a little more standardized than today) and would then find her husband without too much trouble. I doubt even the rhythmically challenged girls out there had a problem, since the dancing seemed to be a mere means of attracting the boys' attention, rather than determining who was really worth marrying. After calling attention to herself, she would give her little shpiel (a verbal profile?) and find her man.

Now to my point: So, why can't we do this?

Seriously, stop laughing for a moment. Think of it as one of these big annual conventions, like Comic-Con, except less geeky and more tachlis based. The main even would obviously be the dance off, but there would be other things going on as well - perhaps if we made it a several day affair, Taz B'Av could feature a convention center full of wedding planners, jewelers, dress makers, caterers, representatives from halls and bands, etc so the newly engaged couples could pick out the girl's ring and get a head start on the wedding plans. As long as we made sure the event didn't become cost prohibitive - this is for everyone, after all, regardless of the status of their personal bank account - such as providing cheap transportation (maybe commandeered/donated chassidic buses?) and accommodations at nearby hotels, I think this could be a big hit.

I wonder if this shindig should occur in more than one country, such as America and Israel, or if flights etc could be arranged, to have it in Shiloh as our ancestors did?

Granted, there would have to be an enormous amount of preparation beforehand (months of work, to be sure) registering participants, posting their profiles in advance so the guys could find out about the women who are going to be there (can't just marry someone because she can do the Macarena, after all). The whole system would create a large number of jobs, thus helping the economic status of many forelorn Jews who unfortunately don't have them at the moment, groups like Only Simchas and various caterers could serve as sponsors - and we'd have hundreds, if not thousands, of happily married couples each year.

No more worrying about the age gap problem that we've brough upon ourselves that has induced the current "shidduch crisis" - by bringing together the available young men and women, we'd be doing our hishtadlus to then allow HaShem to take over in His role as Master Shadchan to bring the appropriate couples together. No more wondering if you're going to bump into your bashert in shul, happen to meet him/her through some expensive shadchan, or wonder if you'll sit next to him/her on a flight to Israel. As we've heard many times in recent discussions regarding how the Gemara says it is "difficult" for HaShem to make shidduchim, I think it's time we put more effort in on our end to "help" however we can.

Ok, now that all the readers think I'm totally off my rocker, what do y'all think? Is there some merit to this idea, or am I certifiably crazy?

P.S. Did any of the female readership go dancing in the local vineyard on Monday? Any luck? :p

As Difficult As Splitting The Sea And Self Improvement

Ever since I first learned the Gemara in Sotah (2A) that describes the process of HaShem's making shidduchim (the task the Gemara says He is most involved with since He created the world), I've always wondered exactly how to make sense of it. The explanation my bekiyus rebbe gave me all those years ago was that it was a "difficult" decision for HaShem to alter the pre-set course of nature in such a blatant way when He normally relegated it to a specific set of operational principles.

As any avid reader may know, I tend to read a lot of dating/marriage books, a habit I picked up while in Israel (and as a side note, anyone not married would benefit from reading the good ones that are out there). Most recently, I began reading Together We Are One by Rabbi Eliezer Medwed. On pages 12-13 of the first chapter titled "Marriage," Rabbi Medwed gives a very good explanation of this splitting the sea idea found in the Gemara (which he footnotes as coming from the Zohar for some reason - why not just cite the Gemara?):

Of course, we know the familiar statement of Chazal, "Making shidduchim is as difficult for Hashem as splitting the Red Sea." But what does that mean? What is the connection between the two? The Aruch l'Ner offers an enlightening explanation. Since creation, Hashem has His manner of dealing with the world. Generally, everything in the world runs according to the laws of nature. These laws too are an essential part of creation. Everything has its own cycle. Part of Hashem's desire is to allow nature to operate freely within its natural bounds. Thus, part of the plan is not to reveal the future.

At the sea, just prior to its splitting, an awesome trial ensued. Angels representing the evil Egyptians testified before the Heavenly Court: "Master of the World, why should the Children of Israel merit a miracle of the sea splitting apart? They are no better than the Egyptians. These worshipped idols and these worshipped idols..."

In order to appease the angels, Hashem not only revealed past events - that Egypt served idols willingly while Bnei Yisrael did so only under duress - but He went even further, revealing the future [something He doesn't often do]. Hashem showed the accusing angels how Yisrael would become a holy Nation, worthy of receiving the Torah on Mt. Sinai. Therefore they are indeed worthy of such a miracle, one that goes against the natural order of the world.

And likewise, when Hashem makes a shidduch in Heaven, He looks into the future. Hashem contemplates all that may confront the couple, every situation and problem throughout all their years together, etc. Hashem then makes a shidduch based upon complete knowledge of not only the present, but also their entire future. A mate that is our bashert - predestined - under the chupah is just as bashert ten, twenty, and fifty years later. We know this to be true, for we know this shidduch was made in Heaven, by Hashem Himself!

Granted, this doesn't quite explain the notion that has been recently discussed regarding more than one potential soul mate that the Gemara in Sotah also talks about, but I think the concept presented here is worth contemplation.

Leaving aside my thoughts that I expressed in the above mentioned post and the ensuing responses, I want to extend the idea further for our those of us still in shidduchim. The exact moment and place when we are supposed to meet our heaven ordained spouse is already determined. Granted, we may be frustrated with where we are now, with the unproductive serial dating or drought we are forced to endure or perhaps even our dissatisfaction with our personal growth and observance at any given point in time. Despite our sometimes jaded attitude, we need to take to heart that there is definitely a greater picture of what our lives are meant to be like, and the reason why we don't get the results we expect now is because we aren't meant to have them just yet.

We need the period of being single to foster personal growth, work out our baggage - be it emotional, psychological, familial or spiritual - and make ourselves into the best person we can possible be. No one is problem free when they go into marriage, but that doesn't mean you or your future husband/wife have to suffer from issues not dealt with because of complacency or laziness. Marriage, as everyone says, is hard work - and being single is too! That doesn't mean we can't find the process of dating enjoyable, rather we should also keep a serious perspective on who we are, what we're about, and what we need/want in our lives.

So all of us still not yet engaged or married realize that there is no reason to give up just yet. The time you have been given as a single person, even if it is longer than you planned or wanted, is very valuable and should not be wasted. As much as we all need to learn about proper dating etiquette and how to treat our suitor/date, we also need to turn inward and improve ourselves, for our own sakes as well as those we date and will eventually marry. Wallowing in self pity for extended periods of time because of dating woes helps no one, least of all, you.

And just because you've got one, or two rings on your finger (or have given those rings) doesn't mean you shouldn't ever think about perpetual self improvement, either (hence the book, Together We Are One, among others).

May we all take to heart the lesson of self-improvement (and everyone has something to work on) and become the best future husband/wife we can be! Your spouse, may you meet him/her soon, will be ever grateful.

Her Mother Was A WHAT!?!?

For readers who are fans of Monty Python, the answer is not “a hamster.”

A rather crazy notion recently came up during my night seder chevrusa, where we happen to learning Masechta Sotah. On 7B, the Gemara discusses the a contradiction of a braisa to the mishna under examination regarding the beis din trying to intimidate the suspected adulteress into fessing up to her crime, if in fact she was guilty. This was done in order to prevent the erasure of G-d’s name in the creation of the potentially deadly potion that would cause any true Sotah to explode shortly thereafter (or following a delay, but that’s a whole different discussion).

The contradictory braisa that the Gemara quotes says that the beis din would try to intimidate the woman in the opposite direction, namely that she should drink the Sotah water. The Gemara then resolves the seeming contradiction by saying that the beis din tries to intimidate her not to drink before the shem HaShem is erased, to prevent such drastic measures. But once the name has already been erased into the Sotah’s beverage, then they do their best to make sure she does drink so that the erasure of G-d’s name was not done for naught.

Rashi there writes that one of the things the beis din would say to the woman to convince her TO drink was mentioning the concern that she might cast aspersions on her children if she suddenly decides not to drink at that last minute (IE they might be the product of an adulterous relationship and thus mamzerim).

My immediate response (thanks to years of reading Bad4’s blog) was that Rashi was basically saying “it’s bad for shidduchim!” After both my chevrusa and I calmed down from our fit of laughter, we wondered what if such a thing was really an issue nowadays, and how that would dramatically impact the “research” that people do into potential shidduchim candidates.

Forget “her parents are divorced,” “her grandmother was a convert,” “her mother was chozer b’teshuva in college,” and even “her mother doesn’t cover her hair.”

What about: “her mother was a sotah, and y’know… exploded.”

Presume that the suggestion in question was born halachically fine without any problem of mamzerus. Talk about yichus problems...

Think about it.

Shidduch Bloggers Dating Service: A Proposal

For the record, when I mentioned way back when I started this blog last September that the first post I added was not the real first post, this is that first post. Enjoy this unreleased blast from not-too-distant past, slightly modified/updated.

With the plethora of dating/shidduchim blogs of there in the world these days, would it make one modicum of sense to make an attempt to set up the frustrated bloggers with one another? Seemingly, (and I could be completely in the wrong here, being somewhat new at this blogging business), it could be a productive venue for matching up those enmeshed in their personal shidduch crises who have been inspired to write about their musings and dating adventures/failures.

There has to be some other positive benefit to this whole venting process other than distanced socializing with others experiencing similar woes. True, there is a significant psychological benefit to realizing that you aren’t alone in still being single - whether artificially concerned while in the early to mid 20’s or realistically worried in the 30’s or older. There have been precedents of bloggers getting married (see here and here) and bloggers even getting engaged/married to readers (see here). So why not try and make an official sort of system?

True, there is that creepy element of someone following your postings learning a lot about you, not just personally but intellectually and hashkafically in the process of rapidly and excitedly consuming every sentence you release into the immortal World Wide Web. But it’s entirely your decision to participate in this public forum, for whatever reason has spurred your inspirational muse to start typing away and sharing your mind with the world at large. I’m not trying to point a finger of blame at anyone, but try to understand the underlying point here.

Think about the process of reading several years’ worth of posts, and being given the ability to see how the thoughts and feelings of a person, whom you’ve never met (in most cases), develop and mature. I know people who kept regular journals/blogs during their year(s) in Israel. It is rather interesting to follow the development of their person hashkafic journey as they studied and grew in their understanding and appreciation of Judaism. To be a witness to the evolution of their unique approach to Avodas HaShem is certainly an opportunity that most people don’t get to see on a date, or two, or three. The same applies to a backlog of posts going back a few years.

True, not everyone really reveals the entirety of their personality and mindset on their blog, unless they are totally public about their identity, and even then they don’t tell the readers everything. Nevertheless, unless the blogger has been lying through his/her teeth since day one, there is probably some decent picture of who they are and what type of guy/girl they are looking for that can be pieced together amid the mosaic of little crumbs found throughout their blog.

What I’m proposing is some sort of program wherein married bloggers take charge of helping/directing their still-single-blogger-brethren. They would have access to profiles of those participating, and would share information between the two interested parties until a decision is made to go out, and then they would subsequently serve as the shadchan/go-between.

The biggest problem with this is that it will, to a degree, eliminate anonymity among bloggers. I do think that the bloggers themselves are honorable enough to maintain the secret of who’s who, in order to maintain their own private identity. Perhaps this could somehow be arranged via a terms of service contract of sort that will entail punishing violators of this policy of secrecy with revelation of their own identity on other’s blogs? I’d hate for such petty things to occur, but I think the mere threat itself would be enough to deter most people from even contemplating that betrayal of trust. I guess there would have to be some other system for public bloggers… though there don’t seem to be too many of those who are unmarried at any rate…

I’ve been sent suggestions from readers before, though I’ve either been busy and unable to follow up, or plainly saw that the suggestion wasn’t quite going to work. This project would be a more concentrated effort instead of random ideas thrown out there by someone who has read two posts on a specific blog. If one blogger is interested in another, why not make it possible for them to potentially go out?

So what do the readers and other bloggers think?

"But The Silence Was Unbroken, And The Stillness Gave No Token"

Bonus points to whoever can tell me where the title of this post comes from without Googling it.

I think one of the most dreaded moments on any date - especially a first or second date - is the moment of awkward silence when conversation grinds to a halt for one reason or another.

The question to ponder is: do these bits of silence mean anything negative?

I’m not referring to the prolonged silence that lasts for minutes upon minutes with both people squirming and wishing to be elsewhere. Rather, the occasional pause where you just can’t find any words to bring forth into the conversation.

I’ve read/heard very different perspectives on exactly what these quiet moments mean. The general consensus is that sitting there dumbfounded is not the best thing to happen. A more yeshivish dating advice book that I was perusing recently basically said to avoid silence at all costs, and that quiet spells indicate DOOM (yes, all upper-cased).

I’m not so sure I can agree with that. From my own experience, it seems that there are quiet times where discussion fades off and that occurrence is totally natural and normal. Such silences are not necessarily harbingers of death (for the relationship that is).

But then again, sometimes they are.

I was once on a date where these pauses arose a few times toward the end of the evening, first at the very end of our meal, and then slightly more extensively when I was walking my date back to her apartment. I reported back to the shadchan that I was a little concerned that she might not be interested in another date. The reason this idea even arose in my mind was based on two previous experiences where such little moments of silence appeared during a date (in one case a second date, and the other at the conclusion of a first date) wherein the girl ended things in an abrupt fashion immediately thereafter. I had seemingly developed a sense of paranoia for these bits of quietude. However, even in spite of those two short-lived shidduchim, my fears were for naught, and I was granted another date.

In retrospect, I’m surprised at myself for losing sight of the fact that short, quiet moments are not inherently bad.

I once was going out with someone who was quiet in the extreme. Almost every outing made me feel like I was having a one-sided conversation. The typical short periods of silence were rather extended, very much akin to the real ill-natured, awkward silences that indicate a lack of connection. I was initially frightened by this, also taking it as a sign of disinterest, but the shadchan assured me this was just her nature. I grew to understand that the shadchan was indeed correct. The person I was going out with was simply a very thoughtful, intelligent person who took time to measure her words carefully and very rarely said anything that was half-processed or simply thrown out to continue the conversation.

I learned that moments of silence can be quite natural and not disconcerting one Shabbos morning when I was walking to shul with my father. Coincidentally, this happened to occur during a school break that interrupted the aforementioned “silent type” girl I was going out with. Of course, my father and I chat a good bit whenever I’m back in town, and when we’re walking to shul for shacharis, is a time when we can have some father-son bonding time. The cool morning air, sunlight shining everywhere, and birds flitting to and fro chirping from the nearby trees creates a peaceful atmosphere conducive to conversation.

As we walked along, I realized that our dialogue was beginning to peter off, and momentarily worried about the silence that would follow. When we actually ceased talking and simply continued walking side-by-side, I realized that this quietness wasn’t really awkward at all. I was perfectly fine simply enjoying being in the presence of my father and observing all the flora and fauna around us. I simply took a deep breath of fresh morning air and released all the built up tension I had been expecting.

I knew then that the same thing applies to dating. Not every minute has to be filled with words, especially if you have to spout meaningless dribble to maintain an ongoing conversation. When the break was over and I went back to my shidduch, the quiet spans no longer bothered me as much, and sometimes not at all. Granted, this girl was definitely far less talkative than pretty much any other person I went out with, but learning this lesson during a more “extreme” case of recurring moments of silence certainly helped later on with other dates. After that point, I began to appreciate the bits of quiet that cropped up here and there during time spent on shidduchim.

Even in marriage, you won’t be talking constantly, and it is a pleasure to simply enjoy the other person’s presence, knowing that he/she is there beside you. There is a sense of comfort and belonging knowing that you can be with that other person and not need to continually throw out conversation starters merely for the sake of preventing gaps without any talking. If you can be at ease with a person in these moments, and learn to properly appreciate them, especially as the relationship develops (and excusing the few awkward ones at the start of a courtship) I think you’re on the road to discovering how well you really enjoy merely being with that person.

That is definitely a necessity for marriage – since interesting and engaging conversation isn’t going to happen all the time in real life anyway.

So I vote that we should welcome bits of silence, quash feelings of awkwardness, and see if we can appreciate the feeling of being accompanied by someone we can, and should care about. That unspoken emotional connection is very important.

May we all find that special individual for whom silent moments are not a burden but a pleasure!

Soulmates? Bashert? What's The Deal?

It seems like the concept of finding one's soulmate or bashert is on people's mind's these days. First was Sterngrad with "Soul Mates" and now a piece on JPost called "Dating Games: '1 beshert, 2 beshert, 3 beshert, 4'" that almost seems like an outgrowth of Sterngrad's post and my comments there (particularly some interesting ideas from Sotah 2A), which I won't rehash here.

I definitely think everyone's bashert is out there somewhere, and if I recall hearing from serveal rabbeim, you always get the chance to meet him/her. What you decide to do then, in terms of actually ending up married to him/her or not, is entirely up to you. That's where the element of free choice comes in. Particularly if people are motivated by other factors that can negatively influence a person's choice, such as money.

There is a famous story that is quoted regarding the Steipler wherein an older yeshiva bochur came to ask for a bracha to find his bashert. The Steipler replied that this not-so-young man didn't need such a bracha, since he had actually already met his bashert. But, the Steipler continued, the bochur thought her nose was too long and thus passed on the chance to marry her (evidently she had married someone else). This very interesting, long post about Finding the Bashert cites Peninei Rabbeinu KeHilos Yaakov, 1986, p.36 as the source, though the author relates a more generic version of the story. I heard the one about the nose, and although it's a bit more dramatic, (and possibly embellished a little) I think the effect is greater.

I remember reading in a dating/marriage book (I forget which one, since I've read quite a number of them), that when you finally decide to marry the person you think is "the one," even if they aren't, you can make the conscious decision to "make" him/her into "the one," by cultivating the relationship and nurturing it into that perfect-as-can-be marriage. It's an interesting concept. Even if it isn't true in it's entirety - I certainly think everyone would certainly benefit from adopting that mindset when they get engaged and married. We'd certainly have fewer early divorces.

Anyway, may we all find the right one for us - regardless if they are announced via bas kol or we find him/her in some other fashion - soon!