Thursday, March 17, 2011

Purim Related Date Ponderings

In the past, we’ve discussed various views regarding guys showing up to dates with scruff, stubble, and beards during sefirah and by extension, the 3 weeks.

Now (meaning Adar-time), I have a simple, though related, question for the female readers:

What would you do if a guy asked you during a first phone call if you minded he didn’t shave for your very first date because he needs the facial hair for his Purim costume?
On the one hand, this is a first date, and it has significance for setting a tone in the potential relationship. To some degree, the girl has a right to expect the guy to show up looking his best, which includes hygiene upkeep, nice clothing, and a shaven face (if that’s what he does normally anyway).

On the other hand, it IS just one date. Plus, he’s probably been planning this costume for a while now, and to have a Wolverine (for example) without his trademark muttonchops facial hair would make the costuming effort a bit lacking.

Or perhaps:
Anyway, a friend of mine actually got away with this once, but that’s the only time I’ve heard of it happening.

I know that with my penchant for elaborate Purim costuming, I would probably have asked for such a dispensation – though I’ve never worn a costume that required having facial hair.

Another Purim dating question: Would you (male reader) ever try to set up a date ON Purim? Would you (female reader) agree to go on a date ON Purim? Or perhaps the date could be the night after Purim (ie, the evening following the seudah).

I’ve heard that every girl should somehow see her gentleman caller on Purim at some point before she agrees to marry the fellow; it’s definitely a good thing to see what he decides to do (to himself and others) on a day when he’s drinking some substantial amount of alcohol. What does he drink, how much, how far does he go, and what does he do when he’s under the influence?

I’m not suggesting that the date necessarily has anything to do with going out drinking together, or the girl watching the guy drink – that’d be a little too much. But what about going out bichlal, or perhaps to add some fun to it, in costume? If the timing works and the guy can properly have a seudah and recover with ample hours to spare, would anyone ever consider this?

Recently, I had a conversation with a guy who said he’d actually want to go on a date on Purim, thinking it would be quite fun (though he wasn’t the heavy drinker type). A girl I spoke to, who was trying to arrange a date amid her busy midterm schedule, almost relied on having to go out on Purim instead of waiting a week after both parties agreed to go out, but thankfully another solution presented itself.

So, what do you guys think?


  1. I wouldn't want to go on a first date with somebody who's wearing a ridiculous costume or has odd shaped facial hair.
    Also, no first dates on Purim or post-Purim.

    If I was in a serious relationship, then I'd definitely be open to both options :D

  2. Stemming from going all out for every female date, I think it's on the selfish side to ask your date if it's acceptable to show up less than pristine just because you need the facial hair to complete a costume. I wouldn't request this. Funny, because it happens to be that this year, I am uncharacteristically using my facial hair to do something ridiculous.

    In support, imagine if the female called you and asked if it was acceptable if she didn't use electrolysis or laser on her facial hair, or shave her legs, or whatever. Not cool. Not entirely comparable, but it's along the same lines of looking pristine (unless the female goes for the guy's unkempt or rugged look).

    As far as purim dating, I don't see how I'd do this as my purim is very hectic in the beginning and middle, and then I am eating a long seudah with my family well into the night. Further, to me purim is a yom tov and it would just seem out of spirit and weird to date on a yom tov. (To be candid, I'd date on chol hamoed, so go figure.)

    With regards to your date seeing your behavior on purim, I do not recommend this if the relationship is in the "superficial" stage. (To be safe, call this stage the first 10 dates.) This is because your date has to know you in order to consider your purim behavior in context. Without that personal understanding, your date may take things the wrong way or be turned off.

    However, if the date has egressed from the initial stages and is more serious/serious, then I think it's a great idea for the female to see the male's behavor because it can tell you a lot about the person (and vice versa if the female is the party animal!). This observation, though, is not dispositive for the relationship.

    Yet, one does not need purim for this experiment. One only need go to, i.e., a jazz club without foisting an alcoholic beverage on a date. If the date orders alcohol on his/her own volition then wait for things to get interesting. Personally, I would only feel comfortable ordering alcohol if I knew my date was the type to order it as well or if the relationship was more than superficial.

    Indeed, this happened to me when my date ordered beer, and being a lightweight, I did not wait long before things became interesting. I learned a lot more about her than if we'd have gone to, i.e., the circle line!

    As an aside, shades, the first wolverine costume is excellent! Of course, you have to be thin and have the muscles to pull it off.

    So,where can I get one?


  3. As a woman, I personally would get a kick out of a guy showing up in Purim facial hair. But from the guy's perspective it probably isn't a great idea.

    I once worked with a guy who grew a mustache for Halloween. I don't know what his costume was, but it must have been scary, because he looked like a cowboy gangster. And that was in his workday button-down.

    He taught me how much of a difference facial hair can make in one's appearance. So if you look awful in muttonchops, don't wear 'em on a date. If you're growing muttonchops for a Wolverine costume, definitely don't tell her that.

    Agree with Sefardi Gal about Purim dates, though: only if you're far enough along that it matters.

  4. I spent time with my fiance on Purim, about a day after we became a couple, but it wasn't precisely a date. But we weren't dating shidduch-style, so I don't know how to apply our example.


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